I’ve been dating a guy for a month, we slept together recently and said we’d be exclusive. However, he still goes on match.com (this is how we met). I don’t know that he is necessarily doing anything bad, maybe just chatting with women to stroke his ego… but it bothers me that he’s doing it .
I know I am being sneaky/snoopy by checking up on him to see how often her goes on the site (and he goes on often!), but I am looking out for myself. It’s not like I’d call this guy my boyfriend already, I know it’s still early… but what’s your opinion?
Is this guy bad news or should I just relax and be fine with the fact that he still logs on to match.com at this point?
Distrust is a slippery slope.
The fact of the matter is, you will never, ever know what the other person is doing at all times. In this case, you know he goes on match.com because you can see it. But since the beginning of time, men and women have had to learn to trust one another in their relationship.
I can tell you from personal experience that this was a skill I needed to learn. In my past, there have been times when even though the relationship was good, my insecurity would eat away at me. I would think things like, “Well, things seem good, but what if she’s doing something behind my back and playing me for a fool, etc. etc.” This type of thing has a lot more to do with our own personal insecurities and not so much with what the other person is or isn’t doing.
A problem with suspicion and snooping is: the more you fear and suspect, the more that fear and suspicion eats away at you and creates more fears and suspicions!
This creates a vicious cycle that destroys trust in the relationship and ultimately causes a problem where there was none.
Trust is very hard. But he hasn’t given you a reason to distrust him yet.
You have to remember that you don’t know his full story yet. At this moment, you are reading into the situation negatively, assuming that he has bad motives or could be playing you. There are thousands of possible scenarios that could be happening, most of them being neutral and some even positive.
I think that if you don’t make an issue of it, the relationship will have the opportunity to flourish and grow. Don’t waste your energy on bracing yourself for the bad and spying on him – focus instead on being an amazing girlfriend and on spending great quality time with him.
Yes, it’s scary. Yes, sometimes things don’t work out, trust gets broken and/or people get hurt. But that is the game of life and love – if you’re going to play at all, go all in.
Hope it helps,