I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months and aside from a few ups and downs, we have a happy relationship. However, there is one unresolved issue which has caused a lot of fights. He has this close girl friend who he used to have a crush on, but then decided was better off as a friend after getting to know her. In the beginning of our relationship, he would talk a lot about her and how “cute” she is but he stopped when he realized I was getting jealous.
Now the main problem. I was using his laptop and saw she had written to him on Skype and couldn’t help but check. Their previous conversation showed up with phrases like “love you” from her and “miss you so much” from him. I was shocked but could not really say anything about it.
I know saying those kinds of things with friends isn’t such a big deal, but my boyfriend is not the kind of person who says I miss you easily. I know that I can get jealous easily which is why I wanted a second opinion. Do I react? If so, what do I say? Will he not be able to trust me if I say something?
Well I mean…you already don’t trust him or you wouldn’t be digging into his private conversations…
The big issue here is that you’re focusing on reading signs to check the status of your relationship (how much does he care?, does he love me? Is he cheating on me?, etc.) rather than digging into where your head is at and looking at the overall picture.
The more important questions to ask are:
- What is your relationship like?
- Do you bring out the best in each other?
- Do you even like who you are in this relationship right now (e.g. are you a paranoid mess chasing the relationship or do you love who you are right now?)
My point is that you can’t know whether or not his conversations with her are innocent or not. In that regard, you’ve opened Pandora’s box and violated the trust in your relationship all at once. Now, you don’t trust him and if you call him out, he won’t trust you.
It sounds to me like you already feel that your relationship is headed downhill. At this point, in the grand scheme of life and love, the best place to focus would be on you. Focus on loving yourself and your life, regardless of whether or not you’re with a man.
I say this because it sounds to me like you are drawing your sense of “wholeness” from the relationship and, for him, the well is running dry. You are unconsciously drawing so much out of the relationship that he is starting to seek fullness outside the relationship just so he can fill himself back up (after you sucking him dry…).
When you fill yourself up without using your relationship as a crutch to fill you up, then you come into the relationship “whole”. Instead of taking, you are giving. You are coming in full and filling up your relationship – you are filling him up.
But it all starts with you.
I promise you – if you fight him about this, it will begin a chain of events that will quickly guarantee the end of your relationship. On the other hand, if you fill yourself up with joy, self-love and fulfilling on your own, then it is likely that your relationship will dramatically improve.
I mention all that because you must come into a relationship whole, happy and fulfilled already if you want any chance to improve it and have him treat you as the priority.
Clearly this girl is giving him something of value or else she wouldn’t be in his life…
Oftentimes, we all have a tendency to fixate on the problems in our relationships and on our own unfulfilled desires and wants. We want our relationship to fill them up… we even feel entitled to it!
But all to often, all the problem-fixation and desire to “get yours” from the relationship takes its toll. You end up draining the guy and forgetting to fill him back up with whatever fills him with love.
The majority of men (myself included), feel full with love from your words: your encouragement to meet his goals and aspirations, your admiration of his strengths and talents and your reassurance and compliments in the areas where he is unsure of himself.
We might not show our appreciation on the service (since we don’t want to appear week and needy), but the majority of men are starving for this kind of verbal affirmation from their woman.
If his female “friend” is giving him this and you’re not, then it’s a guarantee he’ll keep going to her to get “filled up”… the energy that you’re putting into worrying would be better spent on “filling him up”.
Now… the majority of men also are “filled up” by receiving physical touch from you. It doesn’t necessarily have to be sex (though sex is included here) – it includes anything from holding his hand to touching his shoulder when you lean over him to grab your keys. Physical touch from their woman fills the majority of men with love.
But again, you must already be in a place of fulfillment, happiness and wholeness. Not neediness – if you’re needy, your attempts to fill him with love will come off as desperate and manipulative, not genuine and loving.
The only way you can give love genuinely and freely is if you’re not starving for it yourself. And the only way to not starve for love is to learn to love yourself and fill yourself up so you don’t NEED another person to do it. When you can achieve that, then you have real power to improve your relationship.
Hope that helps,
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