From Heartbreak and Back: When It Doesn’t Turn Out The Way You Planned post image

From Heartbreak and Back: When It Doesn’t Turn Out The Way You Planned


Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met~ Anonymous

As a child, I never dreamed about my wedding like a lot of little girls do. I always knew I would find my soul mate, but it wasn’t something I really thought of, until I met him.

I met him at 23, fell in love with him by 24 and at 25, he broke my heart.

In the early stages of our relationship, I knew right away that I had found him- the one person on this Earth for me. I can’t tell you how I knew, but something felt so right. It took me seven months to become his girlfriend and I felt in my heart, this was it. This was the man I would spend the rest of my life with, raise the children I never wanted to have with, have the house, dog and family with.

So what happened to the dream we both had? He lost his job and drifted away. He wanted to deal with this part of his life on his own, to not have me worry about him, us and the future. He left and broke my heart.

He was my first true love, the love of my life that let me go. It took me many months to realize my life and future were not over. During these months of tears and heartache, I realized a lot, and for this I am thankful to him.

I learned that I love myself more than ever. I love my body, my curly hair, my ambition and strength. I love myself for the woman I have become. I know that I’m an amazing person and I would never change anything about myself. This break-up has given me strength to conquer my dreams and to take on everything this world has to offer.

This break-up has also made me realize that I still love him and I still believe in that dream and our future more than ever. As much as I should run the other way because he broke my heart, I just can’t do it yet. I still believe when the time is right, our paths will cross again.

Time will tell if what I believe in my heart will come true, but until then, I’m focused on me and maintaining the strength I discovered during one of the hardest times in my life.

– Sarah Sudar

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Innocence

We talked for 5 hours a day for one month over a date app this summer. I am an 35 Asian virgin without any relationship before while he is an experienced kinky European. We haven’t met. He spent long time explaining and sharing both my confusions and his opinions about males and relationships. He was considerate and cautious because I had many sexual harrassment experiences since adolescence; meanwhile, he asked for intimacy. I felt stressed out because I knew I would regret if he was playing. He said he would offer a kind of commitment like living together and maybe a marriage if he felt good. He said he lived with his ex(a girl in my country) for 4 years during which they broke up for 4 times and ended up dumped by her. He felt hurt for 10 months and stayed single for 2 years. The girl brought him the best sexual experiences. So, I was concerned about how kinky he was. He said his level was light, just bite and slap like a fight between he and his sisters. One day, he found I haven’t even watched a real porn so he wanted to send me one. I replied “Yes, please. Besides, I prefer to share other values with you.” He was furious. He said “we are too different to be together. You are a stranger to all the knowledge of relationships. It’s difficult for me to change accordingly. But maybe someday… ” Two weeks later, I found he blocked me online. I misused “prefer to share other values.” I didn’t belittle his values. I just wanted to know more about him and then decide what to do next. How could I promise him intimacy before meeting? I am not sure whether I will like his kinkiness. I feel thankful but lost because he seems to have cared about me a lot. He is popping up whenever I am free. What should I do to help myself grow up from this experience? I hope next time I won’t be so awkward and ignorant.

Reply November 22, 2015, 12:45 pm

Brittany

So he left saying it wasn’t me or loss of love for me but he had never lived on his own, never moved out of his parents (he was 24 at the time, I 23) and he was on probation and that was being lifted in about two months and that had consumed 2 1/2 important years, years he should have been at college, finding who he is, being completely independent and figuring out a direction in life. And his accident that led to probation kept him from that, so it was just bad timing that it happened when we hit our year and a half together mark, but he knew and I knew without him saying he’d take some time and we’d get back together. I mean we were it, so in love, making people sick with how attached and “perfect we were, spending so much time together. He had proposed (3 times actually; long story) so we were on cloud 9 and had looked at rings just a month prior so I was shocked but even in him explaining, I knew he needed that experience for him and I wanted it for him, and he said he needed to do it alone. So I supported him and we were very cordial.
He lived with me for about two and a half more months until moving across the street to rent out his parents basement since it was a temp situation and we talked every day, got along great and actually didn’t quiet stop affectionate and romantic behavior when we got together to hang out. But it didn’t feel wrong and I felt like his girl, we both expressed we were still in love and it was more like a break then break up, so I felt not too bad. We could love each other through it and get back together when he felt he experienced what he needed to to feel whole by himself.
However about 3 months or so after our break and continued affectionate acquaintances, I learned he’d been hiding a girlfriend this whole time. And that they were a couple while he still lived with me (but no, not while we were official). This broke my heart but he confessed to me and her that he was interested in her but he wasn’t satisfied by their relationship in any sense and that’s why he was still turning to me. She also confessed she used him as bait to get her husband (you heard me right) jealous and have his attention so merely was using my ex and wasn’t heartbroken but pissed. So they were done and my ex was coming to me wanting to prove I could trust him and didn’t want to lose what we had and genuinely felt bad he was that stupid. I told him I needed to take my time and take small steps, still wanted him around but relationship and affection were iffy for me and he’d have a lot of proving to get my trust back but I would try.
Well this man I truly feel is the one and it wasn’t long before when we were around each other, our chemistry is just there. He made the majority of the moves and I did stop things a lot and demand that I needed us, that he needed to do what he needed for himself as a single man and then come back to me because I wasn’t happy just living apart and feeling like a long distance gf. He agreed and we were doing great, actually were right back to about where he had my trust and we were going to get back together.
But he met a girl from two hours away and the went very slowly to a friendship (his friend is her roommate) to we are “I guess together, we’re definitely dating and she’s my girlfriend we just haven’t had the official talk proclaiming that”. Well it’s been 3 months about that they have been “dating” and for a long time I heard it was no more then cuddle on couch and kissing- no shared bed anything. Anyways I don’t really know their grounds now but there are never pictures of them, he says single on FB and everyone of his friends and family tell me they dunno what he is doing calling her his girlfriend cuz they have a middle school love and nt much in common and she is immature etc. and tell me it’s nothing like he has with me, they don’t like her and can’t wait til he gets his senses together and comes back to me.
So will he? I truly believe we will end up married. I am grateful he never cheated on me but he has cheated on both those females with me (and without me knowing he was taken). We didn’t have issues, he only really had stress from his 12 hr 6 days a week job and then having to come home and give about 2 hours to me helping with tasks my paralysis from waist down permits me from doing. So I can see where he’d snap and especially when he doesn’t feel he’s had a chance to evaluate all his life and he’s picking out an engagement ring.
I feel it just will take some growing up and him being on his own, dating bad girlfriends (hopefully this chic will last a month or less) and he will know the happy life he has with me and we can work together in adapting things to make it easier for us both. Just as I have hired an aide so he will no longer have the strain of my healthcare needs on his shoulders. Spare you time telling me we won’t work because I already am very sure and have faith in our love we will find each other again before our lives are over. Just what do I do now? I only want him, it doesn’t feel right dating in the meantime but I am so lonely waiting on a man who keeps saying he is coming back but sure isn’t holding back from dating while waiting to be with me.

Reply February 26, 2015, 4:51 am

Danielle

Hi, All
I would say by reading Sarah’s story it was heart breaking but also made me think about my situation. I only have started to date a guy for like 4 months now. It is certainly not a long relationship and at first I felt like maybe I found someone that understands me. It turns out I do not think he understands me at all. Some would say I have not given me the ultimate chance to know me but that is not true. It seems when we are having a great time there is always a reason to have an arugment. My friends are all married and I somtimes feel the reason I stay with this guy is d ue to my lonelness and the fact I want that dream that every women has is her wedding day and that first chance at a married life with someone that you just can not wait to spend the rest of your life with. So I stay positive and I firmly believe that someday, someone will walk into my life and make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. But until that day I am on the journey of a life time, in hopes to find that one special person.

Reply October 15, 2012, 1:50 am

Sophie

Your stories and Eric’s personal experience have helped me find some clarity into my current situation..
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and a half, all this time we’ve been long distance because i was still studying and he was working. The first 2 years of the relationship i must say i took him for granted and didnt treat him properly. When i realised and worked hard for forgiveness, he treated me crap for the remaining year and a half but, somehow god knows how, we were still together. Until recently a few months back, things had started to get better…as if we had punished eachother enough, and we were equal. Just when i thought all lessons were learnt, i found out that he had remained in contact with his ex through the years. Although he wasnt really implying or suggesting anything, she was often all over him crossing bounderies and he never stopped this behaviour. I felt disrespected and irrelevant. He was trying to spare her feelings. Anyhow, i confronted him and i guess i swallowed this disappointment. When then i thought things couldnt get worse, that things had to go forward…he announced to me that he decided to quit his job and move back abroad to his family house because he wasnt happy with his job and where he was living, which means leaving me basically behind to finish my studies which is actually just 2-3 months. He never sounded like he wanted me to join him when i was done or that we had a future to plan. So i guess these two last bombs were too much for me to take. I figured this guy is giving me too much pain and stress than its worth, so we broke up. Yet it confuses me because he says im his one and only, he adores me, etc. Well then how come he is prepared to leave then, how come he is not planning our near future?

I really hope i can get some opinion, thank you.

Reply May 7, 2012, 10:34 pm

Brittany

He seems to be very focused on him and his life. A grown man realizes work is hardly ever going to be what you love to do and when it is, you’re lucky and should be very grateful. I think a man that truly felt you were where his happiness lies would have stuck through the job or talked to you about how he wanted to quit and was going to get a new one and keep it just long enough for you to finish school. However he neither consulted you, sacrificed for you or even made sure you knew you were welcome to come to him when you were done

I think he does feel you are his one and only because you have never demanded his love sacrifice and commitment for your relationship, so he is in love with the laid back all-my-way relationship you let him have. You need to demand from him what you need in a relationship and what you require if he is going to plan to make you his. If he can’t compromise or starts acting completely different, I hate to say it but I think he cared for you but was in love with the idea of a woman that let him have too much freedom and never thought about giving, just all take.

Reply February 26, 2015, 4:15 am

Germaine Windley

WOW, ITS FUNNY YOU MENTION JOBS.. I JUST GOT CURSED OUT CAUSE I WORK PARTTIME. WOW AND I DONT OWN A HOME.. MADE ME FEEL LIKE I SHOULD NOT DATE WOMEN OR IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Reply August 8, 2009, 11:19 am

elena

wow…this really hit home…my guy left abruptly late last year…eric’s comments really resonated with me…i just couldn’t understand why he left without a word…after years together…i lost not only the love of my life…but my best friend…but it really does make sense…the job loss was when it all started to crumble…do paths ever cross again? mine did…fortunately for me…i found someone who communicates with me…even during his down days…unfortunately for the guy who left…he is back…saying he misses me…but i have moved on…there was a long period of time…that i didn’t think i would…but i did…and i can look back now…and be thankful that it happened…

Reply June 30, 2009, 2:51 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Elena,

Thank you for saying that. I love hearing that things I’ve said resonated with you. It means a lot to me.

I am glad to hear that ultimately you found happiness with a good man who’s a good match for you, even during down-days and tough-times.

Marcel Pagnol once said, “[People] always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.” I believe that’s true and your story shows that – even when things were terrible and you thought you’d never move on, eventually you did and you’re happy for how everything turned out.

Reply July 2, 2009, 12:06 am

michelle

Jada..That makes so much sense. I hope they come along quickly.

Reply June 28, 2009, 4:32 pm

Jada

Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked with anyone else.

Reply June 27, 2009, 10:49 pm

Sarah

I cant believe I’m still getting comments on my post! You guys have no idea how great it feels to have others in the same boat and that reading this is also helping you guys! I cant agree more with Michelle- love will prevail for all of us!

Reply June 14, 2009, 7:15 pm

Michelle

OMG…I am so happy to have read this. I am totally in the same situation. I know I have found the love of my life and we are trying right now. We have some problems because we live far apart, but when were having trouble the last few months, I still believed we would end up together. I also became really strong, confident and realized how much I loved myself. All my friends thought I was crazy for going back to him, but I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks this way. I know love will prevail for all of us.

Reply June 12, 2009, 10:36 pm

Sarah

I can only speak for myself, but i do believe that if its meant to be, paths will cross again. But I also believe that if you wait for it to cross again, it won’t.

In my situation, my heart right now still believe when the timing is right, our paths will cross again. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong. only time will tell. No matter what happens, you hav to follow your heart. Any my heart is still believing in that future planned above.

Reply May 29, 2009, 11:30 am

Juwita Jalil

This is something that I am currently going through.
I just don’t get it why men tend to retreat and just go MIA.
We are there to go through the toughest time with them.
But instead when they hit rock bottom, the first thing they do is retreat.
Leaving with no reason.
Here’s something I just wrote recently about breakups. Indeed I have picked up and feel much better.
I still miss him, I do care. Perhaps I still love him.
I know I should let it go. But deep inside I feel like eventually we will pick up where we have left.
Fingers crossed girls.

http://www.juwitajalil.com/2009/05/27/breakups/

Reply May 29, 2009, 10:44 am

Julie Gong

also i just thought of this and i want your opinion…

do you think its naive to believe that when the time is right your paths will cross again? because i totally don’t, but sometimes i think its very lame of me to keep that flicker alive.

Reply May 29, 2009, 10:16 am

Julie Gong

isn’t it funny how a lot of people have similar stories that are completely different yet completely the same?

i’m a firm believer in the fact that love always hopes…

Reply May 29, 2009, 9:35 am

Sabrina Alexis

Eric, I think we might have to turn your comment on men and their jobs into a post. I have also read studies on how women gain worth from their relationships while men gain a sense of worth from being productive, i.e through their work. I think a lot of women will benefit from hearing the man’s perspective on it. Get to work! haha

Reply May 28, 2009, 5:02 pm

Sarah

Eric

You are 100% right on this. I already knew this and I understand where he, you, or any guy comes from. I think for a guy, being the “provider” in a relationship something they hold dear to them, and when something jeopordizes that, it breaks them down. Being in a serious relationship with future plans is a lot of pressure, in general, and when there is a jobloss, that future is threatened. He doesnt know this, but when he did loose his job, I started saving money for us and that future, and for me, becuase I wasnt sure what would happen with us. Who knows what will happen, but I am excited to see what life has in store for me now.
Thank you for giving us insight on the male perspective! It’s greatly appreciated.

Sarah

Reply May 28, 2009, 11:42 am

Eric Charles

I like how you put it… and it’s true.

Reply May 28, 2009, 2:30 pm

Eric Charles

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for sharing your story.

I think Jules hit the nail on the head when she said that reading this made her feel better, knowing that she’s not alone in experiencing something like this. That’s the whole reason we created this section – to let women know that they’re not alone and to empower them in knowing that things really will get better.

I wanted to comment because I saw you mentioned that he lost his job. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that when I’ve had career problems, it has been a rough time for my relationship.

Careers are important to everyone, but I think that a man’s career / job affects a man’s psyche in a different way than women’s. There was a recent study I saw about this – women, psychologically speaking, are able to “bounce back” much quicker than men when they lose their job.

I don’t know how to describe it… but when I had a job I hated or when I didn’t have a job, I actually didn’t want a relationship. The feeling was a combination of feeling unworthy, worthless, frustrated, confused and a desire to isolate myself. It was like I didn’t want to be in a relationship because I didn’t want to deal with having a woman worrying about me or trying to encourage me or (on the other side of things) be disappointed in me. I didn’t want to feel like I had a good woman with me “on a sinking ship”.

I’m not trying to justify it – I’m just saying that this is how I felt. I was stressed by the idea of being in the relationship and that stress became associated with the relationship. Bottom line was that I just didn’t have it all figured out or handled… internally or externally. And for me, that’s a big problem because I like having things figured out and handled.

Anyway – I’m just sharing how I’ve felt in the past when I was going through rough times in my career. I hope you find it helpful.

Good luck!

Reply May 28, 2009, 11:23 am

Sarah

It also helps me that I’m not the only one feeling the same way. Everything does happen for a reason. Why my story above happened, I’m still not sure yet. I want to believe it has happened so that if/when our love does come back around, it will be better than it was before. But who knows. It is kinda exciting to see what’s in store, but so bittersweet becuase its so hard to move on. Thanks for the comment.

Reply May 27, 2009, 2:43 pm

Brittany

I know how it feels to have the hope and see the truth in a stronger future because of the tumultuous past. And I think in reality, the strongly bond, truly dedicated and in love couples don’t come from getting it right and all being well the first time around. I think if it starts wonderful and then you find rocks and pain but still feel love, even if someone isn’t expressing it or leaves, the love wasn’t lost and if both parties can deal with making it the past to learn and grow from, then they will certainly be stronger and in my eyes more commendable because they had a battle and made it. Couples that breeze through or avoid conflict aren’t an open book to their spouse and in a way are walking on eggshells and hiding too much of themselves and their needs to be considered having a successful and happy relationship. They have a safe and cordial relationship.
I will go to war with and for the man I love to make us work. And I will fight against him leaving to fight for us because I know we have our whole lives together full of happiness and part of loving him is to not give up on him and I would be if I gave up on us.

Reply February 26, 2015, 5:01 am

Jules

When I read your story…I felt like I had just written that. Same time frame…everything. That’s EXACTLY how I feel right now. Asking myself why he had to leave and why he questioned so many things. It’s hard to know that you may have to say goodbye to what you think is the love of your life… ugh. What a yucky feeling. Thank you for sharing your story…it truly makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone in this and I’m not the only one who has felt this way…and I must keep reminding myself that things happen for a reason.

Reply May 27, 2009, 2:34 pm

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