Ask a Guy: Do Guys Really Love the Chase? post image

Ask a Guy: Do Guys Really Love the Chase?


You guys talk a lot about being the prize and while I agree with the idea, I find it really difficult when it comes to guys I really like. I’m not much into rules and seriously hate any type of action that is not authentically me. But exactly HOW do you remain the prize when the fear takes hold?

And to be the prize, does he have to feel like he’s in competition with other men? Everyone says men love the chase, is this true? If so, how can I get him to chase me without being obvious?



Being the prize isn’t something you’re “doing” like walking a tightrope in a trapeze act. It isn’t about stringing along a guy and making him feel like he doesn’t quite have you or that you need to constantly dangle a carrot.

It is him knowing that you have options and if he stopped showing up in the relationship, you wouldn’t whine and beg… you’d find another option (which would be readily available) and move on to greener pastures.

You have value, he sees that and he knows that if he wants to keep you around, he needs to show up in the relationship and keep you happy.

It comes from a realization: relationships are not tangible, concrete “things” like a purse or car or stone.  Relationships involve emotional and psychological movement, flowing forward at every moment.

People treat relationships like they’re something that you can lose or break.  They’ve been convinced somehow that relationships are things… and they believe that the possession of that thing will give them happiness and status… and the losing of that thing will lead to a loss of happiness and status.

MORE: 11 Ways to Find True Happiness

It’s all an illusion.  It’s all BS.

The fear that you’re talking about is fear of loss… but you can’t lose something that isn’t a possession in the first place.  People who understand that relationships aren’t things to be lost and acquired don’t have this fear of loss (mind you, this illusory fear of loss) because they realize that relationships are what they are at face value…

I’m trying to untangle your mind from the psychological spaghetti this culture has convinced you is real. The culture we live in has you convinced that if you just do certain tricks or mind games then you get a relationship… as if the relationship was a possession to be acquired.

This is a ridiculous concept  to even consider because there’s no relationship to be gotten.  The relationship is your moment-to-moment interaction with that person in those moments… there is no destination, no thing to get.

This is why, when a guy says, “It is what it is” in regards to a relationship he’s actually making a profoundly accurate statement.

So regardless of whether or not you really like a guy or not, your “relationship” with him is what it is. There’s nowhere to get to and nothing to get.  You already have it in that moment… there’s no fantasy to bring to reality, no wishes and wants to come to fruition… it already is as it is.

With all that said, what’s ultimately messing you up is that you’re conjuring images and fantasies in your mind of “what could be” with this guy that you really like instead of taking it at face value.  Those fantasies create performance anxiety because now you feel you could win or lose something when in fact… that’s a total illusion.

It’s not about being the prize when you’re feeling afraid.  It’s realizing that the source of your fear is total BS… and that the fear is generated from you at your most inauthentic (what could be more inauthentic than manufacturing a fantasy in your mind, then obsessively trying to push reality into becoming that fantasy instead of just being present in the moment as it is??)

Now about the guy needing to feel like he’s in a “competition”…

Let me illustrate with an analogy. You happen to get a great job. You know it’s great – it pays well, you enjoy the work, you enjoy the people you work with. Yeah, it’s a job so you do have to work, but you love it.

At the same time… you know that if you stopped showing up or stopped doing work, you would be fired. However, your boss doesn’t have to threaten you with that, ever. Your boss doesn’t have to remind you how great your job is, or how they could hire other people but they’re choosing you for now…

Moreover, you know you have something that other people wish they had (rare and valuable), you genuinely enjoy it on many levels (it fulfills you in many ways) and you’ve invested in it (you feel that you have it and if you walked away, it would be a loss…)

If you’re happy at your job, you’re not going anywhere and you’ll be a great worker. At the same time, you know that you have to show up and pull your weight.

Contrast that with a company that hires some guy who doesn’t take his job seriously… he shows up when he feels like it, doesn’t work very hard, and really just doesn’t care much. But instead of firing the guy, the company covers for his weaknesses, ignores or forgives his absences, and tries to “make it work” with him.

Maybe, for some reason, the company thinks they couldn’t hire someone else to do the job. Maybe, the company feels it’s on them to turn a loser into a winner. Maybe going through the process of interviewing new candidates and training someone new seems too daunting.

Whatever it is… you recognize your job is a prize while … (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: Do Guys Really Love the Chase?)

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Sameeta

Thank you Eric
Worthy Article
Pls keep inspiring
Chasing word I really don’t like
When there is love , there is a respect
We are humans feelings are natural
I had recently gone through a break up experience with a guy
I want to ask him a reason for break up ,he blocked my number
I tried to contact him through various network but he is mute kind
Now I have only option to forgive and forget
Still somewhere the craze appears to ask him holding his collar ,why?….
Please help me out with this situation as it’s sometimes creats anxiety
Which is not good for me
Coming too closer and then suddenly vanish !!! It hurts!!

Reply November 2, 2016, 9:48 am

Jen

Hi Eric, I used to get emails from you. Wish to continue getting emails from you about relationship, etc. I left my email address above.

Reply September 10, 2016, 3:52 am

Veronica

This is total BS. I recently let down my play-hard-to-get-guard and stopped a guy from chasing me by asking him out and texting him when I felt like it. (Not often, two times a week). He always responds immediately, but never initiates a text anymore. I’m back to playing the game of letting the next guy chase me again and being unavailable. Say what you want, but men absolutely love a bitch! It’s always worked!

Reply August 26, 2016, 9:10 pm

Eric Charles

You’re not responding to points or reasoning in the article. Your assertions aren’t reason-based, you’re just saying empty words and buzz phrases without explaining what that mean’s and looks like.

“Men absolutely love a bitch” is a slogan, not an argument.

Read the article and make some points with reasoning, then we’ll talk.

Reply August 27, 2016, 4:06 pm

Agame

Thanks Eric for this article. I feel very betrayed by some of the other relationship so called “guru”. I totally agree with you, that at the beginning, men might be eager to chase women for the prize of being with them whether or not for just hooking up or potentially for a relationship. I think that women are misled to think that they need to act a certain way or change ourselves to get a guy, when in fact loving oneself, being positive and knowing what your worth and deserve in life is the most important part of being able to attract the “right guy”. And once you have the guy, the game of playing cat and mouse should be irrelevant. Especially, if the guy really likes you and you like the guy. Being your authentic self is not about playing games and being “feminine”. A partnership is being with someone on the same page and allowing yourself to be who you truly are with that person. I read your first book about how men are not that complicated. I have tested your theories many times and they proved to be right. Men are pretty simple in their way of looking at the world and relationships, and somehow “we” women tend to complicate it by overthinking our relationships and making ourselves crazy. It is what is. It is up to us women to select the right one and give the “right one” our authentic self on a moment to moment basis with the expectation that we will not allow for bad behaviors because we deserve better.

Reply August 23, 2016, 5:12 pm

Charles

What a great article. There are quite a few women who understand the value of not trying to get a guy to chase. Unfortunately there are many who still don’t understand that good guys (ones that are stable and confident; not desperate) are not going to chase you because they are content with their life and are willing to wait for someone who will enhance what they already have in terms of quality. When a woman makes a man chase her (or when a man makes a woman chase him) it literally says to the other person, I don’t have the self esteem to value what I can offer to someone else unless that person constantly validates my worth by chasing me.

Reply August 16, 2016, 11:06 pm

Vicki

Eric Thank you so much for this article. It’s such a blessing to me how you give us truth and explain your advice. I respect your teachings and value.
Hope you have a blessed day.

Reply July 4, 2016, 8:00 am

Emma Louise

This is Awesome.

Reply April 17, 2016, 6:30 pm

Faye

‘This idea of “men love the chase” needs to die…’

Even the guys I know have bought into this crap. Men need to hear this too!

Thank you for this article. You definitely made me feel I made the right decision ending my previous relationship after 2 years of getting scraps of his attention and affection. I needed to learn to love myself and be my own best person, and not “wait on him all the time.” Goddesses don’t wait.

Reply March 14, 2016, 7:30 pm

Eric Charles

Yeah exactly — don’t say “yes” to something that isn’t what you want. Say “no” to what you don’t want… so that there’s space for what you do want to come into your life.

Reply March 14, 2016, 8:17 pm

Leeann

I’ve been dating this guy for almost 4 months and he told me at the beginning he isn’t ready for a relationship. However we have amazing chemistry and enjoy each others company. Every time I get emotional about wanting more, he comes back around. Now he has said we are exclusive and he’s not interested in dating anyone else, but that is all he can commit to right now. He was with someone ten years who left him suddenly (about 2 mo’s before we met) and he isn’t over her. Should I run or be okay with where we are? He is an introvert and doesn’t give out compliments, but we talk or text every few days or so and see each other at least once a week. We work opposite shifts and I have kids and he doesn’t. I’m a girl so of course I want more (him to tell people about me, introduce me to his friends), but should I expect more? I can’t find anything that says I should leave, but some friends say why should I be second best. Am I being used?

Reply February 18, 2016, 3:50 pm

Janine

Couple of things. I think I generally know why women want to know what the future holds in a relationship. It is a sad truth but it is a truth and that is that a women’s marketability gets less as she gets older. So, why waste you best years with someone who isn’t there for the future. So lets take the work analogy, if you have a great job but you find out the company is moving to another country or downsizing and your future with them is compromised, and not from your doing, I would think you would look for another job even though at the moment everything is great. Generally speaking I think women do that. To some extent it is ok but as Eric has stated if done to the extreme you will never be happy.

Reply February 17, 2016, 8:33 am

Maggie Janey

Eric, This is spot on and exactly what I needed to read. I have been dealing with a very unmotivated “employee” for some time now, and have set them to greener pastures.. maybe they can collect unemployment for a while 🙂 The truth is, I was thinking more about how I can change so they want me instead of what I wanted and how they didn’t fit my ” position description” Chapter closed for me, but what an AWESOME analogy. Being an HR Manager by trade, this really resonated with me Thanks!

Reply January 1, 2016, 3:23 pm

Michelle

I love reading your articles. They are insightful and re-inforce what I already sometimes know – like a penny dropping.

Reply November 27, 2015, 11:34 pm

Priyanka

I guess he easily forgot me I mean he don’t care any more he is happy with his friends. I don’t know it was so much in our relationship to remember but nothing affected him and I badly need him back in my life I really loved him . I dont know what will I do Eric just give me some thing to get him back but I must tell you we are not in contact any more

Reply November 5, 2015, 12:33 am

Tee tee

I have never commented on here, but your comment made me compelled to. This came to mind;
“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?” ― Warsan Shire
Basically, when in doubt, choose self. Sending cyber hugs, i hope you find healing.

Reply June 23, 2016, 6:55 pm

thabo

Thanx a lot you guys really opened Mi eyes nd i decided to refresh nd now i seen things i was ingnorant to when in a relationship.thank u soo much

Reply October 20, 2015, 10:06 am

Elizabeth

ok its weird cuse my crush asked me to chase him at recess and i dont know if he likes me or not (and Wow hes fast) I really wanna know if he likes me or not

Reply October 3, 2015, 5:04 pm

Amy

Eric, this makes tons of sense, it really does. I need to find out how to reprogram my mind though and that’s the hard part! Yes, it’s correct that the relationship is what it is in that moment and not what you are projecting on to it. But how to change the damaging mindset of a woman who has been projecting in this way since she was a teenager? That’s 30 years of self defeating thinking! I know your right, I just need to figure out how to really absorb it and make it my instinct rather than something I wish I could do. Any advice?

Reply September 27, 2015, 7:40 am

Eric Charles

Changing the way you do things is very, very easy once you see a better, more effective way to do things.

That’s what this site is for — I’ve written hundreds of articles and newsletter emails, which are all free and available to you right now.

If you have the money, I can tell you that my Love Formula program is the very best information out there at getting you the love life you really want (even in the toughest situations, even after years of doing things other ways that haven’t worked, etc.) That is a premium program available to people who have already bought He’s Not That Complicated (our book)… but again, if you have the money then I will tell you with 100% confidence that it’s the very best material I’ve ever produced.

Still, one thing I pride myself on is how much I give away freely to help people… so if you can’t get the paid courses right now, I will tell you that you can get a ton of mileage from the articles and newsletter emails.

Glad you found the site and happy to hear you liked the article.

Reply September 27, 2015, 1:33 pm

Tata

Nice article. Though I think the problem the company could have with an employee is when he does not perform all his tasks well, like comes late, not too friendly with the colleagues, etc but is excelent at some particularly important task (very good at sales, uniq business ideas, fast porgrammer, etc). So in relationship that could be a fantastic sex but treating is so-so. That is when company wants to keep an employee cause it obviously benefits from his strong abilities but fails to make him perform in other areas.

Reply September 26, 2015, 1:36 pm

Eric Charles

Great comment – thank you for that.

I have an answer for you… and as someone who runs two successful companies (and had to learn the hard way on how to choose, hire and manage employees), I can give you an analogy that holds true for both relationships and business:

In the event you have an overall toxic worker with a great skill, the first thing to recognize is the position you’re in…

You’re getting some benefit (for relationship, let’s say great sex… for a company, let’s say great programmer)…

And at the same time, you’re paying a high price for it (for relationship, let’s say the sex is great but overall the relationship is toxic… and for a company let’s say that this skilled worker is a great programmer, but toxic to the work environment and not dependable)…

It becomes a cost to benefits analysis — yeah, you’re getting something, but you’re paying a lot for it too…

So one thing that people have a lot of trouble answering is, “Is it more trouble than it’s worth?”

If it’s worth it… then you mitigate the damages. For the business analogy: You figure out how to put boundaries on what you’ll allow the worker, penalties and a way to limit or eliminate his toxicity… So maybe you’d dock his pay if he misses a deadline, you separate him from all other workers, you impose tight monitor on his work, etc.

In a relationship analogy, you simply recognize what you’re getting and expect nothing else from him. Expectations are required for disappointment to be possible. Drop the expectations and you immediately eliminate the possibility of disappointment. You limit the areas that you even recognize him of being capable of fulfilling and look elsewhere to fulfill them.

Again, this is IF he’s worth your while.

If he’s not, you find a replacement… you can keep them hired on while you go looking for that replacement, but once you’ve found the replacement… you fire this “employee” and you never look back.

I can tell you that a bad employee doesn’t just cost you more in terms of bad performance… they poison everything they touch… and if you’re not careful, they poison your mood too.

I’d encourage you to look up my article on Toxic Relationships (Ask a Guy: Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship) and read specifically about the “emotional roller coaster” effect. That will really speak to what you’re asking here beyond what I just described.

Hope it helps.

Reply September 27, 2015, 2:06 pm

Ange

Hi Eric
Thanks for this interesting article. I’ve read many of your articles and they have all been educational. One question I had though after reading this is an experience I’m having now. A man at work and I (yes I know the risks there) and I have had a mutual crush (I’m just really seeing how mutual it is) for a few years now. We’re both confident people but shy with each other and our approach. He has a lot of women interested in him so why does he still have an interest in me after all this time when he’s had to do most of the work and I’ve been so bloody hopeless showing my interest? If he doesn’t enjoy the challenge then is it because he sees me as high value (I guess I’m pretty attractive and receive a lot of male attention but am friendly rather than flirty)? I guess it doesn’t matter and I’m over-thinking it all but I was curious as this chase attitude is something that was ingrained and has always worked quite well for me.
Thanks Eric
Ange

Reply August 22, 2015, 10:28 pm

Melissa

Awesome article. You went above and beyond. Thank you so much!

Reply August 19, 2015, 12:44 pm

Steph

Most of what you say is eerily accurate. I’m a social worker. I always tell everyone (docs, patients, nurses, etc.), you have to start where someone is at in that the moment. You can’t motivate change by your own personal goals for them. Start where they are. It works. The most “noncompliant” patients have been the ones with the best results. Because I didn’t impose my goals on them or plan their future. I listened. It’s amazing how tough it is to do the same thing in personal relationships. Lol. I have a very abusive ex husband. Most of the time I can disregard his comments, but 10 texts later with d o me pretty emotionally abusive texts, I get a little discouraged. Plus it’s hard for guys I’m dating. My ex will put them down to the kids until they are pretty negative. I’ve lost weight and for the first time in years feel pretty confident about my appearance and myself. Most of the time I’m very happy with my here and now. I like me. Counseling helps. ???? Sorry I ft a little off topic! My biggest challenge is not to let all the negative things my ex says about me (fat, inadequate, ugly, etc.) impact my relationships. I get a fight or flight response going. Usually flight. Your articles have helped a lot. Reminded me to chill and take a deep breath. Just a date after all… thanks!

Reply July 27, 2015, 7:27 am

Lisa

Finally. It was explained so I can get it. Thank you. Seriously.

Reply July 14, 2015, 12:10 am

Katie

That’s an interesting yet profound point. Thanks Eric!
The difference between the workplace and a relationship is that we have a set of rules to measure whether is worker is qualified and has been doing his job well.
In a relationship, the boundaries seem to be vague. Yes we do have our own expectations and limits. How about one partner is very sensitive, as if the company picks on little things or the administration isn’t so great? At the same time, the sensitive person doesn’t realize he/she is making everything too big a deal or the company hasn’t realized there’e much improvement could be made for the administration part.
So as the worker who loves the job itself. Should he walk away? And how could a person realize himself is being difficult?

Reply July 10, 2015, 11:18 am

Eric Charles

I’m running out the door, but I’ll leave you with a thought (which I believe will lead you to the answer)…

Why is it that it’s very easy to identify a bad friend (that you would do well to cut out of your life immediately)? There’s no clearly defined rules there… as a child, you didn’t sit down with a graph and spreadsheets to determine who you wanted as a friend…

It’s no different with a love relationship as far as identifying “good” from “bad”… the question is, are you good at addressing it? Are you honest with yourself and the situation? Are you good at breaking things off when it’s not going to be the relationship you want? Are you good at working through issues with your partner in a constructive way?

Identifying a good relationship from a bad one isn’t hard. Being able to see when you’re part of the problem can sometimes be hard for some people. Being able to face an ugly truth can be hard for some people.

Anyway, this was just a quick note before I run out the door… hope it was helpful.

Reply July 11, 2015, 3:57 pm

Katie

Wow Eric, you really do a good job at explaining.
This just reminds me of a friend who complains all the time. Whenever I spend time with him, I feel my positive energy being sucked up by him and myself dragged to this negative world. He is the person who can make me from on top of my world to having a good day. I used to tell myself he’s just having a tough day. But tough days seem to be his constant mode. And I start to avoid spending time with him, even though he’s dedicated, respectful, knowledgable and has lots of qualities I admire. He’s a good person but I’d like to avoid him.
If only we could identify good and bad in a relationship instead of finding excuses. Should a healthy romantic relationship work like a good friendship? No specific work required and two people just enjoy each other’s company?

Reply July 12, 2015, 12:00 am

Elaine

I like the job analogy. When my guy asked me out for the first time, he actually said he wanted to “put in his resume” with me before someone else beat him to it! I was impressed, and I still am!

Reply July 6, 2015, 9:48 pm

Nusrat

Thanks Eric,it helps me lot

Reply June 27, 2015, 12:28 pm

Blue

Love these articles! Makes so much sense!! Where have you and sabrina been my whole life!!
Thank You!!!

Reply June 16, 2015, 8:12 pm

kris

I’m sorry but I disagree with much of this. I believe LOTS of guys are fueled by “the chase” or the challenge of a woman who’s hard to get. I have had it done to me plenty of times and in most of those cases, when I reciprocate the attention, the guy starts cooling off. If I ignore him, the chase is back on. I’m seeing a perfect example of this very thing right now in my workplace. There is a beautiful young blonde girl, she’s really nice I like her so this is not a catty statement at all. But there are two guys (who happen to be good friends) who have been hanging on this girl (chasing after her) for MONTHS. One of them keeps buying her chocolate which she just gives away to her coworkers because she doesn’t want it. She is cordial and friendly with both of them but she is only being polite. If she was interested in either of these guys she’d be dating one of them by now, it would not take months for her to figure out who she likes. But neither of these guys have had any success, in fact its kind of the joke around the office about the competition between “alpha 1” and “alpha 2”. I am positive what makes theses guys refuse to give up is her aloofness to their efforts. It has become a full blown challenge for both of them and if they thought it was a huge daunting waste of their time, they would have thrown in the towel after a couple weeks not keep trying for several months. Yes, lots of guys love the chase.

Reply June 5, 2015, 2:23 pm

Eric Charles

Getting a guy to chase you does not equal a guy being interested in you… it is more similar to a person wanting to win an argument than it is representative of anything remotely resembling interest in you (or a relationship with you)…

You’re asserting that her aloofness is getting her the guy? It’s not — she’s not choosing either guy… I mean, she’s genuinely not interested. She probably thinks to herself, “Why do the guys I want never want me and the guys I don’t want pursue me?” (And that’s something I’ve written about elsewhere…)

What you’re talking about is something totally different than what I’m talking about or writing about in this article… apples and oranges.

Reply June 5, 2015, 7:02 pm

Tiffany York

Can you provide a link to the article you mentioned, “Why do the guys I want never want me and the guys I don’t want pursue me?”
It’s the story of my life. ugh.

Reply July 13, 2015, 1:20 pm

Eric Charles

(Not to mention that being a “beautiful blonde girl in the office” might play, ya know, a tiny part in motivating their interest… and not her lack of interest in them… but again, you and I are just on different pages entirely…)

Reply June 5, 2015, 7:04 pm

kris

Then why do they continue to pursue her????

Reply June 6, 2015, 6:35 pm

Eric Charles

A bunch of reasons, such as (but not limited to):
– they see her constantly
– sometimes it’s fun to flirt with someone
– they see her constantly
– she sounds hot from your description
– they see her constantly
– it doesn’t sound like she’s stopping them or calling HR about workplace harrassment
– they see her constantly…

People hook up at workplaces all the time… you see each other all the time and it becomes a social circle of sorts… so even though she might not, hook up with them or date them (and have the whole office talking about it), she’s not stopping it either. The “fuel” isn’t coming from the chase… the “fuel” comes from the fact that it’s fun to flirt, people need breaks during their work day and you are a social circle that all she a common, built-in conversation.

This article is about whether or not men “love the chase” and if looking at relationships from that perspective is effective (to which I say it’s not)… this is not a “chase”… this is a workplace social dynamic and meaningless flirtation. That’s why I say it’s apples and oranges.

Reply June 8, 2015, 12:52 am

Jen

REALLY well written and well-said. It makes a lot of sense. If you live a full, happy life, it will be a pleasure to bring that happiness to others, period. Maybe I could also add that if the focus is on being a blessing to others, you enjoy what you have and no longer worry about what you don’t!!! Thanks for the advice!

Reply May 31, 2015, 10:51 pm

Tina

Hi Eric

Thanks a lot for this post. I wish I found this post just 2 month ago. 🙁
Especially I like your analogy “How is the “man in your life” performing?”
I have questions in my head. I think I seriously need helps!

Because I cannot forget my crush who told me not to contact him any more.

Because I rejected him when he wanted to hold my hands and kissed me. When we said goodbye in that evening , I saw the pain on his face. I cried on the train myself.
Although I tried to amend it and he did not accept it well. So he did not reply my last text.
But after 4 weeks , he replied me saying that He was not mad at me.He didn’t think I had same feelings with him and not wanting intimacy. And told me he started something with another woman but not in couple yet.

At the same time, told me he hopes I am not upset and if I am ok.

My question is why did he even saying this to me when he could quietly go?
Because I did not contact him for 4 weeks as I was very busy. I am not the person that nags a lot. Why did he even need to tell me this not to contact him any more?

But I still like him a lot. I felt so empty and lost something I really want.
I want to know where I stand. I sent him very long message saying why I did things and what my feelings are. He never replied .

What should I do? I cannot forget him.

We kissed 3 years ago only once but really long before he left to another country for work. We never stopped contacting each other.I never dated any other guys because I felt there is something really important between him and me.
Now is it wasted all those year I waited?

Reply May 15, 2015, 7:28 am

Faith kandega

Hey Eric
Thanks for your important advice,it has really helped me to get through the heartbreak i have.i am now stress free from every advice you give.Thanks In Advance and wish to learn more.

Reply May 5, 2015, 12:57 am

sji

Eric – just to say that you make it very easy to clear away all the unimportant and damaging stuff that seeps into our thinking and to embrace ways of thinking that will bring happiness, in all it’s many forms. Thank u!

Reply March 7, 2015, 10:47 pm

jen

Hey Eric,

Thank you, you are so on the money, it took me reading this to realize it again. Thank you. I have taken myself off the market for the last 5 years because of so many issues. The hard part was opening myself up and getting back into it, I did and put myself in a dumb position, wanting, needing, blah blah blah. Knowing all of this from before, I needed someone to reiterate it to me. So thank you for that.

Jen

Reply February 28, 2015, 1:11 am

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot — and trust me, it happens and it’s OK. The important thing is that you’re in a good place now.

We all make mistakes… even I’ve fallen off the horse and lost perspective (and then made mistakes)… we are lucky, because we could see they were mistakes and why… and move on from it.

Reply February 28, 2015, 11:49 am

Rehema

Eric,thanks alot for this article have learned from it

Reply February 27, 2015, 4:08 am

Eric Charles

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Reply February 28, 2015, 11:48 am

Michelle

I don’t see this on the article anywhere, but when is it time to continue or leave the “chase” with a man? I’m pretty sure the feeling of being busy and occupied with other aspects of your life will keep the neediness and obsession at bay, but won’t it also prevent the woman from giving the guy a green light? (assuming this “busy with my life” impression goes long enough).

Reply February 26, 2015, 8:24 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Michelle,

I understand what you’re asking, but we need to look at your question itself because it’s actually the perspective that’s the problem here… not lacking an answer to the questions you’re asking.

Your question frames the situation like a woman is inherently needy/obsessed and she needs to keep all that at bay with tricks and strategies… kind of like a volcano that’s about to explode, but right now the cap is still on the mountain…

The fact is that the “neediness” or “obsession” comes from a perspective… and if you shift your perspective, the neediness and obsession disappears too… and it’s replaced by a calm, happy, enthusiastic enjoyment of the other person as they are.

“Neediness” is a mindset… it is the perspective that you “need” someone else to do something or be a certain way, or else you won’t be OK…

As a process it looks like this:
Step 1) Feel not-OK.
Step 2) Believe that if he did/said something, you’d feel OK again.
Step 3) Obsess about it, analyze what he might be thinking/feeling, plot/scheme
Step 4) Try to gauge where he’s at / try to make him do or say what you want in order to feel OK

And the silliest part of all this is that what he’s doing/saying has nothing to do with him… it has to do with how you relate to yourself… it has to do with your own ability to feel OK.

The most telling thing in all this is that you were OK before you met him… you were fine!

So somewhere along the line, you lost yourself in “the dream”… you lost yourself in the idea that what he does or doesn’t do has something to do with your happiness or OK-ness… and I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t.

If you want to put your attention on anything… put it on your own OK-ness… You’re OK now… You’re OK with everything that’s happened up until now. You’re OK no matter what.

When you’re OK, you create an opening to enjoy life… and why wouldn’t you choose enjoyment? It certainly is a lot more fun than worry or fear or self-doubt, right?

Nobody feels those negative feelings because they want to… they feel them because they believe there’s an unsolvable problem to solve in order to be happy or have what you need to be complete… I’m here to tell you, there is no problem and you’re already complete.

When you realize you’re OK, then it’s no longer about what signals you’re giving a man… or what he’s thinking… or if you’re giving him a green light or not… it’s simply that you’re OK and you’re living a life that you enjoy… and if/when you spend time with him, it’s because you enjoy it…

There is nothing more appealing… sexy… and fulfilling to a man… than to spend time with a woman who is 100% OK and simply enjoying herself… it is intoxicating and irresistible to men.

That’s the perspective you want to be living from… when you focus there, you’ll never need to read another “best selling relationship advice” book again… (of course, you can always buy ours anyway… hehe)

Reply February 28, 2015, 11:48 am

Rose

Hi Eric!
I LOVE YOUR ADVICES! really! lol
anyway, I have a question.
What’s with guys being so prideful? I mean I hate it when they use their
I-can-handle-this-on-my-own-I-can-protect-you mode. Isn’t it ridiculous?, claiming the problem all by their selves thinking that their being macho! hmp.

Reply February 26, 2015, 6:32 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you.

So wait… *all* men or just the ones you’re choosing to focus on? 🙂

Reply February 26, 2015, 7:51 pm

Eva

Eric, where have you been all my life?? Your advice truly rocks, thanks for helping me to stop over analysing everything relationship wise, and chill out. It works. Thanks again, Eric!

Reply January 20, 2015, 5:20 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much, I appreciate that.

Reply February 26, 2015, 7:52 pm

ann

Hi eric love to read what you put up i have been reading alot and helping on comenting with women who want or need help i to understand what u mean buy this if only i read this sooner before i meet my former partner

Reply December 29, 2014, 7:26 pm

Monarch

Yeah, just like a guy, “see where things go.” They fail to want to plan! So We cannot act like we’re “looking for something” or it ends. People check out cars to see how it runs, houses to see if its a good fit but — a relationship, WE have to act like “there is no destination”. There’s a destination to everything we do.

It would be practical to ask 101 questions on the SECOND date to see what he is made of. 1 divorce — I’ve learned men are more complicated than they look. THEY want to be wooed. They get all the benefits/PERKS in a — marriage. If I was a guy, I would want to be married to, to the right person — one who cooks, cleans, bakes, works, does all the errands, the laundry, food shopping, what benefit is this for a — woman!!

Reply December 25, 2014, 4:49 pm

Ana

Eric, thank you so much for guidind me to a better relationship.
I understand that you received thousand of emails a day. Maybe you luck i will get an answer from you. My situation is: I have been communicating with this guy via text for the passed 3 weeks now. We meet on line and when we meet he was out of the country in a job assignment. He is coming back this weekend and he told me that he would like to meet me. He hasn’t made plans to meet yet . Do you think is a good idea to continue texting or is better if i stop? In mingle time he sends me a lots of pictures of himself at his job. Is this normal? Please give me you advise. Thank you

Reply December 18, 2014, 2:49 pm

Stasy

please help me with this issue, I met a guy at a mole where I went to buy electric fan,he came to buy fans too. He gave his card and ask me to call him after which I did. On our first date he took me to his house, we just played but didn’t have sex, then after that day, he doesn’t text nor call, I was the only one calling to the extend that I asked him if he not ok with me, then he asked me to come and see him. When I came, he broke up with me, reason are that he does not want to hurt me and all of that. So I want to know what happened ?
What did I do wrong?
Was I pushing myself too much at him to the extend of telling him how I feel about him?.. Please help me

Reply December 7, 2014, 5:49 pm

Antonia Baxter

How do you tell some one you don’t want to be with the anymore with out being harsh?
I truelly feel like he takes me for granted and I’m just a cleaner,cooker, etc.
And their no love left, not on my behalf anyway, he’s pushed me away for to long.
Please help I need him out of my flat.
Many thanks antonia

Reply November 22, 2014, 9:36 am

Jessie

Hey, i have a question Eric,
I really appreciate all the motivational articles about not worrying too much about if a guy likes you or caring, that really helped.
However, i wanted to know why most guys only like really thin women. I’m not skinny but im not fat either i like to think im in the middle and i have curves and all i just can’t grasp the idea of why men usually look for and like skinny women. Everytime i feel like a guy is into me he moves on and falls for a thinner woman and i’m left here like what the heck. I eat healthy, i play rugby, do i need to change so men will like me. I just dont understand.

Reply November 11, 2014, 11:29 pm

Jonah

It’s not like that for all guys. I personally don’t mind “thin” women….but I prefer women who are “soft” with curves….not skin and bones, but not obese either. Would you consider Marilyn Monroe thin or more like you? Most men would want a woman her that even today. Sometimes women who are somewhat stocky but fit aren’t considered to be “feminine”. Also, both men and women are usually attracted to a mate who looks healthy, it’s a primal instinct. One more thing: now you know what it’s like for a short guy who finds it hard to find a woman. A person has at least some control over their weight/figure, but nobody has any control over how tall they grow. However, for a woman it’s a primal instinct to prefer “strong/masculine” men…which short men are perceived as lacking. It’s a cruel world unfortunately for both genders.

Reply December 18, 2014, 8:33 pm

shukra

I met a guy on facebook in 2011 and we liked each other he live in another country we desaitet at June to see each other at august i went to see him i was with him for one week we was so happy both of as but after when i came back he davenetly changed he he started didn’t call me that much And send me a massages and startet talking about another girls who’s his neighbours last friaday night he was talking about a lady who is his neighbour he said to me she said i want you like you and i said so what and he said what is gonna happen if i sleep with her and i get so angry and said go and sleep whit her after that i didn’t talk to him he called me on Saturday and Sunday again i never assured his call and text me and i never text him back after that he call me again last night i was sleep so answered his call by exsident I was sleeping and i don’t know what i said to him but i just talk to him one minute the why i stopt calling him is i want he back and be nice to me like before i need advise what will i do

Reply November 6, 2014, 7:42 pm

shukra

We met at the facebook at 2011 and we sow each other by live on August 2014 til this time we was lovers

Reply November 6, 2014, 7:52 pm

Yvonne

This is very good. It was great using an analogy to help me understand that men does not actually love the chase. Because if you minus that part, I probably would not have truly understand it, and just purely memorise it in an attempt to help me in the relationship area.

For the part about a relationship not being a possession, it has enlightened me greatly but need time to get used to. Because a relationship has already become a label. Like the thought that only when you are in a relationship then can you do certain stuffs, so people think of getting that relationship in order to achieve something that they want. I used to treat it as a possession as I have the thought that only when getting a relationship with that guy then can I feel closer to him, label him as mine, that he won’t be able to be with other girls. But I guess it’s just a fault in my way of thoughts.

Reply October 14, 2014, 5:14 pm

Ashley

For the most part I agree with this article. The only problem with this is that too many women give too many things of value, and those things are never valued in return. To whoever reads this article, make sure that you don’t walk away thinking that you must not be valuable enough and that’s why he’s not with you. Or walk away thinking that out of everything of value you that you give/ gave, none of it must have been worthy enough.

What you need to know is that you are valuable just the way you are. Your time alone is valuable. Your thoughts are valuable. Your attention is valuable… And because you are valuable, be very slow and careful to waste it on people who are not willing to pay for it in their time, attention, honesty and loyalty. Be haute couture, not wal-mart. Never go on sale, and don’t roll back your prices for anyone.

Reply October 7, 2014, 9:01 pm

Flo

Thank you so much Eric for your emails. Particularly enjoyed this article. However my situation is a bit different. In my case, the guy in question happens to be my friend for many years now who’s also seeing someone else. We only recently admitted the possibility of something more than friendship and I find myself getting ahead of myself, and hoping for a miracle. So what I’m asking is- do you have any advice for a lady in my situation.

Reply October 2, 2014, 7:00 am

Riya

I’m not Eric, but may I? 🙂 …. Stop hoping and let your life unfold… slowly. The anxiety will kill the relationship before it’s off the ground. Enjoy being with your friend and date someone else if you feel the urge. Or don’t… but if you find urself waiting or wishing for your friend to break up with his woman that’s kind of ugly… and you realllllllyyy wouldn’t want to be that person 🙂 … Keep yourself busy, there are a million fun possibilities out there to keep you engaged and growing!!!! Good luck!! :-))

Reply October 3, 2014, 9:04 am

Flo

Thanks so much Raya, for your reply. It was a much needed douse of cold water.

Reply October 3, 2014, 5:37 pm

LC

I always get your emails with these little articles and I’ve never felt to comment but I really liked this one. Maybe it’s because of where my mind is this week but I bookmarked it it’s so true!

“People who succeed don’t focus on making someone chase. They focus on their own value, they have a clear idea of what they want and they select someone who genuinely enjoys them. This isn’t a game. It’s simple. Know you have value and options, know what you want, pick one that you love and loves you back”

I’m in a place where I’ve made a promise to myself what I would be my best me, I deserve the best and will not settle for bad treatments anymore, and the next man I become intimate with will be worth it and the love of my life. I know that might seem a tad over the top but I feel it will help me remain detached and date more intelligently.

This frame of mind has helped me with a couple of men I’ve meet in the last 2 months. Because I did not let myself be used either sexually or in any other way when their true nature or the red flags in their life started to emerge I could stay calm and just walk away in peace. Of course it’s disappointing but recovery is quicker, just dusting myself off and moving on and staying happy.

What that part says is so true: I don’t want to focus on making someone chase me. I want to focus on my worth, stay clear in what I what in a relationship and be with a genuine man that shares my principals and enjoys all of me not just my physical. As my favourite uncle advised me on men, if a man does not make you happy Mentally, Emotionally, and Physically then drop him. I’ve been using this as a mantra to keep me focused when meeting and dating guys and I’m much happier!

Thank you Charles! xx

Reply September 26, 2014, 7:12 am

Eliza

Thanks so much! I love this site, it’s like a good kick in the butt.
Thanks guys!

Reply September 25, 2014, 11:02 am

Nicole

Eric, you promote a lot of those chartalan ebooks that you talk about, so how can you call them crap? And as far as chasing goes, no, no one LOVES to chase anything, BUT they WILL chase it if they HAVE to have it. There’s a difference.

Reply September 24, 2014, 9:52 am

Eric Charles

Hey now…

First off, the only people I’ve ever promoted are people I know personally… it’s true that they might have some ideas that don’t align with mine… but that’s fine… you get their perspective. That doesn’t make them charlatans — granted, nobody likes the sales / marketing messages, but I don’t have control over that part of their business… the only way I can share their material is to send people to their site and they do things how they see fit.

As for your second point… well, like… that doesn’t negate anything I wrote. The question is “Do men love the chase?” and my answer is no…

Moreover, my answer is that there are far more effective ways to build a strong, deep, amazing, long-lasting relationship than beginning it with making him chase you. Getting a man to chase you might look like it’s a good thing in the short term (if you even manage to do it), but in the long term you’re sowing poisonous seeds into your relationship that will damage or even destroy things later… I advocate an approach that doesn’t involve objectifying your partner, manipulating him and devaluing actual connection/bonding.

Reply September 24, 2014, 4:08 pm

Jess

“This isn’t a game. It’s simple. Know you have value and options, know what you want, pick one that you love and loves you back. It is not rocket science, but it’s impossible if you view it any other way” I wanted quote this because it sparked a question. I know I’m valuable I know several of my guy friends would do anything to be with me especially my best friend being they have said so. So I chose to pursue him. We dated once 3 years ago but due to his ex threading our lives things fizzled. We still are close and we talk everyday that is up until a month ago. The first week went by I assumed he was busy or stressed invited him over. We had a moment where we nearly kissed an he looks me in the eyes and says wait does this mean you now have feelings too? And I said yes. He kissed me several times passionately. We hung out for hours I even made him dinner. We had a great time and when he left he said he loved that I finally felt something too and that he’d see me real soon. 3 week pass with not a word or visit. My friends fill my head with things like he’s screwing around or playing me. Instead of freaking out for no reason I decided to just ask if everything was ok or if it was wrong to have feelings now. He said honestly in going to hurt you don’t waste your feeling I’m leaving in 2 months anyway. This becomes a fight. And we try to resolve it then he stops. And I wake up to him posting a fancy dinner with cheese cake and wine with bea. And it’s like ok what am I doing wrong? Why didn’t this work? And at what point did I stop being his bea? I just don’t get it.

Reply September 18, 2014, 4:06 pm

Jen

This makes so much sense! Fantastic analogy! Thank you!

Reply August 30, 2014, 11:03 am

Melissa

Unfortunately, the truth and fact of the situation is that when someone (we’ll say men in this instance) acquires something or someone too easily they don’t seem to value it. They may for a time (possibly the beginning honeymoon period), but it takes a very mature personality type to keep “showing up” in the relationship. Some people are just not ready for this. It is nothing to be angry with because they probably do not know it about themselves to begin with. However, to ensure this does not happen to you and that you do not waste your time, I suggest getting to know them well and slowly.

Reply August 16, 2014, 3:44 pm

el

@ laura get outta here with your Ad Homonym attack and let the man speak honestly. theres no obligation to be nice, just true. got it?

@eric please do go on….

Reply July 30, 2014, 5:52 pm

laura

Yes, THERE IS an obligation to be nice.It’s called basic education,but apparently you haven’t heard of it.People like you make the world such a dreadful place.Since when are manners overrated and insults,a way of expressing yourself? I’ll get out of here when there will be no more freedom of speech.GOT IT?

Reply July 31, 2014, 1:21 am

el

wow eric just kicked my ass ! lol!
love it!

Reply July 30, 2014, 5:46 pm

laura

Right,and you hold the universal truth. I get it now.My comment was not a joke.I’m talking about being educated and civilized.Other writers put as much effort in their work as you do.Dismissing someone is immature.Also,my opinion is not singular.Other people feel the same.I’m sure other writers call your work ‘garbage’ too.Oh wait.Maybe they don’t.

Reply July 26, 2014, 12:52 pm

Eric Charles

I’m just a guy writing my opinion. You’re entitled to yours. Thanks for the comment.

Reply July 26, 2014, 4:07 pm

laura

Stop calling other people’s advice and ebooks ‘garbage’.It’s TOXIC.Let readers choose what they like and what they don’t.Why are other writers charlatans? Grow up.

Reply July 26, 2014, 9:25 am

Eric Charles

There are a lot of crap ebooks and relationship books out there that are written by marketers and contain no valuable information. Actually, worse than that: they contain misguided, destructive information. So in my book, that’s garbage.

At the same time, there are plenty of excellent relationship ebooks and books out there too. I never said all books and ebooks were bad. And I never said all experts were charlatans – while they are the minority, there are some amazing relationship coaches, experts, teachers, etc. out there.

I don’t understand what your defensiveness is about – you’re addressing me like this article was a personal attack to you or as if I was specifically saying the relationship book (or books) that you value are crap. I never said anything of the sort.

As for letting readers choose what they like and don’t like… umm… that’s happening anyway.

I think you just wanted to complain and fight… you adorable little rascal. 😉 😛

Reply July 26, 2014, 11:47 am

michelle

I just read your articles recently and ashamedly it is as if you jumped into my head and drug out every dumb thing I have done. It all makes such sense and yet it is the hardest thing to do, especially when the heart is involved. But I am following what you say and maybe this time I will finally get it right. Thank you so much!

Reply July 12, 2014, 1:16 pm

Dana

Eric,
Thank you for these tips. I dated a guy from Match.com for a month, then he ended it. In that time however, I remember thinking … If he likes me he will call. Period. I kept it simple and it worked. Not sure why he drew me in then chickened out… Lol

Thanks again,
Dana

Reply June 27, 2014, 1:33 pm

char

Hi eric! Wow this was the best article i ever red about relationships so I want to thank you! It makes a lot clear! Its funny coz what I want is also what a guy want (the job thing) I didnt know coz of the false msgs u’ve get from magazines etc. So im glad i red this so its confirmed from what I always knew inside so thank u so much!! ^^

Reply June 12, 2014, 3:23 am

alison

for the last few months they have been a rollar coaster. the man I had a child with and I want to reconnect and rekindle. I am willing to take the risk and go all in with living together and making the time with eachother. we are both single, were kind of intimatly connected but wasn’t giving me what I wanted. So I decided to read and observe and then I stopped texting him and talking to him about the relationship, and I started dating and seeing other men, *He has a woman “friend” living with him.. yeah yeah, but we were separated for 7 years and I can’t full expect things over night* any ways.. he is interested in me. last night he wanted the party favor before the party *ie sex* I shot him down and expressed to him, remeber what I said …I stated to him.. I told you I am not giving my body away to someone that doesn’t want more then a commitment from me. (we have a child and I don’t want to go into this yo yo of were sleeping together he gets what he wants and I get nothing but when he sees our child) I told him I know what I want from him, my daughter and I want him in our lives fully, his actions and body language when hes around clearly states he wants it too.. though he is relcutant to make that life style change right now…sooo he thinks teasing is ok.. well I think I need to step it up and put him in the friend zone for a while. idk.. I know what I want and I am not really getting all of it right now and this girl is in the picture and I started dating so I don’t wait around to get my hopes up and hurt if he can’t step up.. so I limit most affection, friend him, don’t let him to in, be mystrious, show him what life is like with me with out the sex and the dreams my daughter and I have for our family to be together will become reality.. because we love him flaws and all.

Reply May 22, 2014, 7:53 am

Lovetta

I have just recently reconnected with an old HS sweetheart. He said he loves me but his heart is afraid to say it. He was my first love even though both of us have been divorced twice. Do you think he is afraid to love again?

Reply May 14, 2014, 11:34 am

YYS

Eric, I must say that this is the most enlightening article regarding relationship that I’ve ever read. The analogy used is so apt that it totally untangled my confusion about why men around me hardly proactively chase.

Reply April 3, 2014, 12:16 pm

Eric Charles

Awesome, I’m really glad to hear that, thanks. 🙂

Reply April 3, 2014, 1:05 pm

liz

OMG..where do you come from….? incredible i can see myself doing exactly the wrong..and wanting to read more…are you from planet earth?

Reply May 12, 2014, 9:48 pm

DearDarling

Eric, it is motivating and inspiring to read you call the things so bluntly.
Finally someone flushes all the BS down the drain.
And btw, your The Inner World of Men…thank you for having the guts to opening yourself up in such a way. It really helped me understand things from a different perspective…

Reading you is a sanity savior.

DD

Reply March 25, 2014, 1:49 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot, I really appreciate that. The “Inner World” piece and this article are two of my favorite writings, so I’m glad you liked them too.

Reply March 25, 2014, 2:10 pm

Steff

OMG Eric, this is the first time ever I read that guys do not love the chase… And it sounds totally plausible to me! Thank you!

Reply March 11, 2014, 5:04 pm

Eric Charles

Most people who write dating advice just repeat stuff they’ve heard or read and they’re too afraid to think for themselves… I’m tired of seeing crap advice carbon-copying itself and screwing people up.

Reply March 11, 2014, 5:19 pm

Stacy

This article cleared up a lot of things for me. I always felt like a lot of the dating advice sites were encouraging women to play mind games and manipulate guys because they kept saying men love the chase without explaining what that means. The analogy with a lazy employee made things crystal clear in my head. Men love a woman who loves herself and knows that she has other options if this man doesn’t work out. Thanks for the great article.

Reply December 11, 2013, 4:38 pm

Lorraine

Umm. Your article is great Eric. The pitch at the end ruins it a bit for me though.

First it’s: This idea of “men love the chase” needs to die…(…)

But then at the end there’s a: “P.S. Check out this must-see psychology secret that practically forces him to chase you, adore you and love you as his one and only… How to keep him wanting you… forever.”

I love the advice you give at ANM but please don’t tarnish it by endorsing “advice garbage by so-and-so-charlatan-dating-advice writers”…

Reply November 28, 2013, 3:05 pm

Eric Charles

Lol, you have a point 😉

Reply November 28, 2013, 6:06 pm

Lizzy

Thank you!!! This must be the best you have written all time!! I think I finally got it…… Lots of love to you, Eric!!!

Reply November 18, 2013, 2:58 pm

Mercedes

“I’m trying to untangle your mind from the psychological spaghetti this culture has convinced you is real.” ..My spaghetti-entangled mind loved that sentence. ????

Reply November 1, 2013, 8:27 pm

Eric Charles

Lol 🙂

Reply March 25, 2014, 2:10 pm

Jody

Very well written.

Reply November 1, 2013, 4:20 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much.

Reply March 25, 2014, 2:11 pm

Bea

I love it when Eric rants because its always guaranteed to be a good rant LOL.
Thank you so much Eric ! You the man!!

Reply November 1, 2013, 3:43 pm

Eric Charles

Glad you liked it.

Reply March 25, 2014, 2:11 pm

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