Ask a Guy:  Is He Crazy or Am I? post image

Ask a Guy: Is He Crazy or Am I?


I’ve been dating this guy for 8 months, the first 4 were great.  When things started to go bad between us, he claimed he needed space because there were situations/demons he was fighting, and it wasn’t fair to drag me in. However, we kept spending time together, texting, etc., just not as frequently.

He constantly tells me he is difficult, crazy and/or complicated. He says we want different things (I want to get married and have kids one day, he doesn’t want to do that again), and when he says that, I calmly tell him that I will walk away. But then he freaks out and says he can’t lose me, he doesn’t want anyone else to have me, why can’t we take our relationship one day at a time (he’s the one who constantly looks into the future, not me), I’m giving up on him, etc. He says I can see other people, but then tells me he doesn’t want me to. He is a total contradiction.

I do love him, and I would like it to work, but is he playing me? And is he crazy enough that I should run screaming, or is this something I can salvage if I’M crazy enough to try?

Here’s the problem at its core:  He believes that he is thoroughly unlovable.

In his mind, he is probably constantly tortured by the thought that he is unlovable, that no woman could really love him and that if he believes that someone loves him then he’ll be taken advantage of or hurt.

This is how he feels about himself, he is constantly wrestling with his own inner demons. Since he is struggling with himself in this way, it’s very hard for him to even relate to you at all since he can’t get free from himself (or, rather, his fears and negative beliefs about himself).

Instead of having a relationship with you, he is struggling in a relationship with himself.

As a result, he wants to constantly test you to see if you really love him.  Not because he wants to manipulate you or toy with you, but because he is so afraid and so defeated that he really can’t believe a good woman would love him.

He gives you those “outs” to see if you’ll take them.  It’s not that he wants you to leave him, it’s that he wants reassurance that you want to stay, even if he gives you every invitation and opportunity to leave him.  His thinking is that if you stay, then it will mean that you really do love him and then he will finally be at peace.

There’s a problem with this though.  When you show him love… he’ll push you away because he believes he’s so unlovable, so defective, so inherently flawed that the only way a woman would like him would be if she’s even more messed up than he is.

In other words, if he doesn’t think you love him, then it supports his belief that he’s unlovable.  And if he does somehow believe that you love him, he’ll believe that you’re somehow flawed or broken in some way because, once again, he truly believes that nobody could love him. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

The best thing that you can do is let him be.  You (by yourself) won’t be able to fix him.  You (by yourself) won’t be able to love him enough to fill his void unless he comes around and starts working on repairing that void himself. Only he can change himself.  Only he can start loving himself and believing that he can be loved.

Until he changes, your relationship to him will be at the mercy of his torturous, self-destructive beliefs.

He didn’t choose this for himself.  He doesn’t want to be this way.  But only he himself can change and make things right within himself.

So you’re not crazy… you just love someone who believes they can’t be loved.

I wish both of you good luck.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

14 comments… add one

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Natasa

OMG. I thought I was going crazy, too… O.o

Reply May 12, 2015, 8:22 am

Messed up in the head and dont know what to do

Hello
I have recently been seeing a man who is a few years younger than myself. I have a child from a previous relationship. My new man doesn’t like children as well as being on and off with being in a relationship with me due to hidden demons/issues with himself. My love for him is infinite. Am I crazy for being dedicated to him even though he has given me so many reasons to run for the hills.

Reply February 22, 2015, 10:37 pm

marsha

im just so surpise that im not alone.i didnt realize that there is lots of women that feel the same way i do about there partner.cause the ladys that i talk to about my relationship they make me feel like im crazy for staying with a guy that im unsure that he loves me.the truth is.DOWN DEEP IN SIDE I KNOW HE LOVES ME. i have lots of question about what men think an what they really mean when they say something.

Reply July 13, 2013, 11:57 am

S

This article is dead-on. And I agree with poster “Life’s Complicatingly Simple.”

My previous relationship was 2 years long, on-and-off, with a guy very similar to the one in the article! Not long after we officially got together, he told me that he’s “very difficult to love.” I was puzzled of course because I thought he was wonderful at the time. I gradually understood what he meant by that statement. “Life’s Complicatingly Simple” puts it best when she says: “Though you may want to help, the relationship will erode away at ur self esteem and cos you to question each and every ounce of your being, moral fibre and general upbringing.”

After finally ending that tumultuous relationship, it took another 2 years for me to get back into the dating scene because I was so thoroughly exhausted and wary from the whole ordeal! At least it was a great learning experience and I can now spot the red flags in my new life!

Reply April 29, 2012, 7:16 pm

Life's Complicatingly Simple

Oh wow! This has truly been an article worth the read, I wished I had stmbled upon this site sooner. I was once involved in such a relationship, for 2 long and very painful years. it just ended. November 2011 to be exact, and i tell you now, i do not ever wish this on on anyone.

Though you may want to help, the relationship will erode away at ur self esteem and cos you to question each and every ounce of your being, moral fibre and general upbringing. If you’re not a person who has a great support system of friends and family and do not get to a point where you realise that this is not the be all and end all of life, you too will be dragged into his abyss and then he’ll defintely find something wrong with you. Forgetting that his own behaviour is causing you to learn to interact in with him in a certain way.

I hope you’ve been able to get to a place wherer you are able to ‘save’ yourself. In my experience, only after we had broken up did he take a concerted effort to tackle his issues with himself, albeit it be too little too late. My point is, staying together will only entrench his belief in himself and won’t give him the kick to reassess his perspective on things.

i hope it helps, and wish you all the best, but take care of yourself first, he is a grown man after all.

Reply March 23, 2012, 5:23 am

Dorothy

I just want to thank you for this bit of advice. I think it’s spot on. I’ve been seeing someone for the past four months and it’s been amazing and breath-taking and romantic and intense, but alas, his trust issues are getting worse instead of better and his paranoia is startlingly bad. The closer we get, the more he has to push me away. I’m walking away now, but it is not easy. It’s never easy to walk away from someone when you’re in love, but I’m realizing I’ve done all I can do to make him believe my love for him. He simply doesn’t believe it’s possible and I can’t do anything about that. I thought after a couple of months, three months tops he would relax and begin to trust me more. But any time we are apart he suspects something. I can’t spend all of my free time calming his irrational fears. He needs to get better on his own. By staying I almost feel like an enabler at this point. It’s just so sad how badly some people think of themselves. I wish he saw what I saw when I looked at him, but he doesn’t.

Reply November 1, 2011, 10:50 pm

someone

Heey, this guy I like, told me he liked me a few months ago, so we have been getting closer and getting to know each other more. But the last few weeks he has been pushing me away, and a few days ago he asked if I am finnishing school, so I told him I am. I didnt hear from him for a few hours, but when I did, he said he doesnt think we should be aound each other anymore and that he doesnt love me.

Then last night, a few days after, he started talking to me again, and said its because he is dropping out of school, and he doesnt want me getting too attached to him. I tried to convince him that him dropping out didnt change how I felt about him, and that we would still see each other, so he says he doesnt love me anymore.

Can anyone make sence of this, because I cant and its confusing me, please help…

Reply October 14, 2011, 9:05 pm

G

Did you ever tell him you loved him? If not than I would say something along the lines of I simply enjoy your company and getting to know you. I totally get where you’re coming from but I’m not looking for love from you. I just thought we had a nice time together and would want to keep that going. My ex pulled that on me after we had been dating for a few months and I never even remotely alluded to love. Then a couple months later he professed his love for me. Either way let it go and if it’s meant to come back it will. I truly believe that myself.

Reply October 24, 2011, 8:13 pm

samah

Im A 37 Year Old Virgin And Have Been In A Relationship With My Boyfriend For 2Years And 10 Months He Says He Doesnt Want To Break Up But He hasnt Come And Propsed What Can I Do To Make Him Marry Me HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

Reply October 13, 2011, 3:46 pm

jael

i been with this guy since 10th grade he moved away while we where in high school we broke up a couple months back over religion he didnt accept my religion and i was angry at the time but i the issue was my family they didnt like him i never forced him to have my religion anyway im so inlove with this guy and i need him we got back together 2 months ago but since hes long distance and hes always working so when i hear from him its like hearing from a long lost friend so what do i do im so depressed that i cant even focus in work or my studies so basically im stuck being this im not sure what i am .. am i wasteing my time or am i stressing over nothing

Reply July 12, 2011, 12:44 am

VIC

Thank you so much for being a conduit of information, as you are truly insightful. Your words and knowledge are greatly appreciated. Truly, you are a special individual with uncanny perception. Thanks for sharing it. If ever you write that book… I would be happy to help promote…:)

Kind Regards
Victoria

Reply June 21, 2011, 12:35 am

Fancy Grace

Work out what? The fact that he doesn’t want to have kids or get married again should be enough for you to walk away regardless of whether he freaks when you walk away. In my opinion those things are huge things and it’s either you do or you don’t. What if you guys do work it out and you get pregnant and he freaks because he didn’t want that? Kids change things….A LOT!

If you stay you need to be okay with the fact that you may never get married and be okay with not having kids. If those are two things that you can possibly give it, I’d say stay and work it out. If not, why waste another month on something that’s not going to work out anyhow.

Reply June 4, 2011, 10:12 pm

koolgirl

Hi,

I was in a relationship with a guy for 1.5 years.. He started taking me for granted.He could not even take out 5 min from his schedule to call me but yet i was happy and really loved him.
In the meanwhile , I met another guy who used to be there all the time with me , i started sharing my time with him . I realised that it was just an infactuation and left him.
But now i want to get back to my old guy as i always loved only him. He is telling that he no longer feels the same about me. We are still in touch but just as friends.He told he would get back to me only if he feels that he is missing something in life . Now he got a job and currently living with his family . So i find a very remote chance that he would miss me.
As my family is traditional , i just have 5 months to get back my guy before the wedding topic starts.. Plz can u suggest what i should do?

Reply May 25, 2011, 1:59 am

help i am broken hearted

been sleeping with this guy for 5 months, latelty he doesnt answer my text.. should i just forget about him? i fallen for him even thou he acted like he fallen for me i doubt it he was dating..

Reply May 23, 2011, 9:13 pm

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