Ask A Guy: When He Suddenly Gets ‘Turned Off’ post image

Ask A Guy: When He Suddenly Gets ‘Turned Off’


There’s this guy at work that was pursuing me since last November. We’re so similar that it is scary. He used to joke that I was his twin who was separated at birth or his future wife.  It started as just a joke and then I think he actually developed feelings for me and started asking me out. I was hesitant because I have dated guys at work before and it’s always gone sour. He told me “Life is what it is and things happen for a reason. You just haven’t met the right person.” Anyway, he kept pursuing me an I finally gave in and we went on out first date in March.

It was lots of fun and I never really felt I connected with someone like this before. I didn’t feel like I had to impress him, I was myself.  We were seeing each other like that for about two months and then we slept together. I made the mistake of asking him if there was a future for us. I wasn’t asking for a relationship, I just wanted to know that there could be because I dated this other guy for two and half years and he never committed. Anyway, this new guy also asked me to do something in the bedroom and I said no.

After that he started to become distant and when I confronted him about it he said that I did two things that turned him off. The first was talking about having relationship too soon and the other was that ‘you never say no in the bedroom.’ I told him that I understand that he felt this way but I am not a mind reader, and you should tell me or tell the person you are with when you are turned off. He told me “it was a no brainer.”

Read on for the rest of this question and our guy’s response after the jump

Now at work he completely ignores me and says “whats up fool” when he sees me. That statement hurts me so much because that means I don’t mean anything to him anymore. I asked him to not call me that and he actually respected my wishes. It is still awkward at work and I hate it. It sucks because he was the one that pursued me and now I like him more than he likes me. On a side note he still sends me random forwards that say ” if I was your slave for one day what would you have me do?” In the beginning of our time together, that is how he opened the door to communication with eachother.

Another side note- he told me he hates ignoring people because it takes more effort to ignore than to just be normal with the person. So I don’t get it because he talks to everyone else at work but me…some days he seems like he misses me and some he seems pissed off at the world. Yesterday I came into work and I looked pretty, he saw me and was like ” wow look at you, do you have a date? And I said actually I do and laughed. He said very funny and then my last name, like I was one of his guy friends!

Anyway, I’m just really confused and would love to hear a guy’s take on the situation.

RESPONSE:

From what you described, it sounds to me like you guys started out well, but somewhere along the line something ended up hurting his pride/ego and he’s been acting from that place since then.

You mentioned that you had asked him if he thought there was a future for you guys, but you did not mention what his response was to that. My guess is that he was uncomfortable with the question and his reaction made you uneasy about being with him.

Women have asked me why guys “freak out” when a woman mentions a relationship. I think it comes down to how he interprets your question. I think the majority of guys hear it as, “Are you ready to settle down?” As in, is the guy willing to give up his freedom and everything he enjoys to be with you. I’m not saying that’s what you’re asking or that relationships are that, but when you ask a guy about a relationship or future, that’s how many guys interpret it.

Personally, I can say that there were times in my life where I wanted to be in a relationship with a woman and other times not. Sometimes it was because of where I was in my life, sometimes it was because I didn’t feel the woman and I were a good enough match for a long-term relationship. Regardless, whenever I felt that a relationship with that woman was a good idea, I always told her.

I think that once a guy wants a relationship with a woman, he will make it obvious. If it’s not obvious, then that is an answer… just might not be an answer you like.

In terms of you saying “no” to something he wanted to do in the bedroom, well, I could definitely see that as something that would bruise his ego/pride. You stayed true to yourself and had self-respect, which is admirable. Unfortunately, taking the path of self-respect and being true to yourself is not always easy.

Sometimes, in my life, people will want me to do or be something that I am not. It’s not that I don’t care about them and it’s not that I don’t want them to be happy – it’s just that it does not work for me.

The problem is, when I don’t do what the other person wants, they’re usually not happy. But the people who really do care about me and can put their own wishes on hold – these people are able to let it go.

When someone carries a grudge against you for not doing what they want it says a few things:

1) They’re more concerned with you doing what they want than you being happy.
2) They probably judge their own self-worth based on what you’re willing to do with or for them.

In regards to #2 – when you didn’t do what he wanted, the way it probably hit him is that he wasn’t “good enough” or “worthy enough” for you to do what he wanted. And so he took it as an insult from you (even though that is definitely not how you intended it). I’m basing this on the fact that he’s acting so hurt and snarky towards you.

Now here’s a thought – someone once said to me that the opposite of love is not hate… it is indifference. When someone hates you, you’re still the focal point of a lot of their thoughts… you still mean a lot to them, you’re opinion still matters tremendously to them and what you do affects them deeply. So hate really is the other side of the same coin as love. Indifference, on the other hand is the opposite of those to emotions – instead of having a passionate concern for what the other person thinks, they couldn’t care less.

I bring this up because if someone “hates” you (although I don’t think his emotion is anywhere near as strong as hate), it’s easier to change back to love. Love and hate are interpretations… they’re mental filters.

In other words, when someone loves you, everything you do is viewed through a filter of love. They love your good qualities as well as your less-than-graceful qualities. And when they hate you, they see everything you do through a lens of hate: everything, even the things they used to love.

The good news is that the root of love and hate is a deep interest and investment in you – if you can just find a way to get them to stop filtering everything they see you doing through a lens of hate, they will much more likely like you again… or at least treat you civilly with respect.

Considering all the focus he’s still giving you, I would bet that he still likes you beneath it all. He just can’t deal with whatever had upset him in the first place, and so this is his way of shielding himself from being hurt again.

So how can you get there? I would say do the following:

1) Understand his pain and frustration. Put simply, guys react very poorly if you say no to something and they interpret it as meaning something about them: as a man, as a lover, as a “worthy individual”. It’s not your responsibility to control how he interprets things (nor could it be), but it is something you need to understand and be aware of. If he takes your saying “no” as meaning something bad about him as a person, he will take your saying “no” as an insult to his very manhood. And he will respond as if you insulted him (like he is now). A good thing to watch for is if he has a tendency to take negative things personally. If he does, then that’s a definite red flag for this type of thing happening.

2) Respect yourself and the decision you made. This is not a situation where you deserve him acting like this. I have seen women in situations like this and the impression I always get is the woman blames herself or regrets making the decision she made. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t… I hope you don’t regret your decision – it was the best one to go with. But taking the high road isn’t always easy. You need to always keep focused on your own truth, not on how someone else is treating you because you stayed true to yourself. ‘Nuff said.

3) If he’s taking shots at you and it’s cutting you deeply, the first thing you should try to do is ask him to stop and try to civilly give him an understanding that what you do or do not do is not a measure of his manhood (I’m summarizing here – do not use those words, he’ll think you’re insulting him). But if civil diplomacy fails, I would say cut the sugar-coating and say it how it is – let him know that he needs to get a handle on his own insecurities, that the ways he’s acting is sad, it makes you feel bad for him and that it’s wrong for him to be treating you with malice when you never had any ill-feelings toward him. Again, always go for civil diplomacy first – working things out civilly is always a better way to go. But when someone just won’t let up and you’ve tried everything you can to settle things nicely, it’s time to try something new. When nice doesn’t work, you need to get tough.

Hope it helps.

- eric charles

{ 15 comments… add one }

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rafashia July 29, 2012, 8:13 am

hi all,
I really need a guy’s point of view on this:
I started texting this guy known through a mutual friend, the starting two weeks were great, he used to always text back.. then later on, we met once, i had actually asked our mutual friend to come along but he made sure she didn’t. so what did it mean? now he does’nt text me that often and when i asked him if he wants me stop texting , he said it was not like that, just that he was busy. so i started initiating and texting him first, very rarely he texts back. so i don’t know how to fix this situation and let him know that i’m not being needy and i kinda like him. so please suggest what to be done.

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Jessica Phillipa October 31, 2013, 5:25 am

I know I’m a girl but what I’ve realised is that he’s told you he is busy which is why he doesn’t message you back often. It’s nice that you are having the confidence to initiate the conversation as a relationship works both ways but he may feel like you’re not listening to him as he’s said he’s busy but you continue to try and talk to him. Personally in this situation I would stop messaging him (as hard as it might be) and let him come to you- you’ve put yourself out there for him and now it’s his turn to make some time to message you in his busy schedule… If he doesn’t ever message you… Clearly his loss!!

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arelia July 15, 2012, 7:14 am

That guy sounds like an asshole, he can’t expect you to do anything for him if you are not his everything. The idea that it is somehow bad you asked him if he was looking for a relationship, is also, bunk. After the time you had been together, he should have been happy that you asked, in fact he should have asked you to be in a relationship with him. He just sounds like some manchild retard.

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Cathy June 16, 2012, 7:53 pm

Something very similar happened to me and reading your response turned on a light bulb. Thank you :)

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anibelle February 19, 2012, 12:42 am

The whole “you said no in the bedroom” point just makes me think this guy feels entitled to you and your body, which is wrong. Sure, maybe it has something to do with his self-image, but that is no excuse to pressure you into doing what you don’t want to. Sex is not necessarily a sign of deep interest for everyone, anyway. It seems like this person is really not worth your time if he becomes disinterested just because you said no to sex or a certain sexual act. If he really liked you, he would stick with you and choose not to play silly games.

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Exposed February 5, 2012, 8:14 pm

Why do females have the relationship talk AFTER hooking up and sleeping with the male? Why not find out is he is serious enough for a relationship BEFORE and if he isn’t kick him to the curb. Sleeping with him won’t make him like you. Having a emotional level to it all WILL.

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Be August 24, 2011, 10:23 am

That could have been true before birth control pills and condoms were invented “me”. It always sounds silly if you put out in front how someone else’s actions for us give us our own measure of self esteem. Going the extra mile for another can make all the difference in the world and if he wants to poop on you, If you really really really care about him and think he’ll be your future husband… Take it. All that matters when you asked “do you want to settle down” is when you said it and how you said it. Before sex would’ve been miserable because now the only thing on his mind throughout the night is whether or not continuing to be intimate with you would make a tear jerking goodbye later since maybe your a lot more into him then he is into you. Anyways those are just feelings I’d have were we to share that one night but in no way am I qualified to give you advice on what to do next, goodluck dear you have my wishes !

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me August 5, 2011, 3:37 am

Also go to chastity.com. And type in Jason Evert on youtube for some great videos that will put things into proper perspective for you.

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Eric Charles August 5, 2011, 10:19 am

To the readers: I do not know who Jason Evert is so I cannot condone or caution against anything by him or his viewpoints.

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me August 5, 2011, 3:31 am

It’s simple. You didn’t respect yourself when you chose to have sex with him. When you have sex with someone you are essentially saying, “I love you so much I’d have your child.” Thus, the only proper place for sex is marriage. You shouldn’t have sex then ask for a commitment. You should not have sex UNLESS there’s a commitment — a lifelong commitment. Do you value your future children so little that you would risk bringing them into this world without a father who is committed to you? You did not respect yourself and in turn he did not respect you either. Now the other thing is this. He is manipulative and controlling. You refused to do something your conscience told you not to do. Instead of respecting your decision he insists you do as he says. He wants you to violate your conscience to appease him. He is selfish and actually a danger to your eternal salvation if you stay with him. Because what he is asking you to do is probably mortal sin which could lead you to hell. Him telling you the thing about if he were your slave… is simply a further example of his disrespect for you because he is just trying to get sexual chat going between you. On top of that he gets mad at the idea of commitment! Ok, what happened in the past is the past. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Make amends with God. Tell your ex that you are sorry for endangering his soul as well by sleeping with him outside of marriage (fornication). And from now on respect yourself and wait until you are married. You cannot make him respect you but you can respect yourself. The guy wants you to put him before God. He is dangerous to be with. Move on. It won’t be easy but you must expect better for yourself.

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Eric Charles August 5, 2011, 10:18 am

This is a viewpoint, but I don’t share this perspective.

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Josy December 23, 2010, 9:22 pm

How do we know when you respond to one of the email we sent you ..because I really want to figure out my problem and I have a feeling you could clear it up for me. Please Write Back.

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Smart Payment Plan October 19, 2010, 6:55 pm

all the more reason I dont date at work. But the guy sounds very immature and wouldnt make a good partner anyway.

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Kailey August 26, 2010, 1:28 pm

Wow. I didn’t realise guys took commitment that way. Until I bought some silly dating book and began to see dating through the eyes of some other girls. This happens cause they’re trying to net themselves “a man”.

To me? Commitment means “we’re together”. Love, happiness, fun times, intimacy and we’re in this together.

Not marriage, kids, tied down with responsibility and lack of freedom :S

I’m now less inclined to “heavy” questions, because they don’t mean quite the same thing to everyone, do they?

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sweetee June 27, 2010, 12:45 pm

Bravo! I agree and was thinking the exact same thing to her question. He’s hurt, embarrassed, and ticked off. He’s finding ways to see if she has moved on. He doesn’t actually want to come out and tell her what he’s thinking. But when he comments things like that to her, she should take the chance and talk with him. Seems like he still likes her. But his ego is bruised. Girls need to learn lay off the heavy questions with guys in the beginning.

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