Ask a Guy: We’re Dating, But He Still Checks Match.com post image

Ask a Guy: We’re Dating, But He Still Checks Match.com


I’ve been dating a guy for a month, we slept together recently and said we’d be exclusive. However, he still goes on match.com (this is how we met). I don’t know that he is necessarily doing anything bad, maybe just chatting with women to stroke his ego… but it bothers me that he’s doing it .

I know I am being sneaky/snoopy by checking up on him to see how often her goes on the site (and he goes on often!), but I am looking out for myself. It’s not like I’d call this guy my boyfriend already, I know it’s still early… but what’s your opinion?

Is this guy bad news or should I just relax and be fine with the fact that he still logs on to match.com at this point?

Distrust is a slippery slope.

The fact of the matter is, you will never, ever know what the other person is doing at all times. In this case, you know he goes on match.com because you can see it. But since the beginning of time, men and women have had to learn to trust one another in their relationship.

I can tell you from personal experience that this was a skill I needed to learn. In my past, there have been times when even though the relationship was good, my insecurity would eat away at me. I would think things like, “Well, things seem good, but what if she’s doing something behind my back and playing me for a fool, etc. etc.” This type of thing has a lot more to do with  our own personal insecurities and not so much with what the other person is or isn’t doing.

A problem with suspicion and snooping is: the more you fear and suspect, the more that fear and suspicion eats away at you and creates more fears and suspicions!

This creates a vicious cycle that destroys trust in the relationship and ultimately causes a problem where there was none.

Trust is very hard. But he hasn’t given you a reason to distrust him yet.

You have to remember that you don’t know his full story yet. At this moment, you are reading into the situation negatively, assuming that he has bad motives or could be playing you. There are thousands of possible scenarios that could be happening, most of them being neutral and some even positive.

I think that if you don’t make an issue of it, the relationship will have the opportunity to flourish and grow. Don’t waste your energy on bracing yourself for the bad and spying on him – focus instead on being an amazing girlfriend and on spending great quality time with him.

Yes, it’s scary. Yes, sometimes things don’t work out, trust gets broken and/or people get hurt. But that is the game of life and love – if you’re going to play at all, go all in.

Hope it helps,

-eric charles

{ 44 comments… add one }

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Beth

Justme – no, don’t be so stupid! If the guy looks at your profile, you get a notification. Seriously, grow up! The guy is playing around online because he doesn’t see you as serious and if you let it continue, you lose your own self respect – much more important than him (he will dump you when he meets someone he prefers).

Reply October 16, 2014, 3:26 pm

Ella

He’s looking for something better. The advice in this article is terrible. If I was seeing a guy and I found out he was using dating sites… I’d dump him. His actions are speaking louder than words. He wants something better, or someone else.

Reply October 27, 2014, 7:40 am

Lena

I’m in a slightly different situation. My guy and I were only seeing where things were going and he hadn’t logged in the website we met for a month already, but he had other profiles I knew about, I noticed he wasn’t logging into them either, but one night out of nowhere I decided to make a search for him on a totally different website, and lo and behold, there he was, he had created a brand new profile, a very well done profile at that. I felt so so sad, though we hadn’t had the “exclusivity” talk yet, it felt bad to see him do that since I had stopped looking for someone some time ago. Since that moment I knew I had to break contact with him since we were not on the same page. I told him the reason why and what I had done and he didn’t try to deny anything, he was very straight forward about it and said he thought we were still looking, he was under the impression I was still looking as well. When I informed him I wasn’t he felt really bad and decided to remove his profiles, I told him he didn’t have to (mostly because I was determined to end it all anyway, I didn’t see the point), but he said I was too important for him to lose me over some dumb online profiles. I honestly don’t feel very trustful about it all, but I must accept that we hadn’t agreed on any terms before this talk. He decided on his own that we should be exclusive and not look anymore, I didn’t push the issue to be honest because I was so disappointed over all that I honestly didn’t care at that point if we kept seeing each other or not, but he seemed determined so I gave him a chance.
I have felt tempted a couple of times to search for him on dating websites to see if he’s back on them or not, but I have stopped myself from doing so because it wouldn’t be fair to him or me at the end. I will have to trust his decision, and if I ever feel like my mistrust of him is too big to continue, I will let him know and I will break it off, just like I had intended the first time. The issue at the end was mostly mine, I invested myself too much on a relationship that didn’t have firm ground, now, if we had agreed on being exclusive before finding out about the new profile I would’ve NOT stayed with him, no matter what he said. If he agreed to exclusivity and he’s still on dating websites, that’s cheating, doesn’t matter the reason. If for any reason I do a search some time from now and I find him anywhere near a dating website, I’m gone, no explanations this time. This dating scene nowadays is tough , it is tempting not only to look around for other people because dating websites are just a click away, but snooping is easier as well, and very tempting. I wish you all luck out there, be smart.

Reply May 31, 2014, 1:49 pm

Ella

Why did you let him talk you into staying with him? Your gut instinct was right. You will always be wondering in the back of your mind if he’s created new online profiles. Life is too short to waste on second best relationships. I would rather be single.

Reply October 27, 2014, 7:45 am

Susan DeFrance

I my name is susan like to call sue. I need to start looking for a honest guy. Iam 49 year old. Have four grow up children. Iam single. Was engaged to a man but he been cheating on me, please need to leave and start anew life, i lost myhusband in2011. Now my life is tore up.

Reply April 16, 2014, 2:03 pm

Confused

I wish I could find an article more recent in regards to this topic. I’m having a similar issue and don’t know how to address it. I myself have been dating a guy for a little over a month. We’ve never talked about taking down our profiles, but I took mine down and he hid his. Well, curiosity killed the cat, so I created a fake profile and though his was hidden, there are ways to search and find it regardless. Needless to say, I was relieved that he hadn’t been online in quite some time. However, that didn’t last. I realized he accessed his account and kept mum. Then a few weeks later and I looked and again, he hadn’t accessed it. Well, just today I looked and he’d accessed it just today. Granted we’re NOT exclusive though we’ve introduced our children to each other and we’ve both said we’re excited to see where this can go. I suppose my issue is that his profile IS hidden therefore does not show up in any searches, so why is he accessing his account? To me, it’s obvious…he’s seeing what else is out there. If HE emails someone, they then have access to his profile and it can go from there. I guess I just don’t know if I’m blowing things out of proportion and I hate being the one that has so much distrust, BUT that’s a conversation he and I JUST had last week. That’s one of his biggest insecurities…trust issues. SO, why would he go and do something that would make me doubt him. Let alone make me feel like he is keeping me around until he finds something better. To make matters worse, we’ve brought our children into it. I know I can talk to him about it, but I just don’t know if I’d believe what he has to say…sigh…

Reply October 29, 2013, 7:32 pm

Ella

You know the answer already. If you were your own best friend, what advice would you give yourself. Your gut instinct is right. That’s why you’re on this page. Value yourself and find someone who wants you and no one else.

Reply October 27, 2014, 7:49 am

Moops

I disagree with the advice in this article. The guy HAS given her a reason to distrust him. He offered exclusivity, yet actively participates in an online dating community. (and logging on IS participating.) Then we use negative words to describe what the woman is doing (“snooping”?) When a person last logged in is public information. So if a possible “Match” checks his profile and sees all the info on it–including last log in, that’s fine because that’s what he’s there for..but if the woman he’s sleeping with and is supposed to be exclusive with checks, she’s “snooping”?? That’s a bit backwards. Then Mr. Charles advises that instead of giving him a hard time about it, she ignore the problems and instead focus on being an “amazing girlfriend”? lol. How transparent is that. The real irony here is that fast forward a year down the road, this woman gets burned badly and has wasted a whole year of her life, and then she will be told that she should’ve seen the warning signs early on and “should’ve known better.”

If a man is still browsing a dating site, he’s keeping his options open. Plain and simple. Don’t let yourself be duped.

Reply July 10, 2013, 11:15 am

hannah

Totally agree with you Moops. Well said. Trust is very hard and someone should give you reasons to trust!

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:58 am

roucancat

I agree with you Moops. I had been dating this guy I met online for 4 months. after the first month, we decided to be exclusive. I told him I was taking down my match account. He said he would also. Not only did he not do that, he joined pof and meet me! I decided to still give him the benefit of the doubt. We would go out, we were getting closer, then thank god I was “Snooping”, one day and I saw he actually uploaded new photos! When I called him out on it he said I was the one who was insecure and he couldn’t handle my insecurities. Really? He then proceeded to be smug and said “I hope you find what you’re looking for”? Yes he really said that! I said he was the one who was searching. and why did he update his profile? His answer was “One of my friends wanted to see new pics of my weight loss”? Girls, stop the madness! If your gut tells you the guy you’re dating is a big fat pig, literally and figuratively, He is! I was honest with myself and realized I was only with him because I was lonely, and it is so hard to meet someone nice, but I was doing myself a disservice. Still trying to find the one…

Reply July 22, 2013, 10:03 am

supert

totally agree with Moops!! This very thing happened to me. Wasted an entire year on this man. Gave him the benefit of the doubt in the name of trust and it was a bad decision. Now I not only wasted a year but have spent six months trying to recover emotionally and am going back into the dating scene with less trust. If he is logging in…… he is looking or communicating and the bottom line is… you will never be able to trust him completely because this will always be in the back of your mind. Besides.. you deserve better!!! Keep looking!

Reply June 19, 2014, 11:04 pm

Kelly

Totally agree Moops! The advice that was given in this article was HORRIBLE!!

Reply July 21, 2014, 1:30 pm

Ella

A truly excellent reply. This article seems to expose a type of man that is rotten to the core and is capable of using women without any conscience. I’ve just been chatting to a man on Okcupid who’s relationship status was ‘seeing someone’. The whole interaction left me feeling sick to my stomach.

Reply October 27, 2014, 7:53 am

Sammy

I met someone in my home area on an online dating site. We have gone out 3 times in two weeks, and have several dates already arranged for the coming week. We are both divorced and he has a child almost every weekend, so we typically do not see each other from Friday to Monday night. I took my profile off the site because I believe it leads to hurt feelings and in my little mind, why make him not trust me. What I did was set up a bogus account and I can see he is on the site each day, even after we have gone out. He is on and off the site daily. There are times I have been on the phone with him or in the midst of sending a text back and forth when he is on the site. Obviously I am too, but I’m not looking at anyone except him. LOL
The dates are great, and no I am not sleeping with him, yet…I don’t want to go there for now. I really want to find out why men do this? If they meet someone and apparently things are going well, so what is up with men who need to see or chat with other women? Oh, and today I told him I deleted my account because I don’t want to concentrate on the men who are writing to me, that I want to focus on getting to know him better. He seemed surprised, and said, “oh really.” He said it in a manner that I was not sure if it was a question. It was after telling him this that he asked me if I can go out with him on several days for the coming week.
So what is up with men you meet online and how they still log in and show chat venue open.
Thanks, Sammy

Reply February 9, 2013, 10:45 pm

lookin4luv22

I have been going through a similar situation and would really appreciate the feedback on here. Im 24 yrs old and im very attractive and have never been in a real relationship and crave that part of my life with someone special. I have been on the online dating scene for 3 yrs and have been on sooooooo many dates and havent found anyone who I am remotely interested in until 3 and a half months ago. When it comes to me and dating I think I have the worst luck and i cant even get past the 3rd date with someone so I am always walking on pins and needles each time. But here is my situation:

Met this guy who is 36 yrs old on “match” and he took me out to all these expensive restaurants and showered me like a princess. He first told me that he wasnt looking for anything super super serious and i said well lets take it slow and see where it leads to. He was always treating me like i was his gf and i met one of his close friends and he took me and my sis and his friend out for dinner. I never had any guy treat me like that. This guy always mentions me to his neighbors and friends but we dont have a label on it. He also talks about personal stuff with him and his whole family and i really thought we were connecting. I also attempted to lose my virginity to him. I never told him i was a virgin the whole time and then it just came out and he was at first mad but then he understood where i was coming from and i kept asking him if he was ok with me not being experienced and he said he was. But always in the back of my mind it has been bothering me that i am inexperienced because he has been around the block and would leave me for someone who is great in the bedroom. I am alsooo very very shy around him because i like him sooo much and i feel sooo out of place even when doing stuff in the bedroom. I just cant seem to snap out of being scared and shy when im with him.

Recently i just went on match and saw he was active within 24 hrs and im like wtfff. I feel sooo played but i dont wanna jump to conclusions and he hasnt contacted me in 2 days and im feeling like he wants to find someone who is way more experienced than i am. But the thing is we really connected and I dont think anyone can come close. Its sooo strange cause we started hanging out together 4-5 times a week recently and he just cant stop staring at me at every moment wen im with him. Im sooo scared to lose this guy and dont know what to think right now. All my friends that I ask think he is playing me and i dont know if i should even listen to anyone because everyone can have their different reasons. Im really falling for this guy and I never ever pressure him on anything cause i know men dont like to be pressured so i kind of take each day as it comes.

Eric Charles if you can give me ur intake on this i would appreciate it.

Reply January 22, 2013, 7:05 pm

stylerose

Yes, suspicion can destroy a relationship if it is unfounded. But sometimes suspicion is justified. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck , it’s usually a DUCK, not a chicken or a horse or a cat. This is how a lot of us get hurt, by not accepting the truth that’s in front of our faces. It’s called “reality”. It’s like the old joke where a wife walks in on her husband with another woman and he tells his wife, “It wasn’t me you saw” and she accepts that. Hana, this guy is looking around while enjoying you and wonderful qualities. It’s called, “having your cake and eating it, too”. Run!

Reply October 18, 2012, 11:52 am

jexy22

While it’s true, Camba, that glitches happen and profiles can be created by scammers, those are usually the sex dating sites,etc….Match and eHarmony screen pretty well, and if a guy has an active profile on a site like one of those, it usually (and I would say 99.9% of the time) means he has an active profile! A girlfriend (or boyfriend) can usually tell it the profile is real in any number of ways – if the profile has exact details about height and weight, the writing style that was used, etc…..It’s just a temptation many men can’t avoid and usually a big clue about what’s going on in the mind of the person who is still active on a dating site while dating and sleeping with someone else – he’s still shopping around, basically. This girl is just going to get hurt. She should leave the guy ASAP.

Reply October 18, 2012, 11:46 am

CAMBA

you could be experiencing something similar to what ive experienced before. sites and programs have glitches, bots, or hackers/trolls. ive literally in the past found dating profiles that i have never created using my pictures and details to create profile counts or other uses. other times a site will say i was online while i wasnt on it. literally had one fight with an ex that calling me claiming im online on the dating site where we met and i was im my car driving, yet alone i dont have a smart phone with internet abilities. if you are looking for a issue, you will find it.

Reply October 17, 2012, 3:09 pm

theshoediva

The majority of these guys that get on these dating sites (especially Match) never get off. Bottomline. Many of them are not serious and they are addicted to Match and other dating sites. I realized after 4 months of being on Match that this was not the venue to use to meet someone if you are interested in a serious long-term relationship. At some point they are going to get back on. It’s like crack to a crackhead. Women would be better off meeting a guy in a traditional setting (through work, a friend, museum, whatever). You are constantly going to have a problem with these guys wanted to get back on these sites to look for the ‘next best thing’. I’m almost starting to think it is a sickness and that they need some kind of therapy or rehab.

Reply October 12, 2012, 4:01 pm

henga

you are 1999999999999% right!! i agree!! online dating is a sickness and they need therapy or rehab. .
this is soooo sad..

Reply September 12, 2013, 11:39 pm

tt

N-G.I.G. Syndrome … Newness- Grass is Greener Syndrome. An addiction to online dating, even if you have a significant other.. always getting a rise from the fantasy of what life would be like with someone new, addictively contacting daters in order to get the rush of a new interest and the ego boost of someone interested in you… all while having a significant other.. and while neglecting the hard work of maintaining and growing a real love relationship in favor the the addictive rush of a new relationship and an addictive rush to the fantasy of a new person.

Reply March 25, 2014, 3:18 am

Ana

Sorry, but I disagree. If a man still keeps his profile up after becoming intimate with you he’s hedging his bets. Before becoming intimate, demand exclusivity, which also means get off of all dating sites – and let him know that you will check periodically to make sure he does.

Reply September 4, 2012, 3:13 pm

janie410

Sorry, but he HAS given this girl a reason to distrust him. If two people are dating and sleeping together, unless they’ve had a discussion that it’s okay to go on dating sites, it is simply, wrong. This same thing happened to me – met a guy on eHarmony. Within a month we felt pretty serious about each other and I asked him if we could agree to be exclusive, including unsubscribing to any dating sites. He agreed completely. But 4 months later, I found out he was still on eHarmony but told me he was just on there for fun, changing some information but not conversing with anyone. Two months later he was on Match.com. Two years later I found out he was still filling out profiles. I’ll never know if he went out with or slept with anyone. If he couldn’t be honest about the sites, what would make me think he’d be honest about anything else? By then, I was a mess. He had lied for two years and that is a very long time to be with someone. My point is, if he will lie (or “hide” things – a lie of omission) in the beginning, there is a very good chance he will lie throughout the relationship. Please move on, for the good of your mind and heart. There are plenty of men out there who won’t disrespect you like this.

Reply July 27, 2012, 11:21 pm

Dan

This article is spot on. Every single time I’ve second guessed my partner’s motives, it’s always led to us not working out. It was never because of her, it was simply because the suspicion kept eating away at me until I brought it up. This immediately sends her the message that I don’t trust her and I lack confidence, two very crucial steps in the wrong direction.

As of now, my “match” still gets on often despite us going out many times. Rather than saying anything, I simply ignore it. So far, it’s working out great and our dates only get better and better. Be the bigger man/woman and don’t let jealously take over your confidence and trust in your partner. There’s always a risk of you being hurt, but with constant fear – you’re only hurting yourself.

Reply June 20, 2012, 8:38 pm

Hana

Thank you so much I really needed to see and hear this, and the fact that it came from a man makes it so much more official for me to do exactly as you said and the article said. Suspension is definitely an ugly thing, and it will eat you up if you don’t ignore it. THANK YOU!

Reply September 30, 2012, 10:48 am

Tammy

Hello Hana, I’m a little late but I’ll describe my story (which is similar to most). When dating online it is imperative you remain open and honest. I met a handsome guy on pof.com before the holidays and then Boom, we hit it off. We BOTH made a conscious decision to delete our profiles and be exclusive. I deleted mine, his remained but he didn’t visit (but didn’t delete it). I’m a very spiritual person. I kept feeling this uneasiness about him. I created a dummy account and realized he was back on pof ‘still looking’! If we were only dating then it’s open season. If a couple make a conscious decision to delete profiles to work on their relationship and one doesn’t….there’s deception. I believe the other party may have not been satisfied, or only viewed you as a option ‘at the time’. That is a very unsettling way to feel. I WILL NOT encourage anyone to remain in any relationship if their conscious is uneasy about their mate. You’re just setting yourself to be hurt! I left the relationship and didn’t look back and I”m glad I did!

Reply April 5, 2013, 2:58 am

Thoughtthiswasreal

My boyfriend and I have been going out for more than a year and we met on meet me. He asked me out and we were together ever since. I deleted my account and I asked him to delete him, which he said he did. However, I was feeling something was going on that I did not know about and so I checked his email (which i should not have done) and I saw some messages that were from meet me. However, it was not from his real account. He had created a fake one. It still has all of his pictures. I logged on to it because he gave me his passwords to things and I figured it was the same one. He only talks to girls on there; however, there is nothing like they are meeting up or hooking up at all. He will say hey and talk for about five minutes and then the convo is done. I stopped checking his personal accounts and email after we got in a big fight about whether he was cheating on me or not. (I never felt right about checking it anyway). I got on my friends about a week ago and it said he hadn’t been on for 16 days. I thought it was great because he must have stopped after our convo. However, i checked again today if he had been on, and it said he had three days ago. I am not one to stay in relationships where i am not the main focus, but over a year? That is so many invest feelings. I have no idea what to do.

Reply November 21, 2013, 5:25 pm

Lawrence

hello Eric, i’m a guy,i’v never been in a relationship before. I av seen girls stayed with girlr bu av never been pushed to love any,the only reason is that i’v not seen a girl of my taste. I av friends who always text me i do reply but not with love, i want to ask wat will i do to love someone, and if you can give me the match.com site so that i can av a friend and love like others.

Reply September 22, 2011, 8:53 am

hope

eric,

i just wanted to say thank you so much for this site! you’re insights are invaluable and given with such a fine mix of compassion, directness, clarity and insight. really, i can’t believe i have this as a resource, i’m so lucky!

i’ve been reading over all the questions and your answers resonate with me and put me at ease in every situation. and it’s great that i can take something from each convo even if technically they don’t match a question i might have it seems like there is always one through-line: we are responsible for creating our own happiness and security, we are responsible for managing our own fears, what we focus on we create, and not to waste time worrying about controlling people or trying to protect ourselves from every “sharp object”, because it’s a complete waste of time and life energy. we can only know and have confidence in ourselves that we will heal if we fall and that in the process we’ll learn valuable bits of information to take with us forward on our new adventures.

i am glad you were inspired to share and contribute in this way. reading today reminded me of all the values i am beginning to solidify in my life, and at a time when i felt a little shaky, and a little scared.

and for that i am very appreciative.

thanks again!
hope

Reply September 14, 2011, 3:41 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Hope,
.
Thanks so much, I really appreciated your comment. And yes, you definitely get the core message that I’m driving at.
.
I hope you’re on the ANM Dating List because I give away all my best stuff on there (for free, just like here).

Reply September 14, 2011, 5:50 pm

Ana

I just received an update to this email and reread the original posting and Eric’s response. Maybe I’m old fashioned (I am in my 50s after all) but have women become so desperate that we’re willing to accept unacceptable behavior or get intimate with someone without any clear idea of what the relationship actually is or without any preconditions? Has dating become so distorted that we don’t even know what’s acceptable behavior anymore? The original poster stated that she slept with someone without any clear idea of what their relationship actually was before doing so ( Quote – it’s not like I’d call this guy my boyfriend already), yet is upset that her sexual partner (that’s all he really is ) is still looking for dates somewhere else. Let’s be honest here; if he’s on a dating site he is still looking. I don’t blame the guy in this instance, but the girl for jumping into bed with someone without any clear idea of what each person expected from the relationship.

Reply September 30, 2012, 12:42 pm

C

I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been dating a guy for a couple of months and we are sleeping together (safely). We live in different cities but have seen each other almost every weekend except two. I go round, we hang out with his housemates (2 guys and a girl), he’ll cook me dinner and we’ll all go on a night out together or if it’s in the day, watch movies (we’ve only had rainy days so far). The last time I went round he had a close friend from home staying for a week (he’s from the states) but still wanted me to come over. This friend since added me on facebook and so has his housemate. We all went to his friend’s houseparty and we were holding hands and he even wanted me to sit on his lap because there weren’t enough chairs whilst we were there. He was also kissing me in front of them too. Now I discovered by accident that he’s on a dating website a few weeks ago. We were on his laptop and I was on youtube. He went downstairs and I was just looking at songs. I managed to close the tab I was on by mistake and when I opened what I thought was the right one I found it was his dating website profile. I clicked off and didn’t mention it. However I knew of the website and I was able to see his profile when I got home. He still checks his profile each day but not multiple times per day. Unfortunately i’m a bit of a worrier and now i’m worried about what his motives are. He’s always the one who asks when i’m free to meet up but unlike at the start i’m often the one who texts first and although he always replies the texts are much less frequent and he takes much longer to reply. Now I know guys are prone to do this once they’ve “got” a girl as it were. We haven’t had a discussion about exclusivity but should I be worried? I don’t want to ask that question too soon for fear of scaring him off but I haven’t got much dating experience so I’m unsure as to what I should do. Any advice welcome thanks!

Reply June 20, 2011, 10:46 am

C

I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been dating a guy for a couple of months and we are sleeping together (safely). We live in different cities but have seen each other almost every weekend except two. I go round, we hang out with his housemates (2 guys and a girl), he’ll cook me dinner and we’ll all go on a night out. The last time I went round he had a friend staying for a week (he’s from the states) but still wanted me to come over. We all went to his friend’s houseparty and we were holding hands and he even wanted me to sit on his lap because there weren’t enough chairs whilst we were there. He was also kissing me in front of them too.

Reply June 20, 2011, 10:36 am

Eric Charles

I agree with what E said.

Reply May 24, 2011, 9:24 pm

E

I understand what this girl is going through. I’m going through something similar right now. If you’re not in a serious relationship, what he is doing doesn’t constitute as cheating, but I can understand if you feel like he isn’t really interested in you. He may be looking to see if you’re on, or might be going on there, but not messaging anyone, or using the forums just to chat with people (of all genders), or even going on there to read messages girls send to get an ego boost (keep in mind, most of the time, it’s the man who messages first, so he may not get these often). Whatever he is doing isn’t really your business, though. Unless he lies to you and says he never goes on there, don’t make a big deal out of it. Also, it can all backfire on you. If you tell him you see that he is on, he may get mad and call you paranoid and assume that you’re going to be snooping around all the time. So just ask him if he still goes on, if he says no, he’s lying, but if he says yes, this can lead to an important conversation. If you’re having unprotected sex, consider using protection or just ceasing all sexual activity until he can stop being suspicious. I also suggest getting yourself tested.

Reply May 24, 2011, 4:29 pm

evedismay

i have a very similar situation, except mine doesnt check it often..i met him online we went ona first date and it was grreat, then he took me on a weekend trip and we reallly conncted and he said so too, and i didnt see him for 2 weeks because he said hes planning another trip with me, i met his closest friends already, but i saw that he was active within the last days , and i think we might get intimate sometime soon but i dont want to give it my all and then be left alone and used,im really quite confused..

Reply February 6, 2011, 4:41 am

kissingcassandra

I don’t think V is being negative at all. The fact of the matter is this kind of thing is a real life concern, not just for fear of being played but for your health and safety. While I feel it’s important to “expect the best” out of people, I also think you have to respect when certain things raise a red flag.

I think it’s a completely reasonable concern, for both parties. Since you met on the same website why not just be up front and come from a place of “reason” and parity i.e. “Hey, listen, I was wondering if I should take down my match.com profile but I still see you have yours up. Since we agreed to be exclusive, how do you feel about this? ”

Relax and be willing to accept the truth whatever it may be. If you leave the question open ended he has room to answer whichever way while knowing that you were simply considering what do with yours. It’s unrealistic to pretend, no matter how independent we all are, that situations like these resolve through responsiveness between parties. I don’t believe it’s a sign of neediness or dependency to ask the question since it clarifies what is already an agreed upon understanding i.e. exclusivity. Assuming it wasn’t set as a condition for intimacy.

If anything, it will clarify what this term means for each of you..as your understanding of it may be different from his. I agree with Eric that at the end of the day we never really completely know our partners, but it doesn’t mean that the effort to offer some transparency shouldn’t be made.

Reply October 29, 2010, 2:30 am

V

I am sorry to be negative here, but I dated a guy for three months that I met online…I noticed that his profile was still active and often he was checking it daily…I wanted to trust him so I did…I confronted him about it, but said that I trusted him and wanted him to take his profile down because he wanted to, not because I asked him to. Guess what? I found out he was dating multiple people (yes, and sleeping with all of us), all from the online dating site. He was a world class liar. Looking back, I think if someone is active on an online dating site, while he is dating you, he is probably a player. Be careful!!

Reply October 5, 2010, 4:03 pm

L

Wow how did you find out he was sleeping with multiple people?? This guy I’m dating logs in around 4 times a day…. Ahhhh and he wants exclusivity!

Reply October 20, 2011, 1:44 pm

Tammy

V, you’re absolutely correct. Most guys that are ‘players’ in the real world are whores online. I have a few bad experiences in the beginning of 2012. The comment before was about a guy I met in the latter part of 2012. I met this other guy while on blackpeoplemeet. It was my first time online and I honestly thought he was ‘the one’! Yet, there were many red flags! I’ll mention those later but he would basically feed off of whatever naive answers I gave. Meaning he would wait for my response to see what card he would pull out of his hat next…..GAME PLAYER! After I invited him to my home and he seen how nice it was, the horns started to emerge from his head. Red flags: he wanted me to put his needs before my kids, he wanted me to give him a monthly allowance because he wouldn’t be able to work his weekend job and asked if I was ok with him recouping the loss of funds from me. He demanded I give him $5,000 because he had pressing car needs, needed new furniture and a new laptop. This fool also stated he wanted my mind, soul, body, money & property. Needless to say, I dropped him like a bad habit. I’m a single mother of 3 and this ‘bleep’ honestly thought I would take care of him literally and cater to his every whim. The dating game has changed tremendously over the years and many have ulterior motives and love not being one of them! It’s best to be apprehensive with your guard up than to be naive and let the relationship flow as if nothing is wrong when you know he’s online looking for his next conquest!

Reply April 5, 2013, 3:24 am

Anna

I would ask him. Yes you do have to have trust in a relationship but you also need honesty.

Reply June 11, 2010, 8:18 am

Eric Charles

Very good point.
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What’s actually happening might not be a bad thing, but the suspicion/distrust/fear will lead to snooping, the snooping will lead to more suspicion/distrust/fear, which will lead to more snooping, etc.
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All the meanwhile, she’ll have her guard up to him, which will deteriorate the quality of the relationship. After all, she wouldn’t want to leave herself open and be played for a fool.
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And because her energy in the relationship is now degraded, the relationship will end up being far worse than it could have been had she not gone down the path of fear/distrust.
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Again, yes, sometimes people do get taken advantage of or hurt. But it is much worse to go through life with your guard up all the time, distrusting everyone, self-provective and bracing yourself.
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Personally, I have learned that it is better to assume people are good and do good things and not to be concerned until someone has actually done something bad. The path of fear/suspicion is too much of a price to pay and I would wager that at least 90% of my fears or suspicions have been totally off-base once I figured out what was really going on.
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Bottom line, you’re never going to know the full story most of the time, so you need to find a way to live with that.

Reply March 26, 2010, 11:50 am

Hana

This is so true, I can honestly say that given this is a very hard task to do as well as keep up with. But I’m hoping that if I continue to practice this then it will just become second nature.

Reply September 30, 2012, 10:52 am

JustMe

What she doesn’t know is that he could be logging on and looking at HER photo and reading HER profile again. When I met someone very special, I did that periodically for awhile just to see his picture or double checking some of his interests for date planning.

Reply March 26, 2010, 10:26 am

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