Ask a Guy: How Can I Find Out If He’s Seeing Other People? post image

Ask a Guy: How Can I Find Out If He’s Seeing Other People?


I met this guy on a night out with friends and we’ve been texting pretty much all day every day for a month. He often texts me first and we seem to really get along well and like him a lot. The thing I need help with is I have no idea if he’s maybe talking to and/or seeing other girls. I personally am not interested in other boys, and while at the moment I’m still happy with seeing how things go, I just want to know how he feels it’s going with us.

I suppose I’m worried that asking him this will make me seem rather pushy when really all I want is to not feel so unsure about the entire thing. Any advice?

Here’s the issue – there is no way you can know. You can’t read his mind and you can’t spy on him… your only choice is to figure out how to keep yourself stable and stop worrying.

I’ve seen men and women make the mistake of fixating on one person and jumping way ahead into thinking about where things could lead and what their relationship could become.

Actually, it goes deeper than that.  We have a notion in our culture that a relationship with someone somehow entitles you to possess that person, almost like they are your property or possession… and if they don’t do what you want, you are entitled to punish them, shame them, berate them, invade their privacy, etc.

It’s ridiculous and insane, but common and therefore accepted by the masses as “the way it is.”

The fact of the matter is:  you can’t control anyone but yourself.  You can’t own anyone but yourself.  And at the end of the day, everyone (including you) is going to do whatever they want to do.

So rather than worry and wonder about what he might be doing, let go of it and realize that you really don’t have any control over him or anyone else.  Nobody controls anyway, nobody owns anyone.

In your situation, you’re just talking to a guy. That’s it. It might go somewhere, it might not.

I can guarantee that if you get wrapped up in worrying about what he’s doing, you’ll do things that will harm your chances. Worry leads to desperation, desperation leads to acting needy, acting needy leads to the guy wanting nothing to do with you.

For now, play it cool. Don’t fixate on him – consider yourself on the dating market until he specifically and clearly locks you down into a relationship.

Moreover, you’ll find that the women that have the most success in their dating life don’t pay attention to things like worrying about what the guy is doing or “plotting and scheming” how to control the guy’s behavior.

You might say to me, “Well, Eric, that’s because she’s confident,” or, “Well, Eric, she’s never had a problem with guys – guys have always flocked to her.”

… to which I would reply, “Yes… you’re right… and you just made my point.”

You’ll notice that the women who have effortless success in their dating life absorb themselves in enjoying their life and the world around them, not fixating on internal worries or trying to control the behavior of others.  They focus on having a great relationship with the people around them… not trying to acquire a relationship or boyfriend as if they were trying to acquire a new handbag or pair of heels.

If you want a great relationship, then focus on having a great relationship.  I have to imagine (and hope) you don’t spy on your best friends or family… or dig into their personal business.  You probably don’t even think about the relationship you have with them because you’re absorbed in just having a great relationship with them.

Why should your love life be any different?  Why should the future love-of-your-life be subjected to a version of you that’s paranoid, focused on “locking him down” and spying on his personal business when everyone else who you love and care about gets the best of you?

I know it sounds ridiculous when I put it like that because, well, it is!

Bottom line:  Relax, take a deep breath and focus on putting your best energy into the relationship.  Let go of this feeling that you can know everything about him or control his behavior.  Just relax and enjoy the relationship as it is without needing to “get somewhere”.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

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z

Hi I have a relationship with elderly man that he has been divorced for 6 years and he has dated very much since his divorced and he keep in contact with his old high school sweetheart that he had and affair with. Now he is very good to me, calls me everyday morning night and helps me out we go on dates every weekend. But, he loves to make me jealous with this woman and other woman he has dated. He always receiving texts and he smiles and makes little hints thats from those women. I don’t want to let him know that it bothers me because I think he enjoys it. But it does what do I do?

Reply November 12, 2014, 8:24 pm

Nedda

I agree more with Anais, Texting is so NOT part of the courtship process. It’s part of the LAZY process. Nothing reveals more about a guy than the way he chooses to get to know you. And if it’s via text–aka, one sided, convenient for him, blah blah–then don’t waste your time. A good way to get out of the text hole is to say something like, “I’m not a serial texter, just FYI”. It’s cute, not rude, and still does the job. And if he doesn’t call you or ask you out, then he’s not interested. Some guys just want distractions. I hate to say it, but it’s true. In my experience, the less convenient you are, the more he’ll want to see you. Obviously I don’t mean go out of your way to be inconvenient, just try not to be ‘around’. Guys still have to make the first move. After all, it’s not like women get down on one knee now do they.

Reply December 31, 2012, 4:01 pm

Anais

I think we women should keep our options open while dating and a commitment hasn’t been made yet. It totally helps you not focus on that one guy and worry about what he’s doing. Keep the focus on yourself. And if he doesn’t work out, you’ll already have another prospect. Also re: the original letter, a month in, a guy shouldn’t be only texting you, unless you’re looking for a casual relationship/friendship. But if you want it to lead to boyfriend-girlfriend? Let him call you every now and then.

I think we women are making it too easy on men accepting texting as the sole form of communication and doing it for hours. It’s messing up the whole courtship process and I’ve experienced several men act like I was from another planet when I mention talking on the phone. Even with online dating, they act surprised at times… It frightens me that women are cool with meeting strangers from online without a phone conversation now. Men shouldn’t be trained to see a 5 to 20 minute phone call as such a chore.

Reply December 28, 2012, 2:46 pm

Mah

Well, I found out that the guy I was dating was seeing someone else before me. It would be ok if he hadn’t meet me before meeting her.
He began to chase me after this woman left him, and so when I figured that out, I told him that I felt horrible and also that I didn’t want to be his second choice. So I broke up.

Reply November 29, 2012, 2:05 pm

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