I was dating this guy for a few months and things were great. He was fresh out of a relationship when we met and told me off the bat he wasn’t looking for anything serious. After three months, I got sick of this arrangement and called things off. A few days later, I asked if he wanted to hang out as friends. We had an amazing time and he ended up apologizing and asking to date me again.
Things were even better this time around. He opened up even more and talked to me about his issues and insecurities. Then he ended it again saying things were only going to get more serious and he couldn’t handle it. After that we would hook up here and there but I wasn’t comfortable with the situation and said we should stop being friends with benefits and just be friends.
We still hang out here and there and text periodically. Every time we see each other we have an amazing time and I feel like we really connect. The problem is he tries to hook up with me when we hang out and I don’t want to do that unless we’re back together.
I was hoping that by staying friends he would be reminded of how well we click and was hoping he’d get over his issues. This plan doesn’t seem to be working, though. Part of me feels like he senses on some level that we’d be great together, but I also feel like if he was going to come back he would have done it by now. Will he ever come back and commit or am I wasting my time?
What you’re asking is if there’s a chance that he’d come back and commit.
I am always very careful with how I answer things and word my responses, so read this carefully so you understand it correctly…
There’s a chance a meteor might hit the Earth and wipe out everything on the planet. There’s a chance you or I might get struck by lightning. There’s a chance that one of us might win the lottery.
So sure, there’s a chance he might come back and commit… but it’s not a good bet. It’s not a strategic bet either.
When a guy knows that ultimately he’s “got” you, he can tell from a mile away when you actually mean something and when you’re just saying something…
For example, you broke up, then you sleep together, then you hang out, then he breaks up, and on and on.
Your responses to him are wishy-washy and his behavior with you is wishy-washy in response. Both of you are essentially hoping to get what you want without necessarily accepting the whole picture.
You want a committed relationship. He doesn’t.
Then, both of you do a “dance” to try and get the other person to “come around” and get on board with what the other person wants.
I think the likelihood of him wanting a committed, exclusive relationship with you is about as likely as you wanting to have a non-committed, open relationship with him.
You’re fixated on him and even though you might “know better,” the fact is you don’t want another guy… so any time there’s a remote possibility that maybe…possibly…hopefully he might maybe possibly hopefully entertain the thought of being with you, you throw all other possibilities out the window and fixate on him.
There’s no amount of “hoping” that will change a man’s mind to want to be with you. There’s no amount of wanting him and only him either…
It’s not like the movies, where one character wants the other enough and eventually the other one magically comes around and wants them back. It’s not real.
Reality is more like this…
One wishy-washy person stops being wishy-washy and really, truly moves on. Then the non-committal person begs and pleads for you back and promises everything you want. Or, they don’t and they disappear (in which case you know that they never, ever, would have committed… and no, their disappearance would not have been caused by your moving on.)
When one person truly stops accepting wishy-washy behavior, that’s when the other person shows their true cards… if there was any chance of them committing, they do whatever they can to get you back and they commit. If they don’t want to commit, they let you go… They might try to blame you and say it’s because you moved on, but that’s just their attempt to suck you back into the cycle and maintain their power position. It’s a bluff.
So the real issue here isn’t about getting him to commit – it’s about you finding a way to truly and completely move on to the point where you genuinely don’t care about being in a relationship with him anymore.
I need to make something clear about this, though, because a lot of women misinterpret what this looks like:
– This does not look like you being mean or cold or passive aggressive to him.
– This does not look like you telling him through conversation that you’ve moved on, trying to explain things, or giving him an ultimatum.
– This does not look like you trying to appear or act like you don’t care about him, while secretly praying that this will make him commit.
No. This about you silently deciding in your mind and heart that you’ve moved on 100%. It’s about ending the chapter with love and compassion for both of you. It’s about cutting things off with forgiveness for both of you and wishing both of you the best. It’s about feeling on the inside that you are freeing each other from settling for something neither of you wants… it’s not a loss, it’s a win.
Doing what you have been doing is settling. You think that it’s somehow a path that will lead you to winning and a better future, but the reality is just a continual present-day hell… and you’ll just keep getting more of it if you keep on participating in the cycle.
It won’t feel like that if you can step outside yourself and see the cycle for what it is… it will feel like some days you’re getting closer, some days you’re getting further away… ups and downs… and your mind will trick you into believing that if you somehow just found a way to have more days where you got “closer” and less days where you got “further away,” you will eventually reach your goal of having a relationship.
It’s an illusion. And it’s a trap.
A relationship IS what it is as it’s happening in that moment. People talk about a relationship status or situation as if it’s something to get to or attain. That’s an illusion too – a relationship IS what it is as you’re with the person… nothing more, nothing less… and that’s all it will ever be. Anything beyond that is just a construct of your mind and therefore… an illusion.
So here are your choices:
1) Keep doing what you’re doing. You’ll keep getting the same results, that is guaranteed… but so long as you believe in the illusion and can’t see past the futility of it, this is what most people will opt for. There is no end to it because it can only exist if you believe that there’s a salvation that exists somewhere in the future (and not now, in present reality…)
2) Move on. If you can truly and completely do this, he’ll show his true hand and he’ll either lock you down or he’ll disappear (most likely with some excuse that is best viewed as irrelevant). This will only work if you actually do move on in your mind, heart, and soul. If it’s an act–or even a shred of it is an act– you’ll still be participating in the cycle, in which case you’ll be taking path #1 while tricking yourself into thinking you’re doing path #2.
This is not easy, but choice #2 is really your only option to bring about the change you want for your life situation. The greatest value of this will not be in your relationship life, though… it will be in your relationship with yourself and your own inner growth and transformation.
And if you’ve ever heard me talk about growth, you’ve heard me say that growth feels like pain, disillusionment, and discomfort… but it is the gateway to less suffering.
Hope this helps,