Ask A Guy: Does He Just Want Sex? post image

Ask A Guy: Does He Just Want Sex?


I’ve been seeing someone for about 2 months now, and we have sex often but he won’t call me his girlfriend even though we’ve met each other’s families, spend a lot of time together and act like we are dating. Is telling him I won’t have sex with him anymore because we aren’t dating, and I’m now uncomfortable with it, a bad idea? I think it might help me see if he’s only in it for sex, but I’m not sure.

Read our guy’s response after the jump!

Here are my immediate thoughts:

First, be very careful about using the words “just” or “only” when it comes to relationships or sex. No man is in a relationship “just” for sex. That’s not to say that every man’s reason is beyond superficial or is “good” for the other person. That would be a naive and ridiculous thing for me to claim.

What I’m saying is that there’s some reason he chose you versus the other billions of women he could have chose on Earth. In other words, there’s at least one reason he chose you other than the fact that he can have sex with you. It’s useful to realize that there’s always more than one reason a man choose a woman, so the more useful question you could ask yourself is, “What are all the reasons he chose me over all the other women on Earth?”

This is an empowering question because it puts your mind on all your high-points and what you bring to a relationship. If you ask yourself whether or not you’re being used for sex, it will immediately put you on the defensive and fill you with fears… And most of the time we’re filled with fears about things that would never happen and will never happen… and yet we have them.

It’s very important that you ask yourself questions that empower you. Nobody can do that for you, you have to make the decision to do that and take that responsibility.

With that being said, if you’ve met his family and he’s met yours… if you spend a lot of time together… if you act like boyfriend and girlfriend…. well????? :)

I’m being a little silly with how I’m saying this, but if all these things are in place, you’re pretty much his girlfriend. And yet, you’re choosing to focus on the title…

Now, this is something countless women have brought up and will continue to bring up. The title, the title, the title…

I can tell you this, both from personal experience and from hearing from tons of other men: The best way to determine the woman to be with is to see how she reacts when you don’t give her what she wants. I mean, think about it. Sure, it’s easy to be with a woman when she’s happy and when you’re doing everything she wants. But that’s not always possible – every man knows that sooner or later the woman is going to be unhappy with something he said or did. It’s better to know how she’ll be sooner rather than later.

Now, before you explode into saying, “That’s not fair, that’s ridiculous!” let me say that women have their way of testing a man and men have their ways of testing a woman. Yeah, we all complain about it, but testing is a good thing. Testing is how we protect ourselves from long-term heartache and eventual heartbreak.

So my advice is to think about this like a test. Focus on having a high-quality relationship. Focus on making sure the relationship as a whole meets all of your expectations. Focus on being really clear on all the reasons he’s chosen you. Focus on bringing your best self to the table. And focus on testing things out as well. It’s important that you are clear on what really, truly matters to you. If this relationship does not deliver that, it’s better you know that now.

But I believe that you’ll get this clarity not by sizing up the man, but sizing up the relationship.

I’m being a little abstract here, but stay with me. What I’m saying is that ... (continued - Click to keep reading Ask A Guy: Does He Just Want Sex?)

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chinni

if any one want to sex , in hyd from miyapur to lingampally mail me .iwill keep in touch r give a call 2 u ok

Reply August 12, 2014, 4:15 am

nancy

I read some of the artical and I didn’t like it one bit. If you men wanna have sex and no relationship why do you go after woman that want a relationship why not go after a hooker. If you’re not willing to give a woman what she wants why should she give you any sex at all or give you the time of day? The problem with men is that they always goes after the nice women for sex and complain when the nice woman wants a relationship or affection. My question is why don’t they go after a hooker? That way you never have to worry about affection, relationships or anything.

Reply July 25, 2014, 12:52 pm

Sheryl Santiago

Hi eric i find it very useful and everynight i read this article i could hardly understand why does the man continue to find your presence even u slept with him byt u dnt allow him to have sex with u.he still call 1 times in 2 weeks but late at night its very confusing for ne because i never had a real relationship at my age of 30 ilike the guy but im confuse if just wanted sex or do he likes me

Reply July 18, 2014, 8:51 pm

Sagittarius Lady

Hey Eric,

I liked some of the points you made in your posts and your responses to other’s comments but there’s one part that confused me a little. When you mentioned stepping back and witholding from giving a girl what she wants and then watching her reaction, it’s only natural for me to stop and take a second to wonder if the guy deserves me for being patient and understanding while it’s clear he is testing me. That would make me instantly want to pull away because things wouldn’t be genuine then. Would you consider that a bad reaction coming from a girl? If she just happen to want to stop contact with someone who is surely confused and confusing the other person as well?

I am just curious. I always hope for the best but there are times when I know I should run away. Why would I show someone all I can give them and in reply, they would withhold giving back the same about of affection, respect, and attention? And also, did everyone seem to forget the point of unconditionally love in this day and age?

Reply July 14, 2014, 12:38 am

Nicole

Sorry Eric,
If a man isn’t calling you his girlfriend after 3 months and is sleeping with you, huge red flag. I say it’s possible he could be emotionally unavailable.
Also, to say a woman doesn’t “need” anything in a relationship is insane. It allows a mr. Or mrs. Unavailable to get away with jackassery behavior. Unless you are being the type of person that is highly insecure, seeks constant validation or has unhealthy ideas of personal space….there is nothing wrong with having “needs”, a person who is emotionally unavailable will label anyone with healthy boundaries or needs as being “needy”.

Read up on Natalie Lue ;)

Reply May 4, 2014, 5:01 pm

Amaretto

While I agree with a lot of what the author is saying about men, it still doesn’t really solve the problem at hand which is a girl’s unease. A guy doesn’t choose a girl just for sex, no, he is not a monster, but be that as it may, if a guy seems to be interested dis-proportionally towards that end of the line, or can’t even call a girl he’s sleeping with his “girlfriend”, then this is a problem. Explaining the method of testing a girl does explain things, but it doesn’t really help. In the end, I feel women have to decide for themselves on the course of action that is best in this situation. Life is too short to be struggling with someone who tests you, and leaves you feeling unsure. I’ve dated quite a bit, and while your dude may be a decent guy, only you can decide how much pain you are willing to go through to be with him…

Reply February 20, 2014, 12:06 pm

Eric Charles

We’re in agreement…

To sum it all up very succinctly: If a woman is in the position where she doubts whether her relationship is anything more than a sex-based casual hookup relationship… chances are… she’s right.

If she wants that, great, have at it (and I want to be very clear that I’m not saying that sarcastically… there’s nothing wrong with a woman having a hookup-only type relationship if that’s what she wants).

Where women get into trouble is that they recognize the relationship for what it is, but they want to someone magically transform it into an exclusive, chemistry-based, love-based type relationship.

Good relationships just work… when a woman is with a bad match for a full-fledged relationship-partner, nothing ever feels quite right or stable. Her instincts always know something isn’t working… we just, as a culture, need to learn that means it’s time to move on and not try to force a lack of compatibility to somehow turn into good compatibility. It never, ever does.

Reply February 20, 2014, 1:58 pm

mandy

that is brilliant. I wish I more often sought the advice of MEN about men instead of my clingy obsessive whiny girlfriends. I am the girl that doesnt get tied down in titles and all that other girly crap until I start analying a dating relationship with a girlfriend. Thank you, this has brought so much clarity!!

Reply September 26, 2013, 2:31 am

Theresa

My story is a little different

I was dating a guy for 3 months, when i thought everything was going great he breaks up with me and tells me i have too many daddy issues (since my dad left 6months ago, which i honestly don’t).

Anyways, we didnt see eachother for a couple of months when out of the blue he calls me and asks me out for coffee. I agreed and we decided we would try again. I didnt hear from him for about a month, and all of a sudden a call from him came inviting me to his place, since i was desperate for some news about why i went over.. It seems as if he only wants sex now though. What do you think?

Reply June 27, 2013, 5:25 pm

uigs

The real question is, What do YOU think? Did you go for coffee and then he disappeared then invited to his place? Rather did he skip out on the coffee, disappear and then invite to his place? Either way, he broke up with you and for whatever reason he chose to break it off with you, his reason probably has not changed. His recent contact doesn’t seem to indicate that he is trying to re-build a relationship. A man can decide not to want a relationship with a woman but still desire her for intimacy. If you want a relationship with this man then I would suggest not skipping to intimacy and find out if he is interested in being with you as in trying out a relationship again, or if he is just in it for the perks.

Reply August 7, 2013, 1:27 pm

Lexa

Hi Eric,

My situation is a bit different, I’m in the middle of a separation/divorce.. I started hooking up with somebody else about a month ago. At first we said it was just for the sex.. now when we see each other, he’s so much more sweet, and he tells me that if I was already divorced that things would be different with us. The thing is, he doesn’t text me other then the day we are going to see each other.. he said its because he doesn’t want to interfere with what’s going on with me.. but I don’t know. When i see him he will ask me if i missed him and what not. He gives me mixed signals.. i’m wondering if it will continue once my divorce is finalized if he actually likes me? Or if he is still in it just for the sex.. We see each other once-twice a week. I’m a bit confused and I know if i ask him he won’t say much.. he doesn’t really talk about feelings.. so any advice?

Reply June 9, 2013, 11:17 pm

Yan

I am seeing this guy on and off since Oct. 2012. We just recently hangout, like 5 days ago. Its clear to me that he just want sex from me. He doesn’t text. He would only see me when he “misses” me.
Anyway, five days ago, I was half asleep. I noticed how he will kiss my forehead each time he wakes up. Then, at around 3am, his arms are wrapped around me, he kissed my forehead, and I clearly heard him say, “I love you”. Then he held me tight. I did not say a thing, because I am supposed to be asleep, right? Oh well, I don’t really know if he meant that or he was dreaming or something.
He was just so different that day. He did not text after that day. I did however texted him, saying, “I already miss you…” He did not reply instantly. He replied the following day ” I hope you are having a great day…”
Then, I did not hear from him again. So two days ago, I told him that I think I want to see him before I travel again… He asked when do I leave, but then, I got scared, I said something like I will just see him when I get back in 2 months. Then yesterday, I changed my mind, I asked again until when he is in town, because I feel like I can’t wait for two more months.
Of course he did not reply…
I just realized that whatever he said that night when we are together, I don’t really think he meant that… But, as a woman, I want to know why he said that? But didn’t exactly mean it right?

Reply January 31, 2013, 5:48 pm

Butterfly77

I had my first date with this guy I met through Facebook one week ago. It went well -or great- under my point of view, although I don’t know how he felt about it, since he never made a comment about the date at all or said he had a good time or the classic lines a guy would tell you after a first date, if he really liked you. I have to say, it’s being VERY hard to read this guy. He is mellow, not too chatty, but he’s not boring and I felt we did have a good time. After having a drink, he could have just cut the night short, but instead, we cruised around and went for iced coffee and chocolate and then we chilled in his car and talked for a while. Sorry for giving so many details but I want you to have a better picture of everything so you can help me figuring out my question.
Ok, so at the end of the convo in his car, he suddenly approached me and kissed me. It became very hot and heavy, but I let it happen because it felt right and there was this physical/sexual connection with him. Many women here will understand what I’m trying to say. Now, since we got somewhat sexual on the first date, I instantly knew I had blown my possibilities of being in a relationship with him, in the future. I know how most guys think about a girl who “gives in” so quickly. I can’t change what happened. Anywho, he was a gentleman before and after the steamy session. He kissed me again before I got in my car.
Now, I’m a bit confused about his behavior post date #1 because a) he texts very little and sometimes it’s just a “good morning :-)” or “good night :-)” message. He doesn’t call me at all. I don’t know if he’s just even more quiet by text than he is in person? He also has the tendency of taking forever to reply to my texts and he even ignores my texts sometimes (although he’s said his phone is crappy and sometimes he misses messages). Not so sure. Anyways, he did ask me out on a second date a week after the first date. We were gonna go to dinner last night, but he asked to reschedule for some other time because something came up with his family and he apologized. Now, I don’t think he blew me off, but I’m not sure if he’s only looking for sex, as we were already sort of intimate on the first date. I don’t know either what his feelings about relationships are, as I don’t want to bombard him so soon with relationship-related stuff. I want to go with the flow and not being pushy. I wait until he contacts me -most of the times- as I know men hate to be pursued or if they feel the girl is too needy. Do you think he really likes me? He’s been flirty and nice after the first date but my main concern and his poor communication. Any advice will help. Thanks!

Reply September 16, 2012, 2:47 pm

lola

sounds similar to my situation.
i dont think he likes you

Reply March 22, 2014, 5:18 pm

w

“I am not saying, “Don’t stand up for yourself.” Definitely do. But don’t put pressure on the man or put pressure on the relationship.
When you are absolutely clear on what you want, what you really truly need and what you will not stand for, then you will not need words to communicate this.”

I’m sorry I’m not clear on something. How do you stand up for yourself while at the same time NOT communicate using words????

Reply June 17, 2012, 9:07 pm

w

….I mean to say communicate using NO words.

Reply June 17, 2012, 9:10 pm

sara

just had a question…ive been seeing this guy whos been completely honest about his living situation and the fact that because of it, he cant give me a full relationship- we have both discussed what we want for the time being, and are ok with the situation as it stands…one problem- when we started having sex , he stopped texting- i mean, he knows im busy with work and i text him when i get the chance, but if our conversation doesnt revolve around sex, he stops talking, and has even left me hanging once when we were in the middle of making plans!…it makes me feel awful and ive lost some respect for him, but when we are together he doesnt make me feel this way, so im at a loss(keep in mind i only text maybe once a week if my schedule allows it, and im ok if hes not around 24/7- just cant seem to ignore these feelings that he doesnt respect me .

Reply June 13, 2012, 2:44 am

C

I’m in the same situation, I’ve been having sex with this guy for about 7 months now, he used to text me all the time, but now it’s never unless HE would like to see me. It feels like crap, and he’s slept with someone else, which I saw coming. I’m starting to loose all my care for him. I would talk to your guy about your concerns though, that’s probably the best.

Reply July 9, 2012, 3:42 am

Cillendor

The problem is that you had sex with him. If a guy really loves and respects you, he won’t have sex with you. You may have to tell him no. But as soon as your relationship turns sexual, it is doomed to failure. We guys inevitably get bored with anything we don’t have to work for. If we know we can’t sleep with a girl that we truly love til we marry her, then by golly we are going to conquer that challenge and marry her first. But if we don’t really love her, we’ll leave.

Women, if you want a guy to love you, don’t sleep with him until you are wearing his ring and calling yourself Mrs. Hislastname.

Reply January 25, 2013, 4:55 am

J

Eric,
I need some help. I am a faithful follower of your “Ask A Guy”. I have been dating this guy for about 3 weeks. Our first date we met out and grabbed a couple of drinks. After that, he has just invited me over his house. We both decided to take things slow, and he decided that we should wait to sleep together. Well, on Saturday night he called me up at 1am to come over (note that we live within a mile from each other) to hang out because he missed me and we hadn’t seen each other in a week. I told him that anything after 10pm is a booty call, and he said that he wants more than just sex…he wants a girlfriend and a relationship eventually. So I bought into it and went over and spent the night. We made out again as usual, and ended up naked, but still did not have any kind of sex.

Fast forward to today…one of my male friends said that he is only using me, and any guy that calls that late at night and only wants to hang out at his house is just using me. I am a pretty girl, pretty smart, and have a great job. I am starting to like him and have feelings, but now I am nervous that he is after the wrong thing. I have believed everything he tells me because he has given me no reason to believe otherwise. I don’t know if I should talk to him about how I feel or just let it ride and ‘steer’ in the direction of actually going out on a date. I let him call me, text me, ask me out, but it is always the same thing.

I don’t want to mess things up, but I don’t want to be used. I want to feel valued and appreciated, and I am not interested in anything that is not moving toward a relationship eventually. I have been playing things cool…not acting needy or anything and I am enjoying myself. Just everytime we are together it is at his place making out. What should I do?

Reply April 23, 2012, 5:38 pm

Tracy

Hi J.

I read your post and put some thought into what to make of your situation. First off, I can’t read this guys mind and neither can anyone else, so we don’t actually know his true intentions. However, I am concerned about the fact that he spend all day Saturday doing whatever it was he did, that didn’t include you at all, and then suddenly after he is done doing whatever it was he was doing, you come to mind. It sounds like he acted on an impulse when he called you at 1am. I suggest you don’t agree to see him if he doesn’t make the plan in advance. I think at least one day in advance. I also noticed he doesn’t have to put forth any effort in this relationship at all. He doesn’t even have to do so much as walk to his car, get in it, and drive to you. Even the pizza delivery guy gets a tip for his gas. I would stop doing that too. If he calls late like that again, just don’t answer the phone.

Reply April 23, 2012, 9:41 pm

J

Tracy,
Thank you! You made some great points that I didn’t even think about. I am at a loss for what to do. Do I talk to him about all this? Or do I just change my actions and reaction to him asking me over by saying I have plans on same day requests, and suggest that we should plan on another day to grab a drink or do something? I do not want to get in the rut of hanging out at his house. Thank you again for opening my eyes more to the situation. I want to turn the situation around, but I don’t know how to.

Reply April 23, 2012, 10:11 pm

Tracy

Hi J,

You know, there is really no right or wrong, or clear cut answer to this situation other than what you like and don’t like. I would say that since you ended up on this site asking questions about this, you must have not liked what is going on. It just may be something simple, like maybe he is just a homebody. Maybe he went a week without seeing you because he is just simply lazy. Maybe he went a week without seeing you because he is out doing other things. Maybe he fears rejection so he isn’t coming on strong. I don’t know the answer to any of this. Do you have any ideas of what he has been up to? The possibilities are endless really. You said you have been seeing him for 3 weeks, but out of the 3 weeks you didn’t see him for a week, so you have limited knowledge of who he is. We both could guess endlessly and never guess correctly. What we do know is that you are not liking what is going on. Sometimes we want something from a guy and we get caught up in wanting what the guy is never going to give, so the worst thing you could do at this point is tell him. Until you know him better it is always a bad idea to expose yourself. Have you heard the saying, “the person with the least amount of interest in maintaining the relationship has the most control”? Well, it sounds like you do want a relationship and he isn’t stepping things up fast enough. You don’t like all this ambiguity. I would not allow myself to open myself to him any more than you already have until he shows something more than he has. In fact, maybe running the other direction just might be a good idea. If he cares about you, he will come after you. And if he is too lazy to do that, then you know what he has to offer. Basically nothing. I am doing a lot of guess work here too since I don’t know anything other than what you have said, but essentially same day requests are a bad idea at this point. Why should you scurry around and get beautiful for some guy that didn’t give you any notice at all? It is only common courtesy to ask in advance so you can arrange your schedule around him. You could say something like, “I would love to see you, but I need at least a day in advance. I wasn’t planning on doing anything tonight, so I am just not in the mood now.” I wish I had a crystal ball for you and had all the answers but this is about the best advice I could give. On the other hand, if he calls up and asks you to do something fun and you actually feel like going, then go. If it is just him wanting you to come deliver the “J pizza”, then forget it:) He needs to put forth more effort than a phone call.

Reply April 24, 2012, 5:19 am

Joelle

Hey ERIC!

During this “no title” time period, how far is too far on the sexual level? flirting, making out, oral sex…?? I have been dating this guy for almost three months now and have no titles yet whatsoever. Obviously, we are so into each other, and some dates it is so hard to keep our hands off of each other. But i am very cautious on not screwing things up or doing something wrong. So, how far should we sexually go until we are officially bf/gf?

Please REPLY :)

Reply January 29, 2012, 7:58 am

Amanda

I really am in a position where men only want me for sex and it’s breaking me down more and more every time I meet someone new and the same thing occurs. I don’t know what it is, but I would really really like to know how to stop it!

I recently lost about 84kg, so I’ve gone from morbidly obese and never being noticed to a curvy size 10-12 who apparently drives boys “crazy” (this is them talking, not me). I don’t dress seductively in the slightest; I don’t wear makeup, I don’t wear heels and if you catch me out of my gym clothes and sneakers it’s a lucky day – I live in them! I’m also quite shy about my appearance due to the weightloss, so everything is to the knee or the elbow and my midriff is always covered – no exceptions. So, not sexy I think is the point I’m making.

I get asked out on dates a lot, told I’m beautiful, told they “want” me, can’t stop thinking about me etcetera etcetera. I go on these dates and sometimes they’ll end with a kiss, sometimes with just a goodbye. Each time the guy gets back in touch that night or the next day at latest to tell me how much he liked me. Then I ask what he’s looking for – I didn’t used to, but after multiple bad second and third dates where sex was an expectation I’d rather just ask now. Every time they respond with “well I’m not really looking for a relationship, but .. like .. a friends with benefits arrangement.. would that work for you?”.

As an example, I recently had a couple of dates with a guy I’ve known for a few months. He sent me streams of texts telling me how much he liked me, but because there was a 12 year age gap and he already had children I knew that this was not going to end in a relationship. I let him know that I didn’t think I was what he was looking for, because I really do want to have children in the future and he doesn’t. He responded by asking if we could be friends and I agreed.

I then started receiving dirty messages from him, telling me all the naughty things he wanted to do with his new friend (me). I responded by telling him I didn’t appreciate being spoken to like a walking glory hole and that if that was the kind of friendship he was after he had the wrong girl. He’s no longer talking to me.

So, what is it? I’m young(ish) (26), I’m fit, I’m healthy, I’m intelligent, I have a full time job in IT and a part time job as a personal trainer, I like going to footy games, my favourite hobbies include camping, fishing, cycling and bushwalking … in my own mind, I’m a catch to hold on to, so why am I continually treated like the cheap throw-away toy kids get at Christmas???

Can anyone provide any insight?

Reply January 9, 2012, 4:59 am

Amanda

I know what you mean. I am in the exact same situation. All the guys I meet seem to end up just thinking of me as their booty-call.
Even if I tell the guy upfront that I’m not interested in a friends with benefits thing, he will always end up asking me those obvious stupid perv questions: what are you wearing/send me a pic etc etc.
Even if I do like the guy, this forward-ness always puts me off.

I would be the perfect girl friend…so i dont understand why none of these men want a serious relationship with me.
We have to hang in there…im sure our Men are out there somewhere

Reply January 23, 2012, 7:33 am

Tracy

Hi, I was reading this and wondered where you are meeting these guys. I think that is going to determine the type of man you meet. I would steer clear of online dating and meeting guys in bars. That seems to be the type that act the way you described. Good luck!

Reply March 12, 2012, 12:34 am

lm

Tracy –

The first thing I’d like to say is that, reading through the comments, you seem to give a lot of great common-sense advice to girls/women in general.

However, I have to say I think it’s more than a little naïve to suggest that online “dating” and bars are the only places you can meet men who behave like this. It isn’t about a “type” of man. You can meet men like this at the library, wearing your business suit. I met an executive vice president at a networking meeting who, a few weeks later, was (though in a subtle, suavely-couched way) inquiring about the equivalent of a “booty-call”.

It’s about how to steer a man away from that type of behavior, wherever you meet him and whatever you perceive his “type” to be. It’s not about a “type” of man.

Reply August 6, 2013, 10:52 am

joe ( girl )

my friend set me up with one of her guy friends and at first it was good. one mistake was we had sex the first night we met and have continued to since. but about 3 weeks after we started seeing each other he told me he just wanted to be friends. so i just stopped talking to him. but 3 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant and i had to call him and tell him. he was calm about it and has been texting me every morning and we have been going out on what seem like dates ( he pays for everything). we started having sex again. he said he stiLl wants to be just friends but yet he wants to see me more. it just confuses me and i dont know whats going on. he acts like we are dating and seems to care a lot about me, but is it just because im pregnant?

Reply December 21, 2011, 5:07 pm

To

Why are you agreeing to once per week only there are 7 days in a week? Are these visits only during the week? What about weekends? What about communication? How often? Just curious. If you saw him more that once per week would you still feel the same?

Reply October 27, 2011, 8:45 pm

Poppy

I’ve currently been in a 4 month relationship with my guy, we made the relationship sexual 3 months in…so we’ve had sex about 5 times tops since taking the next step with our relationship, mostly because we don’t live in the same city…he is about 3 hours away from me so we see other once a week…tops.

One of the biggest problems I have is he does not stay after we have sex and it emotionally gets to me sometimes because he’ll leave 15 minutes after we’re done (but sometimes I’m perfectly fine and I don’t feel bad or anything), a big reason he doesn’t stay is because of the distance I believe, and sometimes we do see each other during the week and he has to be back to work the next day and I work a regular 9-5 during the week so I have to be up and out of my house early during the week. Is there a way I can make myself feel any better about this situation, I broached the subject with him and I know it made him feel bad that I was feeling this way and he said that if it made me feel any better we just wouldn’t have sex when he couldn’t stay but I have a feeling if we have that rule sex will probably be far and few between b/c of the physical distance.

Of course I enjoy sex with him and I’m really in the dilemma of not wanting to give that up but at the same time I’m worried the next time he leaves it will trigger something in me that sees him leaving me right after as a bad thing. Is there any way I can make myself feel better about his leaving or anyway to ease my emotions.

Reply October 11, 2011, 11:37 am

Jerilyn

I just recently pulled myself out of a situation that sounds exactly the same as this but I was never committed to the person. I wanted something that he could not offer. I am just curious if you guys are still together?

Reply December 20, 2011, 5:20 pm

lishalish

Id say if he really likes you,the title will come in time but be patient.My BF and I dated for a good while for nearly a year before making it official and I had met his parents and a couple friends prior.Trust me if you both genuinely like eachother don’t rush for the title.Look at it this way,there are so many women out there just absolutely in love with the idea of marriage and they want it NOW,but take a look at divorce rates & such and how many men/women cheat on their spouse:a lot of it has to do with rushing into situations without really knowing the person,it takes time;anyways my point is that trying to push for a title may just do you more harm than good in the end.

Reply October 8, 2011, 6:56 am

Aurora

I have liked this guy for quite some time, I told him, we started hanging out. One night he made out with me, and then we went to bed. However I did not have sex with him, though I do believe he attempted for things to go that way. In the morning he got up and left me in his apartment alone with his roommate. He later texted me and apologized for that night? Then when I tried to talk to him about it he told me he wasn’t interested. And then later on proceeded to tell me he wanted to be my friend. Also he always wants to hang out at my place now, and he has started texting me almost every day. Based on his body language and actions I don’t believe he isn’t interested. Im getting really confused now though? Im thinking it’s either he got scared that I was moving too fast or the fact that I rejected him that night or he really just wants to be friends? But what boy ever really just wants to be friends? Also he is the only guy ever who has rejected me, which is likely why I can’t get over him. Help? Opinions?

Reply October 5, 2011, 5:13 am

Jane

Men are dogs and excuse me for saying that but he is the one feeling rejected. I would be very careful with this guy. As you guys didn’t have sex, now you’re a challenge and he will do anything to get you in the sack. He may be honest but I would watch out for a quick turnaround of things:)

Reply October 18, 2011, 12:50 am

bonnie

So there’s this guy that I met a while back and he kept asking for my number and I thought he was cute so finally I gave in to it then he would txt me here and there and would ask me to hang out but I was nervous so I would brush it off and say maybe another time but then a few months later I Hung out with his friend which is my friend and then we started txtn a lot ( me and the guy not the friend) so finally I gave in and Hung out at his house and he’s into music and does some recordings so we started to hangout almost everyday/ night like parties or going to his studio to record and I stayed with him one night and we kissed and what not he was really respectful and didn’t pressure me into anything but I gave him oral which I never do unless I really like. Guy and the next day we talked about it and I told him I’m jot the clingy type so he doesnt have to worry about anything so then a few days later I united him to stay the night and watch a movie with me we had some wine but I was still sober and so we were laying down and then we started kissing which led to sex now I regret it a little because he hasn’t txtd me first showing intrest and I really did start liking him but its been 2 days since he’s txtd me and he told me before he came over he really enjoyed my company and likes to hangout with me … Idk maybe I’m over reacting? Should I not txt him and wait for him to txt me first? HELPPP:(

Reply September 29, 2011, 3:25 am

jean

someone answer me..a guy greeted me this morning and wehad a short conversation. And then he siad he likes my appearence ,he said he wants to sleep with me and he will give me for that.I was so angry and it made me feel like “Who I am” what did i do to make him say like that? Well i amso sad?? help

Reply March 8, 2011, 4:30 am

Darinbw

I reconnected with a guy I went to school with about 2 months ago. We hadn’t seen each other for 30 years. I’m currently in the middle of separating from my husband, so when Dave (my friend from school) asked me out to dinner via Facebook, I felt it would be really nice to see him and we agreed on a place and time. We had a nice dinner, brought a change of casual clothes with us so we could continue the date a little longer and we went for a long walk. We ended up taking a midnight drive down to the ocean and parked at the beach to look at the night sky. In the end we ended up in the back of my SUV making out for almost 2 hours! He e-mailed me first thing the next day telling me that I was awesome and that he’d love to spend more time with me. He has sent me multiple e-mails everyday for the last two months, but I’m starting to wonder if the e-mails are just lip service in order to keep the sexual relationship in place. Another problem here is that we live about 100 kms from each other and can only see each other 2 -3 times a week. Have have 2 teenagers still living at home, so it’s not really a good idea to meet here yet as my husband only moved out about 3 weeks ago. So I find that I’m the one asking for dates and I really hate it. My friends are telling me that it has to be that way for now because he doesn’t have baggage and I go to him when it’s convenient for me. The break-up with my husband has left me feeling insecure and I’m wanting to ask this guy if he really likes me or is it just the sex. I find I’ve been over analyzing his body language and frankly I think that I’m tormenting myself. But I do want to know if he actually likes me and where he thinks the relationship will go. What’s the best way to do this??? Or should I just leave it be for awhile?

Reply November 27, 2010, 8:21 am

mikel

call me 07035726488 if u nid 2 know me looovvvesss sex fucking is ma obby

Reply November 3, 2010, 7:48 pm

Libra

Well, on the other hand, I have a guy who is very eager to commit to me. After date number 2, he asked me to be exclusive and for some unforeseen reason, he had to go out of town, poof, did not see or hear from him for weeks. Came back a few weeks later, wanting to pick up where we left off and been consistent in calling, making plans. We went out for a couple of dates, discussed being exclusive again, been intimate. Just so coincidentally, his start up is keeping him very busy and I barely hear from him once a week. I’d like to hear what others have to say. I don’t mind following his lead and I have no question that he is busy. with all the respect and understanding, i knew he is busy with work but I am a girl afterall, I wish he had called to say hi and I did miss him. Perhaps our age difference plays a big part in our priorities. He is 21 years senior and I am in my early 30s. Thoughts?

Reply April 28, 2010, 11:50 am

Alyssa

Eric- Thank you so much for your response. Too many websites with posters suffering this same dilemma (“Why aren’t we gf/bf?”) say to just talk about it. I appreciate the fact that you address the person with the problem, instead of “fixing” the person who seems to be happy without a title. I am in the exact same situation as the OP, and reading your response helped me to realize that there’s nothing wrong with the way things are going with my guy, and that there’s a fine line between finding a problem, and creating one. Well done.
-Alyssa

Reply February 15, 2010, 6:15 am

michelle

Charlotte
I’m also seeing a guy at the moment he also justs texts I bin seeing him for 9 months now he never says what he wants just comes to see me when am not at work can’t work him out either he doesn’t even take me out he never says no he just does too mutch talking and not enough doing.

Reply January 26, 2010, 1:54 pm

Charlotte

Hey, I have a question but I don’t know where to subscribe to be able to ask a question…. I live in the UK and am/was seeing an american guy. Very strange altogether. I’ve never used these relationship advice things and would like to get a perspective from american people cause I don’t know any in the UK and have no american friends. I guess you could say I like this guy enough to do something I normally wouldn’t do, especially if I was with an English bloke. So anyway, I met this guy, Ethan being his name, about three months ago.

Ethan had been sitting at a table having coffee on his own and kept glancing over at my table at a cafe on a Sunday afternoon . I had headphones in and looking out the window but could tell from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me. After 10-5mins, he came over to me and struck up conversation (there were other free tables in the cafe mind you). I smiled and we were talking for about two-three hours. I thought it was so cute that he came over to talk to me in the middle of the afternoon cause this is very rare (at least for me and my friends) in the UK. He asked for my number and texted me when he left saying, “enjoy your break in paris” … I was heading off to Paris to visit a friend. I texted back saying thanks. He never texted while I was away and I texted him when I got back saying hello. He texted back and we were just talking, general chit chat. Then he just disappeared for a week and rang me a week later saying hello. We met up for dinner, great fun, he held my hand, hugged me bla bla bla right. But he didn’t text after the date to say “good to see you again”, instead I texted saying that and no reply. Two days later I get a text saying do you wanna go out for dinner again … I was like sure. We met up, had another great night, he never texted after that date either. He rarely texts, maybe every two to four days so I ended up saying I couldn’t deal with it and so we stopped seeing each other but I had borrowed a book from him so I asked would he meet me for coffee as friends and I explained that I never meant any harm by ending the dates, I’m not used to random texting and he said that’s fine and was really glad we’re still friends. Unfortunately I still liked him so when we met up, we ended up kissing and spending the night together btu nothings more than kissing happened.

Days went by, didn’t see him (but was texting him albeit rarely) for weeks and I ended up asking him what it is he wants cause his texts are rather confusing. He didn’t say what he wants, he just said he wasn’t seeing anyone else or having random hanky-panky with anyone. He then said he wanted to talk about this when he got back from a work trip away. I didn’t reply. He texted when he got back saying hello .. didn’t ask me to meet him to talk or anything. So now, I text him back every second day after he texts. It’s really weird. If I didn’t like him, I’d end it. Do you think that’s the best thing to do? I really don’t want to end it cause I like him but maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I like him… I also find it difficult understanding is texting style. Is it an american thing to rarely text?? Or is it just that “he’s not that into me” and so doesn’t feel the need to text? I’ll be gutted to say goodbye but hey, there’s more fish in the sea :). Oh and random goodnight texts without previous conversation, what’s that about? Is that also an american thing or what’s up?? Help!!

Charlotte

Reply December 13, 2009, 8:02 am

Kaytina

I’ll tell you this, and no i am not a guy. I’ve been talking to the same guy for about 5 months now, he acts like my boyfriend and I did not take sex away from him. He calls me and tells me what he is doing, asks me to come over, sees me almost every other day, the title is just not there. The only thing that bothers females is the title to claim he is yours. Well, in my opinion, i can not claim him but we get along sooooo good. I kind of like the fact we aren’t titled. i did however, warn him and say if he does do something or anythign with someone, and if i find out i am leaving and not going to be around anymore, which of course would be his loss to lose such a cool girl and i believe he understands my point. in the end, i get the satisfaction and so does he. so he knows my standards and i play his game just as well.

Reply December 8, 2009, 4:48 pm

Anna B

Hi Eric Charles,

This was a well written one. But I have a slightly different dilemma:

What if he WAS your boyfriend for a long time (2 years) and then decided that he didn’t want to call you that any more, but still be together in all other ways (especially sexually)?

Would you give the same advice?

I would never pressure a guy to be my boyfriend who hadnt called me that in the first place, but don’t you agree it is a little wrong to just ease out of the label?

If he didn’t want me, then he could just leave me. But he says he does. ???

Reply December 2, 2009, 3:15 pm

Jane

He is just having sex with you until the next better thing comes around. Break up with him ASAP and as much as you want to call him don’t give in. Call your girlfriends and tell them you want to hang out. Spend as much as time you have without him. He is using you for sex.

Reply October 18, 2011, 12:53 am

kristal

if you have sex with a guy and he does not call you anymore does that mean he just used u for sex?

Reply November 24, 2009, 8:23 pm

Jane

Yep. He got what he wanted now goodbye. Sorry :(

Reply October 18, 2011, 12:51 am

elsa. love

i read your why he doesnt call me his girlfriend article, but what if my best friend says he told her something. should i believe her?
because he acts totally different when hes with me.
i think hes an undercover romantic.

Reply October 28, 2009, 6:34 pm

elsa. love

ok so i read your why he doesnt call you his girl friend, but what if your best friend tells you stuff that she heard from his mouth?
shoould i believe her?
because he acts totally different when hes with me.
im thinking hes an undercover ssweet heart. and i dont want to believe her

Reply October 28, 2009, 6:32 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome. :)

Glad you liked the post.

Reply September 29, 2009, 12:46 am

wendy

thank you eric charles. everything just instantly clicked after reading.

Reply September 29, 2009, 12:04 am

Eric Charles

@Jack Roman,

100% agreed. Well said.

Reply June 19, 2009, 11:46 am

Jack Roman

You have such a level headed response.

As a guy currently in a similar situation and who has dated a lot, here is the bottom line. Sex is a lot of things to a lot of people. For the most part is a GOOD thing.

HOWEVER, in a ONGOING RELATIONSHIP sex is not a weapon or tool to be wielded in order to get your way. That act, just one time, turns sex into a BAD thing and no one wants BAD sex. Everytime that has happened to me that relationship crashed, FAST.

Reply June 19, 2009, 10:34 am

Eric Charles

Haha – my mistake! OK, now it makes sense, cause I was like – wait a minute, it seems like we agree on this…

No need to apologize – I’m the dope on this one. :)

Reply June 19, 2009, 10:25 am

Cal

Sorry Eric, the initial portion of my post was in response to Chris, not yourself.

Reply June 19, 2009, 8:58 am

Eric Charles

Edit: I wrote this response because I thought Cal’s response was towards my comments, but it was not. My bad. :-P
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“I could not disagree more. You don’t put the person through a series of situations to see if they are real. Your relationship progresses and as they progress things happen.”
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Cal, you’re saying that you “could not disagree more” and yet there is nothing in explanation that disagrees with what I’ve said and in fact agrees with everything I’m talking about. I do not understand what you’re reacting to here, other than maybe you don’t like the use of the word “testing”. “Thoughtfully observing” could be used just as effectively to describe what I’m talking about, but I am using the term “testing” because it’s been used in other woman-facing publications that talk about this sort of thing so I figured I would use a term that’s already being used.
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With that said, I don’t disagree with what you’re saying. I should point out though that there are reasons that I answer the questions that come in the way that I do.
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The truth of the matter is that with every question that comes in, a person could write a book to respond to it. Just depends on the depth to which they want to answer it from.
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When I write up an answer, I get a feeling for where the person is at in that moment and how to pop them out of whatever limiting thought pattern they’re caught up in, then give them a more empowering perspective to come from. And once in that place of empowerment, I do my best to give them a seed for insight.
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Do I believe in open communication in a relationship? Sure. But that assumes rationality on part of both parties to discuss a topic that is extremely emotionally-loaded for at least one of them. So assuming that having that discussion is going to go smoothly is unlikely until the person that is emotionally wound-up calms down and then infuses how they’re looking at the situation with insight.
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Otherwise, a discussion can happen where assumptions get made, egos get engaged and both parties dig their feet into the sand. Instead of achieving resolution, the couple creates a sore spot and separation.
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Typical relationship advice columns push towards advising the person to take some kind of action with the other person. It is my opinion that the majority of the time, the real issue has to do with how the person is looking at the situation. Thinking is the root to the actions and behaviors… so addressing the thinking is what I aim to do in most cases.
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Once that’s happened, then they’ll know the right thing to do. If it needs to be talked about, then it will happen, but it will happen from a place of clarity and the discussion will have a much better chance to go in a positive direction.
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So that is specifically why I did not say, “Just talk about it with him.” It’s not pussy-footing, it’s not anti-”open communication”. It’s advocating prudence, personal insight and personal growth, instead of encouraging a situation where her emotional discomfort would compel her to pressure the guy to give her the clarity and resolution (and ultimately inner peace) that introspection would give her.
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This is all my opinion – I’m not saying it’s the only way or that it’s the “right” way, but I think I make a good case for my perspective. Go for personal insight first, then get the other person’s perspective once they’ve calmed down – like you said, different people have different definitions of what that would means to them.
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In the end, people are going to do what they’re going to do and the only person that can stop them from doing that is themselves. So, generally speaking, I do not take the position of advising people of what they “should” do, but rather how they can get perspective on the situation (so that they come to a good conclusion themselves and pursue their course of action with confidence.)

Reply June 18, 2009, 3:49 pm

rayray

I have been talking seeing this guy for a while now and i feel as though youre speaking his mind.
He has often used the phrase oh, i was just testing you. Or does something looking for a reaction. In arguments, i choose words to fix things and he always says words will only make it worse if either one of us is emotional.

This response just brings it altogether.

Reply November 5, 2013, 10:42 pm

Cal

I could not disagree more. You don’t put the person through a series of situations to see if they are real. Your relationship progresses and as they progress things happen. Meeting the family has always been the big one for me, in my case it seems to be different than others.

I don’t bring my girlfriend to see if she’ll fit. For me, I am showing my girl off because I am happy and proud and feel great to have her in my life and I want my family to see how good my life is with her. Hell, most people are on their best behavior when meeting the other persons family and friends so it’s really a poor way of trying to determine if they fit.

Going further, no one will know your girlfriend/boyfriend better than your own self because you are the one spending all the time with them. Too often we make excuses for the qualities we do not like in our partner and as a result never address them. Sometimes these little problems are in fact only little problems but they all add up when more problems start popping up.

Back to the topic of the “Girlfriend tag”, Dansully’s post here shows just how silly it is to put too much stock in a simple word. Girlfriend to him is the highest measure of a relationship and he won’t use it lightly. For myself, it’s the moment I’ve decided I’m only interested in dating the girl I am seeing, to me it is a mark that simply says I am willing to see if we have a future. I’ve know guys who use the word right out of the box.

Yes Eric, I did get the idea of testing you are putting across, the point I am trying to make is that the girl who posted this question is a bit confused. She is equating ‘dating’ with the word ‘girlfriend’. Clearly they are dating, they have met family, they are having sex, they spend a lot of time together. This is dating! Her problem stems from the desire to be called his girlfriend (which by the way, you clearly are as well in most peoples eyes) and she now thinks that in order to get the tag, maybe withholding sex would be a good idea.

When you come out with the word testing after this question then some might get the idea that to purposely test a person in this manner is acceptable behavior. I am glad you emphatically squashed that thought!

Ideally we all should have “insights and investigation” into our relationships. That is to say, we should not discard items we don’t like in a relationship as being nothing. Don’t test or examine, deal with it either with the person or without them.

In this case, ask yourself how important being called girlfriend is to you when everything already suggests that you are his girlfriend (dealing with it by yourself). Is that word important? If so, have a discussion with the guy (dealing with it with him). And I mean discussion, don’t make a demand (as Eric put so well regarding engaging egos), have a frank talk with him and ask him why he does not introduce you as his girlfriend. Then make a decision on your future based on whether you can live with that answer.

Look, if you are having this issue so early in a relationship but like the relationship, I highly encourage having the talk. Opening communication early in relationships can lay a fantastic foundation. To hell with the pussy footing I say!

Reply June 18, 2009, 12:42 pm

chris (a gal, not a dude)

From what I understand about “testing” – you put the person through a series of situations to see if they are the real thing. One test is to see what happens when they meet your family or best friend, another might be taking them to do an activity that is your favorite thing to do, or meeting your dog, etc. It is not a “trick”, it is just to see if they fit.

I can see where the question asker wondered about witholding sex because she may be feeling “that’s what girlfriends/boyfriends and married couples do, not casual friends.” Well, you have already crossed that bridge, so you can’t take it back. Taking it back because of “the word” will mess things up. I will tell you I am with a wonderful man, we click on so many levels, and we both are on the same page on everything, but he introduces me as my name rather than “my girlfriend.” I am just glad he introduces me period :)

I do admit, I was in a relationship before where I was hung up on the title and I was all messed up about it.

Reply June 17, 2009, 10:21 pm

Dansully

Girlfriend is a title earned not given.

You want to be a girlfriend after only two months, that rings of desperation to me. I’m with Eric that no one is in it JUST for the sex, but GIRLFRIEND is only one step away from FIANCE if you are traveling that archaic path, and the term shouldn’t be used so loosely. I don’t believe in marriage so Girlfriend is the pinnacle of relationship status as far as I’m concerned, basically if you are still using rubbers, you aren’t into each other enough to be exclusive. BUT WHAT ABOUT STDs, if you aren’t mature enough to ask someone you are sleeping with to go get tested with you, you aren’t mature enough for sex or relationships, go back to middle school.

Reply June 17, 2009, 8:23 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Cal,

Thanks for the response.

I do not advocate games or manipulation. But I do encourage insights and investigation. That is to say, if I’m doing something anyway (e.g. I am not labeling the relationship as a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship), then I am going to note the woman’s response.

Games and manipulation are the opposite of a relationship. Even if you are successful in getting whatever you’re setting out to get, you’ll always wonder if the person really wanted to do what you wanted them to, or if it was just your manipulation that produced it.

But yes, if it’s not abundantly clear, I definitely do not advocate games or manipulations.

Let me expand on what I mean and what I do not mean when I say “testing”. When I say testing, I am talking about a perspective. A trap that a lot of people get into is they blindly move through the beginning of the relationship without looking at anything critically or sizing up what’s happening. They just believe that love will work itself out and that any personality differences will dissolve in the face of love.

I don’t want to sound cynical (and I’m not by nature – I’m a die-hard optimist), but it’s important that we step back from time to time and look at things objectively, especially at the beginning of the relationship. That’s what I mean by testing as a perspective.

What I do not mean is to willfully manipulate, lie or intentionally miscommunicate something to see how the other person reacts and then judge them for it. That would be messed-up on many different levels. But it’s a fact of life that sooner or later something will come up that the guy or girl doesn’t like or doesn’t agree with and that’s a moment that we should take note of and not bury our heads in the sand.

To answer concisely: Do what you’re doing, be real, but be aware of what’s going on. Use insight, not manipulation.

Make sense?

Reply June 17, 2009, 4:35 pm

Cal

I guess the real question (to me) is why do you want to withhold sex now? Is it to get the “Girlfriend” tag or are you really just uncomfortable with having sex with a guy who has not wanted to show that level of commitment? A relationship is no place for games. Have you tried asking him why he does not call you his girlfriend? If you like the answer, keep the relationship, if you don’t move on.

Eric, are you honestly suggesting that it’s a good idea to test people to reduce the risk of heartbreak? It’s just my opinion but if you feel the need to test a persons reaction (games, games, games) early in a relationship then you should probably step back and start asking if you are ready for a relationship. Part of entering a relationship is being ready to take the chance that you are going to be hurt.

Agreed however on “focus on sizing up the relationship”. All too often we make excuses for parts of a relationship that we are not happy with. Ask yourself how important it is to you. Your answer will tell you what to do.

Reply June 17, 2009, 12:11 pm

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