Ask a Guy: My Ex Cheated, But I Want Him Back post image

Ask a Guy: My Ex Cheated, But I Want Him Back


I dated a guy for seven months, on and off, never official although we both claimed to be monogamous.  He kept saying he needed to get his life sorted out and would only be around when he needed me.

Eventually I gave up and dumped him which blew up into a huge fight where I said plenty that I regret now.  I found out he was dating another girl while we were “together” (he lied). A month later now, he sends me text messages like “I wish you weren’t crazy :(“.  I made a mistake.  I want him back.

But why is he sending me these messages if he seriously thinks I am crazy, when HE is the one who CHEATED and LIED?  Does he just want me to beg?

There’s a funny thing about manipulation.

You can only manipulate someone if they either:

a)  Have a pain or fear inside that they want to avoid.

or

b)  They have a huge, blinding hunger for something and will do anything to get it.

Right now, you’re feeling lonely.  You’re feeling sad and you are regretting some of the things you said and did.

There is nothing wrong with feeling regret for a little while.  It’s good and healthy to see the things that you would have done differently if you had another chance.  That’s what learning, growth and maturity require.  (People who say they have no regrets are full of crap.)

What is done is done.  Don’t let your regret turn into guilt, sadness or shame.  Don’t let that be a pain point.

There is nothing wrong with you feeling lonely or missing him.  You spent a lot of time with him and had good memories.  You wish you could have that feeling back.

But just because you feel regret and loneliness does not mean you should get back together with him, nor does it necessarily mean that breaking it off was a bad move. When you were in the situation, you knew in your heart that you were settling.  You knew you were getting less than what you know you’re worth.

It’s your guilt, sadness and loneliness that is clouding that fact.  You are not seeing that you were settling and you are second-guessing and blaming yourself.

');

When he texts you, your heart jumps.  You remember the good times.  You fantasize that he will appear and all the sadness will disappear. Meanwhile, he’s baiting you right back in with the same game he had been playing to begin with.

When he says, “I wish you weren’t crazy :(“, the translation is:

1)  I want you to respond, but I am going to be vague to hide that I care
2)  I am implying that you were wrong
3)  I am implying that I have no fault or responsibility in what happened
4)  You hurt me and you should feel bad about that
5)  I miss you, but I am too much of a wuss to say how I feel and be vulnerable

At the end of the day, he wants you to feel like you screwed up the relationship, so that you feel guilty and he can manipulate you easily.

I mean no offense when I say this, but usually when I see a girl in this position, she always goes back to the guy.  So I feel like I’m wasting my keystrokes typing this, but I’m going to try.

If you want to go back to him, you need to make sure you do the following for yourself and your relationship with him:

1)  Get clear on what you regret, think about what you learned and then forgive yourself.
2)  Give up your guilt, your loneliness and your sadness.  If you allow them to remain in you, he will manipulate you.
3)  Remember that he re-emerged probably because things fell apart with the other girl, he couldn’t get a date and/or his pride won’t allow him to let you move on.  Remember that…
4)  He wants you back, but he wants you to think it’s all your idea.  Don’t let him off the hook like that or he’ll never take responsibility for anything.  If he wants you, make him say it.
5)  Let go of any anger or resentment you feel towards him.  If you need to talk it out with him to squash it, fine, but be done with it.  You need to let that poison go too.

Finally to answer your questions:

He is into you.

And yes, he wants you to beg.  So he can have you under his thumb, while he continues to try (and possibly succeed at) picking up other girls…

… OR you could get really clear on what you would settle for and what you won’t settle for, then accept nothing less.

Hope it helps,
eric charles

6 comments… add one

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Chrysalis

Wow, brave move, congratulations. I wish you much success on your endeavors. I think from all I’ve read, you should be a good guide for others. Good luck with it!

Reply April 8, 2011, 9:11 pm

Eric Charles

@ Chrys – Thanks. No, haven’t stopped writing – I love writing this section, I’ve just been busy. I gave up the day job in January, so I’m a full-time dating coach now. And that translates to working on my business constantly so I don’t starve. 😛 As for nitch vs. niche, I do that constantly too… ‘cept it’s way more embarrassing when I claim to be a “writer”. Hehe.

Reply April 8, 2011, 7:52 pm

Chrysalis

Ooops, niche. haha I do that every now and then.

Reply April 8, 2011, 6:53 pm

Chrysalis

Very true, Eric. The ‘ol you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink -until they’re ready. I am very glad to hear that the young lady in question made a wise choice.

I had wondered if you had stopped writing there for a bit. It had been some time since I read anything new. You fill a rare nitch in the blogosphere, and it’s interesting to read your take on things.

Devon, hilarious analogy. That made me chuckle. What a picture… all those squirrels hoisting up some poor soul for the grand crowning of “Bowling for Hippos,” whatever that may be.

Reply April 8, 2011, 6:52 pm

Eric Charles

@ Chrys – Thank you, I appreciate hearing that – I really try to give my best in my posts and hearing that you’ve enjoyed it means a lot to me.
.
I hear you in terms of not going back. Let me give you some perspective on where I have to come from when I write these articles:
.
A lot of the time, the person writing the question “knows” the right answer, but they don’t want to believe it. And even if they know what the “right” move is, they may not take it.
.
The problem here is that if they know what they should have done but then do the opposite (e.g. go back to the guy instead of kicking him to the curve), then their ears are going to shut off when I tell them a hard answer immediately.
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For that reason, I would much rather deliver 5-10 different ways of looking at the situation to guide them through different contemplations and epiphanies.
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When a man or a woman is having a painful relationship / dating problem, they want the problem to go away. But their fear and pain usually prevents them from looking at the problem!
.
If I can guide someone through the process of thinking about it, they will reach the best solution on their own and they will actually follow through with it. It is my philosophy that people don’t need answers / information – they need someone to help them through the painful part of seeing the situation for what it is and carrying through to the ultimate decision.
.
My blunt answer is that the reader should close the door on him, work on being her most attractive self and find a new guy. But if I just said it like that, she wouldn’t have had the epiphanies and viewpoints created in her mind to give her the strength to follow through with shutting the door on him.
.
The reader e-mailed me after this post, saying that she will NEVER go back to him and that I helped her make the decision. In my opinion (and all of this is my opinion, nothing more), she made the right move. 🙂
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@ Devon – Thanks man. Like I said to Chrys, I agree but being “right” for the sake of being right wasn’t my goal. Creating the epiphany in her was. 😉

Reply April 8, 2011, 6:19 pm

Chrys

Eric, it’s nice to see you posting again. I found some of your older posts and enjoyed reading them. It’s nice to see the male perspective, and I usually agree with the advice you’ve given. After all – no one can know men, like another man.

In this case though…If I were the young lady, there would be no way I would reopen the door to this guy. She would be asking for a world of hurt. Let him go, be brave and tell him to move on. It’s okay to feel flattered to think he may have wanted you back, but those kind only want what they can’t have. She would never be able to trust this man.

Reply April 8, 2011, 6:59 am

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