Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Commit? post image

Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Commit?


I’ve been seeing a guy for about six months now. Everything in the relationship is great- we get along, we have fun together, we just get each other. The only thing is he won’t commit to me. He said he wasn’t hooking up with anyone else, only me, but he’s not ready to use titles.  I know his last relationship ended badly, so that might be part of it. I just don’t get it, the relationship is so great in every way aside from this.

How do I get him to commit to me?

Here is a universal truth about both men and women: People only step up to do something when they’re inspired to and/or feel it’s necessary.

In your situation the problem is clear: He’s already getting what he wants.

He knows you’re not going anywhere.  He knows that there’s no urgency to change anything about your arrangement because you’re clearly not going anywhere.

It’s not that he’s a bad guy.  It’s not that he wants to take advantage of you or take you for granted.  It’s simply that you’re graciously accepting how things are even though this isn’t what you want.

You might think that you’re doing a favor for your relationship in the long run. You’re not.

The fact is, you’re lying to yourself and to your guy if you’re putting on a happy face on the surface but deep down are feeling that you want or need better.

If a guy says he “doesn’t want a relationship” or “to be exclusive” or “to be official” or to marry you…He means it.

Just because he says he isn’t hooking up with anyone else doesn’t mean you need to stop exploring your options. Until he puts a label on it, you’re free to do what you want.

It’s amazing to me, but there are so many women who just commit to guys that have specifically said that they’re not committed to the relationship.

The women hope and pray for things to change, but again, why would they change if the guy has everything he would get from a girlfriend without the title?

MORE: When a Guy Won’t Call You his Girlfriend

When a man says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, he means it.  The reason doesn’t matter – the reason is just to soften the blow. The real message always is: I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.

The “trick” is to never treat that guy like a priority when you’re only an option to him.

In other words – if he hasn’t chosen you as the one, then you need to make sure that you have options as well. This is for a few very important reasons:

Men want to be with a prize.  Heck, women want to be with a prize too; we like to be with people who are a cut above the rest.

Well a prize is something that not only needs to be won, but could also be lost to someone else if a guy doesn’t bring his A-game.

A lot of women don’t give men the opportunity to bring their A-game. The women see the slightest glimmer of a chance for a relationship and they shut down all other options.

When you see guys stepping up and locking down a woman in a relationship—whether it’s getting the girlfriend title, moving in together, or even marriage—the man knows that if he doesn’t commit and move forward, he could lose the woman.

Now let’s talk about your relationship.

There is this idea out there that men are anti-relationships. This isn’t true at all. A man will happily get into a relationship, as long as it’s the right relationship.

The right relationships to a guy is one where his needs are being met and he’s delighted with the relationship because it fulfills him and meets his desires. So if you are going to put your focus anywhere, don’t focus on getting his commitment or a relationship title.

Focus on having a great relationship. Having a great relationship means that that when you spend time together, you and he feel good about it. It really is that simple.

A lot of women take a  goal-driven approach to relationships and focus solely on having the relationship hit a certain milestone. They meet a man and then they immediately start thinking about the goal they want to get to achieve within the relationship:

“I want him to call me his girlfriend.”
“I want him to become exclusive with me.”
“I want to move in with him.”
“I want him to give me a ring.”
“I want to have children with him.”

The fact of the matter is that when you have these objectives, it actually blocks you from having a good relationship because relationships happen in the moment. The way a man evaluates a relationship is how he feels in the moment.

You are better off enjoying the time that you spend with him in the present and appreciating him for who he is right now. When you are there present with him in the moment, he won’t feel pressured and will feel more at ease with you.

He is going to feel relaxed, calm, and happy in the relationship, which is ultimately what every man wants to feel in his relationship. The better he feels when he’s with you, the more time he will want to spend with you.

MORE: 5 Signs He’ll Never Commit

If you are obsessed with reaching some sort of a milestone, if you have an agenda and aren’t able to be present and enjoy the moment with him,  he is going to put his guard up towards you. He is going to feel like you are not actually with him and that you are trying to manipulate him in order to get what you want. People intuitively … (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: How Do I Get Him to Commit?)

19 comments… add one

Leave Your Comment Now...

Prisma

This one nailed it. Most guys are so emotionally slow haha but they can teach us patience and to be lady like waiting for them to take initiative. Must wait for our King with the dignity and grace of a queen.
Thanks Eric

Reply October 31, 2016, 7:29 am

Sarah

I met in 2007 in the United States, I’m in Canada we met at a concert and for me, as soon as I saw him I knew I loved him. We hit it off and within a few weeks I was going to the states to visit him, we started dating and I was so happy, but because of the distance and him not being able to cross the boarder to come up and see me( he tried once) due to felonies in the states, I wasn’t able to go every weekend. He started to go down a bad path and got into drugs, I was always there for him even tho I didn’t know the extent of what he was doing. I told him I loved him, and he freaked out, we drifted apart and I was hurt.

Through out the years I thought about him, and tried dating other people but it was never the same feeling I had, that I felt for him. I looked him up on Facebook and saw he was in a relationship and just had a baby, I left it alone but I’d check his Facebook every so often, this year I looked at it and he was no longer in relationship, it had been 8 years since we had spoken, I decided to send a message and he responded. I was so excited and seemed to be too, we exchanged numbers and soon were talking and texting everyday, he would send pictures and face time and we were catching up, this was in March. He told me that in December he and his baby’s mom broke up because she cheated on him, she had a long time friend that she moved into the house, because he needed a place to stay, but while he was at work she was heating on him with this guy, it went on for months and he felt like he was going nuts thinking this stuff was going on, but them saying he’s wrong, he finally saw that she was cheating and she kicked him out of the house and has this new guy living with her, they are still together.

He has 3 kids with different moms, he told me he thinks there’s something wrong with him because it never works out, he wants a family and with this last women he wanted it to work, this all happened last Dec.

In june( we had been in touch since March) I went to visit him, he had told me he doesn’t want a relationship, the feeling of being emotionally available on that level wasn’t a good feeling, which I understood. So I went to visit, and we hit it off, to me it was right back to where it was when we first started seeing each other. I have gone to see him every month since June, he told me he didn’t want a relationship, as we continued to see each other things seemed to change, he was getting close, I asked him ” but you don’t want a relationship” his answer seemed to change, he was affectionate, I met his daughter, I met his daughters mom, he introduced me to his co workers, his friends and included me in his life.

As time went on he would introduce me as his girlfriend to his friends, he told me he wanted to see me everyday, and we talked about me moving to the states if possible. He would call in the middle of the night to say he loved me or was thinking of me.

Now ever since this stuff happened with his ex, he parties, with his friends so he would call me after having drinks. He would say he’s thinking of me and that he’s happy and hasn’t been in a long time…..

After a few months, the calls and texts slowed down, I was still visiting, but not sure where I stood with him,I would text, and his responses weren’t the same as before, I started to think he wasn’t interested anymore, he would sometimes bring up the fact that he is not able to like or love someone on the emotional level, I felt like he was backing off. I just got back 2 days ago and while I was there I asked him if he liked me or had feelings for me, he looked sad but said no he doesn’t have feelings for me and he can’t like anyone because he doesn’t like himself. He would say “just keep being my friend”. I am heart broken over it….

He drinks a lot,and hangs out with his friends when he’s not working, at the time of him telling me he doesn’t have feelings for me( which killed me) he was really drunk, he also brought up giving him a year but that seemed to change too. But because I was visiting we slept in the same bed( nothing physical happened) but he cuddled me.

I’m left here with my head spinning, heart broken… I have no idea what to think, but I don’t believe him…. I could be a fool and I’m looking for some kind of hope, i know love is blind… But the feeling I have in my gut is that I’m not wrong with how I feel.

Thank you

Reply October 6, 2016, 8:34 pm

Melissa

Thank You Eric for this wonderful article! I followed all your advice keeping my options open, stopped having an agenda, started enjoying the relationship for what it is and most importantly learned how to be happy by myself, and the guy I was dating for almost 2 years finally made it official! It takes time to practice these things but it is so worth it!

Reply August 19, 2015, 4:39 pm

Kate

Knew this guy in middle school he was in love with me.. lost touch and about 2 months we started talking. But I always have to call him.think he called me twice so far including returned phone calls. And he always dose the talking always when i talk its interruptred are non responcive. ButTalked daily and decided to meet briefly about two weeks ago. We talked for a about 15 20 min.then it went real fast real quick. I said no a few times before I just gave in. Now its we talk every other day to maybe once a week. He’s said a few times about going out before sex and once after but includes that we should end that date with sex. I have asked him where he stands after we had sex the next day made it clear that was not like me and that it was to soon. He said it was built up and he agrees it was soon. Says he is content with his life but then says if he didn’t want to talk to me he’d say so……..I feel like I f***ed up by haven sex to soon and all he wants is ass now. What do u think

Reply May 21, 2015, 1:25 am

viki

Well, Eric Charles is the guy and he promotes the masculine behavior. For God sake, women, our message is clear what we want in a relationship. I am tired that we are always trying to please those guys and etc. The reality is that guys behave as they want and we need to adjust to their particular needs. All those articles say that we need to understand their mindset and how they function so that we could finally find a happy relationship. We basically have to play games. Men are really complicated. Women are very simple. If they want something they say. shhh!!! watch out!! If you say this, the poor guy will be frightened. He does not want to commit. Do not make love with him because he will get what he wants and again he will not want to commit. Jesus! Then, why they do not try to understand how women function and to adjust. Most men are absolutely idiots when it comes to the relationship. We women can give some classes to our sons so that at least new men generation would be more aware of the subject which is “women”.

Reply May 17, 2015, 2:39 pm

Eric Charles

No, you’re just frustrated.

I’m not “promoting masculine behavior”… I’m sharing my opinion (based on over a decade of experience) on what gets results for women who want success in their love life (what they define as success is their business… but whatever it is, I help them get there).

Nobody is forcing you to be in a relationship with a guy or with anyone. If you choose to pursue being in a relationship, I don’t understand why you would pursue it and simultaneously whine that it’s not the way you want it to be…

There’s only one thing that matters to me: Do my articles help women get the results they want?

Judging by the countless thank you letters, testimonials, support, fans and feature articles written about my work… I’m going to say yes, I’m very effective at showing women how to get the results they want.

Meanwhile you want to complain and whine…

If you saw a guy complaining like you are right now, you would think he’s a loser… you wouldn’t want to go near him… moreover, you would think he’s wrong and has a limited, self-centered and misinformed perspective.

I’ve worked with thousands of men over the years, and I can’t tell you how many times some of those men said the same thing you are, “It’s not fair, women can do whatever they want, they don’t have to do anything, men have to do all the work, etc.”

It’s all about perspective. Men aren’t complicated… but trying to force a relationship to work with the wrong guy is going to end poorly… I don’t think that’s rocket science, though.

And never have I ever said anything about withholding “making love” because he’d “get what he wants”… I get that you’re just venting, but don’t put words in my mouth that are completely the opposite of anything that’s ever been said on this site.

Your entire comment was a temper tantrum. Stop blaming men and take responsibility for the results you’re getting in your life…

Reply May 17, 2015, 3:30 pm

Emily

I kind of agree with both of you. I get what you mean with your post, Eric, some women just force into a relationship with a person who will never commit simply because he just does not feel the same way about her, and still she tries to push him. But I also agree that we sometimes, being more mature, I don’t know, have to act like if it was a game, knowing the right moves and words because otherwise the guy will freak out and just leave. I’m with a guy for 6 months now and he still is not sure if I’m “the one”, although we always have an amazing time when we’re together. Maybe he’s afraid to lose his freedom, or that I’ll be all jealous and stuff, but it’s very hard to pretend that I’m ok with this situation when all I wanted was a serious and honest conversation, but I have tried that in the past and he thought I was pressing him.

Reply September 3, 2015, 10:58 am

cf

Hi
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 11 years and we’ve been engaged but nothing happened. We have a daughter and I feel he does not feel the same about me. We’ve had major issues but always end back together. We having problems now and I said I want a open honest loyal relationship but ye says I’m mad and I spy on him because I want him to invite me on his face book which I haven’t been on ever. I feel if he can’t allow hes full commitment it will never work. He’s friends with everyone we know on fb but me. It hurts and I’m really sad about this because he does not want to be open with me. He the LD me today he won’t give my way until I prove myself. I’m confused and don’t know what to do we live together with our daughter but feels like a nothing and I mean nothing to him…. Cf

Reply March 17, 2015, 2:25 pm

S Anon

Just please be nice to each other and save the intimate stuff for people that really care about you!!

Reply March 13, 2015, 3:13 am

Sue Anon

But why waste all that time with someone only for him to say: “Oh I’m not feeling it or I’m not the marrying, having children, etc type?!” Tell me.

You unfortunately, (by nature’s time line), don’t want to be 60, single and looking… do you??! I guess you can, but they say pregnancy at that age isnt recommended. What do you think? 🙂

Reply March 13, 2015, 2:59 am

agnes gelin

I meet a guy couple months ago,he live in new york ,i live in Georgia.when we first meet we talk on the phone and text every day.now its like every other week if any,also his not calling me when his home.he’ll call me on his way to work or home.what should I do on his birthday I asked him for his address so I can mail him a card,and he said no cause,he doesn’t like woman to send him gifts on his birthday?

Reply February 2, 2015, 11:02 am

Kate

I have been “talking” to this guy for almost 3 months. It has been going great, but we have not had the commitment/exclusive talk. I was fine with us taking it slow and was not worried about this, but now we are long distance for the near future. I feel like we need to have this talk so I know exactly where we stand. I do not see any point in being in a long distance relationship if it is not serious, and we do not have a plan and are not both committed to make it work. I know I should have brought this up before I left, but I panicked. I am not sure when I will see him in person again and my question is in this case is it acceptable to discuss this over the phone? And when I do talk to him how do I bring it up without him freaking out.

Reply May 26, 2014, 11:34 pm

Rebecc

Love your articles . I am one who’s guilty of overthinking past my initial guy instinct . I’ve found that 99.9% of the time my gut is on the money and I need to learn to stick with that .

Reply April 25, 2014, 8:04 am

Guy

The author is right; we say what we mean. If we want to go out, we’ll say so. If we don’t want to get married, we’ll say so.

It’s not that we don’t like you per say, it just means you’re replaceable. That’s not meant to be insulting. There are no soulmates. There are no ghosts. There are no psychics.

Guys are always evaluating two things:

1. How much we enjoy being around you
2. How others will perceive us social with you as our accessory.

Girls tend to lean with choosing someone, then sticking it out, “working on it”, etc. That’s way too much work. We could just break up, hook up with someone new, and see what she has to offer.

<3

Reply September 6, 2013, 6:07 pm

g monkey

So true! You can’t coerce someone to be with you. When a guy wants to be with you they just will. That is what happened with my current boyrfriend. We dated before and he didn’t want a commitment. We broke up and dated other people. We started talking again after many months of being apart, became friends for some time and began spending more time together. It naturally came together well and after time we verbally agreed that we were together and just wanted to be with each other. End of story. It’s very simple.

Reply October 3, 2013, 9:47 pm

N

Yes, you just want all the fun and no responsibility. I get it

Reply March 13, 2015, 3:01 am

Sue Anon

Sorry, that was written by me. The comment above.

Reply March 13, 2015, 3:12 am

brianna

i meet this guy around 2 weeks ago we only talk by text or by Facebook. He has asked only a questions about me and im usually the one to instigate a conversation. how do i know if he likes me and or if im not bothering him.

Reply September 4, 2013, 6:19 pm

ndungo suzine

It’s from the deep of ture love, saries of love

Reply September 4, 2013, 8:32 am

Leave a Comment

Recent Relationship Forum Activity

STOP LETTING MEN
CONFUSE YOU

Sign up for our
free newsletter
and get a free chapter
of our book,"He's Not
That Complicated"