I dated a guy for seven months, on and off, never official although we both claimed to be monogamous. He kept saying he needed to get his life sorted out and would only be around when he needed me.
Eventually I gave up and dumped him which blew up into a huge fight where I said plenty that I regret now. I found out he was dating another girl while we were “together” (he lied). A month later now, he sends me text messages like “I wish you weren’t crazy :(“. I made a mistake. I want him back.
But why is he sending me these messages if he seriously thinks I am crazy, when HE is the one who CHEATED and LIED? Does he just want me to beg?
There’s a funny thing about manipulation.
You can only manipulate someone if they either:
a) Have a pain or fear inside that they want to avoid.
b) They have a huge, blinding hunger for something and will do anything to get it.
Right now, you’re feeling lonely. You’re feeling sad and you are regretting some of the things you said and did.
There is nothing wrong with feeling regret for a little while. It’s good and healthy to see the things that you would have done differently if you had another chance. That’s what learning, growth and maturity require. (People who say they have no regrets are full of crap.)
What is done is done. Don’t let your regret turn into guilt, sadness or shame. Don’t let that be a pain point.
There is nothing wrong with you feeling lonely or missing him. You spent a lot of time with him and had good memories. You wish you could have that feeling back.
But just because you feel regret and loneliness does not mean you should get back together with him, nor does it necessarily mean that breaking it off was a bad move. When you were in the situation, you knew in your heart that you were settling. You knew you were getting less than what you know you’re worth.
It’s your guilt, sadness and loneliness that is clouding that fact. You are not seeing that you were settling and you are second-guessing and blaming yourself.
When he texts you, your heart jumps. You remember the good times. You fantasize that he will appear and all the sadness will disappear. Meanwhile, he’s baiting you right back in with the same game he had been playing to begin with.
When he says, “I wish you weren’t crazy :(“, the translation is:
1) I want you to respond, but I am going to be vague to hide that I care
2) I am implying that you were wrong
3) I am implying that I have no fault or responsibility in what happened
4) You hurt me and you should feel bad about that
5) I miss you, but I am too much of a wuss to say how I feel and be vulnerable
At the end of the day, he wants you to feel like you screwed up the relationship, so that you feel guilty and he can manipulate you easily.
I mean no offense when I say this, but usually when I see a girl in this position, she always goes back to the guy. So I feel like I’m wasting my keystrokes typing this, but I’m going to try.
If you want to go back to him, you need to make sure you do the following for yourself and your relationship with him:
1) Get clear on what you regret, think about what you learned and then forgive yourself.
2) Give up your guilt, your loneliness and your sadness. If you allow them to remain in you, he will manipulate you.
3) Remember that he re-emerged probably because things fell apart with the other girl, he couldn’t get a date and/or his pride won’t allow him to let you move on. Remember that…
4) He wants you back, but he wants you to think it’s all your idea. Don’t let him off the hook like that or he’ll never take responsibility for anything. If he wants you, make him say it.
5) Let go of any anger or resentment you feel towards him. If you need to talk it out with him to squash it, fine, but be done with it. You need to let that poison go too.
Finally to answer your questions:
He is into you.
And yes, he wants you to beg. So he can have you under his thumb, while he continues to try (and possibly succeed at) picking up other girls…
… OR you could get really clear on what you would settle for and what you won’t settle for, then accept nothing less.