Ask a Guy: Did I Redeem Myself After Acting Needy? post image

Ask a Guy: Did I Redeem Myself After Acting Needy?


My relationship started out mushy and sweet with tons of texting, but recently slowed way down. I hate to admit it but I did let myself seem a little needy, unintentionally of course. He straight out told me “I don’t know what I want right now.. I just got out of something that was messy.. all I did was work and see her.. but I wasn’t lying about how I feel about you…”

I was a little confused so I played it cool and told him to just relax and not to put pressure on what we are. It’s best if we just go with the flow and see what happens. Two days later he texted me, just seeing what was up, and we had a short, simple, normal conversation.

So my question is, did I save face after being needy by playing it cool? And if so, is it the right move to not contact him…?

To answer your question, yes, it seems like you did the right thing by giving him space and taking the pressure off.

But with that said, let me define what I mean by “right thing” and while I’m at it also define “neediness” and “freak out phase”.

So first, acting needy is more of a mindset than it is an action or something you say.

When you are coming from a needy mindset, at the heart of it you have a fear that he’s going to leave or that he’s going to withdraw in some way. And in response to that fear, you feel compelled to make him reassure you or put a label on the relationship or prove his feelings towards you.

Neediness comes from a fearful place and broadcasts a feeling of fear to the guy. You “need” him to respond in a certain way or else you’ll assume your worst fears are true and then you’ll get upset.

When a man feels that energy coming from a woman early in a relationship, it feels like coercion – he either has to give in and act how you want him to act or deal with you being upset.

When I talk about a guy having a freak out phase, I’m just saying that the guy might be feeling like he’s losing control or freedom. Not every guy goes through feeling that way, but many do. Sometimes it’s a guys response to needy behaviors, sometimes it just gets triggered through his own fearful self-reflection.

Regardless, giving a guy space to sort it out is the best way to respond if a guy is feeling this way. If he’s feeling like his freedom or control is slipping away, the worst thing you could do is respond to that fear by “needing” to change how he’s feeling.

At the root of neediness or “freaking out” is a fear: Fear that being with their partner will lead them somewhere terrible. And being able to accept fear and give yourself and your partner permission to have fears is a healthy step along the way towards a better relationship.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

{ 42 comments… add one }

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Melissa November 20, 2013, 8:56 am

This was such an interesting responce. I had the same thing happened to me and funny enough, this is the third relationship that ended so abruptly. I never thought I came across as needy, I felt as if we are both grown and the questions he posed to me and the response I gave was OK. Now that I have read a few of your articles I can clearly see where I went wrong with these relationships. This last one I know for sure felt smoothered. But in the beginning he was the one who text and said things that made me felt comfortable with my actions. Anyway you live and learn. Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom with me. Blessings.

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Chauntae March 29, 2013, 12:13 pm

OMG I think this article…..scratch that this whole dating series has opened my eyes tremendously. I couldnt for the life of me understand why he was pulling back so much. Never stopped to think it was because i was being such a pest. I thought the more i showed him how much i liked him maybe he would go back to being “normal”, but instead he pulled back more. The more he pulled back the more i pushed until we decided to take a break before what we had was ruined. By taking a break we just removed the title. Nothing else changed. I think the title freaks him out. That and his friends started to complain that all he did was spend time with me. Now i get maybe 1 weekend out the month and of course that made me nuts…..OMG…..can’t believe i’ve been acting like this and causing all of the problems when I thought it was him.

He’s going through a lot, job wise, child custody and his son’s mother isn’t acting like such a stand up adult but i wont touch that since i only know his side of the story. I sit back and listen to him vent. I’m sure now that my neediness was adding more stress than he needed. In the beginning we were inseparable….attached at the hip until his custody stuff started….now it feels like he is running scared, and I have no clue how to get back to where we were. He constantly says his main priority is his son (who i’m not allowed around because he wants all of his attention lol) but he doesn’t want to lose me either. Ugh!!! Relationships….these things are never easy.

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Helen October 12, 2012, 2:13 pm

U think the same rules apply to transsexual girls?

I was seeing this guy for a couple of months.
We met on a dating site where i openly stated that im a trans woman, we liked each other a lot! And we got intimate (im his first transsexual experience, although he’s had fantasies for a few years) after a month and a half of talking (he texted me very often) and hanging out. He lives in San Diego and I live in Los Angeles, long distance but not too bad. He told me he had a strong connection with me the next day. He still texted me but not as often. Then I got carried away and needy (classic neediness). He stopped texting me as much. A week later, he still hadn’t invited me down to SD again, so I asked him why. He said, I like you and there was no Big Bang, I’m not head over heels, you are moving too fast for me and I just want to get to know you…

I freaked out on him. I told him I won’t talk to him again. He responded saying, but I just said I liked you. I was so confused by him. And he told me I overreacted! We didn’t talk for a couple of days. Then I texted him and apologized. But he said I freaked him out, and I was cruel – I guess I said something mean to him, mainly how he was nice to me before sex and now he got to experiment sexually with a tranny, he’s no longer interested. But he didn’t talk to me.

A week of not talking after, I apologized again. He responded by saying the same thing, I freaked him out and it was scary. I told him my worse fear was that men want to sexually experiment with me. When I sense someone backing off from me, especially after sex, I tend to freak out… He said, things happen. Text me tmrw!

Then I texted him and sent him pics for the next few days to come but he never responded back. So I asked him, are you done with me? Do you not want to hear from me again? Then he said, yeah, you are a great person but I don’t think we mash well. Then I freaked out on him again, calling him a liar and pretended to be someone else just so he could sexually experiment with me… Then he said, i liked you but i backed away when there was drama… Blah blah blah… In the end, i asked him to pay the $37 he promised me, I took the train down to San Diego, he said he’d pay half of the trip.

This whole thing went down so quickly and dramatically, it’s still in my head and don’t know how to digest it… I feel bad cuz i know you shouldn’t have freake out but I had bad experience in the past and sexual-experimentation is a legit concern. I liked him so much, it’s gross to freak out but I thought he could hv been more sensitive to my feelings.

Modelmayhem.com/helenwong0810
Thanks

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carrie September 3, 2012, 8:58 pm

i like this website. it helped me so much my my current situation. im Chinese btw :)

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vic July 28, 2012, 11:37 pm

I had this one guy friend who I have known for two years, we got along great and always had a few laughs, we worked together for about a year and then he lost he job but we still kept in touch quiet a bit. When I first met him I dd not know he was married, he used to flirt alot and we would have lunch together eveyday, always told me that he loved talking to me and that he felt like he was in high school again. I thought we had a great friendship connection. He often told me that he thought it was nice to talk to someone of the opposite sex and that he felt really comfortable with me. We managed to stay in touch through email, text, facebook over the next year. We did have a quick fling when we worked together but it never turned into anyting more than a half one night stand, a few hugs and kisses etc. he stopped himself from sleeping with me all the way, we still kept in touch over the next year, often talking about many things on a personal level until recently when his wife filed for divorce, he still contacted me but only when he wanted to talk or he needed me to tell him if I knew of any job openings, I would comment on his facebook and txt him to ask how he was doing and just letting him know that i was checking in on him. I understand he was going through alot for his divorce and i gave him space by not contacting him and because I also lost my father. he would contact me when he needed to vent and I would listen and give advice, but when I would contact him to also vent or just because i needed a friend to talk to because i was feeling down about my dad he would make it short or he would not answer my texts for weeks on end, if 10 people commented on his facebook status he would acknowledge them all with a reply but Me on more than one occasion. he did this often and I let it slide a first few times until recently when I called him on it and I aksed him why he did it and that I have always been nothing but a good friend to him and that I see that he always seems to ignore me when I need a friend. He would ignore me for weeks and weeks and then come back and ask me to go to his church, then ignore me for weeks on end again and send me links to connect emails only to ignore me for weeks on end again. I aksed him to be honest with me and let me know if he really wanted me as his friend and if not to let me know and I would go on my merry way, I told him that i have always enjoyed being his friend and I will remain his friend if that is what he still wanted but that to me a friendship was a two way street not a one way, I wished him the best of luck and that told him that I hope he finds whatever it is he is looking for in his life and that when he finds himself that i will be waiting if he wants me to be art of his life as a friend and if not then to let me know. I thought he enjoyed being my friend and never wanted anything else as he always told me that he was not looking for commitment so i told him what I thought he wanted to hear which was ok, we can remain friends if that is what he wanted. After I wrote him about him being distant with me, he must have gotten angry or upet with me for telling him that he needs to figure out if he still wanted me as a friend. He went as far as blockig me from email, phone and deleted me from his facebook. I know he is going through a divorce and that is alot of stress but am also going through my dads death and all I wanted was to talk to someone i thought was also my friend and could listen when i needed like i have done with him for many months. I dont believe he ever cared in the two years we have known eachother, i dont think he ever had any kind of feelings for me whether in friendship or even romantcally. I feel like he used me for his benefit, the benefit of having me as a friend to vent to but when i call him on the little things i have seen about him beng distant with me, ignoring or plain never answering me back for weeks on end he cuts me out of his life without even a word as to why. What is your take on this, I have left him alone and never tried to contact him again because i figure he never cared and he hates me enough to cut me out of his life, he wants no part of me in the new life he is trying to start. idk but that is my take on this, I would like others take on what they think. I dont ever plan on contacting him again and if he ever decides to contact me I am thinking i will ignore because like I said. I feel like he used me!

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Sanji Zuma May 22, 2012, 1:53 pm

I don’t know why my request to be on the mailing list posted (?)

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Sanji Zuma May 22, 2012, 1:52 pm

Hello Eric,
I would love to have a detailed article on Neediness and I would love
to be on your mailing list.
Thanks in advance,
-Sanji Zuma

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Marie April 26, 2012, 6:17 am

Hi,

Reading the comments I basically have a similar story!

I have been seeing this guy for over 2mths in the beginning we saw each other 2/3 times a week spoke every day he told me how much he liked me etc and I basically wore my heart on my sleeve and told him the same.

Anyways he didn’t get back to me for a couple of days but he was away playing football I had a needy freakout and was like u didn’t get back to be blab la (hindsight I know it was stupid) anyways what followed was a talk on how we are to slow down but he still really likes me he just wants to make sure before we get into a ‘serious relationship’ so we started just having 1 date a week, which I found myself being really awkward and mean on because I felt like I hadnt spoken to him all week. Anyways I decided this week would be different and I havnt called/txt the last time we spoke was Monday when he rang me…

I got pretty hurt before I just don’t know what to do really. I really like him (never felt like this before kinda thing) so should I give up before I get hurt more?

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CD April 7, 2012, 10:15 pm

My ex and I had broken up twice in the 1 year that we’d been together, and I had acted very needy at the time. Third time, I shed a tear, but told him to sort his head out. I am however still in love with him, and so do things to make sure he is comfortable and doing things right, such as cooking him lunch nearly everyday as we work together and eat lunch together. I don’t think that has done me much harm, however I have also been quite vocal about my feelings and how I am hurt and upset and so on, and this I now realise has caused things to get worse. I want to change this, simply because as two individuals we really get on, we have some similar tastes but are different to complement each other, we enjoy each others’ company while I am happy and not needy. I need some specific tips on changes in my behavior. Should I stop initiating any plans to meet up? Should I completely stop giving him a piece of my mind? Should I act like everything is normal and my life is perfect? Should I tell him I have made a change to my life and my way of thinking and am therefore happier now? Please help!

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laura March 21, 2012, 10:03 pm

After my ex and I broke up, I was really cool about it. But overtime, after 4 months, I freaked out and acted needy, partly because I was having a lot of stress with a new job, family issues. I wrote him long emails of how much he’d hurt me and told him my anxiety symptoms. He’s now blocked me. What can I do to redeem myself? Thanks.

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Jamie November 14, 2011, 10:11 pm

Hi Eric. I have been with my partner for a good eight months now. At the start, it was full of chase, and then slowed over time. Now he seems too busy to do hardly anything. I keep myself busy too, and every now and then we make plans. I feel I made a mistake one day and asked him if we were okay, because we seemed distant. He said we were fine and apologized for seeming distant. Then a few days ago, we got into a fight, nothing about us, had the few no talk days, and then made up. I feel this bothered me much more than him, and now I feel like an idiot, because I went and asked him stupid questions. More “Are we still okay?” “Will we still be like before?” I realize now that this was wrong, and I’m worried I won’t be able to set things on track again because now he knows I can be needy. Do you think he would look down at this from now on, even if I relaxed and played it normal? I love your advice, and I’ve joined your mailing list. Thank you.

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Alice November 3, 2011, 10:42 am

Eric, I really appreciate your doing this and sharing great advice with us women – I’m wondering if you can help me: I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months pretty much every weekend, and things seemed great. I sensed him pulling away though on our last date , and despite my best attempt I acted needy and probably unfair at the end (I was upset that he did not want to spend some time alone after meeting my friends for the first time, and that he did not commit to seeing each other in the next 2 weeks since he’d have several friends in town). I am afraid I scared him away, but he knows that I am feeling hurt. Question is – should I wait till he contects me, or “man up” and call him to say sorry for acting unlike myself due to fears? Thanks for your advice.

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P October 21, 2011, 3:47 pm

Hey I absolutley love this site. I think you are wonderful with advice and not too blunt at all. So heres the thing. I am dating this guy for almost a year now and I have only gotten serious with one guy before him. I keep questioning so many things about him. He is not too emotional and he does not like to ever tell me how he feels. Once in a while he will drop some nice comments but thats all. Overall he is a great boyfriend. But I dont know whats going on with me. He has told me about girls that he has gotten serious with before but I dont know how much I mean to him and how far I am with him. It took him 9 months just to say I love you. He has dropped some comments to me like, “You know the way to my heart.” & “I probably would have asked you to marry me by now if you didnt think so much about things”. I dont know how he feels about me and I cant stop thinking about it. I just want him to tell me but I dont want to push him or pressure him. how do I go about this without sounding too needy?

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Diane October 11, 2011, 3:34 pm

Hi Eric,
please put me on your direct dating mailing list

many thanks
and regards

Diane

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Tenneile October 6, 2011, 12:04 pm

Hi Eric,
THANK YOU so much!!
I am soo glad I stumbled across your website and read your brilliant insights in to the male mind. I am a Psychologist and I am great at interpeting and helping others but when it comes to relationships and working out the male mind, that’s when it becomes challenging. I recognise now how I put pressure on the guy that I am dating at the moment, and although not intentionally, this was out of a subconscious need or desire to connect with someone. When I read your articles on this site it gave me great clarity. I did give him space when he suddenly ‘freaked out’ on me because I was tired of ‘convincing’ men to want to be with me. It was still really hard doing that. He did come back and start texting and calling me, but was still telling me he was confused. The hardest thing I found was trying to get over the hurt and disappointment that I felt. The wonderful thing is that I am currently in South Africa working for a month and he is still in Australia and he has been texting me most days. Some success… so will see what happens when I get back to Australia.

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Eric Charles October 6, 2011, 1:35 pm

Thanks Tenneile, that rocks. :) I am glad it helped.

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dayna September 26, 2011, 11:54 am

sorry for the errors on the post anyway there is this guy at my office kind of showed a sign of interest towards me but unfortunately he had a girlfriend and his gf broke up with him.I’m supremely confuse as he shows sign of interest like frequently coming to fill up his water bottle which is new my place and he gives that eye contact you know what i mean.All of a sudden he changed drastically but yet he looks at me when im not watching him .The worst part he didn’t even make a move of approaching me so i made it as i was not really into him .Unfortunately, one of my friend told him about my feelings and he still didn’t even make a move but just secret looks at me .Later , he added me at facebook but whenever i start to have a conversation with him ,he refuse to answer my question n with short replies like yes or no .Recently i messaged him saying that is he free to meet up but all his answers was a no and now when we bump into each other i know he has feelings but dont know what when wrong or what i have done made him to keep away from me .Should it be that he is a playboy who just like to play peoples feelings but i dont get why the first place he gave me fake hope on something that you are not in to.Really hope for you reply

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Debbie April 17, 2012, 11:52 am

Dayna,
Maybe he is still dealing with his ex and his feelings for her. Maybe he just needs time to heal and it has nothing to do with you. He might like you, but is actually taking time to heal so that he doesn’t hurt you and his feelings wont cause problems if he does decide to have a relationship with you. I would just wait and be his FRIEND. DO NOT pressure him about it or ask questions about his ex. If he already knows you are interested in him, just leave it at that. Give him some time and if he is ready – he will let you know. Hope that helps. Good Luck.

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dayna September 24, 2011, 1:24 pm

well there this guy who shows his feelings to me at the beginning and he actually had girlfriend but recently he broke up with his gf and things became worst for me as i started to have more feelings for him.At the office he comes frequently to fill his bottle of which is near my and he gives that look that he is into me but not long he found that i had feelings for him and he started not to show much feelings but then he added me at facebook which made things worst because i started to msg him n he replies .Due time when i asked him when is he free he refuse to reply which made to say what shall i do in order for you to reply n he replied that he was busy n can’t meet me .From that day i kept my distance but i have feelings for him n im not so sure he has but i caught him looking at me secretly when im not aware of it .I really wonder why is he doing this to me and really hope you could help me out please by the way he is a Chinese guy and im a mix so is that an issue for him
Thanks
Dayna

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sue September 20, 2011, 8:42 pm

Hey eric…ur advices are amazing..and true..just wondering,why are u doing all this for free?

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Eric Charles September 20, 2011, 10:01 pm

Thanks Sue – cuz that’s what I do. :)

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Anonymous September 19, 2011, 3:18 pm

I am going through a similar situation. We had “the talk” because (even though he didn’t use these words) I became too needy/clingy. He said he didn’t have the time that I was asking of him, as he had too much going on with his new job and the long working hours. That he had been putting off this conversation for the past couple of weeks, but because he liked me very much he needed to be honest. I also tried to save face by saying that we could take things slower at his own pace and that I could be more understanding of his time. I also said that if he felt like he had to let me go, then by all means. But at that point he said he would talk to me later. A couple of days have passed and he has not contacted me. I can’t help but wonder if we are broken up or not. My question is, would I make it worse if I tried to contact him again, even if it’s just to obtain closure, or should I definitely give him more time/space? Or should I just move on?

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Me September 20, 2011, 3:02 am

It`s exactly what i`m going through right now..I have the exact same questions

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KyJo September 21, 2011, 1:19 am

WOW girls… Exactly my situation right now. He tells me he can’t do the “clingy” thing then says he doesnt have time to give for me…. Says he is a mix between wanting me in his life and wanting to completely cut me out… I told him he needs to figure it out. Havent heard for him almost three days now (and we usually talk every day!!!) OMG!!!!!! THIS HURTS!!!!!!!!!

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KyJo September 21, 2011, 1:22 am

And we have only been dating two months..I accidentally got drunk on Friday night and dont remember it, but I guess I was too touchy at a bar and it really pissed him off… He told me he could eventually forgive me but then the next day he seemed to change his mind and started making up excuses. Please, please, please! I need the same advice. I dont know IF I should contact him tomorrow night to see what he has decided and/or to get closure.. Or do I wait it out and pray he will start thinking about me again?

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Anonymous September 21, 2011, 9:42 am

I’ve decided not to contact him. After all, what he was asking for is space. So, he’s probably just taking his space and let him have it… Besides, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I figure if he wants me then he’ll come looking for me. And if he is too late, well too bad, it’s his loss!

Eric Charles September 14, 2011, 5:45 pm

Thanks – glad you like my stuff, I appreciate hearing that.
.
And yeah, definitely get on the list – I give away my best stuff there (still free, of course.)

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Elizabeth September 14, 2011, 2:22 pm

I would like to get on the ANM Dating mailing list…OMG Eric you are NAILING all the flaws I have experienced and still trying to correct so I don’t lose the guy!!! Thank you for all your advice!!!!

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Jeanne September 9, 2011, 6:48 pm

Hi Eric,

I stumbled upon your page in search of some words of wisdom to keep me from being too anxious about my current situation and I totally found them here! You definitely described what I am experiencing. He is totally in a freak-out phase and I am realizing that I ended my last relationship because of/during a freak-out phase. I have never been able to see myself through one. I get so insecure and so needy and so upset that I bail or I drive the guy away. I really like this current guy and I am going to great lengths not to appear needy or I guess as you would say, act from a needy mindset. I am knee deep in fear right now, though and “playing it cool” during this phase is tearing me apart! Any advice on how a girl can get through this internally without too much stress/anxiety?

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Eric Charles September 9, 2011, 7:53 pm

Get on the ANM Dating mailing list IMMEDIATELY – I’m sending out an e-mail tomorrow all about neediness and how to make sure that you don’t fall victim to it. If you get on the list after tonight you’re going to miss it.
.
You can sign up by entering your name in the “pop up” or following the link at the bottom of the post.

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Cia November 4, 2011, 12:59 am

Ive only just come across this and it has changed my crummy, crappy week. From knotted feeling in my stomach to knowing that regardless of how things go, IT’S OKAY! I’m about to join the mailing list, but could really use the email on how not to fall victim to neediness. Is there anyway I can get a copy please.

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Eric Charles November 4, 2011, 1:45 am

Yeah – join up and you’ll get it after a few days.

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Cia November 9, 2011, 12:17 am

Thanks, got it! :-)

Kristy August 19, 2011, 3:30 pm

I just recently met this guy online, our first date was amazing, and i thought he was someone i really could connect with. Then we slept together and he ignored me for 3 weeks. So after three weeks of not knowing what was going on, he used my car broke down excuse (it was true his car broke down on our date) So after that things were going really well and i was enjoying my time with him. After awhile i thought id bring up dating, but he continued to say girls change with the label so we didnt have a label. We pretty much spent everyday together for a least a month and half straight. So i understood we’d get tired of each other. So we started getting into fights and i said somethings i wish i hadnt. So when i called and left a voicemail and apoligized sincerly. He never responded, not until i said more hurtful things and then he retaliated, and something worse. Now we arent talking but to be honest i just wanna be friends but i dont how to go about saying that to him without sounding needy. I enjoyed our friendship a lot more then anything. Should i just leave it alone or ask him if he’d still want to be friends, even though he called me something that you should never call some of the black decent? im just really confused on whats going on and could really use some help. I know im young (20) and boys come and go, but this is more about just being friends. So Please help, i would greatly appreciate it.

Kristy.

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Cia November 4, 2011, 12:55 am

Have you managed to sort anything out? I think when you didnt have a friendship with someone from before dating, its difficult to foster a friendship after since the original foundation is lacking. Sometimes it’s better to cut your losses. I was in a similar situation of wanting the person in my life still because we used to laugh and have so much fun. We are on civil terms and are ‘friends’ but never really, meet up or talk much. I think some people are able to make it happen, but sometimes it’s just better to let it go and move on.

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Tabitha July 28, 2011, 1:10 pm

One more thing – today I said this to him: “aw ___ i miss u! i still feel really bad about sunday #i blew it# and u didnt deserve that. I truly do appreciate the time you spend with me.”

He hasnt responded to it yet!!!

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Tabitha July 28, 2011, 12:52 pm

Hi Eric
Love your website….

Okay, let me start from the beginning…
I am now 28 and when I was like 17 years old, I dated this guy….we dated for about 6 months, but eventually ended things because I was so young and had no freedom (he was 20 and in the military)……..flash forward 10 years, and now he has been stationed in the town I live in about a month ago….so of course he looked me up! We met and just recapped old times….eventually it led to him coming over to the house, and we had sex on several occasions…but the sex was always preceded and ended with much conversation and quality time spent…..

Now, he is going through a divorce, and at this time wants to remain a bachelor…which is fine with me because I want to be a bachelorette, as I just came out of a 2 year emotionally abusive relationship……so, he is dating around…which is cool with me because I am too….

But what happened was, the last 2 dates we had, he didnt wanna have sex! One time I invited him over for Sunday dinner…he came….ate (the food)….we chilled…and then he left a few hours later….no sex, but a good time spent as friends……then, last Saturday I texted him and asked him if he’d like to join me for drinks and he said “sure!”….he picked me up….we went out….and he dropped me off at home – but didnt come in! And during our time at the restaraunt, this girl kept BLOWING his phone up, and he got very irritable about it because he said he had told her he would call her back but before he had a chance, she was calling him REPEATEDLY (being needy)….needless to say, it also perturbed me…because it seems like he has someone already trying to monopolize his time…couple that with the fact that the sex has kinda tapered off a bit, and you can see why I’m like “ugh!”….I asked him why we’re not having sex, and he said “I dont want to take advantage of you, and I also dont want you to think I dont have time for you”….

Also, he intentionally left his clothes at my house last time he was there, and declined to take them with him when I offered them to him :)

So the next day I sent him a text saying that I feel like I shouldnt contact him anymore because it seems as if he has someone tying him down already (when he’s only been here 4 weeks) and that I thank him for linking back up, and maybe we’ll meet again, and to take care of himself…..he IMMEDIATELY tried to call me back and text me, but I had my phone off….however, he found me on Yahoo messenger….he said “What was up with that text? You make it seem as if I cant give you the time of day….and I’m not married to anyone down here, so I’m not tied down to anyone” …….I told him that was cool and I wanted it to stay that way at least for now, basically becuz I dont want him tied down because we couldnt hang out……he said his intent is to remain a bachelor….so I was like Ok. and we smoothed things over…..he told me “You’re my friend…I like that I can be myself around you….we have a unique relationship, and we are friends, no ifs, ands, or buts…..”

My question is – DID I TOTALLY BLOW IT?? I let my insecurity cause me to push him away when I didnt really mean it…I’ve been *really* light on the texting him this week, and so far everytime I do text (like every 2 days) he does respond so thats good…..but still, I’m scared now that he’ll see me as a nag or something, when I’m not really like that at all!! He’s in the military and I think they’ve been in the field all weeek, but still, he’s cooled down as far as texting me…..IS HE GONE FOR GOOD??? Am I on the right track towards redeeming myself???

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ELise October 2, 2011, 11:25 pm

I think that he truly does like you as a friend. And he doesn’t want to mess it up with you thats why its better to go slow .. instead of just sex.. thats awesome that you guys can just hang out & have fun.. if he didn’t want to talk with you he would let you know. But be there for him like your doing.. not overboard at all by the way. Hope all goes well. & I know this is like a late response. but just wanted to comment on it. : )

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Anna July 17, 2011, 2:10 pm

So if the guy your dating is being distant and has returned a text or call in 2 days when do you call or text to say hi how’s it going? Or do you let him reach out to you first and just stay strong?

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Eric Charles July 17, 2011, 2:59 pm

Whenever you want…
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I don’t get caught up in the whole “making them wait” game. If it’s not authentic, your true feelings will show through anyway.
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My point is that you make sure you’re content and centered yourself so that however he responds (or doesn’t respond) doesn’t upset you and lead to a downward spiral… regardless of whether you text him back within 3 seconds or 3 days.

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Eric Charles July 15, 2011, 4:30 pm

Thanks, glad you liked it.
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And… Libra.

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Katie July 15, 2011, 10:12 am

And being able to accept fear and give yourself and your partner permission to have fears is a healthy step along the way towards a better relationship.

—- Love what you just wrote there, Eric!!

BTW, what star sign are you? I am just curious! Taurus?

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