I’ve been seeing this guy who I really like for about two weeks now. He really is the perfect guy and has everything I want in a guy. I haven’t had much luck with men so I’m really excited about him, maybe too excited. I’d wish I could spend all my time with him and I’m scared of seeming too needy or desperate. I’m trying to stay in control and not text him more than twice a day or nag him on messenger if he doesn’t want to talk for very long.
The only thing is, I’m afraid I’m holding back too much. He actually once pointed out that I’m kind of distant with him him. I’m also afraid of appearing too needy. What should I do? I really don’t want to lose him.
Don’t worry so much about doing things that will appear needy. Worry about being in a needy headspace/mindset.
There’s nothing wrong with being nervous or excited about a guy. Being excited about a new person is great and fun.
But when you believe that you’re not enough for him, or that he will give you something special that you don’t already have within yourself or that he’s the key to your happiness, then that is being in a needy mindset.
You can avoid ever being needy when you just make sure to live a full, interesting and engaging life that you love regardless of whether or not you’re in a relationship.
Neediness is when you believe you need a guy.
Nothing wrong with enjoying being with a guy. Nothing wrong with liking a guy. Nothing wrong with wanting a guy.
It’s the needing that’s the problem – that is to say, believing that you need this guy to live, to be happy, to survive, to be OK, to be complete, etc.
You don’t need that guy or any guy, you just want him. Just remember that and you’ll be fine.
Another way you can spot the “needy” mindset is when you notice that you’re starting to fear losing him.
I’m going to throw a concept out there that’s going to sound a bit “against the grain” compared to all of the crap you hear from the Hollywood and music industries.
The fact is: “You cannot possess another person.”
All this stuff about “you’re mine and I’m yours” sounds poetic in movies and songs, but in real life it’s not only an unrealistic mindset… it’s a poisonous belief to have in your relationship.
What do I mean by this?
Well, this idea suggests that you own this person and therefore you’re entitled to expect certain things from them. It suggests that you no longer need to earn the other person – you just get and deserve everything they give you just for showing up.
Now I’m sure there are people reading this saying, “That’s the whole point of relationships! You give and take and you’re there for each other!”
I agree that in a great relationship, you give and you take and you’re there for each other.
What I absolutely do not agree with is that there’s some point where you think that you can stop earning the other person. At the same time, there’s no point in which they can stop earning you… to which I’ll remind you that whether you’ve been with this person a day, a year, a decade or an eternity… you are choosing to be there in that relationship everyday.
I’m trying to get across that in relationships, you are earning the other person and you’re choosing to stay with them. But you never own or possess one another.
The best way to never fall into this trap is to never allow yourself to live like you’re not single. A lot of times, I see people get comfortable and let themselves go after a relationship is established. They stop putting in as much effort and they start leaning on the relationship, more and more. They stop investing into the relationship and start making bigger and bigger withdrawals from the relationship.
It’s usually as they start doing this, they start feeling a haunting sensation in the back of their minds. This is when they start to fear the other person leaving them or losing the other person. It’s like their mind is thinking, “I’m not putting in as much effort and I’m afraid I’m taking too much… but… Hollywood and stories and music tells me that once you love each other, you’re with each other forever and you give freely… right?…. Right???”
I totally understand the fear of losing the person you love. I completely get that… it’s a gut-wrenching feeling.
The question is: How long do you want to go on feeling that? How long do you want to continue feeling like something terrible is about to happen? Like “the other shoe is about to drop”, so to speak?
The only way out of the place of feeling helpless and fearing the end of your relationship is… to proactively invest into the relationship. That way you know you’re doing what you can and if he leaves, well, there was nothing you could have done about it.
Ironically, women have the idea in their minds that if they would never leave the guy that it will help the relationship. Actually, it cripples it.
Guys function on bottom-lines, wins and losses, criteria for success and failure. When you declare that you’ll never leave within your own mind, what you’re actually saying is that you’ll settle for anything. You’re declaring that no matter how little he gives, you’ll never leave.
And while on the surface he will be grateful and sweet and appreciative to know that you’ll never leave, the nature of man is to always move onto the next challenge once a mission is “complete”.
This might sound crazy, I understand, but as soon as you show your man that you’ll be there forever, I will almost guarantee that soon after (a week, a month, a few months) he will find something that sucks up all his time and becomes his new priority. Men prioritize that which requires their attention in order to have, attain or keep.
OK, I’ve given you a bunch of food for thought.
Hope that helps,