Ask A Guy: Good Guy Or Leftovers?


I have been friends with this guy for months- he’s really funny and makes me laugh. When I first met him he was all over my friend and trying to have sex with her. She now has a boyfriend and he started acting the same way with me. He always says how beautiful I am and how happy I make him and is always telling me how much he loves my personality and how much he wants me.

Does he mean it or is he just trying to have sex with me too?

See our guy’s response after the jump!

What I’ve always said is that men are never just trying to have sex with you.  I am not going to claim that every man is a saint and has totally selfless intentions, but if he’s choosing you then there’s something about you that goes beyond him just wanting to have sex with you.

If you spend good quality time with him and genuinely enjoy each others company, then that means you do have a connection.  Now he may be attracted to you, but… there’s nothing wrong with that.  I would say look at who he is in his life – how does he treat other people?  How does he treat his mother/sister/other women who are (or have been) in his life.  History is often the best indication of how he could be with you in the future.  If he has a string of girls who hate him, you will want to be careful.  If he has a bunch of female friends and is friends with his ex-girlfriends, has a good relationship with his mother/sisters/women in his life… well, then you’ve got a good shot.

I don’t know who invented the question, “Does he just want sex?”, but it’s an unhelpful trap.  People want sex… that’s how people, men and women are designed.  People also like to eat and sleep.  But we don’t JUST want to eat and sleep – that would be a ridiculous way to think of things.  So rather than wonder if he just wants sex, look at how he tends to relate to women and ask yourself a much better question, “Is he a good guy?”

– eric charles

9 comments… add one

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Kim

I am dating my ex from 40 years ago. And I still care for him, always have and I guess I always will. At this point in his life he is living with a girl, who he says there relationship went down the tubes years ago, but he says he has so much invested in the house they share although the house is in her name only. He has been staying at his moms for us to talk and see each other, but goes home for an occasional check in to do things there. I told him the other day that I can see him never leaving her for me or anyone else for that matter. And I have not heard from him since. So I contacted him and left messages, I got a message back from him and all it said was I am busy now I will be on later. He says he doesn’t want to loose me and doesn’t want me to see other people, and that he doesn’t think he could be ok with it if the wheels were reversed and I was living with someone. I was invited to his daughters for Thanksgiving and his whole family was there. They know about me, yet he still will not leave the other girl.

Reply December 12, 2014, 11:51 am

Dianne

Eric, I disagree. There are boys, guys, and men for whom ” just sex” fulfills a need or needs and it isn’t necessarily true that he will choose the girl or woman he has sex with because he “likes” something about her. Sometimes it’s just plain old opportunistic.
My Question:
I have noticed that if a relationship doesn’t work out the first time, it won’t work out the second, third, etc. time either except in movies. Is that your experience or view?
I really enjoy your posts!

Reply January 20, 2013, 11:52 pm

Anais

Sometimes it is “just sex”, other times it isn’t. A lot of the time it is because he likes something specific about her that he chooses her even though he’s not a interested in a long term relationship. So I totally agree with Eric on that point. That’s why some guys go for friends with benefits where they DO hang out outside the bedroom, have actual social interactions and he doesn’t only call her at 10 pm when he wants to have sex. He wouldn’t be friends with her if he didn’t like anything about her besides her sex appeal. The “just sex” phrase is overused though.

Reply November 20, 2013, 1:33 pm

vanilla22

alright thank you 🙂

Reply September 10, 2011, 1:03 pm

vanilla22

Hey Eric, i really need help. See i am 16 and im not sure how old is too old. ( i mean like what is my age limit?) this guy is 17 going on 18 in april, and ill be 17 in may. we are not going out , but he did ask me and he also not sure about the age thing.

Reply September 10, 2011, 10:23 am

Eric Charles

Hey Vanilla – From a human perspective, there’s no “too old”, it just depends what you and him prefer.
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From a legal perspective, you want to be VERY careful. Especially if you’re a dude. I would recommend that you and him learn about the law in your state before you even consider dating.
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When I was in high school, I knew a guy who was a good guy. He started dating a girl when he was 17 and he turned 18. She was 15 at the time.
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Her father hated the boyfriend and the second he turned 18, he somehow managed to get her boyfriend charged with statutory rape.
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Now granted, I don’t know all the details – maybe there were other pieces to the story that I don’t know. I sincerely doubt that he actually did anything wrong – he loved his girlfriend and treated her well and she loved him.
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What I do know is that this guy now has a criminal record as a “sex offender”, all because he fell in love with a girl that (in the eyes of the law) was too young for him.
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So bottom line: Get *legal* advice on this one before you seek dating advice. And legal advice isn’t my strong suit. 🙂

Reply September 10, 2011, 12:58 pm

psychic kate

i actually have no question for you Eric, but i just wanna say i been buzzing thru your site, and seen all the “what do i do hes not texting back” or ” does he only want me for sex” questions, and im really dissapointed…after all the dateing we women have been thru, we still know nothing? it just seems like all these questions are the same, women wanting to find out”whats he thinking?” how about a really honest answer….ASK HIM YOURSELF LADIES…Eric is not a mindreader..every guy is diffrent! c,mon ladies its the 21st century! f&^% him if he doesnt call or text back…i dont feel its needy to want a response for ” why didnt you text me back last nite” if he says” i was busy online” or ” i didnt hear my phone” then thats one thing, but if he just says ” your really needy sounding rite now” our response should be ” i dont think its needy to want a lil common courtesy from you” and if he cant handle it….he needs his walking papers…thats MY oppinion, i think men have this whole new thing…” if i say shes needy, she,ll back off” its a new way for men to be ….ccol…distant…alloof …and down rite rude, im not the type of gal who needs consatant effection and re-assurance..but ya…i do expect you to text me back in a timely manner…thats all…i uphold all the people in my life to this standard, and we should not allow our love affairs to be any diffrent, some of these letters, are ubsurd, men who dont call you for 3-4 day…sorry ladies, thats not a realationship, hes just not that in to you…the person your in a realationship with , is the person who takes your call…period! and vice versa with him calling you, its really not that difficult, MEN are really not that difficult, and if he is…hes a drama queen..and needs to be on broadway, not in your bed…i truly believe that when a person is really ready and wanting to be in a realationship, it will be much simpler, most of these letters…these guys dont really want a REAL relationship from these women…someone needs to tell them so thay quit wasteing there time, no hateing on any one here, just the facts mam

Reply September 5, 2011, 3:30 am

Keli

It could be that he really got to know her as a friend, and really started to develop feelings for her…

or…

he might just be trying to take what he can get.

Reply August 27, 2009, 10:18 pm

D

Hmm. I’ll be quite insecure too in such a situation. But hey! There truly must be something he sees in her.

Reply August 18, 2009, 6:48 pm

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