Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Treat Me Like a Priority? post image

Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Treat Me Like a Priority?


I’ve read a lot of your articles about how important it is for a guy to treat you like a priority instead of an option, and how a woman has to be the prize…. I’m just kind of confused as to how to do this.

How do you show him that you have options so that he sees you as the prize? I just don’t understand how to do this without coming right out and saying it.

To answer your question: Men and women have instincts that pick up on other people’s mindsets.

That’s why you can tell when someone is homeless and about to ask you for money… or when a slimy salesman is trying to manipulate you… or when someone is being dishonest.

We can pick up on where a person’s head is at, even if they didn’t do or say anything… we just know in our gut…

So you must have the mindset that you are continually on the prowl, looking for other potential men who could better serve you until your guy steps up to have you all the way.

You don’t have to break any rules… just never emotionally put all your eggs in one basket and fixate on a guy that isn’t clearly committed to you (or worse and more commonly, a guy who specifically says he doesn’t want a relationship or to move forward in the relationship).

It’s when a woman puts all her eggs in one basket and completely chooses the guy that he knows he’s won.

Soon enough, the daily demands of life will begin taking priority…and since he knows he’s got you, well, you will sink lower on his priority list.

QUIZ: Is He Losing Interest In You?

On the other hand, when a man feels that he doesn’t fully “have you”, he’ll fight hard to fully possess you (lest he should lose you to another man.)

Have the mindset that you’re going to go with your best option and that you’re always looking until he completely claims you. You don’t have to be overt or obnoxious about it. In fact, it’s much more effective if you never do anything overtly through actions or words to show your mindset. Just calmly and privately hold that mindset.

Think in those terms and not the desperate victim mentality of “I love him soooo much, when will he choose me?!?!”

I am not suggesting that a good, healthy relationship involves a woman metaphorically “dangling a carrot on a string” to keep a man constantly chasing her.

Power in the deepest, truest sense comes from being able to serve someone better than they could serve themselves, so they give their own power and control over to you since they feel it is better in their hands than your own.

QUIZ: Does He Really Love You?

In that same way, having power in a relationship isn’t about making someone want something and then denying that thing to the other person.  Having power is about providing a feeling to them that is unmatched by anyone else in their life – serving them with an experience of such high value that they can’t help but want more…

… and, simultaneously, not giving up your own power and choice in the relationship.  Not depending on them to be the source of your happiness, wholeness, or fulfillment – you enjoy them and you enjoy them in your life, but you don’t need them.

MORE: 11 Ways to Find True Happiness

Ultimately, what I want to come across most clearly is this:  When you’re in a good, healthy relationship, thinking about power, control, or fearing the other person will leave is the last thing on your mind.  When you’re in a good, healthy relationship, your relationship is the easiest part of your life.

The major factor that prevents people from having a relationship like this is falling victim to harmful ideas, myths, and bad advice about relationships.  When you truly realize on a deep level that you really don’t need anyone else… you just would enjoy someone else… and only if the relationship with them feels good and is how you’d want it… then you’re in the perfect position… then you’re in the position to have a great, happy relationship that just flows effortlessly, without worries, fears, or heartache.

When you have the right mentality, you’ll notice he starts putting more effort into the relationships. And when things start to shift, it’s crucial that you reward good behavior or you’ll stop getting it from him!

But don’t reward him in the way a woman would want to be rewarded…

Reward him in a way that your specific man wants to be rewarded. Show your deep appreciation for him when he does what you want. Watch carefully what your man responds to and what lights him up.

Look for the parts of him that he feels are unappreciated and appreciate those parts of him. Let him know that you believe in him and his power to achieve his aspirations.

What’s the major error that trips women up these days?

It’s their focus – instead of focusing on the feelings and experience they create for the man, the woman fixates on her own wants, her own worries, her own fears, etc.

And amidst this completely self-absorbed mindset on what she wants, it’s no wonder that she’s unable to hook a man’s interest beyond just sleeping together…

MORE: Is He Using Me For Sex?

Sure, that woman might cook him dinners, perform in bed and tell him how much she likes him, but none of that stuff penetrates as man’s psychology on a deep and meaningful level.

Forget about just getting commitment. When you really understand and master the art of tapping into the deep parts of a man’s psyche, he will want to move mountains to possess you.

Men don’t start out there when they first meet a woman, though. She needs to reach him at that level by recognizing his ambitions, his fears, his motivations, his “mission” in life and where he ultimately wants to “win”.

MORE: How to Get a Guy To Commit To You

See, to really capture a man’s heart … (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Treat Me Like a Priority?)

42 comments… add one

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Nancy M.

Hi Eric. Thank you for this informative article and all the great work you are doing with Sabrina to empower women to have healthy relationships. Your articles got e through a rough break up and I believe they can get me through this new break up. My ex-boyfriend broke up with me last Thursday and I am still reeling from the shock of it all. From my sessions with ANM, I learned to be a more loving and giving in this relationship. We have been together for 2 years and he sought me out, were friends for about a year and decided to take it to the next level. He has called has called/texted me everyday and he was loving, kind and thoughtful. I appreciated and loved in more for that despite it being a long distance relationship. Like you, he stated what he expects/wanted from the relationship, and I did the same. We loved each other fiercely and dearly. But since I saw him at his friends wedding over the July 4th weekend, he told me he was forced to look at his life and where he wants to be and he realized that he didn’t see himself with me long term and hopes we can be friends. I know that in life there are no guarantees, but how do you pick up the pieces and continue to trust, be loving and giving? I strongly believe in doing the work and I chose him to love every day.

Reply July 17, 2016, 3:36 pm

Anon

Good advice, shame I cannot stick to it. 7 years of being treated like I’m invisible and now I’m just bitter and angry. I hate the man. I keep telling him to go away as he makes me unhappy but he refuses to leave. Only reason I’m with him is because I’ve been ill for years on end and been too tired to fight for myself without looking like a crazy woman. I’m getting better and hoping one day I’ll be swooped up by someone else. Although he’s made me feel worthless, I know I’m not anymore. The rare times I leave my house (I’m a musician), I am well liked by others. I would try your advice Eric but I don’t think I could bring myself to reward him, how do you let go of 7 years of neglect and emotional damage?

Reply May 30, 2016, 7:20 am

Jenni

Hi,
Thanks for this write-up, glad to read ur article…I know my man loves me, but am becoming too needy of him. Thanks really…I was being carried away,he should commit not just doing things for me.

Reply January 30, 2016, 7:54 pm

Jay

Hi Eric – the last thing you say in this article “when you have that mentality he will try”.. The thing is my boyfriend doesn’t try ha..

He says he is full of pride, and that I just need to accept that he is emotionless because he’s always been like that his whole life. Thanks for your articles they help, this one just has me particularly confused ????????

Reply January 2, 2016, 9:56 am

Jay

I wrote emojis at the end, I don’t know why a million question marks posted lol sorry (:

Reply January 2, 2016, 9:59 am

Rys

Then leave him. That’s the part where Eric said “the one who won’t wait around to see if he chooses her, the one who knows she deserves an amazing relationship with a high-quality man and isn’t afraid to walk away if you don’t get what you want and deserve.”

Reply February 12, 2016, 3:14 pm

Katie

I wish I read this sooner! Thanks Eric! You are so insightful and you don’t sugar coat your answers. Now I know what I need to do going forward in my relationship with my guy who doesn’t seem to be putting much effort into me anymore.

Reply December 17, 2015, 2:11 pm

anonymous

wow! what a well written article, it blew off my mind. It was very helpful. I finally found good men/relationship advice. The person that wrote this know his stuff.

thank you!

Reply December 8, 2015, 8:59 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much. I really appreciate hearing that and I’m glad you like my work.

Reply December 9, 2015, 6:48 pm

falbala

kinda feel like playing a game to me, i think there is nothing wrong about showing our fears to a man, why would we be there for theirs and not the other way around? what if their motivations and goal in life is the exact same reason why he’s not giving time for his wife and childrens?

Reply October 17, 2015, 3:41 am

joy

I love him n he sed he luvs me too but he treats me like am nuin….he yells at me n embarases me in public…I dunno wat to tink or wat to do anymore…I Luv him…I seriously do but I dunno if I can continue being wt him…I feel am going to break…pls help me????????

Reply September 6, 2015, 8:14 pm

Efeya Sandra

Hi I’m Nigerian, been dating my boyfriend for over 6 months now and things have been going good we had our first major fight last month where things almost came crashing down but it got revived and it has been the sweetest thing ever cos I really did enjoy my relationship. Well the problem now is I was spending a few days at his and I was supposed to last till Saturday only for it to get to Friday and he told me he had a wedding to attend and he wld go for a run on Saturday morning as early as 5 and then leave for the wedding at 8. It got to Saturday I woke up and noticed he was out so I got up and had my bath prepared to leave, only for him to get back from his run, shower and come crashing down on the bed again. I asked in a subtle tone aren’t u going for the wedding again? He said look at the time who goes for a wedding at 8 and I replied saying you told me we were going to leave early this morning and then I said why are u talkin to me in this tone and he said watch yours too. I apologized . secondly he came back upstairs and was panting I asked baby are u OK? He said yes why? I said nothing sorry. Thirdly he started packing up his suitcase picked his laptop bag and clothes, phone, car keys and he was just wearing his singlet and inner shorts. I got confused and asked are u going down like this where is your outing cloth? He lashed out on me and said he dsnt respond to stupid questions. I was shocked at his response so I stood up walked into his bathroom cried out and went back into the room picked up my bags and told him I was leaving . it was rainning outside I left the house under d rain he didn’t even come out to say hold on let me drive u or to even apologize. All this while on my way home he didn’t call or text to know if i got home safe. I’m bothered and don’t know what to do but I want him to respect me.

Reply August 23, 2015, 6:25 am

Christine

Hi. Thank you for your article. I know my comment is pretty late so any response would be much appreciated. My question is does this advice work with guys who have aspergers? I have taken your advice to heart and sure enough my husband chases me but he also gets deeply hurt because he feels like he is not good enough for me. Having to make me a priority causes him to feel inadequate he says. It doesn’t matter how much I honor, compliment, appreciate or have sex with him. He says it’s just too much work and too difficult to express love to me. I’ve asked him to take me on a date once a month and give me a compliment daily because I feel loved when he does those things. I know he loves me but he is VERY resistant to make me a priority to him. I don’t say mean things to him but have just started taking care of myself and emotions and doing things on my own being he doesn’t want to take me out. He is hurt by all this.

Reply May 5, 2015, 6:19 pm

joy

Hi Eric. I read the posts and they are very inspiring; however, what if your man went from being so upset with not spending enough time with you because you insisted on moving slow? I finally decided to give him more of myself because he was so frustrated with feeling that I was not available but now he’s pulled back. He calls every day and says that he doesn’t want to end things but he wants me to allow him some space. But the space was not explained to me. I noticed the change. It felt it was unfair the way he did it causing me to now withdraw. What is happening? He says he loves me and I love him but he scares me

Reply March 23, 2015, 8:33 pm

Melissa

Conversely, many men and women start out “emotionally self sufficient” and are then drained by being with someone that is emotionally damaged coming into the relationship, and in trying to live up to that “x,y,z,” may either 1. Leave and say they don’t need that craps 2. Continue under emotional abuse and become codependent. I agree with the girl. This article to me seems a selfish outlook. Does everyone want a stable partner? Uh, yea. Is everyone going to be stable 100% of the time for the rest of the I life? No. A relationship works because two people make a choice to make it work. And when things are down for one person, the other needs to lend strength. That doesn’t mean enable the other person to permanently wallow or fall into addiction. The essence of your article basically says to me, if she becomes emotionally weak, it’s her own duty to support herself and the man shouldn’t take any part because he is not responsible for her happiness. Maybe that was not intended, but that’s how it came across. That is total BS in my opinion. Yes, each person is responsible for maintaining themselves, but each person is equally capable of having a changing and negative effect emotionally on another person. Your article offers a way for a an to bail when something becomes difficult.

I married a guy that turned into an addict and was diagnosed with disorders that matches a sociopath. I stood by trying to help through rehab and counseling. He refuses these things and won’t face the damage of his past. He used me as a catalyst for emotional abuse and neglect, so I left without divorcing so that I could work on me. He is not working on him. I was a wonderful and trusting person til him. Not without imperfections. I went to a few counselors to find out what I was doing wrong, and have had the same response. Nothing. Nothing but enabling and being codependent by wanting to help make it work when he doesn’t want to. But he’s too cowardly to divorce. He’d stay married and separated the rest of his life. So yes, there are instances where a person can be to blame for the unhappiness, and it comes when dealing with an addict or someone with a major issue. The only way that loved ones get through it is by understanding that it is NOT their fault. He has sucked thr life out of the relationship while I deposited, and deposited, and deposited, while family and counselors told me not to anymore. His rehab therapist told me a year ago to get the divorce papers ready. He did take my happiness. Now I’m working on finding it again by myself, and I expect that he make the investment to value and cherish me. That is his job by marrying me. Now that I’ve been broken, I do hold him responsible for a portion of my happiness in the future. He can’t only take. No amount of being “emotionally self sufficient” can’t make a person survive a one sided marriage. Sorry. And I know for a fact that men have gone through this too, but there are a lot more women because of the selfish entitlement that society thrusts on men as a “right.”

also, I don’t like mind reading. Before we said our vows, I said what I want, need, and expect in a relationship in clear words. I flat out asked if those were things he could agree to, and he said yes. Now he’s expressed regret because he didn’t realize that he would have to not be selfish all the time. He also decided now that he never wants kids,with me or any woman because of “what he’d have to give up.” Before we got married, I didn’t want kids and he did, but I agreed to give of myself for them if he wanted them. I had to think about that choice and understood what it meant. He doesn’t understand and doesn’t think. He says that it’s “the way he is and the way he was raised.” That he’s “different from other people.” I’ll tell you though, he was Danny good at putting up an act til he got what he wanted.

I get so tired of people acting like there can never be one person mostly at fault. When one person wants to work on things and the other doesn’t, the one that doesn’t is at fault. Sorry. They’re choosing selfishness. And it’s even more selfish when they want the relationship to stay together without actually doing work, and want the other person to file for divorce so they don’t have to do any work, and can play pity card after. Both people are responsible for aiding in keeping each other’s happiness in good health (but not solely responsible for), and both people are responsible for giving 100% to the relationship. As far as this “all their eggs in one basket” junk, who wants a relationship with a person that constantly has one foot out the door? I haven’t had to di that til separating and it blows. My life is held between two places. I couldn’t live my whole life like that because I could never give anything or anyone the 100% they deserve.

Reply March 9, 2015, 1:04 am

Eric Charles

At what point do your emotions stop being your responsibility?

Reply March 9, 2015, 8:40 pm

Alexis

At the point when you have tried and tried to deal with them and you stop and ask you significant other to help you. To at least try to lift your spirits and to be there to give support for a difficult period. But a lot of times if you actually have to ask and the aren’t already doing these thing then they probably aren’t going to help anyway bc people are selfish and that’d how things fail so easily.

Reply April 14, 2015, 6:36 pm

Munchkins

Great article Eric. I’d like to just comment on it and reply to MNRC at the same time.

I’ve been subscribed to your emails for a few months now and I totally agree with everything you’ve mentioned in this article. In all honesty my love life was in shambles 6 months ago, and I stumbled upon your blog, as well as another by Renee Wade which focuses on feminine energy and how that attracts a man. Anyway your posts are always in sync with hers,and I’ve learnt so much from the both of you, and coincidentally am now in an amazing relationship with an awesome guy. It’s still new, so anything can happen, but if things don’t work out it will suck, but I know I’ll be fine.

In response to MNRC: Firstly one thing you have to understand is that relationships are not a man’s domain. Women are defined by their relationships, whereas men are defined by their success. If you meet a man who’s any different most likely you won’t be attracted to him because he has an abundance of feminine energy. Now because of that it means that us women are the ones who lament about failed relationships and they shatter us to our core. Now you can choose to accept this or keep fighting against it, your choice. Secondly your comments hints at a feeling of entitlement, it sounds like you’re demanding men to give you A, B and C before you can give him anything. I understand where you’re coming from, I sometimes have to pull myself back from that mentality. That type of thinking sucks energy out of a relationship, and you become a chore to your man. Like Eric said, it’s important that you come onto a relationship with a giving energy. What that means is not demanding anything from him, he should give it freely. How you do that? Reward good behavior and don’t entertain bad behaviour. Another thing that Eric mentioned is giving him the type of experience he can’t help but want to come back to, from that alone he will treat you like a queen because he sees your value in his life. So basically no matter how amazing a person you are, how beautiful, successful, smart, funny, etc you are, as deserving or “entitled” you are of his love and affection, if he doesn’t leave with a good taste in his mouth he won’t want to come back.

So my advice would be to keep all that in mind, and keep a very open mindset, and reread Eric’s posts. A lot of this stuff goes against what the media has taught us, or what societal norms are, but it helps. Goodluck 🙂

Reply February 13, 2015, 11:49 am

ellastella

wow, munchkins. I would really like to hear more of your perspective and opinions as a very informed empowered woman! please keep sharing!!

Reply February 16, 2016, 3:20 am

MNRC

“…Look for the parts of him that he feels are unappreciated and appreciate those parts of him. Let him know that you believe in him and his power to achieve his aspirations…” This is really sexist advice. How often does a man tell a woman that he “believes in her and her power to achieve her aspirations”? Most guys I know harbor gnawing jealously towards a successful girlfriend or wife and secretly hopes that she will fail (or at least not surpass him). I have met few men who are able to do the above, so why are women expected to play this role. Excuse me, but as a woman, I am looking out for #1 because most men I date will not be looking out for my career.

Reply December 29, 2014, 3:13 am

M

Great article. Very informative. I think some of this has to do with the tendency of Women to be defined by their intimate relationships (family, friends, beau) whereas Men seem to be more focused upon personal accomplishment and goals. Some Women enter relationships and immediately long for a solid commitment (home, marriage, kids etc.) and Men reject this as an attempt to “control” them and they like to do things in their own time. When it comes to emotional depth and connecting, I just think that Women are more comfortable in expressing their feelings, its almost like breathing. The difference in approach can be quite daunting, as both sexes, at heart, may desire a solid and intimate connection with the other. I am personally experiencing this very thing as we speak. The love of my life lives separately from me but not by himself and neither do I so alone time or quality time comes in the form of sitting in my car for hours just talking or actually going out. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and watch a movie or stay the weekend over but its just not an option these days. He spends his days building his career and I spend my days studying for courses, working and building a company. I really would love to wakeup and go to sleep by his side every night so I get angry at times and he feels that I am never happy:(. Its not that Im never happy but that I would like to see him more often. I think that its important to maintain a sense of self and of purpose when one is in a relationship. Whereas a man may have his lady on his priority lists, she may not come first. This is not an intentional brush off however. Men seem to be very serous about their careers and finances so if your man is busy building a career, its best that you be as supportive as possible, less he feel that you are distracting or attempting to sabotage his success or his priorities. Its difficult.

Reply December 3, 2014, 6:44 pm

Gerri

Eric,
Thank you for all of this wonderful insight and advise. In some ways,we are on the right track, and in other ways, our relationship needs help.
We are an older couple and have been in an exclusive relationship for one year, now and are talking about moving in together after another year. We are taking it slowly to make sure that we are compatible. I am retired and he is still working. He owns his our business. I am in the $34,000 bracket and he is in the $85,000 bracket.
How do we decide who pays what,and how much? I have never lived with a man without being married. I don’t know what to expect or how to even brioche the subject. I do not want him to think that I am a gold digger, but I do want to be cared for. I need your advise, please.
Gerri
Gerri

Reply July 9, 2014, 11:02 pm

Marie

Hi Eric,
I’ve learned a few things from your post and they have been helpful. Thing is I am MARRIED and my husband is not treating me like a priority (at least that is what I am perceiving) and unfortunately I became needy and it made things much more difficult. We have and have had very deep conversations about my neediness and him being a honorable man has stood by me and encouraged me to be more positive, trusting and fearless. I am truly grateful. Yet before I began learning how to effectively operate, communicate and contribute positively to our relationship, I ruined it in SOOOO many ways. Now I can blatantly see that he is not treating me as a priority but as an option. Some days he may try, but usually I must initiate contact and he will not respond to texts (I’ve read that article already, thanks for the insight) No compliments, no gifts, no dates…maybe he will meet up with me if the errand he is running is near my job or home. (Tidbit of info: We are currently living separately until we move into our new home together which could be a couple of months; we lived together previously). I am wondering Eric, as I have suggested that we divorce since he did not want to treat me the way I felt I needed to be treated and he was simply doing his bare minimum or “trying his best”, which he says. I found some texts to an ex-girlfriend of his about a year before we moved. He called this girl Butterfly and Beautiful and Queen and would text her back quickly, they would text chat late at night for some hours until I found out and shut that shit down. He would never and still does not compliment me this way. However, ever since then I have been distrusting, suspicious, needy, all the worst things, and I kept telling him that my spazzy emotions were due to him trying to continue to have a friendship with his ex. I don’t want him talking to her like seriously. (I read that article as well). So I am wondering if I should dissolve our marriage since he will not step up and treat me the way I feel a wife should be treated, like a priority! Although he says time and again that he does not want a divorce, he wants to remained married and he loves me more that I obviously possibly can understand and that all that I want (compliments, sweet talk, making an effort to make plans with me and not just meeting up cause its convenient) is an illusion and I am being selfish and self absorbed. Eric, how can a Wife get her Husband to chase her again? Is this even possible or is it dead already?
Thanks for the work that you do.

Reply April 14, 2014, 4:30 pm

Anita

Eric – This article is right on target – Great job! Thanks for the reality check!
Keep up the appreciated work!!

Reply December 31, 2013, 12:37 am

Brittany

Half of this advice is BS.

Eric do you really understand what you even write? You are basically saying the WOMAN is the one who has to prove themselves to the man by doing x,y,z and being a,b,c. Besides, almost all of your articles make it seem like most men are all decent human beings. A lot of guys don’t want a girl that is overly self fufilled. If the guy knows if he leaves and she won’t care why should he care also? I’m not going to be with someone for long term that I know won’t care if I leave? Also, there is no way to make any guy want you forever. Not every guy a woman ‘dates’ is a potential soulmate. There’s only certain amount of people that are compatible for one person.

Reply October 12, 2013, 3:01 am

Eric Charles

You gotta love the internet…

Most of the time, the comments are positive… but every so often, some frustrated person spouts off their opinion, offering only criticism and no constructive counter-argument.

Why is there no counter argument?

It’s is nearly always (I would say always, but I want to leave myself some room just in case) because the person has decided that their case is hopeless… that their failure and ineffectiveness is the fault of something outside of them.

Not on their attitude. Not on their outlook. Not how they talk to people (“Half of this advice is BS. Eric do you really understand what you even write?” as the opener to your comment… nice touch.)

This is a person who is frustrated and wants to pick a fight with me because I’m advocating taking personal responsibility for one’s own results in life… which is very threatening to someone that “needs” it to be someone else’s fault.

The remainder of her comment is rambling about what guys *really* want (I don’t speak for all men, but the fact that I have a penis and she doesn’t kind of gives me an advantage on knowing what at least ONE man wants… not to mention the thousands of men I’ve surveyed about their own dating lives…)

Let’s say a woman isn’t emotionally self-sufficient. In that case, she views the relationship as a well of constant emotional fulfillment… until, of course, it runs dry since she’s constantly sucking the life out of it without putting any “juice” back in.

When a woman is emotionally self-sufficient, she is already happy and her happiness spills over into the relationship. She is making an emotional deposit into the relationship, instead of sucking emotional strength and self-esteem from the relationship like a leech.

No man wants to deal with an unhappy woman leeching his emotional energy. No. Guy.

It’s not that if he leaves she doesn’t care or if she leaves he doesn’t care.

It’s that the man and the woman aren’t using each other as emotional crutches.

As for the comment about compatibility. Yeah – ummm… I thought that was obvious to everyone. I guess not.

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:12 pm

G monkey

When the right guy comes along everything falls into place. I don’t think it’s needy to want your boyfriend to be in touch daily. My guy and I talk all day throughout email and then we either text or call each other at night. I’ve asked him and my guy friends at work and in my personal life if they think it’s needy for their girlfriends to want to hear from them daily and they don’t think it is. If a guy is into you he will be in contact and want to spend time with you. If he’s super occupied with his career he will do whatever he can to make you feel loved and appreciated. If you don’t have this with your current boyfriend and you feel lonely then it’s totally fair to tell him how much you appreciate what he does and that you’d love if you guys could have XYZ. I feel more than attended to and loved. Every other man and woman deserves the same. If you aren’t happy with what you’re getting and you’ve tried the above with no changes than move on and find someone that will give you all the love and attention you deserve.

Reply October 3, 2013, 9:29 pm

Eric Charles

It’s a matter of when it becomes an emotional crutch or not. I want certain things few things from a woman in a relationship… I’m very clear on what they are for me and I recognize that I need to do my part if I want those things…

That said, if she isn’t the way I want in the relationship, I don’t try to force her to be… I choose a different relationship that’s a better fit.

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:16 pm

Darlene

“Few things you need from a woman” & ” Doing your part”…….hmmm. I wish you were more specific.
These types of comments you made seem like red flags to me. ?
I agree with you on emotional crutches and needy people…..but on the other hand there are also emotionally “limited/unavailable” men/women and only wiling to give just enough in order to get what they want. Sounds more like a business contract than a loving relationship.

Reply March 25, 2016, 11:15 pm

manny

But shouldn’t you invest in he invests too? It works both ways

Reply September 24, 2013, 1:00 am

Eric Charles

“Should” is a dangerous word.

It implies punishment. What is the punishment you’d receive if one of you didn’t do what you “should” do?

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:17 pm

NimNim

I like this article and I am a big fan of this site. However, I disagree somewhat with what you have said here. Maybe I am not understanding you, but I truly feel there is a place in dating and relationships for being upfront and honest even if it’s not what the other person wants to hear. I think that if you are truly confident then there comes a point where you are willing to tell a guy point blank “I’m not getting what I need from you in this relationship/dating experience.” There have been a number of occasions where a man will say to me “why didn’t you say something?’ or “just tell me” because he is truly confused or oblivious to the fact that I am unhappy. And lets face it, some men need you to spell things out for them. Sometimes a mindset is just not enough to relay the message.

Reply September 19, 2013, 3:23 pm

Eric Charles

I don’t disagree with your comment. I don’t think I said anything otherwise… if you think I did, show me where…

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:18 pm

Mere

“If you want to get that kind of love and prioritization from him, you have to stop sucking energy out of him and start filling him with energy.” What are some examples to this quote?

Reply September 19, 2013, 7:35 am

Eric Charles

An example:

Guy is stressed at work…

Woman #1 is emotionally unfulfilled in her life and unhappy. She uses the relationship as a crutch to draw positive energy from…

She texts him…

“You haven’t texted me all week… :(”

Now, in addition to the man’s stress, he feels pressured to have to fill her “emotional well” or she’ll be even more upset and unpleasant to be around.

Women #2 makes an effort to find fulfillment in her own life. She is happy and notices that her man hasn’t texted her all week:

She texts:

“Hey baby… haven’t heard from you, you must be having a tough week. Whatever you’re doing, I know you’ll be great… xoxo”

Women #2 is putting positive energy INTO the relationship. She’s being supportive and inspiring to the man she’s with. She’s focused on filling him with good feelings, not on trying to feed some emotional void in herself.

See the difference?

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:23 pm

Cati

THANK YOU! I’ve been reading your articles lately and I feel compelled to weigh in because your advice is spot on. I think it’s about being a giving person. If you take an interest in other people and make it a way of life to be generous and supportive to others and not try to always “get something”, it will come back around to you in a good way, including in romantic relationships. And sometimes that may mean putting yourself aside and doing what the guy needs you to do, even if that means giving him space. If you really care about him you’ll want to see him happy so you’ll be supportive without pressuring him, and odds are he’ll appreciate you even more for being his behind the scenes support system. There’s a lot more I could say but I won’t ramble, I’ll just say thanks for writing such clear and honest articles! Please keep them coming!

Reply October 15, 2013, 9:39 am

F Yeah

Although similar quotes to this have come up before, its good to refresh my mind when the going gets tough. No seriously, its refreshing! Thanks to both of you!

Reply November 28, 2014, 7:59 pm

Vanessa

This was very insightful. 🙂

I’m dating someone with a very busy schedule and I often feel upset when he doesn’t text me as often, or if he doesnt have time for a call (we’re in a long distance relationship). I realise that I’m emotionally quite needy and was using him as a source of happiness when I should have been searching for happiness within myself. I have fears of being rejected, which is why when a guy doesn’t text I’m often strongly inclined to ignore him. I know that’s wrong and will actually destroy the relationship but this comment gave me a solution that wasnt inconsiderate but also lets the guy know that I miss him (without being needy!). Your advice is wonderful. Long distance itself is hard but despite the fights, I still love his company. I realise now that I haven’t been contributing to the relationship to make him WANT to spend more time with me.

Reply January 13, 2015, 6:34 am

Angela

I just wanted to say thank you for posting this. I have read countless articles and E-books looking for something like this, something DIFFERENT from what everyone else has to say and I really believe this article hits the nail on the head. I have had issues with forming relationships with men and have been completely self absorbed with any person I have tried to date. I am going to do my best to follow this advice. So again, thank you VERY much.

Reply September 17, 2013, 9:08 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much, that means a lot to me.

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:24 pm

Ana

Oh Lord Eric, you said it right on cue. Funnily enough this is exactly what I was discussing with my buddies this evening. It isn’t about playing games. It isn’t about playing hard to get. It’s about BEING the prize. It’s about knowing, in your heart, that you have your own life, and you can do what you want be perfectly fine on your own – not necessarily about all the other men that want you, as guys can pick up that tease game, that wannabe-player vibe. When you realize that you are this prize, guys will chase you nonstop. Confidence is the sexiest organ 😉

Reply September 17, 2013, 3:53 pm

Eric Charles

I’ll tell you what the sexiest organ is…

… kidding. 😉 Thank you Ana, I appreciate that.

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:25 pm

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