Guy Confession: Why I Cheated post image

Guy Confession: Why I Cheated


Boston University. 2009. Fall. I am a senior and have about four credits worth of actual classes and 26 credits of drinking and partying. But then the worst thing possible occurs: I fall in love.

And I mean IN LOVE! Can’t eat, walk differently, wanna start volunteering in love. She was quite perfect in my eyes and she thought very highly of me as well. It was a relationship based on giving to each other as much as possible, and it doesn’t get much better than that.

The relationship was amazing and intense, but also very new. After a month of bliss I wanted to tell her I loved her. And that brings us to the night when I lost my mind, and nearly my college sweetheart…

I was drinking. Weird, right? Girls, if you haven’t noticed by now, that’s usually the beginning to every story that ends in shame and regret, just a not-fun fact. Anyways, Katie (let’s call her that) decided to stay in that night. Nothing too crazy. She was low-key and the type of girl who preferred a glass of wine and a bad Jennifer Aniston movie over the typical college-shenanigans scene. Guess what I preferred…

So I get to the bar with my usual crew and over the course of $2 Pabsts, Jager, and the obligatory “We’re graduating soon!” conversations, we are all feeling lubricated and have a sense of urgency. You remember the urgency I’m talking about. Something happens in your brain where you tell yourself you will never, ever for the rest of your time on this beautiful blue earth have fun again…ever. So what do we tell ourselves? PACK IT IN! QUICKLY! TIME IS RUNNING OUT! At least that’s what the final SoCo and Lime was telling me around midnight. I could almost feel the miniature red devil on my shoulder whispering in Animal House-style: “Do exactly the opposite of the right thing!” And that’s exactly what I did.

Do you understand my thinking? It makes all the sense in the world while no sense at all. It was a perfect boozestorm of thinking that I won’t get married anytime soon, youth is supposed to be the time to solely have fun, and am I really gonna stay with this girl until were both old and grey? I can still remember it like it just happened. The thought: “Wait, I’m not ready to marry this girl. I may love her and she may be perfect, but it’s my senior year, I need to enjoy myself!” And then it spiraled. I remember the exact place I was standing dividing the dance floor and the bar. I stood there and convinced myself that I wouldn’t squander my youth and it was hook-up time. It was that simple.

I grabbed the hand of a girl that I knew would grab my hand back. I led her to the middle of the flashing blue, purple, and green lights and as the house music peaked and then dropped, I made eye contact. The kiss was over nearly as quickly as it began. The kind of quickness that makes you question if it actually happened. I always arrived at the same stupid answer: it did happen. It didn’t matter which way I cut it…it happened.

A few seconds of sloppy, stupid making out and then I was suddenly frozen in place as my body took control. It sent my feet running towards the exit. No explanation to the girl or crew I came with. My body informed my mind—It’s time to go home, and get there as fast as you can.

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It seemed like the cab was waiting just for me and I jumped inside and told him my address with a voice that must have been choking with anxiety. I threw cash at him when we arrived back at my high rise, ran upstairs, jumped into bed, called Katie and told her everything that I just did.

Right about now you may be wondering why I did it, why I risked losing a girl who I had spent months trying to win over. Why I almost threw it all away when our relationship was in a strong, solid place, when I finally had her hard-earned love. The short answer is simply that I freaked out.

The moment a guy decides to commit to a girl, he instinctively thinks of all the girls he may be missing out on. I think that’s the root of what society calls a guy’s “commitment issues.” A guy will say it’s not natural to be with one girl or he’s scared he’s missing out on something else brighter and shinier. It’s like a deep version of FOMO. That is the reason. Every guy feels this way at some point.

The idea is to get over it, to know this is a natural, unfortunate instinct and not a real feeling. It’s something we dudes feel probably through some sort of evolutionary survival-of-the-fittest kind of thing that I am not equipped to, nor have any interest in, getting into. The point is that it exists.

Guys will eventually realize that the brighter, shinier object that they have convinced themselves they’re “missing out on” doesn’t exist. And if she did, she would only have that sparkle for as long as his short-sighted brain would allow. In all likelihood what he’s looking for is right in front of him waiting to give him what we all want: comfort, home, love, reliance, purpose.

That’s right! Always remind yourself we are in this ship together, guys and girls, and a rising tide lifts all boats. Guys do want the exact same thing as girls. I know it doesn’t look like it, but check this out: when you were nine, some boy came over to you on the playground, pulled your hair, kicked you in the shin, and then ran over and swung on the swing with Kristin, who happened to be your best friend! And he was madly in love with you! We don’t change much. But around our early- to mid-20s, most are realizing that stability and real connection beats fleeting desire. We just act on that new consciousness differently and more slowly than you do.

This is not to say every guy will run out and cheat the second you commit to him, or when the relationship deepens. But most men will feel a pang of panic over the prospect of being with one woman for the rest of their lives. It doesn’t matter how magnificent you are, there is no rhyme or reason to it. It just is.

QUIZ: Does He Really Love Me?

These fears will begin to abate as soon as he finds a truly great woman. It’s not possible for a guy to get over that FOMO feeling without the right girl. That’s what gives him the greatest shot of success, and there’s still risk.

Let’s give it a name. Let’s call it “Relationship Fomo.” Get it trending.

If you think you have found the exception, you’re wrong. “The exception” just allows his intellect to outweigh his short-term emotions to the extent that he looks and probably is ready to fully commit. This is what all guys are striving for and some will reach. Some will be born with the DNA to snap out of their “hook-up culture” lives and some will need a wake-up call, or more like a wake-up punch in the face, like I did.

I had the right girl, but being young and dumb and drunk temporarily shut down my higher knowledge. But from that night on, I knew I would never make the same mistake again. I realized that hooking up with all the drunk girls in all the bars in the world could never, ever compare to being with one amazing woman.

Now let’s go to Part 2: why she stayed.

She stayed because I did what I did. Not the kissing part. The part of guilt and gut-wrenching immediate depression, of telling her everything, of running, and mostly the part of honesty. Hard, cold, tough honesty. Honesty that ruins everything or makes everything stronger. Those are the only two choices when a guy is such an utter, stupid moron.

She didn’t immediately forgive me. She took her time in making a decision and her friends really surprised me by encouraging her to stay. When they heard the story, they did not bombard her with the typical “Guys stink!” and “Once a cheater, always a cheater!” I mean I’m sure they used some four-letter words too, but at the end of the day they assured her that a guy that runs out of the bar nauseous, admits to his transgression and takes full responsibility may be a guy worth giving a second chance.

We stayed together for a year and the relationship was incredible. A big part of that is she was able to forgive and mostly forget. She didn’t continue to punish me for my mistake and because she still held me in such high regard, it made me want to be my absolute best self.

Why won’t I do it again? It felt like hell. It felt really, really bad. And that’s just how I felt. What about her feelings? I felt the effects of them both and it weighed on me heavily and I never want to feel that again. I never want to hurt anyone like that again. I am only sorry it took the incident to make me realize. And I am so grateful that she didn’t put me in one over-generalized category of CHEATERS. She realized I wasn’t a cheater, but that I cheated, and that right there is the difference.

So that’s my confession, I hope you enjoyed. Please share your thoughts and questions in comments!

– NOAH

32 comments… add one

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superstar

After a yr not talkin causehis e got him arrested his goin bk to her house to c his 12 yr old daughter that i still aint meet n she hasnt meet her 1 yr old brother i

I added his ex on fb and she put after 16 im sayin bu ti my ex so they most of been behind my bk n i c pic at her bar b qs he told me he was stayin xmas eve at his step daughters n found out he was really at his exs now his boss has blocked me on fb i said to him about wot she wrote he said i shoukdnt b nosy and now his ex has bloked me i feel confused stay or walk awY

Reply April 15, 2015, 8:56 pm

Artgal

It turns my stomach whenever I hear someone cheating especially if they’re married be honest with one another try to make the relationship work give 100% of your heart if all else fails pray together go to church see a marriage counselor take a trip but please don’t hurt one another do it the right way save yourselves heart ache hope things will wrong out for the better take care god bless!

Reply January 21, 2015, 8:29 pm

naomi

I’ve recently had a similar situation. My bf of a year has just gone back to his country to visit. We have been quite serious for sometime now but he recently has been loved up more than usual (not a bad thing) talking us babies marriage etc. I thought it was the whole distance making the heart grow fonder.
However he just yesterday sent me three pictures of him kissing his ex who cheated on him (which I assumed was fully over) and they were really good friends. He said he’s coming clean but what I question is, is this the scenario of him freaking out as you say considering it was three separate occasions. The article is great advice and I commend both you and the women on moving on.

Reply January 18, 2015, 1:20 am

Chevaane

Hi Noah,

I must say I’ve found your article somewhat helpful, however, what you did at the time wasn’t quite as bad as what my boyfriend did.

Two years ago I went to a New Years party with a school friend who introduced me to who was soon to be my future boyfriend. She new him from course and I just thought they were course mates but nothing much more. She egged me on that night saying how him and I had a bit of a thing going and encouraged me to spark something with him. I wasn’t so sure as I’d become happy with being single and being myself but I didn’t refuse his affections either. A few days later she asked what was happening between us but in a much different tone to what she had that night. When he asked me out, I asked her if she was ok with it and she said yes but I knew she wasn’t really, but again I didn’t think she had a strong friendship with him or anything so I went out with him. About 4 to 6 months later she wanted flat with him and his flat mates and that’s when I found out that they used to be friends with benefits which I was aluded to by one of his flat mates, at which point, my boyfriend told me. I trusted them both so I said I was fine with them flatting together.

After 9 months of going out I found out he cheated on me with her when I noticed him acting slightly too close with her at a BBQ at my house. I found their conversations on his phone and chose not to say anything but obviously he could tell my mood. I assume he put two and two together given that in my panicked state, I didn’t exit out of their conversation on his phone and figured I must’ve read it. A few hours later we got talking about it and he admitted it.

He had slept with her twice and was drunk both times, first time initiated by him and second time by her. I was at course at the time about an hour and a half away but saw him every weekend and had a good sex life. I forgave him but not my friend and have continued our relationship. I still get haunted by the fact that I feel the first time was a mistake but a second time just isn’t really.

It’s been relatively good since then and I’ve moved on mostly apart from still having to see her now and again given that she’s within our circle of friends, so I am constantly reminded. Because of this there is an element of trust that has not been restored. Every now and then I check his Facebook and tumblr and things and on the odd occasion find him gloating about how good it was with my friend and how he wished he’d tried other things and I feel inferior. Just recently I’ve found a new messaging app on his phone where he is talking to a girl overseas. I know he can’t physically cheat with her but he still talks with her in a way that he shouldn’t. It hurts.

I’m 21 and he’s 23. I love him so much and the feeling really is mutual I honestly know it is and he means it when he says he loves me. We are living together now and have been going out almost two years. I just don’t understand why he continuously craves sexual attention from others?

Sorry for the novel I don’t know if this was the right place to ask the question but I’ve never been on any of these sites!

Regards Chev

Reply December 27, 2014, 10:49 am

MB

Hi Chev,

I decided to reply since I found your story very painful to read.

If I was in that kind of position I wold be greatly disgusted. It sounds like your BF has a big sexual appetite and loves to experiment (which isn’t a bad thing).

It can however be very problematic if his (sexual) needs don’t meet yours. Apparently, you enjoy making love with him (as is), yet he doesn’t seem to be satisfied? (judging from what you said in regard to the comment posted to his former friend-with-benefits).

Often times lovers tend to overlook sexual compatibility in their relationshp for fear of being considered superficial, but your story is a fine example of how this one detail can cause quite a bit of unnecessary heartache.

Usually when people look outside their relationship for sex, it’s because their needs are not being met, or simply not willing or ready to commit due to some underlying issue in their mind/heart.

So it’s not your fault. However, you do control where the boundaries are set in regard to your values & principles.

I feel & think you deserve better, but it’s your (love) life.

Reply December 28, 2014, 3:24 pm

Dee

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months and have
3 years old daughter which the share with the
the ex girlfriend. About 7 in our relationship he
told that he had cocain drug problem.
He work M to sartuday and he is in the rehab for
Almost 3 months. I try to call and left text but he
never return my text or ph call. The response
was sorry i can do this anymore and told me
to move on. I was very cofused and i still text him
but no response

Reply December 16, 2014, 6:41 am

Artgal

At least he communicated and was honest, his going though a lot right now nobody is perfect we all make mistakes in life doesn’t mean his a bad person he fall and now his picking himself up again by going to rehab I wish him well, focus on your daughter she’s your number 1 priority give her love teach her well keep busy, pray ask God to bring peace in your heart and mind move forward and be strong its a new Year everything will be alright take care God Bless! remember God is Good 🙂

Reply January 21, 2015, 8:46 pm

Dee

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months and have
3 years old daughter which the share with the
the ex girlfriend. About 7 in our relationship he
told that he had cocain drug problem.
He work M to sartuday and he is in the rehab for
Almost 3 months. I try to call and left text but he
never return my text or ph call. The response
was sorry i can do this anymore and told me
to move on. I was verh cofused and i still text him
but no response

Reply December 16, 2014, 6:40 am

Angela

Hi Noah i honestly think that yeah it was bad you cheated but at least you had the guts to tell her immediately and sorry it didn’t work out between you too. But you seem like a nice guy.

Reply December 9, 2014, 7:12 pm

Angela

Hi Noah i honestly think that yeah it was bad you cheated but at least you had the guts to tell her immediately and sorry it didn’t work out between you too…

Reply December 9, 2014, 7:11 pm

alecia

Did you guys get married?

Reply November 26, 2014, 8:15 pm

aleciA

Nevermind, I scrolled down and read the comments.

Reply November 26, 2014, 8:18 pm

karen

my boyfriend keeps leaving me for stupid reasons hes 48 and iam not stupid he leaves for like 3 monthes comes back just enough time to hook up with someone new and it dosnt work out iam very attractive i dont know why iam contining this mess ??

Reply November 18, 2014, 12:51 pm

Sheila

Hi Noah! Thanks for an awesome article 🙂
I have a question that’s been bugging me for a while though. What is the best way for a woman to deal with men with relationship FOMO? Because, as you say, almost all men will experience this at some point, but I just don’t know what to do with this knowledge. Is there something we can do other than just wait for it to strike?

Reply October 29, 2014, 9:56 pm

Sheila

Haha no, really.
That sir, is terrible advice

Reply November 13, 2014, 1:41 am

Laura

I know some people won’t like what i wrote, but i feel for the other girl being kissed, (i’m talking generally there for all the girls being cheated on) because the man i loved and still love for now, three years, (met him before he met his girlfriend, but i had to go back to my country so we couldn’t be together,then he found her a few month after and dated her).
He was in his relationship for two years, and he came back to talk to me and everything, after a year being with her, and he flirted with me for an entire year. Broke up with her a few month ago now, i honnestly thought he would be with me, but now, he can’t get over her, feels lonely, and i’m still there, loving him. I tried to date, tried to see other guys, but nothing helps, i love him and miss him so much, as i would love to finally be with him.
What i mean by this is, I never understood why he cheated like he did, and to be honnest, (talking about the article, very well written by the way), he cheated for only a night, it was just a kiss (not saying this is acceptable). But The guy i love, cheated on her, for an entire year, so he was fully conscious about what he was doing. I also want to add, i know i should have stopped, and i know i might be judged, but i was and still am in love with him. I thought they were kinda on, and off relationship, at one point i thought they were not even together, as he was never talking about her at all and kept promising me so many things.

Reply October 29, 2014, 9:03 am

Stefanie

Noah, much appreciated you shared your story so honestly in public. This should help a lot of people. Sometimes I wonder though if someone made a minor mistake like this if they aren’t better off keeping it to themselves. If my BF did something like this once, I’m not sure I’d want or have a need to know. It would be his cross to bear, if you know what I mean. This may raise some controversy… which is OK. Do we really have to confess every single thing to our partners? Anyone else have any thoughts on that?

Reply October 29, 2014, 5:32 am

Noah Williams

Stefanie you bring up an AWESOME point! I was actually thinking about writing on this topic as well but like you alluded to, I think I’m too scared of the controversy. I believe that in the particular situation I described it would have been just as productive, if not more, if I never said anything. I think it holds true for any transgression that is on the lighter side I.e. Kissing/light fooling around and it’s true ONLY when there is REAL regret. When, afterwards, the guy feels like he only has 2 choices: to throw up in his car or on the street. Thank you so much for bringing this to light. It will help many make the right decision if it is really worth hurting the other person after they have already hurt themselves so badly.

Reply October 29, 2014, 7:52 am

Jenny

I agree. I think in an instance like this… there is no need to tell the girlfriend. It just brings your relationship into question for her and clouds her judgement (and your perceived actions) from now on with a sense of doubt. Forgiveness is definitely possible, but as someone who has been Katie… I know how longs the feeling of betrayal and disloyalty linger.

If you, Noah, truly learned your lesson that night… then you should keep that guilt inside and funnel it into making Katie feel like the Princess she deserves to be. Unloading your guilt onto her, in some ways, is a little bit selfish.

Live and you learn. Thank you for sharing.

Reply October 29, 2014, 11:38 am

Stefanie

Thanks for your answer Noah. Well, I’m glad you let ME bring it up… I suspect you are right, you would have gotten firebombed for having suggested the right thing to do is not tell. And I agree, this only holds when it’s truly minor and there is truly regret.

Reply October 30, 2014, 10:22 am

candy

What of the girl he kissed????

Reply October 29, 2014, 12:57 am

Noah Williams

Hi candy. Thanks for your comment! I’m not exactly sure what you want to know about her. She was very aware that I was seeing someone but probably didn’t know how serious it was. We didn’t speak so much before that and not so much after! I hope that’s what you were wondering about.

Reply October 29, 2014, 7:45 am

Jackie

Noah Williams you are the best writer!

Reply October 29, 2014, 12:25 am

Noah Williams

Thank you Jackie! A lot more to come!

Reply October 29, 2014, 7:57 am

Ally

im wondering if you two are still together?

Reply October 28, 2014, 11:05 pm

Noah Williams

Hey Ally, thanks for the question. I knew it wasn’t so clear in the article if we were together or not after the fact. We are not together anymore. We ended it at the end of my senior year about 4 years ago now. We remained friends and she even got married last week! I also sent her the article and she approved! All are happy

Reply October 29, 2014, 7:41 am

Trish

Well, that’s pretty typical behavior for a 20-something guy I should say, and nothing to lose sleep over. What I’m interested in is why a man married for 25 years would suddenly decide to get some strange, instead of talking to his wife about why he’s not happy with their sex life? Is that just chicken shit behavior or he just doesn’t want to change the status quo? Otherwise being an awesome guy in every other respect.

Reply October 28, 2014, 10:14 pm

Noah Williams (real)

I’m sorry Trish. Somebody’s posting under my name. When he stops I’ll be able to respond thoroughly.

Reply October 28, 2014, 10:35 pm

Noah Williams

Hey Trish! We booted out the exceptionally bored individual that was posing as me so I can finally answer your question. And my answer is…. Drumroll….. I don’t know! I am not married and I so not want to even begin to think I know what I am talking about. I will try to find a fellow writer at anewmode to respond to you ASAP. Thanks for a great, honest question

Reply October 29, 2014, 7:56 am

Trish

Thanks for your honesty Noah. I know it’s rather an unfair question since I’m sure there are a million reasons why a man would cheat on his wife. I thought I’d get a mans perspective, so I would certainly like to hear from a guy with that kind of experience. Thanks!

Reply October 29, 2014, 5:04 pm

Noah Williams (real)

Hey guys! Thank you for your feedback! Obviously if you see any innapropriate yet mildly funny comments by someone posing as me, ignore them. It’s not me.

Reply October 28, 2014, 7:37 pm

Selena

Thanks for sharing Noah! This was so well written and insightful, you sound like a really awesome and genuine guy.

Reply October 28, 2014, 5:52 pm

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