Ask a Guy: He Said He Loved Me, But Seems to Be Losing Interest post image

Ask a Guy: He Said He Loved Me, But Seems to Be Losing Interest


I have been dating this guy for roughly 8 months. Things started out amazing, getting to know each other turned into mutual interest and before long he asked me to be his girlfriend. He even dropped the ‘I Love You’ bomb on me, which was fine because the feeling was mutual. I never invested myself in a relationship 100% before him, but he managed to get me mentally, emotionally, and physically. With all that being said, I understand that a woman should not put too much out there or be too available in the beginning. I did that and lived by that in the past … Hell, I got him by doing that.

Lately, however, I’ve found myself living around him, being super available and maybe even a little needy. I’ve also noticed a change in the way he is around me. He seems to slowly be losing interest. He makes time for me, but I don’t feel like it’s enough and things just feel different.

My question: When you are in a relationship with someone, how do you ensure that he wont lose interest? He says he loves me and wants to have a future but sometimes I feel like his actions aren’t matching his words. Am I reading too much into this? What’s going on?
The solution: Put 100% into your life and your relationship. When you come in “full,” your happiness will spill over into the relationship and he will want more of it and give more to it.

Part of giving 100% to your relationship is giving 100% to your life in general.

Sometimes a woman gets into a relationship and she completely lets her life go. She no longer hangs out with her friends, she no longer engages in her hobbies, she stops pursuing her own interests.

Her entire life is basically her just spending time with her boyfriend or doing what she has to do (e.g. her job, college classes, etc.)

The problem slowly creeps up that he (the boyfriend) is now the entire source of satisfaction in her whole life.

And the girl can make the mistake of thinking that this means she’s giving 100% to the relationship because she’s constantly with him.

But this isn’t giving 100% – this is taking 100%.

The woman in this case is looking to her boyfriend to “fill her up” versus looking to her own self and her own life to “fill her up.” In that way, she comes into the relationship every day empty handed, looking to get full on the relationship.

Not a problem when he’s already full and happy to give. But after a while, this constantly taking can run the relationship’s emotional bank account dry… And that’s the point where the guy feels like he needs to add things to his own life so he can fill himself up.

Now, maybe your example isn’t that extreme, but do you see where I’m going with this?

You need your life to fill you up completely. You need your life and your own self to make yourself completely happy and satisfied – and then allow that to spill over into your relationship…

A lot of people reverse this – they think the relationship should fill them up so that they go into life feeling fuller. This does happen, but it can only happen when both people (for the most part) are coming into the relationship full to begin with.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

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Tracy

I went so far into depression and pain over this man that I am having a really hard time coming out of it. I CANNOT understand why and how he could have done what he has done to do me. Not once, but twice! After living together for over a year and without any warning at all…he just decided it was time for me to move out. Come to find out, he was seeing another woman. He never really let me go completely. For the next 8 months of me crying every day and every night over “what happened” he would still see me (when it suited him and his time slots). He would take me and do all of the same things we did when we met that were so beautiful, I would stay up at house for a couple of days at a time–and this last time he literally had me at his house about 4 out of every 7 days for two months straight and them BOOM! One day he “had plans” (the same “plans that were the cause of us splitting the first time around)and I haven’t heard a word from him in 2 weeks! The last text message he sent me was to ask me if I knew how “ugly I really was”. Of course, in all honesty I sent him a a pretty bad text prior to that telling him I hoped he choked on her and “how could he do this to me AGAIN”…How can men just walk away and move on to the next woman and leave us standing here with our hearts in shambles, eyes swelled up, and memories? Lots and lots of memories that he will be making with her now! I trusted him, I believed in him and he knew it…I told him so. I just don’t want to hurt this way again or anymore and the pain just keeps coming

Reply January 21, 2016, 9:17 pm

jane

How do you address this when its different . For instance I’m feeling maybe this is the issue between us right now but I’m not needy at all and I think that’s what might bother him … Just how I’m feeling unsure of my status to him because he’s withdrawing is it possible hes looking for the same security I am , ?

Reply January 4, 2016, 6:08 am

Maria

He told me he loved me through text for the first time is it wierd.

Reply December 16, 2015, 9:27 am

Candi

I’m sorry, but I’m tired of hearing this advice. The idea that in order to have a relationship, you must have this happy, amazingly satisfying life outside of the relationship first. It’s just not true or plausible for Most people. LIFE SUCKS. It’s stressful as all hell. And I’m a therapist, and I know 100s of people that have committed relationships with partners despite their outside lives (work, finances, family, etc) not being happy and satisfying but really stressful. Research shows that 18-33 are the most stressful periods of life in the world. I assume most of your audience falls into this age category so stop trying to make people feel like they aren’t allowed to look to their partner for happiness and satisfaction. Anybody who has ever been in a relarionship with someone they love, knows that the relarionship MAKES the rest of your life stressors way easier to manage!

Reply July 4, 2015, 3:05 pm

Eric Charles

Perhaps one day, you might look out a window on a rainy day and say, “This weather is dreadful.”

Only… the weather isn’t dreadful… only your reaction to it.

I have never said have an extraordinary life. There are plenty of fantastically happy people with ordinary or even severely disadvantaged lives. They engage with life in a happy way. There are also people with all the advantages and luxuries in the world, and they are wildly unhappy… they engage in life in a way that causes them to suffer greatly.

I had been one of those people who had suffered greatly. I don’t want to get into the dark details here, but I can tell you I was deeply depressed, deeply frustrated and I wished that I could just disappear and vanish from existence… I wanted to be gone.

So I can tell you that I’m not some sort of head-in-the-clouds, grinning-idiot type. I can tell that I managed to free myself from suffering and, personally, my life is quite happy now. I am quite happy now.

It was a shift in how I engaged with life.

Sure, being in a great relationship can certainly be a well-spring of warm love and support… and I want everyone to have the opportunity to experience that in their life. However, I believe that happiness is a skill… and a very relevant relationship skill at that… so I encourage people to develop the skill of learning to engage with life (with all its ups, downs, celebrations and disappointments) in a way that doesn’t cause them needless *mind-generated* suffering.

Most people who have not developed this skill have the outlook that they are incomplete or not-whole or have a void that must be filled… and they believe a love-relationship is going to fill that void and complete them. This is at best a road to disappointment and at worst a recipe for disaster.

Hope that’s helpful.

Reply July 5, 2015, 12:33 am

carri

In every relationship there must be understanding,everyone has his or her own flaws.understand it.know when he’s in d mood.don’t be too available n needy it will make him backoff..he might truly love u.

Reply November 6, 2014, 8:52 am

Mithu Rahman

What you may be confusing, Michelle, is the term ‘mysterious’ with ‘impenetrable’ – the latter would suggest an inability to communicate either intent or emotion, which would lead to loss of intimacy.
Being mysterious, on the other hand, has enormous power, as it implies there are layers that need to be uncovered slowly. A man who can be mysterious will reveal these layers over a long-term relationship as a ‘reward’ for the woman’s investment in the relationship. Same is true vice versa.
What is a shame for this woman is that she may have been influenced by past relationships, not just with men, but with friends/family, that she only gets validation by being ‘super available’. But it won’t work in attracting a high-value man

Reply October 26, 2012, 8:07 am

Michelle

I am not sure whether I agree with Mithu’s idea that a woman or even a man for that matter, needs to be a mystery. But absolutely agree with the usage of intriguing. We achieve this , I believe anyways, by having our own identity and life that we then share with others. Not just with our lovers and husbands, but with our friends and family. I found Eric’s comments about this in terms of percentage’s to be very enlightened way to look at the situation. Thank-you Eric.

Reply October 25, 2012, 8:00 am

katie

It’s all about balance. I’ve been guilty many times in the past of tipping the scales in the man’s favor and realizing after that, had I kept the same balance of all the aspects of my life, that I could have kept many great relationships flourishing (as least for much longer than they did)! Thanks Eric! As always, you are so insightful and honest!

Reply October 23, 2012, 11:46 pm

Niki

This is true. I can co -relate it because even i have done this same mistake which i realised it when he broke up with me. Love is not the only thing for a relationship to work , though it plays a major role but other factors are also needed for a stable relation.

Reply October 23, 2012, 11:34 pm

Mithu Rahman

The key word she used is ‘needy’. It has to be the ultimate turn-off for both men and women. No-one wants a needy person around. They require, even beg for, as much as your time as you can spare.
She’s given her own answer in her question has she not? Things start off with her being intriguing, then she turns into Miss ‘super available’ – if there’s no mystery left for him, what’s he hanging about with her for? Maybe she thinks he’ll change as well. He won’t.
A woman needs to maintain a part of her life that’s always intriguing, it keeps relationships alive. Bottom line, he needs room to be able to give to the relationship as well. Her instincts are dead right, he’s going to walk, and probably soon.

Reply October 23, 2012, 7:12 pm

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