I been talking to a guy for a little over a month now and he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend. I’m in college and when we’re at school we spend a lot of time together. I decided to have sex with him just before we went home for winter break.
He acted normal for the first week after we slept together, texting and calling regularly but then things started to changes around the third week of the break and he was barely making contact. Also, about a week after we had sex I asked him if he sees this going anywhere and he replied “Idk yet.” I didn’t respond. I’m so confused by his behavior. Did sex ruin us? What should I do now?
I can understand your concern.
You stepped into new territory in your relationship with him just before leaving for break and now you’re apart. You can’t see him and you have to rely on occasional texts to know what the deal is.
The fact is, “Idk yet” isn’t bad per se. It’s not unusual for a guy to be unclear about his feelings toward the relationship in the beginning. Some people are very in touch with their feelings, others are not.
From the sounds of it, it sounds like you might be assuming the worst or that something is wrong…
Oftentimes, people think that sex ruined their chances of a relationship. The truth is, neediness is the real culprit in nearly every dating problem.
Both women and men can be needy – and the moment one person falls into a needy mindset, the other person starts questioning if they want to be in a relationship with the other person or if it’s a mistake. I’ve seen it happen before a first date is over. I’ve seen it happen with couples that have been together for five years.
The issue is you started obsessing about the relationship instead of being in the relationship. You made “getting somewhere” a goal and objective. And when you make a relationship into a goal or objective, you are dehumanizing the other person. You are objectifying them as a means to an end… and it makes the other person very uncomfortable to be treated like they’re a goal and not a person.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had someone try and get something from you or take something from you, but if you have, you’ll remember that it was a very uncomfortable feeling. You feel violated and on guard – like you can’t trust that person because you feel they are trying to take advantage of you.
I know that you don’t have bad intentions, but it feels that way to the other person. It feels like you are trying to take something from them for your own selfish emotional gain.
Meanwhile, from your side, all you can feel and see is your own fears: “What if he was just using me?” “What if he lost interest in me?” “What if I blew my chances?” and on and on. All you want is reassurance and you’re desperately trying to show you a sign that he cares.
Once you are in a state of desperation (neediness), everything you do stinks of desperation.
So cut that thread. Realize that you were fine before and you don’t need him. Put things in perspective and relax.
Hope that helps,