Ask A Guy: My Boyfriend Watches Porn post image

Ask A Guy: My Boyfriend Watches Porn


What’s the deal with guys and porn?  My boyfriend and I have been together for a year.

I get that guys watch porn I guess, I will never understand it, but I’ve grown to accept it.

But how much is too much? Is there such a thing? I’m not going to lie, it does make me uncomfortable.

I did something and I admit I was wrong for doing it, but I went through my boyfriends e-mails and found a video that he had made and an e-mail that he sent to another girl saying sexual things. Would this be considered cheating?

OK, you’ve got two separate questions going on up there, so let me address each thing individually.

First, the porn… When you get down to it, you have to realize that men are biologically different than women, as is what they respond to sexually.  What men respond to and what women respond to is massively different.  I’m not saying there’s no overlap, but it’s more different than it is similar.

There’s all sorts of evidence for this – I mean, for one, look at porn consumption.  Men watch porn, women just read it (I mean if you think Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t “girl porn”, I don’t know what to tell you.)

Men and women are turned on by different things because of how we’re wired by nature.  We never chose it and neither did women.

So when you say that you don’t understand why guys watch porn, well, that makes sense.  Clearly men and women have different internal responses in the realm of sexuality.

When women ask me questions about men and porn, what they’re really asking is, “Is he looking at porn because I’m not enough?” or “Does his porn habit mean that I don’t turn him on anymore?” or “Is his interest in porn a sign that he isn’t satisfied in the relationship?”

At the core, the reason women ask me about men and porn is because they want to know if it’s a red flag about his feelings for her.

So here’s a few things to consider…

First off (this might sound a bit crude), men have to get the poison out.  I’m not saying a guy has to have sex, but if he doesn’t ejaculate after a certain amount of time, his body will do it for him.  That’s what a wet dream is – you’ve got so much man-batter in you that you ejaculate in your sleep.

I can’t speak for a woman’s experience, but nature has instilled men with an insatiable urge for sexual release.  One “load” from a guy has enough sperm to impregnate a country’s worth of women and men are “ready to fire” at least once a day… and that’s a very conservative statement.

If he’s got a good amount of testosterone going through his system, his level of sexual desire is much higher than the average guy.  Diet, muscle mass, heavy weightlifting, etc. are all factors that contribute to higher testosterone and, simply, the higher the testosterone levels, the higher the sex drive and need to “release”.

On one hand it’s fun, but on another hand it’s inconvenient and uncomfortable.  Then add a layer of the shaming our society likes to put around sexuality and you can understand why men run to their private porn retreat… they want relief from the throbbing, relentless biological cravings.

When a woman really realizes the biological burden (and secondary social-shame burden) men walk around with, you can understand that a man’s sexuality is something he has to deal with and take care of frequently.  It has nothing to do with love… or his feelings for you… or the quality of your relationship…

… and it has everything to do with his own personal biology.

If you’ve read other things I’ve written, you’ve seen me say that for a man, love and sex are two totally separate worlds in a man’s mind.  If you are concerned about the state of your relationship, then look at how he’s relating to you, not his porn consumption.

Granted, I do highly encourage everyone to aspire towards living a healthy lifestyle with exercise and fitness.  Not just for the aesthetic elements like looking more attractive and “hotter” to him sexually, but also because it will make you feel more confident, happier and more radiant.

Most men find the typical “porn stars” to be kind of over-the-top and artificial… it is far more sexy to by with a real woman who is genuinely turned on and into sex.  So if the thought of him watching porn intimidates you on some level, then finding ways to genuinely enjoy sex with him more might be helpful.

Let’s switch gears now to the other part of your question…

You said you went through his email and found videos and evidence that he’s communicating sexually with some other woman.

I mean, that’s a tricky thing… I can tell you that I’ve had a girl or two invade my privacy and I dumped them immediately.  For most guy’s, it’s an absolute deal-breaker so be careful.

I’m not hear to moralize or lecture you – that’s not what I’m about.  I will say that the reason that you went through his private correspondence is because, in your gut, you don’t trust him.  You don’t feel that he’s totally into you or totally committed.

Now, that may or may not be the reality – I’m just saying that’s how imagine you feel.  At this point, though, you’ve already started down the path of snooping and you saw more than you were supposed to see.

Maybe it’s nothing… maybe he’s not satisfied in his relationship with you.  The only thing you can do is continue to invade his privacy further, all the meanwhile drowning in your own fears and paranoia… or…

You could start paying attention to a much better indicator on your relationship – how much effort does he put in to keep you around.  Look at the situation objectively – how much effort does he put into keeping you happy?  How much effort does he put into connecting with you, talking with you and being there for you?  How much attention does he give to you specifically?  How often does he make you a priority in his life?

Ask yourself those questions and really look at your relationship objectively – that’s where you’ll find the answer.  I’d even go so far as to say you already know the answer in your heart, you just wanted help moving through your thoughts about the situation.

Good luck and hope it helps,

eric charles

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lostwithnoclue

Ok i read most of what every1 has to no I’d like to know if u can answer my question ok me & my bf or going on 3 yrz and in the first 2yrz our sex life had been fabulous he show me things ive never experienced b4 with my ex of 118yrz and he likes to watch porn and so do i we role play we do it all i had never told him no to anything he want done to him or what he wanted to do to me, UNTIL u cheated on me not 1 time but 3 and I took him 2 time cuz i chose to but the last time he beg me back so I once again chose to not cuz I need him but because I truly LOVE him he a great man but I told him b4 I let back home Id never be able to trust he like I did becuz he broke that & it hurt me now I admit after that our sex life change not by him but by me I had stop doing sum of the things he’d ask of me becuz of 3 reason ANGER HURT DISCUSS…OK well keep in mind we would have sex but it didnt feel the same but because I LOVE him & of I want to pleasure him some how but then out of no where we went 4m have sex 4 times a day all month long to 2times a day maybe 4 2weeks but different days then to 5 days out the month and now when we do have sex I can honest say I start off being end the mood but I lost all interest in watch porn with & do what he ask I just want ordinary missionary sex becuz he dont touch me like he use to he wont even look at me the same way he say its not me its him but I sat and talked with him of how it make me feel cuz he’s a man of romance but he has tried little jester 4 me but then he lets that macho pride take over & I have explained to him how he makes me feel & what I would love to feel from him as he explained the same to me becuz I was at the point I could care less if we had sex or not and I gave him the choice to break free 4m our relationship with no hard feelings we could have stayed friends but he tells me he loves me & doesn’t want what we have go but yet I dnt understand if he tells me I’m a gud women with a great heart but yet makes me feel totally diferent… I told him he’s going to lose what we have cuz to me I feel he dnt take me serious that I not here to play house I need to feel that I am all he wants & needs cuz he cranks alot jokes & Im not about playing games… dont get me wrong I dnt want to lose him & his kids but I dnt ask 4 much I dnt ever pressure him I dnt talk down to him no matter what mood Im in I always remind him what a beautiful person he is & I do all a mother would do 4 her spouse & kids I dnt worry about guess I make they come 1 & he’s da same way all he lacks is being able to let go of all that macho pride & learn to trust & believe me that I will not cheat on him cuz Ive been thur 2 relationship where ive been cheated on & plus I’ll never give any man any reason to think I’d stood to there leave becuz Ill beable to be the 1to walk away and not feel like it was my fault my relationship dnt work I’m not saying I’m the perfect female cuz I have my falws & I admit to my mistake I very honest regardless of the outcome and he has asked me way was I with him cuz I can make it on my own and I tell I know but I not with him 4 what he can buy or pay 4 me cuz stilsti tell now I pay all my own bills by choice & so he can understand I not with him 4 he money Im with him cuz I truly LOVE him but he needs to trust & believe in me cuz he also was in a relationship of 23yrz and she cheated & hurt him so I no or I think he feels cuz he made a mistake that I’m going to do the same thing back….cuz his past relationship they both did things to each out of revenge & anger so now he compares all females to his ex and I’ve told him he needs to let go of the hurt and trust me that I’m in it for the long run but if he dnt believe that we need to let go b4 we make ourselves become enemies…. So my question is what am I or how do I handle my situation cuz I just start giving back sum trust I dnt want to feel I made a mistake & open my heart again just to get hurt again

Reply December 28, 2015, 7:17 am

Like to leave no name thanks

See I have an issue with porn in the regards of it messes with (some Not all) guys heads royally and I know this as I lost someone I cared about deeply because they had watched porn that gave them seriously messed up ideas on what was acceptable to do to a woman in the flesh we are talking things here like mind breaking hard core rape etc so whilst some guys can watch porn with no ill effects some guys can not and it hurts not only them but the ones they love

Reply October 14, 2015, 2:14 am

Eric Charles

That’s terrible and I’m truly sorry to hear that.

Saying a guy watches porn is like saying a guy reads books — there’s a vast vast vast selection of what he’s viewing… and (with all due respect) I think that the selection of what a person chooses to watch suggests there may have been something underlying beforehand.

We have violent movies, violent video games, violent TV shows… and these are watched by millions… millions that do not view it as something to even remotely consider acting out in real life.

Me personally? I don’t even watch horror movies because there’s no part of me that wants to see that or think about that. No satisfaction or pleasure comes to me through that and when people say they want to watch a horror movie with me, I say no thanks… why? Because I have a choice and I’m not interested.

This guy had a choice and he was interested… so interested, apparently, that he decided to act it out… and was punished accordingly. I don’t see this as any different than a person who watches violent movies and then does something violent… and blames the movies for making him do it.

It’s horrible, it’s sad, it’s tragic — but I think people need to be responsible for their actions and not blame entertainment they chose to watch.

Reply October 14, 2015, 9:15 pm

Melissa

so I’m very open minded and very experienced in bed (very good at it) I love being kinky and I’m down for what ever… I don’t mind watching porn with him but when it becomes every single time we have sex we “have to watch porn” then he’s more focused on the tv than me it becomes very annoying what do I do

Reply August 12, 2015, 3:56 am

BAM

I wish I had gotten here sooner. So, heres my theoretical counter. I’m not saying women want to do this, but I have noticed double standards when it comes to men and porn and women and porn. Here goes.

So, men can look at other woman on the internet to jack off yes? It is a release thing. It is necessary. It is needed because it is a ‘safe way’ to get sex and not be cheating.
Ok. Fine.

Then when us women NEED attention, and need to know that we are still sexy, and need are still worthy of attention (because our boyfriends are off faping to fake bimbos on whatever device screen)… we should be able to post a naked pictures/videos of ourselves online, for all other men to see and think: “Damn yeah! You are hot enough that I would have sex with you in real life” and fap away to us. And it shouldn’t be cheating, your boyfriend should not be bothered, because it was filling one of our needs, our need for attention.

Even further. If a girlfriend wanted to become a porn star or one of those people online who talks to guys and gives them a private shows on the internet for money… It ALSO shouldn’t be an issue. I mean, I’d be getting paid. It would be an economic need. I need a good paying job. And of course we can separate our work life from our home life right? It’s just a job. As porn for men is just filling a need.

I’m just saying, if a guy is going to say they need porn for their needs, and that they can separate it from their relationship.. well us women can do all that too. !
But the point is, WE have more self control and respect for our partners than that.

But you know, if worse comes to worse, try that and turn porn around on your boyfriend. The idea of other guys faping to his girlfriend will probably bother him and then you will see just how ‘separate’ porn and their relationships really are.

BAM.

Reply November 18, 2014, 10:20 am

Girafa Ponkan

I like what you are saying! A lot! 😀 If we are going to be egotistical about it… It’s all about his needs right? And women feel bad because they feel insecure? They should be able to feel their needs too! With WHATEVER needed to be done. And if his feelings are hurt in the process, they should just learn how to deal with it, as we’ve done forever. <3

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:43 am

sallie

A few months ago, my boyfriends brothers girlfriend had found porn on the computer ib their living room. His girlfriend and his brother had a massive argument about it however his brother was in complete denial. Then only yesterday i found porn on the computer this time. I spoke to my boyfriend asking if it was him he said no it was his brother, he then was joking around saying how looks at a hamsters porn website. I felt relived but i was edgy because he was too and i knew he was telling a lie. Then 10 mins later i went on his phone, i saw the exactly same thing. ‘busty’ ‘hot teenagers’ with a load of other things. I felt so hurt that he lied to me and i still do now. The fact that he obviously looked at them and felt it wasn’t good enough so he went in the computer to get a closer look. I feel so ugly, now he looked up hot teenagers and other things like hard blowjobs. I know there is nothing i can do now because he will carry on i wont be able to for fill him, he will be thinking of them or suggesting other ways to do it like those other girls. He said his cousin looked at them however his cousin didn’t have his phone and he wasn’t there at that time. He then said it was an advert but since its been googled searched i know hes lying. He always says why are you looking at them for? When in honestly not. He gets paranoid whenever we go outside. Just knowing hes done this seeing girls naked, when he would have a go at me for looking at boys with clothes on however i don’t. I feel like the relationship was based on lies and he was looking at other girls along because he knows he can get some one more attractive and would be prepared to do anything for him. I feel a massive part of trust has been lost and he is willing to trust. However afterwards he was really upset and said he didn’t want to lose me. But now i will never know if he does it again because he will be more careful looking it up. What shall i do?

Reply October 30, 2014, 4:06 am

Spanglish

1. STOP basing your happiness on someone else. Your man is there to be your companion in life – not to fulfill your every need for happiness. Even if he tries hard 24 hours a day he cannot fulfill you. ONLY YOU CAN FULFILL YOU. Get a hobby just for you and excel at it. Take care of yourself for YOU. Start exercising, doing your hair every day and dressing attractively FOR YOU. Don’t worry what he thinks about it. Trust me, the first day you doll yourself up and adopt a miss independent attitude, he won’t know what hit him. Start trying to understand what YOU need to be happy.
2. Men are visual. Period. I have talked to a number of guys about this and they all to a number say the same thing. Porn is entertainment. It is like the most fun, juicy movie they could ever see and it’s free. They are not contacting porn stars and they don’t want you to look or act like one. The only thing I can liken it to is online shopping for women. Think of an item you really like, makeup, clothes, jewelry. Whatever that item is it’s really attractive to you isn’t it. You could browse 16 hours a day on makeup blogs and websites. You would do it for a job if you could. Porn is literally like that for men. He is a little boy in a candy store.
3. STOP worrying about other people’s body parts. The size, shape, what they will do or won’t do. It is ANIMALS doing what ANIMALS do. DO NOT base your self worth on what ANIMALS are doing with two bags of fat and a hard muscle. Sex is an animal instinct. It is not morally tied to anything. It is not shameful and it is not bad. It’s frigging FUN.
4. STOP trying to police, check and mother away the porn. Leave his privacy alone. Worry about HOW HE TREATS YOU and how much time he puts into the relationship with you. If he is doing nothing to make the relationship good that means you will end up unfulfilled anyway and just move on.
5. If you think you’re going to find a man who does not watch porn, good luck. They ALL do. I suppose there are some tibetan monks and hari krishna types out there who don’t but do you really want an effeminate man in robes?? Aside from that, all the dudes in church, all the guys at the charity dinner, all the school teachers of the year would refuse to hand you their phone if you asked to check the history on their browser. You have to come to terms with this. If you don’t you will constantly be seeking happiness from outside yourself.
6. You can’t stop a liar and a cheater. Masturbation is a rightful part of anyone’s PRIVATE life. It is none of your business. But the guy who moves into hookup sites or chat rooms or contacting girls is a CHEATER and that is a deal breaker. If he is doing that he has no personal character and will drag you down into his lies. Ask him point blank if he is doing this, gauge his answer and get away from him if you find evidence that he is.
7. Flat out ASK your boyfriend if he is looking for something else so that you can move on. Tell him you’ve seen the types he is looking at and you don’t fit the bill. Tell him if he is looking for something else to tell you so that you can go find someone who is truly interested in a life with you.

Reply December 2, 2015, 6:10 pm

Jennifer

So, if a guy has all the opportunity in the world to have sex with his wife after she gets off work, but Would rather watch porn and jack off all day is okay? Because his body ‘needs’ ro ejaculate…

Reply December 17, 2013, 5:33 pm

Eric Charles

Lol… Do you honestly think that’s what I’m saying here?

Reply December 17, 2013, 10:18 pm

Cath

Biologically, wouldn’t it be much more evolutionary to have sex than masturbate to porn? I understand the need to ejaculate once per day however, and am all for masturbation if necessary but I’m actually pretty anti-porn due to the effects it has on the brain and the view of women that it creates for men. Also sex slavery really worries me. What if your daughter or sister got stolen for the sex trade and men masturbated to it. I know that’s far fetched and doesn’t happen all the time, and I know that there is decent porn out there, where the actors and actresses truly enjoy it. But watching porn is such a gamble, it can be so addictive and relationship-ruining. And for what point? Why can’t you just masturbate using your own imagination and just completely feel and listen to your body? We shouldn’t need visual stimulation. Have you ever tried not watching porn?

I understand that some man can watch porn occasionally without getting too deep into the trap, or down too many weird paths however it can be addictive and detrimental. My partner had started watching genres of porn that he thought were disgusting 5 years ago which is why he decided to give it up. Sometimes after we have sex my boyfriend masturbates as well but he is normally OK with one ejaculation per day. If we are unable to have sex I completely understand if he needs to masturbate, but what’s the point of porn? He has gone without porn for nearly 6 months and he says he feels great (after watching porn sometimes 3 times per day, causing him to be unable to have sex). He still craves it though, which makes me really curious into the effects of porn.
I’m trying to be open minded and not too anti-porn, and I understand that there is no need to get jealous or insecure but I do wish everyone would at least try giving it up and just masturbating naturally.

Reply February 9, 2015, 7:53 pm

Joey m

I don’t agree with the dismissal of porn in this article. I am a guy, and I’m in sex addicts anonymous. I had a serious problem with porn, and though I would never admit it at the time, it kept me from really having a relationship with a woman. And I had some pretty awesome hot women come into my life. I was just so numb from the porn that I couldn’t notice, my taste buds were all worn out. There is such a thing as not wanting intimacy. I had 1 million justifications for why the woman in my life were, jealous, insecure, and that I needed to get rid of them. The problem with a man’s brain is that as you said, we are wired different, so therefore we should stay away from porn not make it okay. It’s confusing to our sexuality and if the woman that a man loves gets hurt by it, why would it be a good thing? Whatever a guy or girl gets off two is what they are forming an emotional relationship with. It’s taking me too long to get over the urge to, just satisfy the urge. I realized that it is degrading to the woman i’m with. I tried to rationalize how this wasn’t true blah blah blah but the truth of the matter is that objectifying women on the computer was making me objective by women that were walking around, I couldn’t help it I looked at everyone as a sex object because they had reminded me of someone in the porn. This is not cool to random woman who don’t even know me. This is hard for me to say, but if A guy or girl can’t stop watching porn there’s a problem. Just like if someone can’t stop eating too much, or drinking too much alcohol, if it gets in the way of your relationships. Is it really worth it? I guess that’s what you have to ask yourself at the end of the day. If you have to lie about it, is it really worth it?

Reply February 26, 2015, 10:07 pm

Girafa Ponkan

“Just like if someone can’t stop eating too much, or drinking too much alcohol, if it gets in the way of your relationships. Is it really worth it?”
That’s the bottom line. If it’s hurting someone, do something about it! I watch it, and if this or any of my habits became a problem I’m sure I would adress it! (Btw I’m a girl)

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:47 am

Sapphyreopal5

Am I the only woman who can relate to men in this fashion (or at least understand)? If you ask me, porn isn’t a problem unless:
– it’s interfering with your sexual life (or even replacing it almost if not all the way) or other aspects of your relationship (and no personal insecurities don’t count here as they are YOUR insecurities afterall)
– he expects you to look and act like the porn stars he sees in the videos. Chances are, he knows porn is more fantasy and nothing more or less
– he is sexting other women and/or is getting pornography from women via email, text messaging, etc.
– he actually has pornographic images, videos, etc. stored on his computer of women he actually knows (yes I’ve had this happen to me in the past)
– he is watching it in front of you or when you are in another room and is aware of how uncomfortable it makes you feel (now that is just being disrespectful)

If you ask me, it’s not just about sexual biology but just how the human biology works generally speaking. Humans naturally want to get the most out of their efforts. People want to make as little effort as possible and get the maximum amount of pleasure they can from this (goes for food, sex, exercise, etc.). This applies to pornography and masturbating to it. Sometimes masturbating to pornography means that: you are making the effort to please just yourself, touching yourself the way you like it, and then orgasming all for a lot less effort.

Do you really expect you and your significant other or whatever you want to call your business with someone else to be on the same page sexually forever and on a regular basis? It’s literally almost impossible to have sex with someone each and every single time they are horny. If you are at work, if you are on a business trip or some other personal trip elsewhere, or are otherwise busy doing something else and your lover isn’t closeby and you happen to be horny, do you REALLY expect them to come to you (or you go to them) for a booty call? Come on now. Pornography is sometimes just that: a temporary substitute.

Let him enjoy his pornography or heck, why not JOIN in while he’s watching and tell him you’d like him to do some of those things to you should you like what you see? Come on, don’t let a woman who is clearly inaccessible intimidate you; show him what he is missing out on should you catch him in the act. Or if you want to be daring, make some porn just for him; I mean, what man wouldn’t LOVE watching his woman masturbate while shouting his name in pleasure or seeing sexy pictures of his lover (should be done with discretion of course if you go this route)?

All should of course be done within REASON:)

Reply July 30, 2013, 10:27 pm

CK

I do agree with you as well so no you are not the only one feeling this!!! I once was that girl…. the one who complained until I’ve learned better porn is no problem in most cases some women are offended because some feel I already know and cant be taught what I already know, listen everybody learn something new daily, rather then complained then learned to roll play just like they do in the porn video, it can be fun try it and don’t knock it until you have tried it, just do your own style I didn’t like porn at first but thanks to a lot of them saved me from looking like an a**, watching with him gave me enough to learned him I did what I’ve seen and he laugh at me and said I see someone being paying some attention and afterwards gave it to me good, we been having fun every since, then one day I ask him if he loved me then all hell broke lose ( on my beliefs ) because I was the one who was upset because he wouldn’t answer the ? now he never he did or he didn’t I got upset with him even thought of walking out on him, because I loved him so much and deep down I knew he loved me as well, the part I couldn’t get is why he couldn’t tell me he love me ( I seek help and I found Eric Charles that explained to me about men) here I am responding to your answer in the book described all the things he was doing as well to the t, when I read that I thought of our previous arguments he also said im not making you happy any more I don’t get it you get the best of my world I work over time trying to please you and make you happy you are the only girl im talking to obviously when I important gigs who’s there u, when I took a two weeks vacation who did I spend that with u, hey no one else is there but u, why are you so mad at me. because u wouldn’t say I love you verbally, after reading Eric Charles and Sabrina book it opened my eyes up wide he does loves me he just shows rather then says it now we back to where they relationship should be in fact we getting married in June 2014

Reply October 31, 2013, 9:39 am

Girafa Ponkan

Yeah, you have to have a real motive, and not just because you don’t like it! Loved your comment! 🙂

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:50 am

Sapphyreopal5

Am I the only woman who can relate to men in this fashion (or at least understand)? If you ask me, porn isn’t a problem unless:
– it’s interfering with your sexual life (or even replacing it almost if not all the way) or other aspects of your relationship (and no personal insecurities don’t count here as they are YOUR insecurities afterall)
– he expects you to look and act like the porn stars he sees in the videos. Chances are, he knows porn is more fantasy and nothing more or less
– he is sexting other women and/or is getting pornography from women via email, text messaging, etc.
– he actually has pornographic images, videos, etc. stored on his computer of women he actually knows (yes I’ve had this happen to me in the past)
– he is watching it in front of you or when you are in another room and is aware of how uncomfortable it makes you feel (now that is just being disrespectful)

If you ask me, it’s not just about sexual biology but just how the human biology works generally speaking. Humans naturally want to get the most out of their efforts. People want to make as little effort as possible and get the maximum amount of pleasure they can from this (goes for food, sex, exercise, etc.). This applies to pornography and masturbating to it. Sometimes masturbating to pornography means that: you are making the effort to please just yourself, touching yourself the way you like it, and then orgasming all for a lot less effort.

Do you really expect you and your significant other or whatever you want to call your business with someone else to be on the same page sexually forever and on a regular basis? It’s literally almost impossible to have sex with someone each and every single time they are horny. If you are at work, if you are on a business trip or some other personal trip elsewhere, or are otherwise busy doing something else and your lover isn’t closeby and you happen to be horny, do you REALLY expect them to come to you (or you go to them) for a booty call? Come on now. Pornography is sometimes just that: a temporary substitute.

Let him enjoy his pornography or heck, why not JOIN in while he’s watching and tell him you’d like him to do some of those things to you should you like what you see? Come on, don’t let a woman who is clearly inaccessible intimidate you; show him what he is missing out on should you catch him in the act. Or if you want to be daring, make some porn just for him; I mean, what man wouldn’t LOVE watching his woman masturbate while shouting his name in pleasure or seeing sexy pictures of his lover (should be done with discretion of course if you go this route)?

All should of course be done within REASON of course 🙂

Reply July 30, 2013, 10:27 pm

Tanya

But why would a guy choose porn over a real woman? I would love to have sex several times a day or at least once a day. But if my boyfriend rejects me & only will have sex with me once a week or once every two weeks, how can he justify looking at porn when I’m more than willing to have sex? That is something I can’t understand.

Reply May 27, 2013, 6:48 am

A

I have the same problem. It sucks. I always want it, he rejects and watches porn when I go to sleep. I’m thin fit, we get along good otherwise, I don’t understand! Wish we could get an answer on that one! It’s so bs the double standards men think they can get away with.. Guess what.. If I don’t have sex for a few days i will have an orgasm in my sleep.. But I don’t masturbate.. Ever. Why? That 1% chance I MIGHT get laid, I would rather have a sex orgasm. So.

Reply June 8, 2013, 4:20 pm

farah

Ladies I am married (have been for 3 years this July) we were dating for 5 years before that and have recently found that sloopy c**k su**ers does it for him its so gross I hate it. I too could have sex a couple times a day but he always says he’s tired. If hes too tired and not sexual with me really he shouldnt be looking at porn then. Our sex life has gone down since marriage so I thought he’s just not sexual anymore boy was I wrong. I dont understand if they have a wife or gf why the porn???

Reply July 10, 2013, 6:32 am

Girafa Ponkan

If I were you I would read Sapphyreopal5’s comments. For me the bottom line is: it’s not a problem until it affects his life, or yours. And it is affecting. If you want more frequency and you are not getting it (and you are sure it’s because of porn and there are no other reason) then I feel you need to do something about it.

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:54 am

Anonymous

Hi. I recently had this conversation with my boyfriend of nearly three years. I found porn left up on his PHONE, so random, and immediately confronted him about it. He stated that “all guys did it” and if he didn’t masturbate he would be irritable all the time, lash out, etc…

First of all, I think using the male population as an excuse is weak. Basically it’s the “if everyone jumped off a bridge would you?” fiasco. I told him it made me feel not good enough, like I wasn’t pleasing him sexually, and that, in my opinion, it wasn’t much different from a woman sending him nude photos (how is this any different?). He said that it had become a habit but that he could see it hurt me. We were around each other often and had sex once, sometimes twice a day… Yet he still needed his porn fix.

He said he would stop watching it because he didn’t want to hurt me and because we had sex often. He said that he didn’t need it when I was around. I was pleased by this, it made me feel important, and time went on quietly.

Then, I came over unexpectedly one night after a fight with my roommate and came into his room. I’d left my laptop at home so I asked if I could use his. He started acting all nervous which I thought was weird but I didn’t comment on it and started getting into my email. He then proceeded to grab his computer while rattling off that he needed to check something, and I looked at the screen seconds before he deleted the history. Uh… He admitted to watching more porn a few HOURS after we’d had sex. He was apologetic but said that breaking the habit was hard. I was hurt again but didn’t comment further and just said, “okay.” He promisd to try and stop, broke that promise, and now I hate porn so much more.

What possible gratification does porn provide a couple of hours of having real sex with a real woman? I’m adorable, beautiful, if a bit socially awkward (which supposedly adds to my humor and attractiveness), we enjoy our sexual loves, they are healthy and virtuous. So what? What am I not giving him? He is ejaculating every day, he is getting the sex he wants, so what gives?

For the record, I never told him to stop watching porn. He came to that conclusion all on his own. He was the one who said “you’re more important than these porn stars.” He’s the one who initiated stopping masturbating, at least while we’re in close proximity to each other. So why does he feel the need to still do it with all of these factors in place?

Thanks for listening and please respond. I would really appreciate some insight.

<3

Reply May 11, 2013, 12:37 pm

a

I dont get why he needs it atleast he admitted it, my husband told me they links were pop ups and cookies and maybe I pressed something I was so hurt, confused and upset and more so because I always want sex and he doesnt.

Apparently they all do it its like a guilty pleasure but I like you hate it and think its so wrong especially as we are now married. I didn’t even think to ask him cause I assumed since he met me 8 years ago he doesnt need to look at that rubbish! It made my stomach turn looking at those ugly skanks and the hardcore sex videos. GROSS!

Hang in there I’m told they all do it even at 54!

Reply July 10, 2013, 6:39 am

b

Snooping aside, you just found out your guy has been cheating on you. Flat out, no questions, he sent sexual emails to another woman, that’s cheating.
When combined with the porn, I cannot believe that a possible sex addiction was not brought up. That’s not to say that everyone who looks at porn is addicted, but it does happen, A LOT.
And on that note, girls watch porn, too. We don’t just read it. Both sexes are visually stimulated, shame on you Eric for giving such sexist advice.

Reply March 2, 2013, 11:45 am

Eric Charles

First off, people these days are so quick to diagnose everyone with a disorder. Maybe instead of being a sex addict he’s just… a guy… or not that into the girl he’s with… or simply, an asshole.

Further, girls look at porn, but if I were to make a pie chart of who looks at porn, the pie chart would be a huuuuuuge portion devoted to men and a teeny tiny sliver devoted to women.

It’s not sexist. It’s called looking at stats. Pull up the web stats for popular open community porn sites (where anyone can upload a video). The audience is massively male.

That’s not sexist. That’s just reading statistical evidence.

Reply March 11, 2013, 2:03 am

shana

This is a topic I am extremely interested in. I’ve read other stats that suggest a lot more women are looking at porn. I myself enjoy it, however, if you look at the market itself it is dominated by males and the product is women. There is a a huge lack in straight male centric porn for women. I only know one site that has male model category and even so, they are mostly gay. Even though I enjoy porn I’m left feeling uncomfortable because most video are focused on the female and the male is more of an accessory. I’ve been told it’s “really cool” I like porn, but it’s similar to a girl liking football, it’s a “guy thing” and that’s the part that I would like to see change. I’m saying that this might have less to do with biology versus psychology and social acceptance. Ideally I want to be able to search “hot brunette” and the results should have some straight males thrown in the mix. I think the market for women needs to open up asap. This unbalanced stigma is hurting relationships but until there is male porn for females it’s understandable that a woman could nott relate to the use of porn.

Reply November 24, 2014, 1:46 pm

would prefer not to say my name

P.S. I would really appreciate some feedback on my thougths.

Thank you!

Reply March 1, 2013, 5:28 am

would prefer not to say my name

Here I go again with my comment, will not comment on fb cause want to be anonymous for readers. But reading all girls’ comments I found few interesting things to think of:
– whoever needs some stimulation (like watching porn or reading 50 shades of grey) to get turned on (to get some flavour in sex) are ok with their guys doing the same, so they can hit it when both ready – doesn’t it mean they don’t have enough sexual attraction to each other, so need an additional turn on? Isn’t it settling for less – a guy/girl that doesn’t turn you on enough?
* I understand that with time a couple might need that, but I would hope in my relationship it would be not less then in 10 years, too optimistic?

– a lot of girls say they’d watch with him. But they did not ask the guy, so queston is: would he want it? And if yes, why wouldn’t he ask for it? And why would he want to do it with his girl? (coming back to first point)

– some would laugh about it – for me a sign of insecurity, cause whatever comes to sexuality and sex is not supposed to be funny

– From your answer
“Whether you like porn or not, it’s not going away. The amount of internet traffic devoted just to porn is staggering. It’s the number one use for the internet – more than anything else.” – EXACTLY, and it’s growing, isn’t it a little scary?
According to the loads of girls’ comments here, very little are actually happy with their relarionships (but steal accept them), I read comments when girls are spending years with assholes, settling for so little, so my question is: maybe it actually became an easy way for guys to get satisfaction and diversity without putting any effort in realtionship/marriage/commitment, maybe that is where the assholes from their stories come from?
And maybe that’s why so girls answered it’s not a big deal, cause the majority (and your website is a proof) settle for smth they don’t like, they accept things that hurt them, just to be with a guy who might not even deserve it.

And also this:
“As a general statement, I don’t think porn is the problem in relationships, but rather the woman’s reaction to it.”
Sure, the reaction is a problem. But that can be said about anything like “lie is not a problem in the relationship it’s the reaction to iy” (the guy is with you, right? why react on lies?), “girl flirting with others is not a problem (she is with you anyway, what is the big deal?)”
I am not saying this things are the same, I just say this way of thinking may apply to many things.
So here is my round up: I see it as another thing girls settled for just to be with a guy, to seem cool, to get the guy. Cause while I read anonymous letters/commetns on the web the truth was lots of girls suffer from it/don’t like it, or at least ask the question why it is happening.
In my opinion if more woman would be telling their guys the truth and not be afraid to loose them, then they would be treated like queens (be a prize, right?).
Afterall what is it that is more important being with a women you truly love or watching some porn?

Reply March 1, 2013, 5:23 am

Eric Charles

I understand where you’re coming from on this…

I’m not pro-porn, but I am pro-accepting realities of the current world we live in. Oftentimes, I’ve found that the biggest problem women come against in improving their situation is that they can’t even look at or accept their situation.

If a guy wants to look at porn, that’s what he’s going to do. And if a woman wants to stay in that relationship and is happy with it, then she’s going to stay and nothing’s going to change.

All in all, if you’re not happy in your situation, change it for yourself. You’re not going to be able to change the other person and if they’re not a good match for you, then that’s that. Either learn to accept them exactly as they are now or leave and find someone who’s a better fit.

With your comment, I think you nailed it fundamentally when you were talking about how the women accept what they don’t want and settle for so little. That’s the fundamental issue – they don’t want what they have and instead of leaving, they stay and think something’s going to change.

Great relationships come naturally from compatibility. And forcing a great relationship to happen between two incompatible people is pretty unlikely. With an incompatible couple, it will always feel frail and precarious under examination.

Settling is what happens when two people believe that they’re with the best that they can get, but not what they want… and then they use things like porn, nagging, arguing, emotional-abuse, etc. to fill in the gaps left by their incompatibility.

Reply March 11, 2013, 2:12 am

would prefer not to say my name

Thank you for the reply. Totally agree on compatability. And luckily I found that guy who treats me just the way I want to be treated and as a couple we are perfect for each other. In a year of relationship we had 3-4 arguments all in all and they always ended with a solution good for both of us, and we never came back to the issue once solved. And as I said we are happy and he really is what I want the way he is. If he wouldn’t like my reaction and was against what I said, I would end the relationship.
Yes changing someby is impossible but changing few “single” behaviors yourself for your loved one is absolutely normal (when they are not fundamental or very imortant part of being yourself, but smth like watching porn every now and then for him and being a flirt for me).

Reply March 11, 2013, 10:30 am

would lprefer not to say my name

Ok, I’ll be honest, I was waiting to hear your point of view on porn issue. I value every piece of advice form you usually and not that I don’t accept or understand what you said , but I didn’t get anything new from it this time that could help. I read and heard a lot about it, all the things just like you said, so I guess I should blame the nature and accept that nothing/noone can help. If you looked at my pics you would see I am good looking (guys say hot), I am a happy person with my friends, work, interests, I am in a relationship with the man I love and he treats me really well and we are going to marry soon. And yet I felt hurt when once found out he was looking at porn when I was there for him anytime he wanted. I genuinely love and enjoy sex and the more I get the better, I heard from my guy and exes that I am very good at it (even heard the opinion that I am # 1 in it). But I was really hurt. It is my nature. He apologized and said he thinks it was wrong and that he doesn’t want to hurt me, he said it’s just a habit, but it didn’t matter what he said I was still hurt. I got over it though and we are perfectly fine. But I still feel hurt when I remember about it. Call me crazy but it is my nature. So if he wants to be with me he has to keep it out of my life. That’s it. Keep it out of my life, the best thing a guy can do for his gf, wife, if it bothers her and he cares about her. I can pretend I am fine with it to make my guy happy and not to shame him, but how long will I last before I will stop loving him cause I will feel hurt? I am fine with watching porn when in LDR (that is what our situation is now), I do it myself, as you said it is a biological burden. But when we are together and I am there for him, please keep it out of my life, otherwise I will be hurt and eventually will stop loving him one day.
I did tell him how I felt and I appreciate his understanding. If he tried to convince me it’s ok, I wouldn’t be marrying him.

Reply February 27, 2013, 11:13 pm

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