Ask a Guy: Is There Any Chance this Guy Will Finally Commit? post image

Ask a Guy: Is There Any Chance this Guy Will Finally Commit?


I was dating this guy for a few months and things were great. He was fresh out of a relationship when we met and told me off the bat he wasn’t looking for anything serious. After three months, I got sick of this arrangement and called things off. A few days later, I asked if he wanted to hang out as friends. We had an amazing time and he ended up apologizing and asking to date me again.

Things were even better this time around. He opened up even more and talked to me about his issues and insecurities. Then he ended it again saying things were only going to get more serious and he couldn’t handle it.  After that we would hook up here and there but I wasn’t comfortable with the situation and said we should stop being friends with benefits and just be friends.

We still hang out here and there and text periodically. Every time we see each other we have an amazing time and I feel like we really connect. The problem is he tries to hook up with me when we hang out and I don’t want to do that unless we’re back together.

I was hoping that by staying friends he would be reminded of how well we click and was hoping he’d get over his issues. This plan doesn’t seem to be working, though. Part of me feels like he senses on some level that we’d be great together, but I also feel like if he was going to come back he would have done it by now. Will he ever come back and commit or am I wasting my time?

What you’re asking is if there’s a chance that he’d come back and commit.

I am always very careful with how I answer things and word my responses, so read this carefully so you understand it correctly…

There’s a chance a meteor might hit the Earth and wipe out everything on the planet.  There’s a chance you or I might get struck by lightning.  There’s a chance that one of us might win the lottery.

So sure, there’s a chance he might come back and commit… but it’s not a good bet.  It’s not a strategic bet either.

When a guy knows that ultimately he’s “got” you, he can tell from a mile away when you actually mean something and when you’re just saying something…

For example, you broke up, then you sleep together, then you hang out, then he breaks up, and on and on.

Your responses to him are wishy-washy and his behavior with you is wishy-washy in response. Both of you are essentially hoping to get what you want without necessarily accepting the whole picture.

You want a committed relationship.  He doesn’t.

Then, both of you do a “dance” to try and get the other person to “come around” and get on board with what the other person wants.

I think the likelihood of him wanting a committed, exclusive relationship with you is about as likely as you wanting to have a non-committed, open relationship with him.

MORE: 5 Signs He’ll Never Commit

You’re fixated on him and even though you might “know better,” the fact is you don’t want another guy… so any time there’s a remote possibility that maybe…possibly…hopefully he might maybe possibly hopefully entertain the thought of being with you, you throw all other possibilities out the window and fixate on him.

There’s no amount of “hoping” that will change a man’s mind to want to be with you.  There’s no amount of wanting him and only him either…

It’s not like the movies, where one character wants the other enough and eventually the other one magically comes around and wants them back.  It’s not real.

Reality is more like this…

One wishy-washy person stops being wishy-washy and really, truly moves on.  Then the non-committal person begs and pleads for you back and promises everything you want.  Or, they don’t and they disappear (in which case you know that they never, ever, would have committed… and no, their disappearance would not have been caused by your moving on.)

MORE: Why Guys Disappear and How to Deal

When one person truly stops accepting wishy-washy behavior, that’s when the other person shows their true cards… if there was any chance of them committing, they do whatever they can to get you back and they commit.  If they don’t want to commit, they let you go… They might try to blame you and say it’s because you moved on, but that’s just their attempt to suck you back into the cycle and maintain their power position. It’s a bluff.

So the real issue here isn’t about getting him to commit – it’s about you finding a way to truly and completely move on to the point where you genuinely don’t care about being in a relationship with him anymore.

I need to make something clear about this, though, because a lot of women misinterpret what this looks like:

– This does not look like you being mean or cold or passive aggressive to him.
– This does not look like you telling him through conversation that you’ve moved on, trying to explain things, or giving him an ultimatum.
– This does not look like you trying to appear or act like you don’t care about him, while secretly praying that this will make him commit.

No. This about you silently deciding in your mind and heart that you’ve moved on 100%.  It’s about ending the chapter with love and compassion for both of you.  It’s about cutting things off with forgiveness for both of you and wishing both of you the best.  It’s about feeling on the inside that you are freeing each other from settling for something neither of you wants… it’s not a loss, it’s a win.

Doing what you have been doing is settling.  You think that it’s somehow a path that will lead you to winning and a better future, but the reality is just a continual present-day hell… and you’ll just keep getting more of it if you keep on participating in the cycle.

It won’t feel like that if you can step outside yourself and see the cycle for what it is… it will feel like some days you’re getting closer, some days you’re getting further away… ups and downs… and your mind will trick you into believing that if you somehow just found a way to have more days where you got “closer” and less days where you got “further away,” you will eventually reach your goal of having a relationship.

It’s an illusion.  And it’s a trap.

A relationship IS what it is as it’s happening in that moment.  People talk about a relationship status or situation as if it’s something to get to or attain.  That’s an illusion too – a relationship IS what it is as you’re with the person… nothing more, nothing less… and that’s all it will ever be.  Anything beyond that is just a construct of your mind and therefore… an illusion.

So here are your choices:

1)  Keep doing what you’re doing.  You’ll keep getting the same results, that is guaranteed… but so long as you believe in the illusion and can’t see past the futility of it, this is what most people will opt for.  There is no end to it because it can only exist if you believe that there’s a salvation that exists somewhere in the future (and not now, in present reality…)

2)  Move on.  If you can truly and completely do this, he’ll show his true hand and he’ll either lock you down or he’ll disappear (most likely with some excuse that is best viewed as irrelevant).  This will only work if you actually do move on in your mind, heart, and soul. If it’s an act–or even a shred of it is an act– you’ll still be participating in the cycle, in which case you’ll be taking path #1 while tricking yourself into thinking you’re doing path #2.

This is not easy, but choice #2 is really your only option to bring about the change you want for your life situation.  The greatest value of this will not be in your relationship life, though… it will be in your relationship with yourself and your own inner growth and transformation.

And if you’ve ever heard me talk about growth, you’ve heard me say that growth feels like pain, disillusionment, and discomfort… but it is the gateway to less suffering.

Hope this helps,
eric charles

24 comments… add one

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diana

Wow, this is so right on. Hard to accept, but it is the truth. Everyone knows the truth when they hear it. Thanks a million for clearing my head and putting me on the right path.

Reply November 15, 2016, 8:51 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome – glad you liked it.

Reply November 16, 2016, 12:09 pm

Emma

I have a similar situation here. I have been with a guy for over two years now in a “casual” relationship. Both were leaving long term difficult relationships, so neither of us wanted to get serious. But, time have passed and I´m starting to get bored of this wishy-washy situation. My problem is that I don´t know exactly what I want, sometime I would like to try something serious with this guy and sometimes I want to stay the way we are. I think it is selfish to ask for something as a serious relationship if I dont even know if that is what I want. However, I´m evaluating to step back a little bit a see what happens, after all I don´t want to invest in something I don´t know its worth it.

Reply November 10, 2016, 1:02 pm

Krista

That is some poignant real talk and words that I really needed to hear today. My ex and I have kept in contact for the past month or so since we broke up and the reality is that he really likes what he gained in our relationship and although he doesn’t want that relationship anymore, he is hesitant to leave completely because I was very good to him. I just have to take the advice and walk away 100… He will be back but I have to stay strong and not continue with the vicious pattern, it only hurts me and O refuse to be an insurance policy for him, thank you for this!

Reply September 10, 2016, 1:09 pm

Robin

I stumbled across this site and I absolutely love it! Eric you are truly gifted. After 18mos I decided to end my relationship for the reason of non-commit. Before the decision I took the “does he like me quiz”. I already knew in my heart what the answer was, but to see the response in writing was jarring. I decided to stop being wishy-washy and ended it. Then I read a few articles online about the fear of intimacy and realized that was OUR issue. Point for point!! The fear of intimacy is a psychological issue that requires the “avoidant” to realize that they have an issue and the willingness to want to change. We’ve talked once or twice since the break up and he suggested going out for dinner and drinks. I considered it. I figured I could see him from time to time with NO BENEFITS. His access has been denied! However, after reading this article I may have changed my mind. Like you said, neither of us should settle for what we don’t want. I still care for him and will always consider him a friend. I am just moving on and keeping my heart open for someone who wants the same thing I do. Love, making memories and experiencing life together.

Reply January 8, 2016, 9:19 pm

Sam

Hi sabrinaFirst of all thank you so much for all your advice it really helped not to be needing and depending on my bf. Even though I am a hard working independent woman.  I have been in a relationship for nearly 6years and somehow the relationship feels like 2 stranger in a room. All we do is smoking weed and watch tv and order take away.  That is the only way of a romantic dinner for us.  Obviously not for me because I would prefer going out for a dinner or go watch a movie in cinema,  but my bf isn’t interest. I have told him so many times I would love to go for a dinner instead and he be like ok. Let me know when and where. He never takes any initiative and try surprise me or any at all. Since I have been reading your emails I have distance myself from him and just focused on my work family and friends. I think it really bothers him that is not around 24/7 and he doesn’t know what I am upto. So he will text a snicky and sweet text to find where I am or what I am upto.  I am soo tired of just making him happy and he is not return the favour. Plus in nearly 6years relationship we never talked about marriage. I have tried to talk to him about but he is always avoiding that subject. I really had enough of him and I am ready to dump him. But I just can’t get the words out of my mouth when I am with him I feel like I am totally different person even though I am not happy from inside. My friends don’t understand that I just can’t get over and than with.  Pleaseee help me. I need one to one advice asap. Sam

Reply October 8, 2015, 2:08 am

Crystal

I have been dating a guy for over a year and we got pregnant he claims he isn’t seeing anyone else and that he enjoys time with me and misses me not just our son when we are not around but he won’t commit he has had failed marriages and says he wants us to build a good relationship but he won’t put a lankest on us he says he not seeing anyone else that his free time is me and his son and that he likes being with us and enjoys our time together but he has commitment issues I don’t know if he just saying that bc he really is seeing other people or what why else would he not want a relationship and build a life together he says he considers me family but is that just bc of the baby? He has told me I can move on if that’s what he sees me doing bc we do have an age difference I’m 29 and he 42 in his mind that plays a role and he has said that he don’t want that and him get hurt but what about me buy he is all I want and can’t make him see that. do I keep waiting or try to move on best I can

Reply April 3, 2015, 5:32 pm

Donna

Dear Eric, You are so intuitively gifted in this area. I was dating a man for four and a half years. We went to high school together. He asked me out then and I said no. So this time we are both divorce and I said yes. Well it has not turned out well. I am an older adult. And I did give him and ultimatum and I am glad I did. we own are own homes and live 35 miles apart. But I needed to finally know the truth. MY mother did this with my Dad. they dated four years and she said come back with a ring or don’t come back . He came back with a ring. As we mature life is precious and we don’t want to waist a minute. He hasn’t called. So now I am dating my best guy friend of 16 years and we are having a blast. Can’t wait to see where this goes. So ladies it is never to late. I am yes 63 years young a personal trainer and he is 57 yrs. young. It is never to late. So take heart if it isn’t working it won’t . Go find someone who wants to commit. In four dates we are now girlfriend and boyfriend. And it is easy and this is the way it is suppose to be. We can talk about anything because we really know each other. We use to work together for 10 years and remained in touch. Eric you are wise beyond your years and have a calling .You are changing peoples lives for the better. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply February 21, 2015, 3:24 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much for the message. I really appreciate it.

Reply February 21, 2015, 3:54 pm

Rebekah

I have to say, this website is gold. When I first stumbled across it, I hated it- I thought it was way too blunt and made me feel miserable about the situations I was in (which no one ever wants to feel). Over the last year or so, I’ve been really trying to open myself up to advice like this and really examining what it is that I could be doing differently. It hurt, it was hard to hear, and it scared the crap out of me- but it’s helping.

I’ve been in a situation where I’ve been settling. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been seeing what that has been doing to me. A friend suggested I give my guy an ultimatum, but that just didn’t feel right and I didn’t think it would work. We’ve since had a disagreement and haven’t spoke in over a week. I’ve been really torn about how I feel- sometimes I’m happy to be able to let the right thing into my life, other times I’ve missed what we had together. I am glad that I am getting this push to really love myself and be confident that I can be happier, both with how I feel about myself and with the relationships I’m having- friendships or otherwise.

Thanks for this amazing work, Eric. It’s really helping open my eyes to all of the barriers I’ve had in my life- romantic or otherwise.

Reply January 31, 2015, 10:37 am

Eric Charles

Thanks for the comment…

You know, as much as I talk about how I don’t sugarcoat, it’s never my intention to be harsh or upsetting in any of the stuff I write.

At the same time… if there’s a bubble that I have to burst because it’s going to lead to you getting your heart broken, wasting your time or walking down a bad path… then yes, you better believe that I will burst that bubble.

I’m glad that you stuck with us here and glad to hear that things are going better for you.

Reply February 21, 2015, 4:12 pm

R

Dear Eric,

thank you for the article.
I was in a similar situation and followed your advice. As you said, guy showed up after a few weekes, (I think he was seeing some other girl in the meantime). He started to casually text and chat on facebook, then he started to pursue me even more than in the beggining, asking to see me, he wanted to make plans. But guess what? As you mentioned in the article, I found a way to “truly and completely move on to the point where you genuinely don’t care about being in a relationship with him anymore.”

The thing is, once I get to that place, I don’t want him back, no matter what he does or promises (maybe because of the thought that if he didn’t care enough to keep me in the beggining, he might as well stop caring afterwords).

So my question is – is there a way to let go by leaving just a little krack of the door open? I’m not sure how other people deal with this situations, but for me, once I’ve moved on, I can never go back. What do you think?

Reply November 5, 2014, 11:08 am

Maria

Hi,

Here is my situation. I met this guy three weeks ago on a trip with my best friend to go spend time with her boyfriend. We went out on night, the last night of the two-night trip and while they were off being lovey-dovey, we managed to talk and really get to know and like each other. He showed me the Little Dipper, I sand kareoke for the first time we both found out we liked pizza it was magical. Anyway fast-forward a week later I asked my best friend for his number and she asked him and told him I wanted it. Made me look totally desperate and I couldn’t exactly play hard to get anymore so I messaged him first. He messaged back and we got to talking about everything, marriage, kids, past relationships our parents our siblings the works! Now it’s been a week and this guy has showered me with compliments and plans for the next time I visit his island and said that someday he wants to marry me and that he told his family about me and tons of statuses about love and finding the only one you want to be with and even one calling me his girl. This would usually scare me but I have been falling just as hard as he has. I’ve given him little nicknames, called him baby, complimented him as well, told him I adored him, send him little voice to let him know I was thinking about him all just to match his behaviour because I was determined to let him lead the relationship and to me he was leading it down a fast fast road. But then we were having a conversation where I told him I’m not used to not taking the lead in the relationship (in reference to past relationships) and he asked if I was talking about us and I asked are we even and “us” yet really? And he said No. Just no. Not no, not yet just no. Now that leaves me thinking we tell me all that you told me and then say we are not a couple? I am not crazy, its waaaaay too soon for all that we are doing or to even be a couple but he took it there and now he’s left me wondering if we are not a couple but you’re saying all these things what am I really to him? Does this have a future? Does he do this with every girl? Am I just listening to sweet nothings and being sold on lies? He has created an insecurity in this non-relationship that has left me thinking its best if I just step back , relax my efforts and focus on everything and everyone else but him. He doesn’t seem like the player type but he sure knew how to treat me right. I am so confused. What do you think, did we just ruin this non-relationship? Should we scrap it and I should just move on?

Reply November 3, 2014, 9:20 am

Telma

Eric, thanks for the biggest WOW I had have in the past several weeks! I’m trying to get our from the cycle and, it has been painful, even though I know I have , I want to move on. It’s hard, it’s difficult because I think I really loved, or love, this man… I know one thing: you’re right in every word you said. I had tears in my eyes reading and thinking how many times I allowed myself to accept him back, and I knew he wouldn’t commit the way I wanted. What a waste of time, or better say, what a growth time I’m having since then. I thought giving him and the relationship another chance, I would have him commited to me. The relationship is what it’s . I’m out of the circle now. I’m healing. I’m good. I’ll get there. I love myself, I’m confident that one day I’ll find the real one. No rush. You’re awesome Eric. Thanks a bunch sweetie pie:)! Telma

Reply August 31, 2014, 1:43 am

Amy

Eric, This is a great article and very well written, thank you. I am in a similar situation and can relate to it a lot and love the wishy washy part. However, what if you are in the part where you are still engaging and on the verge of ending the wishy washy. So I am ready to move on and I don’t want to give an ultimatum but I do want to say that I decided not to continue a casual relationship, I don’t want to just disappear. How do you handle that without explaining your feelings, or giving an ultimatium?

Reply August 1, 2014, 2:47 pm

Johanna

Amy, I’m in a similar situation now, moving on for the 1000th time haha but somehow I know that this time I’m going to get this right. However, why do you want to handle this without explaining your feelings? I think you should go about this in a completely opposite way, i.e. say exactly how you feel, and only that. Say something like: I love you (if you do…) but I don’t want to hang out/go out with you/see you/ pretend we’re just friends any more, because I feel really horrible and frustrated and this casual relationship is just not working for me, because ultimately I am looking for something different. Therefore, I have decided that I’m not going to see you anymore.
That’s it.

Reply September 20, 2014, 6:36 am

Amy

Thanks Johana, I ended up having that conversation and luckily I did talk about my feelings but didn’t say love. I mean, he didn’t give me enough to love him, but there were times I felt I was falling in love. So anyway, I ended up saying what you posted in a similar way. Except he wants to be friends and I had to say no to get together 2 weeks after that conversation. I just said I wasn’t ready to hang out as friends.

Reply September 22, 2014, 5:40 pm

Elle

Eric,
Thank you so much for writing this. I really needed to read that. The illusion got the best of me every time, but after going back and forth for two years I’ve realized that the best thing for me is to move on from this guy. It hurts like hell, but I know in my heart that we’re not right for each other.

Reply February 28, 2014, 12:07 am

G

Eric,

I told my guy that I am ready for a relationship. He said he is not ready right now and that he’s not in the right position. I understood and want to move on. But for the first few days he kept asking me out and I had to tell him on the third time that I’m happy I’ve gotten to know him but what I want now is different from his but he didn’t say anything.

I guess my question is, if he asks me out again, how should I handle the situation wherein I could make sure that his intentions are the same with mine now? Obviously I like him but had to give him up because we want different things now. The problem was, he asked me over text so I don’t want to confront him over text. I guess I shouldn’t just respond? What do you think?

Reply February 25, 2014, 2:55 am

Mel

Love this article! just what i needed. And thanks for responding M i need to follow your footsteps and do the same.

Reply January 29, 2014, 12:20 am

J

So glad I came across this!
I am going through the same thing! But the both of us got so scared of the connection that was developing! I want to commit in some way but he’s still scared 🙁

Reply January 28, 2014, 1:50 am

Patricia

I really needed to read this today. Thanks Eric, for not sugar-coating it.

Reply January 21, 2014, 11:48 pm

M

This was originally a question I submitted to Eric back in early Dec so I thought I would give an update of what has happened since. Following his reality check email I went into overdrive working on myself…asking myself questions like “why I wanted to be with someone who wouldn’t commit” and just generally trying to look at what I really wanted out of life and put myself out there. This guy engaged a few times over the course of Dec and I always replied as short and sweet as possible, forgot about it and went about my life. I ran into him one night two weeks ago. He asked if we could hook up. I replied :”No offence, but I kind of feel that random sex with someone I used to date is beneath me”. He immediately asked if we would meet up regularily then. I replied: “I so don’t do casual relationships”. He asked to get back together. Sucpisous of him going to zero to sixty in less than 5 minutes I replied: “It was fun dating you before but ultimately I’m looking for something a lot more serious than what we had so I think you did the right thing by breaking it off”. The past two weekends since then he asked to come over each sunday afternoon after his soccer game which is close to my house. He spends the time playing with my son, has not asked to hook back up and has generally just been really sweet. I’m not thinking about any of this too much and am carrying on dating and having fun. I’m in such a better place now and although I’m open to a relationship with this guy happeneing if the circumstances are right, I’m definity not making it my focus.

Reply January 21, 2014, 6:05 pm

Eric Charles

Hey M, thanks a lot for the comment and follow-up. That’s great to hear… I think the biggest win here is how you gained perspective and, from there, you were able to start living in line with what you really wanted.

You weren’t manipulative, dishonest, mean, cold or angry. You were just honest and in line with what you wanted. And from the looks of it, it sounds like he’d rather have a committed relationship with you than to have nothing at all.

Like you said, you’re open to a relationship but you’re not making it your focus. Sounds like a good line of thinking… stay on this path and no matter what, you’ll be in a good place.

Glad to hear this update and thanks for taking the time to write this.

Reply January 21, 2014, 8:28 pm

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