Recently a great friend of mine was on a date and he told me how he met this girl who was very attractive and seemed lovely, yet once they started talking he felt like he was experiencing a Spanish Inquisition.
Do you have a mental checklist that is so “loud” that it has men running and disconnected before you’ve even ordered a drink or said hello? Most of us are guilty of having a mental checklist. Having a mental checklist is not so much of an issue, it’s how you manage or execute this checklist that will either have men drawn to you and wanting to know more about you or not.
Most of us have felt hurt from a past relationship and over time develop a list of what’s important to us in a relationship, what are deal breakers and so on. When it comes to dating, women are really great at asking men lots of questions to find out if the man who is sitting in front of them is worthy of their time — this can happen via email and on the phone.
You may want to know:
- Does this guy have good intentions?
- Is he going to hurt me?
- Does he have a good job?
- Does he treat women well?
- Is he anything like my ex?
- Does he have addiction issues?
Even though you may have really good intentions and you’re trying to be wise in dating and in love, you might be coming off as an interrogator more so than the loving, warm and beautiful woman you are.
The following is what normally happens when you’re in checklist mode:
- He’ll feel that you’re making him wrong, or trying to, and no one likes that, you included!
- You might be thinking that you’re being subtle. Think again. While you’re in checklist mode your energy will speak volumes. Your vibe often gives more away than your words. “Energy” is much louder than you may realize. Be mindful to check in with what you’re giving out non-verbally. Tone, facial expressions, body language, eyes, inner thoughts.
- You may rapidly fire make or break questions at the guy. Give him a chance to relax with you and show him who he is. Do you want to be seen as a headmistress or a potential girlfriend?
- When you’re in a mental or analytical mode most men won’t be able connect with you. If you drop into your heart and date from a place of wonder while keeping your eyes nicely open at the same time, he’ll be more likely to ask you out on a second and third date and many more. Men like women they feel accepted by and comfortable with so connect with your heart.
- You might pigeonhole him or place him into a box (a perceived negative box) before you’ve gotten to know him. Yes, he may be a narcissist, he may have some big issues and maybe in some way he does remind you of your ex. Just be careful that you’re not jumping to conclusions too soon. Having a list is okay, it’s how you source the information – the guy should not be able to feel like he’s on watch.
I’m not suggesting you date blindly – having some clarity is important. There are men who are not going to be right for you and sometimes you will know this on first meeting. If he seems like a nice guy then give him a chance. When people are nervous and wanting to impress they can be very different to what they’re like once you get to know them. This works both ways, men can also have a check list and women can be nervous and not present too well on a first date.
Be gentle and date from your heart, not your head. You might be surprised at how much more open and attracted the man is to you and you him.
Coach, Writer, Healthy Love Expert