Two months ago, I was dating a guy for like a month and he was after me like crazy. At the time, I thought he and I wouldn’t work out, so I rejected him.
We had some turmoil in between and I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again. Then he initiated contact saying that he’s happy we are still friends and we kind of talked on and off for another week or so.
He invited me to an event he was throwing and after that we started talking almost everyday. Here’s the tricky part: Now he doesn’t call me as much and when we text he sometimes leaves me hanging mid-conversation.
I have started to really like him and I feel like I screwed things up by rejecting him at the start. How can I get him to start chasing me again?
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
I will answer your question in regards to “getting him to chase you,” but I think it would be worthwhile to do a self-check as to what you’re really after here.
When he was pursuing you, you felt like you had control and could choose whether or not you wanted him around. At that time, you chose to reject him. You came back together and over time, things changed. He gradually started acting differently and as a result, you’re much more interested in him now than you were in the beginning.
In other words, he learned how to act if he wants to get rejected by you and he learned how to act if he wants you to chase him. If I were in his position, I would continue acting in the way that has you chasing.
I mean, think about it. He tried it one way, it probably felt terrible to him and ultimately got him rejected. So based on that experience, he would probably make a conscious, willful effort not to get back into that position with you again.
With that said, here’s a few things to consider:
First, guys don’t chase things that they don’t think they have to chase. That is, if we know that we have you, there’s no need to chase. To build on that, if we feel that you are acting in a way that is intended to make us chase, we’ll remember it. Everyone resents being deliberately manipulated.
On the other hand, a woman who has a total wall up will not get guys to chase her. There needs to be hope and signs that we have a shot with the girl and that being with her would be incredible, even though it won’t be easy.
So what’s my clear and simple advice on having a guy chase you (or having a guy chase you again)?
- Don’t make him the center of your attention. It’s fine to be interested, but when you cross the line between interest and obsession, you run the risk of sending out that “needy” vibe. And people are inherently repelled by neediness, especially unjustified neediness.
- Keep busy. If you are busy with the rest of your life, you have less of a chance obsessing over him.
- Keep your mind under control. It’s not easy, but guys know when you’ll bend over backwards at the drop of a hat. The more that you obsess over him, the more likely you’ll repel him.
Now I know there are going to be people reading this and saying things like, “Why all the games” or “If he’s a real man he’d blah blah blah” or “If he’s the right guy, you don’t need to worry about neediness, etc. etc.”
To a point, I agree with them. This whole “game” thing doesn’t apply after two people get by their own crap.
But that’s the trick. You can’t always expect that the other person is going to be in exactly the place mentally that you want them to be in. You do, however, have tremendous power over how you think and act.
The problem with neediness isn’t actually a problem with how you interact with other people. It’s a problem with how you interact with yourself – it just manifests itself in a way that repels people and therefore becomes a relationship problem.
The other question to answer is, “Why is he doing this?”
I can’t say specifically why he is leaving you hanging, but I can tell you that when I’ve done it it’s because something else more pressing came up. It was nothing personal against the girl… I just had a lot going on and I put off responding until I had a free moment… and that free moment never came.
But again, there’s no way that you or I could know for sure. The best thing that we can do when we’re in this kind of situation is not take it personally.
It is possible that if you don’t chase him he won’t come back, but it’s much more likely that if you do chase him he won’t come back either. I mean, think of how you thought of him when he was chasing you hard at the beginning. He felt like an option and not an opportunity you needed to grab right away.
This is all my opinion based on what you’re saying, but I can tell you I’ve seen this type of thing before. It’s not easy, but in pretty much every case the best thing to do is to not chase and to not take it personally.
That’s not to say you should be cold or anything, but it definitely wouldn’t hurt to relax, get some distance from the situation and give him some space to come to you.
You might also find this quiz helpful – take the “Is He Losing Interest?” Quiz to figure out what’s going on in his head and if there’s actually an issue, the quiz will tell you what to do about it.
Hope it helps,