There’s this guy that I met a few weeks ago, he’s an old friend of my best friend and they know each other really well. All of us started hanging out together and eventually he and I hooked up. To explain my “problem” I have to tell the most important facts:
He plays in a band, is good looking, and has a lot of girls chasing after him. My sister warned me not to expect a lot from somebody like him because he seems unpredictable. But my best friend, who knows him much better (but can be a little naïve), thinks the best of him, and said that he’s looking for something more than what those girls “offer.”
He showed interest from the first time we met- asking things about me, inviting me to come over to some party, etc.- but I think this is just the way he is. He’s nice to everybody so I don’t think I was treated special or something.
We talked for hours before kissing each other. It was nothing I was planning, it kind of just happened. But it was a great night and he told me he liked it too, he also said a lot of cute things to me and tried to be a gentleman.
I promised him I would call him, but I forgot it, so he called me the next day and we went out at night (but with my other friend as well, nothing like a date). Later that night he told me that I should call him sometime because he didn’t want to be the “only one who puts effort in this” and I said that I would text him. The next day I sent him a message late at night saying I thought a lot about him. He called me the next night and referred to my text, saying that he thought about me too, especially about the kiss.
I didn’t contact him for three days, and when I did, I asked if he wanted to go out with a group of us (message, no call). He answered the next day, apologizing that he didn’t write sooner, and asked if he could call me the next day (he did but I missed the call).
So my question is: from what you know about him (womanizer, band/party-guy but polite and friendly and good friend) and what happened between us, do you think he is just being nice and polite in calling or texting me back, and doing this because he kind of feels he “has to,” or do you think he could possibly be interested in me? I usually know pretty well what I want (or don’t) but this time I’m completely clueless. My sister’s advice was to not expect anything from him and she kind of thinks he’s a selfish guy (or in a selfish phase of his life) but my best friend likes him a lot and doesn’t really agree with with my sister’s negative thinking.
And I don’t really know, he did show that he liked me at first, but then he went a week without calling me (but then again, I didn’t call him either).
I really don’t want to like a guy who couldn’t care less, but I don’t want to give up before anything has started. Do you think I should stop expecting something from him and move on to being friends, or do you think there is no risk in going on and liking him (I know, no risk no fun, but I had enough of disappointments)? And how do I know if he just liked the kiss (as he said) or if he actually likes me as well?
I’ll give you my opinion on the rock star/womanizer type of guy. What most notably sets these types of guys apart from most guys is that they have a ton of choice with women. Having a woman in their life is not an issue.
And since this type of guy has so much choice, he can be picky. He doesn’t want just any girl. He wants a special girl.
So what kind of a woman would be special to a guy like this? At the core, he wants a woman that is different.
Most girls will want him because of what he is. But a special woman would see beyond the whole “rock-star thing” and see him for exactly who he really is. She would talk to him about deeper things that are meaningful to him.
See a rock-star is so used to entertaining people, he tends to attract women who want to be entertained. So he entertains them in every way he knows how, she is thrilled (just like every other woman before her) and she does anything he wants. Meanwhile, she never challenged him. She never explored him. She never tried to understand him on any deep level. She just enjoyed the ride and once the ride is over, he’s bored of her because she’s done nothing to make herself meaningful to him.
Believe it or not, these types of guys are very lonely and usually do not feel understood as a person. Yeah, they have people around them, but guys like this often feel like they are constantly putting on a show and nobody actually cares about who they really are.
Now I’m not saying all guys like this – it is quite possible that a guy like this is in a selfish phase of his life and isn’t necessarily in a place where he wants a girlfriend. Regardless of where he is, you can change a man’s life when you connect with him on a deeper level than most women.
So how can you connect with him on a deeper level? Be curious about him. Understand him. Give him space to express how he really feels about things. Let him see all of the sides of your personality. Have your own opinion – don’t just swallow what you believe and instead say what you think he wants to hear.
When you are different, you are interesting. You will go beyond what he’s used to and you’ll engage him.
I should point out that so far it seems like you haven’t been making much of an effort to contact him since you are hoping that he’ll contact you. A guy like this generally doesn’t have to make much of an effort with women since women usually come to him.
In fact, he might be confused about how you feel about him since you’re holding back so much. He probably isn’t used to being in a situation where he has to be the pursuer. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is a good thing for you to have him chase you a bit, but you should definitely make sure you balance it with showing signs that you’re available and interested in him.
Too much pursuing and showing that you’re interested will hurt your chances of him being interested in you. At the same time, if you depend entirely on him pursuing and chasing you, it is likely that he won’t even think of you as a potential option. That is, he may misinterpret your behavior as a lack of interest on your part and not want to take a risk with you.
Believe it or not, even guys who have tons of women interested in them are afraid of rejection. He may have all sorts of girls begging for his attention, but that doesn’t mean that he’s any less afraid of being rejected by a girl that he wants. I would say hold back a little less and give him some signs of encouragement without making yourself seem needy or desperate. I guess a word to describe that would be “receptive.” Be receptive to him and give him the chance to impress you – when he does, be encouraging.
Here’s a final thought on the whole situation: I realize that you see him as a guy that you want, but don’t forget to realize that you are a prize too. If you look at the situation like it is a test of whether or not you are “worthy” of him, you’ll be stacking the odds against you. It’s much better to find your own confidence and act from the place of knowing that you are a catch too and you are approaching him as an equal.
It is a much better approach to come from a place of confidence than a place of being scared that he is too good for you. And trust me, recognizing how appealing and sexy you are is very attractive to guys. Call it what you want: confidence, radiance, sex appeal; it is extremely powerful in how attractively you come across to men.
Hope that helps.