Ask a Guy: How Can I Find Out If He’s Seeing Other People? post image

Ask a Guy: How Can I Find Out If He’s Seeing Other People?

I met this guy on a night out with friends and we’ve been texting pretty much all day every day for a month. He often texts me first and we seem to really get along well and like him a lot. The thing I need help with is I have no idea if he’s maybe talking to and/or seeing other girls. I personally am not interested in other boys, and while at the moment I’m still happy with seeing how things go, I just want to know how he feels it’s going with us.

I suppose I’m worried that asking him this will make me seem rather pushy when really all I want is to not feel so unsure about the entire thing. Any advice?

Here’s the issue – there is no way you can know. You can’t read his mind and you can’t spy on him… your only choice is to figure out how to keep yourself stable and stop worrying.

I’ve seen men and women make the mistake of fixating on one person and jumping way ahead into thinking about where things could lead and what their relationship could become.

Actually, it goes deeper than that.  We have a notion in our culture that a relationship with someone somehow entitles you to possess that person, almost like they are your property or possession… and if they don’t do what you want, you are entitled to punish them, shame them, berate them, invade their privacy, etc.

It’s ridiculous and insane, but common and therefore accepted by the masses as “the way it is.”

The fact of the matter is:  you can’t control anyone but yourself.  You can’t own anyone but yourself.  And at the end of the day, everyone (including you) is going to do whatever they want to do.

So rather than worry and wonder about what he might be doing, let go of it and realize that you really don’t have any control over him or anyone else.  Nobody controls anyway, nobody owns anyone.

In your situation, you’re just talking to a guy. That’s it. It might go somewhere, it might not.

I can guarantee that if you get wrapped up in worrying about what he’s doing, you’ll do things that will harm your chances. Worry leads to desperation, desperation leads to acting needy, acting needy leads to the guy wanting nothing to do with you.

For now, play it cool. Don’t fixate on him – consider yourself on the dating market until he specifically and clearly locks you down into a relationship.

Moreover, you’ll find that the women that have the most success in their dating life don’t pay attention to things like worrying about what the guy is doing or “plotting and scheming” how to control the guy’s behavior.

You might say to me, “Well, Eric, that’s because she’s confident,” or, “Well, Eric, she’s never had a problem with guys – guys have always flocked to her.”

… to which I would reply, “Yes… you’re right… and you just made my point.”

You’ll notice that the women who have effortless success in their dating life absorb themselves in enjoying their life and the world around them, not fixating on internal worries or trying to control the behavior of others.  They focus on having a great relationship with the people around them… not trying to acquire a relationship or boyfriend as if they were trying to acquire a new handbag or pair of heels.

If you want a great relationship, then focus on having a great relationship.  I have to imagine (and hope) you don’t spy on your best friends or family… or dig into their personal business.  You probably don’t even think about the relationship you have with them because you’re absorbed in just having a great relationship with them.

Why should your love life be any different?  Why should the future love-of-your-life be subjected to a version of you that’s paranoid, focused on “locking him down” and spying on his personal business when everyone else who you love and care about gets the best of you?

I know it sounds ridiculous when I put it like that because, well, it is!

Bottom line:  Relax, take a deep breath and focus on putting your best energy into the relationship.  Let go of this feeling that you can know everything about him or control his behavior.  Just relax and enjoy the relationship as it is without needing to “get somewhere”.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

11 comments… add one

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Real Life Woman

Eric Charles,
Please allow me to contradict you. The fact that a woman is trying to figure out whether her guy has other women (right from the beginning of the relationship) is not a sign she is insecure or needy, or that she is trying to “fixate” on him as you say. It’s mainly a health issue and also thinking long term and commitment. It is really awful to be the woman he sleeps with on Monday and Friday, while he sleeps with two or three other ones during the rest of the week. You say that a woman shouldn’t worry until it all turns into a relationship. For things to turn into a relationship and for the man to “lock” a woman into a relationship, the woman has to sleep with the guy for a while, usually months… Most guys I dated told me it takes them months to figure out their feelings, fall in love and call it official… so go figure. Is it ok to stay calm and not even check or worry while he might be sleeping with other women and share some STD-s with you? Come on. My best friend got Gonorrhea after 4months into a relationship with her new boyfriend. I personally got Chlamydia after a year sleeping with my so called boyfriend. When you say “women who have effortless success in their dating life absorb themselves in enjoying their life” you are actually right. These women you refer to are men’s favorites. They never ask a question, they are “absorbed” into their love so bad that they forget they live in a real world, and men cheat on them with other women kept on the side. That’s exactly the way I used to be for years, having “effortless success” in my dating life, not checking my guy and trusting him 100%… and so I ended up dating someone who was cheating me and also gave me an STD. Almost all of my ex-s cheated on me, we were both good looking and easy for him to find other women. Women who never care to check on their guys face the reality when it’s too late and long time passed living in an unfaithful relationship. Or may be they just agree with an open relationship and everybody’s happy… this might also be the case but that’s not what we talk about here…

Reply October 10, 2015, 10:40 pm

Eric Charles

I get your point and I do feel this could use some clarification…

This question and my answer were edited down for brevity and some important details got cut out along the way…

First off, this woman was chatting with the guy — they hadn’t gone on a date, they hadn’t done anything beyond enjoying chatting with each other.

So the central thrust of my response to her was, “Look, don’t push the cart before the horse — enjoy spending time with him and see where it goes.”

That said, if this woman was in a relationship with the guy and maybe even sleeping with him, my advice would be different… and pretty much in line with what you’re talking about.

… and it would be simple. If I was in her shoes, I would simply say, “Look, I really like what we have with each other right now, whatever it is… so I want to ask you something purely from a health perspective. I’m not going to judge you, I’m not going to have a problem with whatever your answer is…. people are people, I can handle whatever you have to say… Are you sexually active with anyone else or seeing anyone else?”

This would be a conversation, but from a health-perspective, it’s really good to get a clear honest answer… and the best way to get a clear honest answer is to be as allowing, accepting and non-judgmental as you can be so that they tell you what the truth is.

If you want the truth, be excellent at handling the truth. And when it comes to knowing if I could be at risk for STDs, it’s very important to know the truth.

Now at the same time, some people don’t want to deal with the potential consequences of telling the truth, so they’ll lie and tell you that they’re not seeing anyone when in fact, they are. Women and men lie… not all men or women, but some… so even when you ask point-blank, you might not get the truth…

There’s nothing wrong with clear, direct communication. There’s nothing needy about that.

In terms of contradicting the article, I wouldn’t say you’re contradicting it… it’s just apples and oranges here. The article is speaking to a woman who’s whipping herself into a frenzy of worry about whether a guy she likes will like her back (again, this was obscured through editing out too much of the details…), whereas what you’re talking about absolutely warrants clear direct communication.

Thanks for the comment.

Reply October 11, 2015, 12:41 am


I don’t understand why should a woman wait for the guy to make a decision? Why can’t she just make it clear she likes him, and if he doesn’t like her back, she at least knows and move on. Why are we women made to feel we must wait for the guy to make it all happen? It is frustrating and humiliating to be honest.

Reply June 27, 2015, 2:49 pm

Eric Charles

She can… why couldn’t she?

Reply July 11, 2015, 4:21 pm


I completely agree with this article, I used to worry about stuff like that and it just makes you unhappy, I got involved into a way too intense relationship that was controlling and suffocating, I finally got out of it and now I’ve been talking to someone for a little while and we haven’t really come to terms with what we are, but we’re happy and I realized that, if I sit back and go with the flow he actually starts to take more initiative in defining things between us and I’ve just been playing it cool because I know how frustrating it can be to have somebody way to emotionally involved, so truly I think it’s the best advice to just enjoy your time with this person and let things fall where they are supposed too, if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be

Reply March 24, 2015, 9:29 pm


What an amazing article! I was feeling some type of way about a guy I just met recently, I felt he was uncertain of me at times and had me questioning things from time to time. Reading this article has been very helpful and helped me think more positively. The author pointed out some key things such as focusing on happiness within ourselves. I agreed and realize that this is something I will work more in my end. Think it will save my relationship also. Well done:)

Reply February 6, 2015, 8:10 pm


What a great post!!!! Best advice I have read all night. So good that my answer has been found.

Reply December 16, 2014, 10:30 pm


Hi I have a relationship with elderly man that he has been divorced for 6 years and he has dated very much since his divorced and he keep in contact with his old high school sweetheart that he had and affair with. Now he is very good to me, calls me everyday morning night and helps me out we go on dates every weekend. But, he loves to make me jealous with this woman and other woman he has dated. He always receiving texts and he smiles and makes little hints thats from those women. I don’t want to let him know that it bothers me because I think he enjoys it. But it does what do I do?

Reply November 12, 2014, 8:24 pm


I agree more with Anais, Texting is so NOT part of the courtship process. It’s part of the LAZY process. Nothing reveals more about a guy than the way he chooses to get to know you. And if it’s via text–aka, one sided, convenient for him, blah blah–then don’t waste your time. A good way to get out of the text hole is to say something like, “I’m not a serial texter, just FYI”. It’s cute, not rude, and still does the job. And if he doesn’t call you or ask you out, then he’s not interested. Some guys just want distractions. I hate to say it, but it’s true. In my experience, the less convenient you are, the more he’ll want to see you. Obviously I don’t mean go out of your way to be inconvenient, just try not to be ‘around’. Guys still have to make the first move. After all, it’s not like women get down on one knee now do they.

Reply December 31, 2012, 4:01 pm


I think we women should keep our options open while dating and a commitment hasn’t been made yet. It totally helps you not focus on that one guy and worry about what he’s doing. Keep the focus on yourself. And if he doesn’t work out, you’ll already have another prospect. Also re: the original letter, a month in, a guy shouldn’t be only texting you, unless you’re looking for a casual relationship/friendship. But if you want it to lead to boyfriend-girlfriend? Let him call you every now and then.

I think we women are making it too easy on men accepting texting as the sole form of communication and doing it for hours. It’s messing up the whole courtship process and I’ve experienced several men act like I was from another planet when I mention talking on the phone. Even with online dating, they act surprised at times… It frightens me that women are cool with meeting strangers from online without a phone conversation now. Men shouldn’t be trained to see a 5 to 20 minute phone call as such a chore.

Reply December 28, 2012, 2:46 pm


Well, I found out that the guy I was dating was seeing someone else before me. It would be ok if he hadn’t meet me before meeting her.
He began to chase me after this woman left him, and so when I figured that out, I told him that I felt horrible and also that I didn’t want to be his second choice. So I broke up.

Reply November 29, 2012, 2:05 pm

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