I don’t know if it’s my personality or what not, I tend to nitpick a lot with my boyfriends, either because I really am like that or because they are not ideal for me. This was a big problem in my last relationship, which ended really badly. After, I told myself that I would never get into another relationship where I end up nit-picking or feeling unsure of whether or not I should be with him. Anyway, I’ve been seeing this new guy who really loves me and is the epitome of an ideal boyfriend. BUT,- there always has to be a catch- there are certain things I don’t like about him. I think I can overlook it, but I am extremely scared that we will end up badly just like my past relationships because I can still find things I don’t like about him. So what should I do? Do you think I have emotional baggage? I don’t want to break it off because I love him, but I am thinking, should I find someone that I can’t nitpick with so I will never be this confused?
Read out guy’s response after the jump!
Well, nobody’s perfect.
If he’s made promises to you and then doesn’t keep them, then that’s a legitimate reason to be upset. If he is just being himself and you don’t like it, then I would say you need to do some examination.
Criticizing other people is easy. I mean, when you criticize someone, you get to take the position of blamelessness and superiority. Or at least, that’s how it can feel.
The truth is that you chose the other person. You are responsible for your choice. You are responsible for being in the relationship – nobody is forcing you to be there.
I believe that nitpicking can happen for a number of reasons. Sometimes people end up just falling into relationships that play out what they saw in their parents relationships. Sometimes people watch a bunch of TV shows about crappy relationships and then subconsciously play out those roles in real life. Sometimes people blame the other person for being imperfect in a relationship to take the focus off of their own shortcomings in the relationship. And sometimes it’s because the nit-picker is highly critical of himself/herself, and they just project that behavior out onto the other person.
It’s a funny thing too. When someone nit-picks, it can be a way of not fully committing to the other person.
For example, if you believe that a guy is perfect, then that means that you need to be perfect too. And that’s a lot of pressure. But if you look for ways that the guy isn’t perfect, then it means it’s OK for you to be imperfect too. And if the relationship doesn’t work out, well, he wasn’t perfect anyway.
To put it differently, it’s a way to protect yourself from risking disappointment if it doesn’t work out. If you’re disappointed the whole time, then you won’t be disappointed if it ends, right?
Meanwhile, thinking like this absolves you from any responsibility to be your best during the relationship since the other person wasn’t “good enough” in the first place. “Why should I do this for him, he doesn’t even do X,Y and Z.” If you maintain this type of thinking throughout your relationships, nobody will ever be good enough.
The fact is, the nit-picking behavior is poison to relationships. Guys and girls both do it; I’ve done it, I’ve had it done to me.
When left unchecked, it can leave the person on the receiving end with the feeling that they can never make you happy. And when someone thinks that they can’t make you happy, they give up. Not trying is a lot less painful than trying and being rejected. Actually, when a guy truly feels that he can’t make his woman happy, he’ll leave. Not right away, but eventually.
On the other hand, acknowledgment goes a long way with guys. It’s my belief that men generally feel unappreciated. We’d never say it straight-out, but see for yourself: Try specifically complimenting/acknowledging your guy for something that he worked at and did well. See for yourself how he responds.
Generally speaking, if you focus on the good stuff and acknowledge it, you will find that you get a lot more of it. On the other hand, if you focus on things you don’t like, you will find more and more that you don’t like. Even worse, you will dry up their motivation to do their best in the relationship.
- eric charles