Ask a Guy: What Do His Excuses Really Mean? post image

Ask a Guy: What Do His Excuses Really Mean?


I’ve been friends with this guy for nearly two years now and I’ve been completely hung up on him for about eleven months. For the majority of that time he was in a relationship that had been going on for a while, but about three months ago he ended it. A while later, we had a talk about our feelings for each other and he said that he wanted a relationship with me but that he needed a little time to get over what was quite a messy break-up (especially since his ex spread a few not-so-nice rumors about me and him following it).

After the talk we got a lot closer and it felt like we were really going somewhere. However, that all changed when we went on holiday with a group of friends recently and it felt like he started to pull away big time. He acted extremely distant towards me for the whole week and he’s been very flirty with a friend of mine who is actually in a relationship and trying to help me get to the bottom of all this.  Everyone on the trip expected something to happen between us whilst away and I don’t know if this freaked him out or something, but since then we haven’t been the same together. And now he’s saying that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone until the next Uni year, which isn’t until September. He’s also said that I’m free to do as I wish with any other guys since he doesn’t think it’s fair for me to have to ‘stick to any rules’.

The problem I’m having is understanding where he’s coming from. Is he relationship-shy because of his messy break-up? Did things get too real for him on the trip? Or, are all of these excuses his way of telling me that, when it comes down to it, he doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship with me?

First, I will give this to you straight right off the top:  His excuses are intended to make you abandon the thought of getting into a relationship with him.

Nobody and I mean nobody has any idea when they’re going to be “ready” for a relationship – so when he says he’ll be ready next year, it has about as much basis in reality as the land of Narnia.

The majority of men have no desire to get into a relationship with a woman when they know that they “got her where they want her” anyway.  You said it yourself:  You’ve been completely hung up on him for about eleven months.

Call it whatever you want, but when a guy has a woman in this position he does not want to date her.  He’d have nothing to gain from it – he knows he has you either way and all putting a title on things would do for him is limit his freedom.

Guys don’t get into relationships because they like relationships.  We do it because we feel that if we don’t, we’ll lose our chance with a girl who makes other girls pale by comparison.

If you’re completely hung up on him then you’re hurting your chances of him seeing you as a candidate to date.  There’s no challenge to it – he knows he can have you however he wants you and that you’ll still probably want him even if he pursues other girls (ones that he’s not sure whether or not he’s capable of getting).

I feel that I am being too blunt in my response to you and it’s not my goal or desire to hurt your feelings.  But if I sugarcoat this it’s not going to be helpful to you – I would rather help you so that you get the most out of your dating/relationship life and not continue down a path that isn’t serving you.

Here’s the best thing you can do: Move on.

Fill your life with things you find fun.  Spend time having fun with friends.  Fill yourself with LOVE and CONFIDENCE for yourself and everything about you.  And, most importantly, open yourself up to new guys and new options.

Two things will happen:  Great new options and possibilities will come to you.  Sure, you may say at this moment that you don’t want new options (you want HIM), but I promise you that you’ll be thankful you took my advice when you see what could be in store for you.

And… if you truly 100% commit to moving on and filling your life with fun, confidence and openness, he will inevitably come around.  First, he’ll show some interest – just enough bait to see if he can get you back where you were before.  All caught up on him.  But if you continue down the path of moving on, he’ll freak out and he’ll put his best effort forth to have you.

Now his best effort might not be good enough for you, but it will be his best.  If it is, great, you got him and you know how to live your life in a way that attracts him (don’t stop once you have him, that’s a mistake).  But more importantly, if his best isn’t good enough, you’ll be happy in your life, you’ll have options and you’ll know for certain that he isn’t what you wanted.

Either way you win:  You’ll be happy and you’ll have him try his best.

Nobody has space to come to you if you are waiting for them on their doorstep – metaphorically speaking.  Give him some space to come to you, even chase you.  Then you’ll know if there’s truly relationship potential and you won’t be chasing him as he hits on your friends and pursues other women.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

{ 22 comments… add one }

Leave Your Comment Now…

Shay

What is he really meaning when he says He’s not looking for a relationship at the moment, he needs to work on himself

Reply October 27, 2014, 10:20 am

kristi

what does it mean when a guys says im sure youre a great catch

Reply October 9, 2014, 5:43 pm

sara

Hi, I’ve been with a businessman and my problem is that most of the time when we’re planning something he’s calling it off in the very last moment. The worst part is that there’s always a good reason behind, e.g a new contract must prepared so he can’t show up for a dinner party, a flight from a business trip has been delayed and he can’t join me on our holiday, he cancels the reservation because his parents called him that somebody at home is sick so he must be available on Skype. After the last time while he has made a fool of me I’ve made it clear that I’m stepping back. He’s a sweet guy but it looks like he’s got more time for his own company and clients than for me. The annoying part is that he’s feeding my hopes with empty words about getting married, travelling, catching up with friends, etc. Is there any way how to make him think that he is hurting my feelings and losing my trust every single time? I’ve learnt that guys rarely listen to words and that actions speaks to them louder.

Thanks in advance for Your help.

Reply August 16, 2014, 5:42 am

Caitlyn Passmore

I’m kinda going through the same thing with my boyfriend of a year. We broke up in May. The break-up was very hard on me. We are back together now and at first he was very convincing about how much he missed me and how unhappy his life was without me. On our first date we talked and I ended up blubbering my eyes out because I realized the depression of his first betrayl is still haunting me. That night he confessed that he loved me and he wanted to try to fix our relationship. On the other hand he also said he didn’t want a relationship but he didn’t want someone else to have me and we had broke up because I was too smothering and needy. I’ve accepted that and tried my hardest to back off, he has denied two more dates I have suggested since . I don’t freak when he text back later. I did get irritated that he hasn’t been returning my calls but can manage to text me and I called him out on it. Probably not a good idea but I couldn’t keep it held in. I also told him in an effort to try to smooth my mistake we could both take a two week break. Not a breakup; we are still very much dating just not communicating until our two weeks are up.

Reply July 13, 2014, 7:22 pm

chrysalis

Like he said,” Here’s the best thing you can do: Move on.”

This guy is just keeping you on a string as a “fallback girl”. He is disrespecting you when he doesn’t answer you. He just didn’t want you finding someone else, but not because he “really, really” wants you. He wants you to be one of the harem and stay in his back pocket for a rainy day.
Move on from him. Have no contact, and keep yourself busy with your friends or join a gym and find someone who is worthy of you.

Reply July 29, 2014, 10:28 am

Angel

my now ex-bf had change of heart and dumped me in middle of NM. but he lied to me about 20 things . fakes a panic attack. then just abandons me . he has some of my things it been about 3 weeks since we broke up and still won’t give me my things back. had police involved and everything and still nothing has happened. also been attacked people who don’t know me or what happened. he put the whole blame on me told lies to people telling them i am not who i was etc.

Reply March 21, 2014, 10:33 am

Brittany

Ive been dating this guy for 11 months now and we had the perfect relationship in the begininng like every relationship, a few months down the road i got down on myself and got depressed he stuck around but i pushed him away, i started to talk to an old freind from high school it was nothing bad but the guy called me boo but he has always called everyone that. we talked about each others relationships and so forth, my boyfriend went through my phone one night and read that he said he missed me and we need to catch up cause its been about 2 years. and my boyfriend FLIPPED! he said i was going to cheat on him ect. and i had a close friend i went to basic training and school with and he made me stop talking to all my guy friends and cant trust me anymore, a few months after i caught him talking to a girl that wasnt appropriate and he said he was just being a wing man for his best friend so he could hook up with the girls best friend but they all live in georgia and we live in texas this was al suppose to happen when we went down to georgia for thanksgiving he was going to hangout with them and while his best friend hooked up with the other girl my boyfriend was going to sit and just “hangout” with the girl he was talking to.. and he refused to stop talking to her. so i just let it go. and he finally told her he didnt want to talk to her anymore, after thankgiving we had another situation and he was talking to this girl he had been friends with forever about him going home alone next time and then playing beer pong and whoever wins they have to kiss and he said he set me up cause he knew i would go through his phone, then the truth finally came out and he said he just wanted to know if she liked him over the years. and a few weeks ago we broke up because he was talking to one of my friends that had moved about her coming down and her staying with him and he told her all what he wanted to do to her and sent her pictures well when i found out he told me i set him up and it was all my fault and then we seperated for a week and he came back but i found out on his emails and stuff he was sending pictures to women and they were sending them back and he had dating websites and i made one to and he said if i delete all mine he would delete all his, well he still hasnt deleted his and is very protective of his phone even more now… and idk what to do.. i love him and its hard to let him go. and he doesnt want me going home with him on his 21st birthday so he can be with just his friends when there are going to be girls but the one person that “means the most” to him he doesnt want there

Reply January 2, 2013, 3:11 pm

Aj

Ive been in a serious relationship with a guy for six years, all in love talking about marriage. Says he loves me more than anything etc
I got pregnant, lived with him for awhile then moved out cause my mom pressured me too and it broke his heart. He started seeing some other girl, said he fell into a hoes trap and cheated on me. He broke it off with her and we got back together the night our daughter was born 6 months later were so happy and were sitting in his car and he says in order for us to be a stronger family he wants to put everything out on the table that we did. So I tell him some stuff then the big secret comes out that he wasnt the first guy I had sex with. It was befor him and I even talked but he had a hunch about it for years and I begged I was so sorry I was just so scared to tell. Now he won’t talk to me, says he doesn’t trust me and doesn’t want to be with me and I don’t know what to do

Reply September 12, 2012, 6:29 pm

vsweetiepie

How could he not know u were not a virgin for him, that is plain stupid if a guy does not know that, but besides u should not lie about those things that is being manipulative, u mean to say u faked your virginity with him? that is why he wont ever trust u, you both are wrong he is an idiot too have cheated on u too thats not love, trouble is that u got pregnant for the guy an at least u told him the truth after because he asked an u told him the truth so why is he being an ass now to not talk to u, forget that idiot yes, lots of women growing up their kids single handed now let him pay child support he is so stupid i hope eric replies to this too

Reply March 25, 2013, 11:46 am

katiiieanne

I’ve been seeing a guy for a month now, it is very sexual. I do believe it isn’t just the sex that he is after, though. A couple weeks ago he told me that he has a problem with prescription pills, and that he thinks he needs treatment. I’m not sure how to be supportive of him without belittling him. Eric, you talk in another post about being there for him and supportive, I’m not sure how to do that. I’m trying to let him open up when he wants to, rather than questioning him. Should I just step back, and give him space until he gets back on his feet? Last he told me, he’s a “wreck”. It sounds like he’s pretty low, and I don’t know what I can do to bring him up.

Reply October 16, 2011, 5:02 pm

Ami

What does it mean if a guy says he want’s to be “friends first?” But at the same time, notes that he thinks you’re awesome and does like talking to you. What does “friends first” even really mean?! Does he have somebody else he’s more interested in? Is it just because he has a busy career?

Reply August 1, 2011, 2:19 pm

somsomy

Eric, I must say, it is just refreshing to hear a straight-forward answer… I don’t know how many times I got upset, but I made an effort not to let it get to me; the funny thing is, I actually feel myself getting needy. Any advice on how to quell the urge to pester and nag? lol
Also, (this may be slightly off-topic/a different blog post) what happens if the guy you like is also on the same work/school environment?
Here’s my situation: we’re both in grad school, but different programs but its a small campus, we share the same library & dormitory. But, since its grad school, there are business/professional contacts that we make on campus. One day, I was speaking with a prof contact (after being blown off by him the previous night) and he interrupts, and apologizes (though he didn’t seem to really care), and my contact is walking away so I run to catch up with her. When I do, she refers to people in his program as self-involved. I sorta just make an excuse for him and try to get back on topic.
Later, I ran into him again and explain what had happened (and I really tried not to be angry, but I was really steamed) He emailed me some apology before summer break…. but now what? I haven’t written him back and I have been acting like the “sure-thing” this entire time…. Iguess what I’m asking is is this going anywhere?

Reply June 7, 2011, 8:17 pm

girlie one

your answer makes it sound like people should never be in a relationship unless its to get something. I thought relationships were about wanting to be with someone, someone you can’t be without you say its about a guy being in a relationship to gain something… and its all about freedom..

Reply May 11, 2011, 12:12 pm

Eric Charles

@Aroxy – Thank you, I appreciate you saying that. I have to strike a balance when I’m answering the questions because I want what I write to be helpful to women, but sometimes that means being blunt and delivering bad news. Tough love.

Reply May 4, 2011, 3:25 pm

Chrysalis

Amen!

Reply May 4, 2011, 1:06 pm

Aroxy

I love that you are so blunt in your answers. Personally, it’s exactly what I need. I need to hear the truth from a guy who is willing to be completely blunt and honest, because most other guys (friends, co-workers, and such) will not for fear of hurting my feelings or making me angry. It’s refreshing to find someone who is wiling to tell women what they should know, rather than what they want to hear. Thank you and keep up the good work!

Reply May 4, 2011, 12:25 pm

Nita

Take Eric’s advice. I was in similar situation 18 months ago with somone who had only recently split from a long term partner who i worked with! Initially fab, it quickly became awful and hard tho it was, i did go my own way. Had fun dating, nights on my own enjoying my own company and bored my friends initially talking about him all the time but i got on with it..whatever gets you thro. I learnt a lot. He kept in touch on and off and then after almost a year and dating lots of others he came back. He had to work hard, i was dating two guys, each suited me in a different way but i really i wanted the ‘whole package’. And i got it…eventually. It’s worth working at and it’s worth waiting for and most of all it’s worth remembering that you need to be happy with yourself first before you even stand a chance of real happiness with someone else. Sorry to preach but i really do know where you are coming from. Good luck with getting on with your life.

Reply May 3, 2011, 9:00 am

Katie

Hi Eric,

I agree with your view point on the human psychology, yes, people will always want the things that they cannot have.

And I am convinced as long as you play your card right, you will probably be able to string along this guy for as long as you like.

My question is, then what next?

I mean for any matured relationship, there bound to be a point where you start to show your weakness but also to open up to each other. What happens then to this guy? Would he run away again because the cat has got his milk? or there is a possibility of something meaningful would be developed between you and him?

I think for majority of the women out there, they are looking for a loving partner who would support and love each other, rather than treating the dating as a game of scoring how long you can string along a guy in a relationship by not showing your commitment to the other person?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on that.

Thanks

Reply May 3, 2011, 7:41 am

Jayasree

hi.. my boyfriend and me seeing each other for 3 years. at first as usual he was the one who used to text or call me first. we used to talk till midnyt nd sometimes whole night also. but i always fell sleep. dat time nd all he got very angry, nd saying he always wanted to be wid me. nd if i didnt reply him back , he felt like something happened to me. but day by day, he started to fall asleep nd sometimes he didnt even pick my calls. but it was ok since we often saw each other nd everything will be alright. but he and me being apart. he is workind now. i knw dat job is full of stress coz he is having night shift . since i cant see him now , i want to see him more. i really miss him a lot. but i dont think so he feels the same way. he barely reply my calls or texts. i know he has this mindset to earn more. but he should also make some space for me. when he does reply me, he speaks to me very nicely as he always do.. but if i call or text him after , he wont respond. its like when he needs me i am always there. but when i need him he wont be there always . but i should understand his situation. the fact is i am really not understand it. i know he really loves me. but i feel alone now.what sould i do to overcome my loneliness?

Reply May 3, 2011, 3:19 am

Sara

Dear, remember that YOU DESERVE A PHONE CALL. Get your own way and ENJOY YOUR OWN LIFE. Maybe, he isn’t that into you or maybe he has gone into his cave to refresh himself for a serious love and even commitment, who knows. wait and see, but don’t forget if a man really loves you, no one can’t stop him to get you, let alone to make a phone call. YOU DESERVE THE BEST, THIS IS LOVE.

Reply March 23, 2012, 7:13 am

Chrysalis

Again, great advice!

If she follows your advice, she’ll find she’s the one that will get to choose from a better selection of candidates. Join a cool martial arts class or something that you find interesting. Pretty soon she’ll be glad she didn’t stick around for what’s his name. ;)

Reply April 26, 2011, 8:01 pm

Devon Brown

It definitely sounds to me as if this guy discovered that there are other women out there who he can attract and wants to keep his options open. I don’t think this has as much with you as it does with the fact that now he can date whomever he wants when he couldn’t previously due to his relationship.
It is not that he is relationship-shy. That thought is you trying hard to justify his behavior. And the trip doesn’t make much of a difference to anything. It didn’t get “too real” for him on the trip. But people do act differently in groups than they do one-on-one. He probably was putting on a bit of a show for all of your mutual friends. But he may also be feeling a little pressured by you. Lay off of him for a while.
I like Eric’s advice about doing things for yourself and moving on. Definitely a healthy way to handle things.

- Devon

Reply April 26, 2011, 6:37 pm

Leave a Comment