I’ve been friends with this guy for nearly two years now and I’ve been completely hung up on him for about eleven months. For the majority of that time he was in a relationship that had been going on for a while, but about three months ago he ended it. A while later, we had a talk about our feelings for each other and he said that he wanted a relationship with me but that he needed a little time to get over what was quite a messy break-up (especially since his ex spread a few not-so-nice rumors about me and him following it).
After the talk we got a lot closer and it felt like we were really going somewhere. However, that all changed when we went on holiday with a group of friends recently and it felt like he started to pull away big time. He acted extremely distant towards me for the whole week and he’s been very flirty with a friend of mine who is actually in a relationship and trying to help me get to the bottom of all this. Everyone on the trip expected something to happen between us whilst away and I don’t know if this freaked him out or something, but since then we haven’t been the same together. And now he’s saying that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone until the next Uni year, which isn’t until September. He’s also said that I’m free to do as I wish with any other guys since he doesn’t think it’s fair for me to have to ‘stick to any rules’.
The problem I’m having is understanding where he’s coming from. Is he relationship-shy because of his messy break-up? Did things get too real for him on the trip? Or, are all of these excuses his way of telling me that, when it comes down to it, he doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship with me?
First, I will give this to you straight right off the top: His excuses are intended to make you abandon the thought of getting into a relationship with him.
Nobody and I mean nobody has any idea when they’re going to be “ready” for a relationship – so when he says he’ll be ready next year, it has about as much basis in reality as the land of Narnia.
The majority of men have no desire to get into a relationship with a woman when they know that they “got her where they want her” anyway. You said it yourself: You’ve been completely hung up on him for about eleven months.
Call it whatever you want, but when a guy has a woman in this position he does not want to date her. He’d have nothing to gain from it – he knows he has you either way and all putting a title on things would do for him is limit his freedom.
Guys don’t get into relationships because they like relationships. We do it because we feel that if we don’t, we’ll lose our chance with a girl who makes other girls pale by comparison.
If you’re completely hung up on him then you’re hurting your chances of him seeing you as a candidate to date. There’s no challenge to it – he knows he can have you however he wants you and that you’ll still probably want him even if he pursues other girls (ones that he’s not sure whether or not he’s capable of getting).
I feel that I am being too blunt in my response to you and it’s not my goal or desire to hurt your feelings. But if I sugarcoat this it’s not going to be helpful to you – I would rather help you so that you get the most out of your dating/relationship life and not continue down a path that isn’t serving you.
Here’s the best thing you can do: Move on.
Fill your life with things you find fun. Spend time having fun with friends. Fill yourself with LOVE and CONFIDENCE for yourself and everything about you. And, most importantly, open yourself up to new guys and new options.
Two things will happen: Great new options and possibilities will come to you. Sure, you may say at this moment that you don’t want new options (you want HIM), but I promise you that you’ll be thankful you took my advice when you see what could be in store for you.
And… if you truly 100% commit to moving on and filling your life with fun, confidence and openness, he will inevitably come around. First, he’ll show some interest – just enough bait to see if he can get you back where you were before. All caught up on him. But if you continue down the path of moving on, he’ll freak out and he’ll put his best effort forth to have you.
Now his best effort might not be good enough for you, but it will be his best. If it is, great, you got him and you know how to live your life in a way that attracts him (don’t stop once you have him, that’s a mistake). But more importantly, if his best isn’t good enough, you’ll be happy in your life, you’ll have options and you’ll know for certain that he isn’t what you wanted.
Either way you win: You’ll be happy and you’ll have him try his best.
Nobody has space to come to you if you are waiting for them on their doorstep – metaphorically speaking. Give him some space to come to you, even chase you. Then you’ll know if there’s truly relationship potential and you won’t be chasing him as he hits on your friends and pursues other women.
Hope it helps,