Ask A Guy: Did Sex Ruin The Relationship? post image

Ask A Guy: Did Sex Ruin The Relationship?


I been talking to a guy for a little over a month now and he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend. I’m in college and when we’re at school we spend a lot of time together. I decided to have sex with him just before we went home for winter break.

He acted normal for the first week after we slept together, texting and calling regularly but then things started to changes around the third week of the break and he was barely making contact. Also, about a week after we had sex I asked him if he sees this going anywhere and he replied “Idk yet.” I didn’t respond. I’m so confused by his behavior. Did sex ruin us? What should I do now?

I can understand your concern.

You stepped into new territory in your relationship with him just before leaving for break and now you’re apart.  You can’t see him and you have to rely on occasional texts to know what the deal is.

MORE: How to get a Guy to Text You Back

The fact is, “Idk yet” isn’t bad per se.  It’s not unusual for a guy to be unclear about his feelings toward the relationship in the beginning.  Some people are very in touch with their feelings, others are not.

From the sounds of it, it sounds like you might be assuming the worst or that something is wrong…

Oftentimes, people think that sex ruined their chances of a relationship. The truth is, neediness is the real culprit in nearly every dating problem.

MORE: A Guy’s Take on Neediness

Both women and men can be needy – and the moment one person falls into a needy mindset, the other person starts questioning if they want to be in a relationship with the other person or if it’s a mistake. I’ve seen it happen before a first date is over. I’ve seen it happen with couples that have been together for five years.

The issue is you started obsessing about the relationship instead of being in the relationship. You made “getting somewhere” a goal and objective. And when you make a relationship into a goal or objective, you are dehumanizing the other person. You are objectifying them as a means to an end… and it makes the other person very uncomfortable to be treated like they’re a goal and not a person.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had someone try and get something from you or take something from you, but if you have, you’ll remember that it was a very uncomfortable feeling. You feel violated and on guard – like you can’t trust that person because you feel they are trying to take advantage of you.

I know that you don’t have bad intentions, but it feels that way to the other person. It feels like you are trying to take something from them for your own selfish emotional gain.

Meanwhile, from your side, all you can feel and see is your own fears: “What if he was just using me?” “What if he lost interest in me?” “What if I blew my chances?” and on and on. All you want is reassurance and you’re desperately trying to show you a sign that he cares.

Once you are in a state of desperation (neediness), everything you do stinks of desperation.

So cut that thread. Realize that you were fine before and you don’t need him. Put things in perspective and relax.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

{ 19 comments… add one }

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pearl June 8, 2013, 3:02 am

i had a problem, i met a guy whos comitted to his girl and they had already a baby but they were not marreid. He told me that he like me but he has already a partner. he gave motives to me that he love me, we made phone sex…we really enjoyed each others conversations thru phone calls and text..he always saying that he love me but we cant be together and he doesnt want me to get hurt….i dont know what to do, i love him but i dont know if he really loves me.

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G April 16, 2012, 11:21 pm

To Anna:
You’re not tied down to him so continue meeting and dating others. I’ve personally never asked where things were going. Either they progressed into a relationship or we slowly faded away from each other. Use dating to get to know guys and if you find you’re interested in one and they’re not putting in the effort look elsewhere. I truly believe if it’s meant to be things just naturally fall into place.

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Bella April 9, 2012, 3:43 pm

This is unrelated to the post but, may I just say, the page owners giving feedback on this site are really great. I recently wrote in to another “relationship” type blog where advice is given and, which I’m sure the guy means well, he pretty much generalizes every situation and repeats the same advice over and over, not taking into account that each situation is different. In my case, I wrote in about something that had happened with a guy back in January and this blog owner ended up being totally wrong about the outcome, so I wrote him back 3 months later to give him an update and he somehow still managed to spin MY situation into how he wanted to see it. It was very off-putting.

What I like about you guys is you actually READ what the person’s story is and give personalized advice. It’s truly awesome, so kudos to you all!

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Marie April 9, 2012, 1:23 am

OK…clarifying a point….. is there a difference between:
“I don’t want a relationship” and “I’m not in a place where I can be in a relationship” or is the latter a softer format of the former?

If a guy I met online has been going back-and-forth with me for six months online saying he’d really like this to go somewhere between us- but we both agree that meeting face to face is best before going there— then we meet— and I think it went well (he made all the first moves and took the lead- and I responded with interest) and it gets physical, but then he seems to ‘freak out’ about the physical part……

As we’d discussed everything from music/food/art to ghosts of our past in the six months leading up to this- I felt it was probably safe ground to say, “Hey, what’s up?” which was met with; “I’m in no position to be in a relationship right now.” (which I suspect is due to a couple issues: recent job stress/loss and some feeling of lost confidence)

Uhm…we’ve been in a relationship of sorts for six months, we just took it to a physical level. I have a hard time believing he just wanted to get into my pants- as the effort required to do so was significant— more so that he’d have to put in for someone closer and easier. What gives?

I’ve gone to just being his friend. I care (very much) and have feelings (pretty seriously) but I’m not going to play games. The physical was great- and shows potential we’d be very compatible there (five star thing for me) but I’m puzzled as to why he freaked out? Guy friend here thinks it’s confidence/fear of me.

Going the friend route with him until he figures himself out- and getting on with my good stuff here in my life. But, would appreciate your input.

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Eric Charles April 9, 2012, 11:11 am

They’re one in the same in terms of how to handle it…
.
Which is to interpret that if he says you’re not in a relationship, you’re single. You’re on the market. The world is your oyster.
.
When women come to me heartbroken and disappointed, it’s because they wasted x number of months / years waiting for a guy to “come around” and be “ready” and at the end of it all, he said, “I told you I didn’t want a relationship!”
.
When a man tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. No matter what the reason.
.
Even if his reason is legitimate and not entirely to soften the blow, men have an amazing ability to get their act together when they feel they could lose you to another man.

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Not needy anymore March 23, 2012, 6:29 pm

Eric, I dont know what tod. It seems like I can never win to save my life sometimes. I have been working on my neediness issue for quite sometimes and finally got my balance back in the relationship. Everything that I used to do like waiting for his phone calls, expecting me to text me more or text me right away has gone out the window. I am going out more and enjoying life. It just seems like now that I am a changed person, my boyfriend does not like the change and its actually now causing more problems.
For example, for a long time my boyfriend have distanced himself and the “I Love yous” and romance stopped over 6 months ago. Once he did this and I was confused for a while and started educating myself, I finally figured it out. I stopped calling and trying too hard. Finally this month has been a great month, he finally opened up about us and how he does not want to lose me and is so happy we are back to normal. When he used the word normal I immediately shook my head because I knew I wasn’t going back to Normal ever again atleast until he starts showing more efforts.
For example, yesterday was so romantic. He called me like three times and all for long hour talks. Gushed about us to his mom and called me later to tell me ( Now I see he is acting needy now which kind of got irritating a bit but I will rather take the romance and the feeling of him wanting me than the distance so played along) The last time we spoke two days ago for about 1hr he said he will call me back. I decided to run some errands. Came back home and no calls from him. Normally I would have called but I decided to save the call until the next day.
Well the next day when I called I could sense that he was mad at me for not checking up on him. I can sense he wants the old “Me” back who took cautious effort to show I much I cared in the relationship. I also asked him about the money and schedule for a trip which we really have to book before the end of the month. I sensed he did not like this either because he is in a it low financially and he expects me to ask him to borrow him the money. The only thing here is that I was the one who booked the trip last year and he missed the trip so we had to cancel and I lost a great deal of money.
He hasn’t called me since yesterday. Who acts or does this? We were so in love just two agos. I really enjoyed the attention and it felt genuine
Eric I dont what to go back there. That is such a dark place. I prefer that he continue to show effort while I reciprocate but without letting go of myself. I think he is not taking my new self really well and may think Im playing games. He is not really one that likes to be hurt. Like a true scorpio.

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Ashley L. January 31, 2012, 11:47 am

Sorry to say this but it sounds like you’re a “backup girl”. It took a month for him to ask you out after you started texting because he was probably meeting other women online during that time.
If a guy wants to be with you, he’ll ask you out and make plans to be with you. You won’t feel like you have to drag him along or drop hints to get him to see you because he’ll make it clear that he wants to see you. If I were you I’d date other people and not devote any more time to this guy. You deserve more than the crumbs of attention this guy is giving you. At least stop with the prompts, you’ll learn very quickly if he’s interested in you by whether he makes any effort to see you on his own.
I think people read too much into texts too. Texts aren’t some big declaration of affection, they’re a detached lazy form of communication. It’s so easy to send a cute text or two throughout the day, but they could be doing that with 3 other women at the same time! What’s more telling is if a guy wants to talk to you, uses his vocal chords by picking up the phone, and makes an effort to spend time with you (not just agreeing when you ask).

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Ashley L. January 31, 2012, 11:48 am

oops, that was for Anna!

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Anna January 31, 2012, 3:22 pm

Thanks for the advice! We actually only text for a couple of weeks before he asked me out (when he contacted me again – we hadn’t met up initially) then we went on 4 dates (once a week as like I said we live in different counties) then he stopped asking. Following this we text for a month without any mention of another meet-up.

Friends say I’m a catch and even guys have said it (that have initially seem interested). However I’m 26 and have NEVER had a boyfriend, or even anything close to a relationship. I’m not slutty so that can’t be it however I’ve dated guys and none of them have stuck around and have just stopped trying/disappeared. So whilst I appreciate that you say (and my friends) that I deserve better, how do I know? I’ve never had any reason to think otherwise. I’m trying to wait for the right person but he just doesn’t seem to be out there. It’s hard, because everyone I know, even if they’re single now have had a boyfriend before. It’s to be positive.

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Ashley L. January 31, 2012, 3:34 pm

I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 25. If you go into dating thinking “I really hope this one works out and he becomes my boyfriend”, I think it can send off a vibe that guys pick up on. It’s stupid, but I had to stop worrying if the guy was gonna become my boyfriend and just enjoy getting to know him. The more relaxed I got, the easier it became to get close to guys.

After all, first you have to know if YOU want to be in a committed relationship with THEM. It shouldn’t be a one-way-street. I think so many of us get caught up in wanting to get to the bf/gf status that we forget that dating is just a process for getting to know somebody and learning if they are the right person for us. If they disappear, then obviously they weren’t the right person for you.

How do you know you deserve better? Well if you base your self-worth only on how long guys hang around that’s a bad sign. It sounds like you’re looking for a relationship to validate you, if that’s true, it’s not a healthy place to come from and it’s probably driving a lot of your actions and reactions with the guys you’re dating. You have to know in your heart that you deserve what you’re looking for. Then you won’t feel the need to chase after guys who aren’t reciprocating the effort that you’re giving.

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Anna January 31, 2012, 3:43 pm

You’re right, I guess I know deep down that I do deserve better, but I always want to give them the benefit of the doubt that things will get better or f they’re not treating me how they should that they’ll change. I guess I need to stop giving chances and be strong enough to walk away like you said.
I don’t think I need a relationship necessarily to validate me, I’ve got a good job and great friends but I’m naturally shy although I’m fine socially just still a bit around guys I don’t know. I’ve also always had low self-esteem, thinking that friends are prettier, more fun etc and I guess the ‘single status’ doesn’t help.

Ashley L. January 31, 2012, 3:52 pm

Also it’s dangerous to think that people in relationships have it all together because they’ve managed to get a boyfriend. You never know what’s going on in another person’s relationship or what their secret struggles are. Heck, they say if everyone had to throw their problems into a big pile, they’d be running to grab their problems back after they saw the rest! So try not to think there’s something better about them or something wrong with you because of something like relationship status.

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Hailie's Mom March 15, 2012, 10:21 am

I agree with Ashley! That’s great advice you gave. Pretty much all I wanted to say. Glad I waited and read what comments were there before repeating.

WifeyType January 24, 2012, 9:58 am

Never chase the man……if you have strong feelings for him be patient. If he cares for you he will come around it just depends on how long you plan on waiting for him. Because if you start dating and fall in love with someone else then he decides to come around then what…love you first treat you how you want to be treated and if that guy dont treat you like you treat you then he is not ready……he may never be..

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Jasmine January 19, 2012, 1:37 pm

Hi Eric,

I had a problem where a guy didn’t want a relationship. We were “seeing” each other for 1+ year. I thought things were going somewhere, but then he lost his job. I continued to stand by him and support him even though he said he didn’t want a relationship. I wanted to continue seeing him and hope that things would change. It seemed like we were FWB instead of seeing. We rarely went on dates, just mostly to my house for movies and sex.
I finally got tired of it and told him I wanted a relationship and for him to choose, relationship or friendship (with no sex). He chose friendship.
NOW! It’s been about 7 months we stopped sleeping together. About 3 months after we stopped, he began seeing a girl! At first I didn’t think anything of it. He did say he didn’t want a relationship, but I keep seeing him and this girl on facebook. He would still flirt text me once in a blue moon, but never mentions to me that he’s seeing someone. Last week he flirt text me and asked me about a good restaurant. I finally asked if he was bring his girlfriend. But he never responded…
Eric, what do you think is up? Did my need for wanting a relationship ruin us? Is there a chance I could get him to want me instead of her?

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Ashley L. January 31, 2012, 11:36 am

I’m confused. You gave him an ultimatum: be in a relationship with me or just be my friend. He chose to go the friends route, so why are you surprised that he’s not pursuing you romantically anymore and seeing other people?

IMHO your wanting a relationship didn’t ruin it, the fact that you two wanted very different things meant it was never going to work out in the first place. He said “I don’t want a relationship”, you did. I think it’s pretty clear why things didn’t work out. I’d move on if I were you.

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Jasmine February 5, 2012, 9:25 am

Hi Ashley,
I guess I’m more surprised that he’s pursued another girl to become his girlfriend after telling me he didn’t want any relationship with anyone. I’m just feel jealous bc I feel that he should’ve been mine… not her’s. I’m slowly getting over it an accepting that we will never be. I just don’t have another guy right now to think about instead of him. And when he text me once in a blue moon, it gets me jittery. I would think “Ohhhh he’s thinking of me…” I know it’s sad I think this way, but I can’t help my feelings :T

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Anna January 17, 2012, 7:03 pm

Hi Eric, I understand your point, however there surely must be a point where it’s acceptable to ask if nothing seems to be happening?

I met a guy online, we text for a while then he disappeared. After a few months he messaged me (i’d deleted his number so I had to ask who it was). Anyway he asked to meet up and after the first 2 dates asked when he could see me again. We had another 2 but I asked about meeting up. A 5th was planned, but on the day he text me but never mentioned it (we live in different counties so met at the weekend). We then text for about a month following this but not once did he ask to see me although he text each day. In the end I ended up asking twice if he wanted to continue things, he said yes. Anyway we met a couple of weeks ago and stayed in a hotel and just chilled out with dvds (we didn’t sleep together but it wasn’t completely innocent – on his part, not mine). Anyway we (with my prompts) arranged to meet on sunday just gone. I tried to ask for a time, made suggestions on sunday but he just wasn’t receptive. In the end (on sunday) I started replying with short answers and he then asked if I wanted to meet in the week instead. I gave him yesterday, today and thursday. Now he briefly made a joke initially about us meeting in his bed on thursday but then said dinner and a movie. I’m assuming that he means for us to meet thursday but he hasn’t mentioned it since although has continued to text each day (several times) telling me about his day and asking about mine, how I am etc.

My question is what do you do when a guy texts you everyday and has told you you’re gorgeous, smart, fun etc (without prompting or compliments back) but it feels like i’m almost forcing him to meet up with me? Why would he even be texting me still? Surely there must come a point when I can ask him what he wants from me or where it’s going? At the moment I’m so confused. Please help.

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Lucy January 22, 2012, 5:23 pm

first of all STOP TEXTING and get on the phone, texting is such a waste of time, its disconnected and you may take things the wrong way… texting is ok between phonecalls but dont rely solely on texting.
secondly its fine to ask where things are going, ONCE! never keep pestering, if you ask and he says he doesnt know, tell him where he can stick it, because again in my experience if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you and youl know about it. pull back a bit and get busy with friends, family, dating, hobbies etc…
hope that helps!! xx

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