Ask a Guy: I Want the Guy That All the Girls Want post image

Ask a Guy: I Want the Guy That All the Girls Want


There’s this guy that I met a few weeks ago, he’s an old friend of my best friend and they know each other really well. All of us started hanging out together and eventually he and I hooked up. To explain my “problem” I have to tell the most important facts:

He plays in a band, is good looking, and has a lot of girls chasing after him. My sister  warned me not to expect a lot from somebody like him because he seems unpredictable. But my best friend, who knows him much better (but can be a little naïve), thinks the best of him, and said  that he’s looking  for something more than what those girls “offer.”

He showed interest from the first time we met- asking things about me, inviting me to come over to some party, etc.- but I think this is just the way he is. He’s nice to everybody so I don’t think I was treated special or something.

We talked for hours before kissing each other. It was nothing I was planning, it kind of just happened. But it was a great night and he told me he liked it too, he also said a lot of cute things to me and tried to be a gentleman. 

I promised him I would call him, but I forgot it, so he called me the next day and we went out at night (but with my other friend as well, nothing like a date). Later that night he told me that I should call him sometime because he didn’t want to be the “only one who puts effort in this” and I said that I would text him. The next day I sent him a message late at night saying  I thought a lot about him. He called me the next night and referred to my text, saying that he thought about me too, especially about the kiss.

I didn’t contact him for three days, and when I did, I asked if he wanted to go out with a group of us (message, no call). He answered the next day, apologizing that he didn’t write sooner, and asked if he could call me the next day (he did but I missed the call). 

So my question is: from what you know about him (womanizer, band/party-guy but polite and friendly and good friend) and what happened between us, do you think he is just being nice and polite in calling or texting me back, and doing this because he kind of feels he “has to,” or do you think he could possibly be interested in me? I usually know pretty well what I want (or don’t) but this time I’m completely clueless. My sister’s advice was to not expect anything from him and she kind of thinks he’s a selfish guy (or in a selfish phase of his life) but my best friend likes him a lot and doesn’t really agree with with my sister’s  negative thinking.

And I don’t really know, he did show that he liked me at first, but then he went a week without calling me  (but then again, I didn’t call him either).

I really don’t want to like a guy who couldn’t care less, but I don’t want to give up before anything has started. Do you think I should stop expecting something from him and move on to being friends, or do you think there is no risk in going on and liking him (I know, no risk no fun, but I had enough of disappointments)? And how do I know if he just liked the kiss (as he said) or if he actually likes me as well?

I’ll give you my opinion on the rock star/womanizer type of guy. What most notably sets these types of guys apart from most guys is that they have a ton of choice with women. Having a woman in their life is not an issue.

And since this type of guy has so much choice, he can be picky. He doesn’t want just any girl. He wants a special girl.

So what kind of a woman would be special to a guy like this? At the core, he wants a woman that is different.

Most girls will want him because of what he is. But a special woman would see beyond the whole “rock-star thing” and see him for exactly who he really is. She would talk to him about deeper things that are meaningful to him.

See a rock-star is so used to entertaining people, he tends to attract women who want to be entertained. So he entertains them in every way he knows how, she is thrilled (just like every other woman before her) and she does anything he wants. Meanwhile, she never challenged him. She never explored him. She never tried to understand him on any deep level. She just enjoyed the ride and once the ride is over, he’s bored of her because she’s done nothing to make herself meaningful to him.

Believe it or not, these types of guys are very lonely and usually do not feel understood as a person. Yeah, they have people around them, but guys like this often feel like they are constantly putting on a show and nobody actually cares about who they really are.

Now I’m not saying all guys like this – it is quite possible that a guy like this is in a selfish phase of his life and isn’t necessarily in a place where he wants a girlfriend. Regardless of where he is, you can change a man’s life when you connect with him on a deeper level than most women.

So how can you connect with him on a deeper level? Be curious about him. Understand him. Give him space to express how he really feels about things. Let him see all of the sides of your personality. Have your own opinion – don’t just swallow what you believe and instead say what you think he wants to hear.

When you are different, you are interesting. You will go beyond what he’s used to and you’ll engage him.

I should point out that so far it seems like you haven’t been making much of an effort to contact him since you are hoping that he’ll contact you. A guy like this generally doesn’t have to make much of an effort with women since women usually come to him.

In fact, he might be confused about how you feel about him since you’re holding back so much.  He probably isn’t used to being in a situation where he has to be the pursuer.  Don’t get me wrong, I think it is a good thing for you to have him chase you a bit, but you should definitely make sure you balance it with showing signs that you’re available and interested in him.

Too much pursuing and showing that you’re interested will hurt your chances of him being interested in you.  At the same time, if you depend entirely on him pursuing and chasing you, it is likely that he won’t even think of you as a potential option.  That is, he may misinterpret your behavior as a lack of interest on your part and not want to take a risk with you.

Believe it or not, even guys who have tons of women interested in them are afraid of rejection.  He may have all sorts of girls begging for his attention, but that doesn’t mean that he’s any less afraid of being rejected by a girl that he wants.  I would say hold back a little less and give him some signs of encouragement without making yourself seem needy or desperate.  I guess a word to describe that would be “receptive.”  Be receptive to him and give him the chance to impress you – when he does, be encouraging.

Here’s a final thought on the whole situation:  I realize that you see him as a guy that you want, but don’t forget to realize that you are a prize too.  If you look at the situation like it is a test of whether or not you are “worthy” of him, you’ll be stacking the odds against you. It’s much better to find your own confidence and act from the place of knowing that you are a catch too and you are approaching him as an equal.

It is a much better approach to come from a place of confidence than a place of being scared that he is too good for you.  And trust me, recognizing how appealing and sexy you are is very attractive to guys.  Call it what you want: confidence, radiance, sex appeal; it is extremely powerful in how attractively you come across to men.

Hope that helps.

-eric charles

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Misty

Wow! Eric hit the nail on the head about rock stars being lonely and jaded. I dated a couple of rock stars when I was a teenager. One even thought I was a typical groupie because he saw me at a concert for another band. Haha, I had seen him but put it down to “such a famous rock star would never be in a tiny arena watching another band” and I went on my merry way with my friends. He had seen me and liked me and I got his curiosity up by not acknowledging him beyond the brief nod I gave him as I walked by…so much so, the next year when he came back to my city, he actually tracked me down…he thought I’d recognize him but nope, again I didn’t and so this time he pursued me like a normal dude and gave me a fake name and I fell for it and dated him. We went out for about 3 months and then we ended up breaking up, but it took me years before I finally realized I had dated a very famous rock star…and the reason he stayed with me and treated me like his real girlfriend was because I was one of the few women, maybe even the only one in a long time who didn’t cater to his every need. Who challenged him. Heck, I told him his biggest hit was the stupidest song that rock star ever did…bet he didn’t ever hear that from anyone close to him in his “real life”…lol.

Reply July 21, 2015, 6:39 pm

Sel

I’m in the same scenario. I haven’t talked to the guy for two weeks while he was on tour, and a few days after he got back I reached out to him to know how he’s doing and compliment him ‘coz I liked his outfit during one of his concerts in different countries. Up to now he hasn’t replied yet. A month ago he used to be the one initiating contact and I would reply, then recently I’m starting to be the one doing it then he would answer right away and tell me he misses me. I just miss those days that we get to talk about more serious stuff in person ‘coz we don’t do that a lot often when we talk online 🙁

Reply January 21, 2015, 2:14 am

Leprechaun

Hi there!
So I am just a pathetic middle schooler who’s been crushing on a guy all year whom would fit into the guy all the girls want category. Unfortunately. And he’s a nice, friendly guy so he has a ton of fan girls, a group I don’t want to seem a part of, though technically I guess I am. So anyway I have it bad. He is kinda sorta flirty with me (has been most of the year)*examples varying from stupid-yet joking arguments, to jumping into each others conversations and pushing others out (Which sounds bad, but what I meant was we were talking to a group of our friends who slowly backed out til it was just us, which happened more than a few times), to prolonged eye contact, winking, awkwardly convenient think out loud moments (me going “YAY” cause he was going to be in my math and science class to him going “Aww” about me not being in the talent show & him getting as excited as I was when I got in. And that was a lot of excitement. XP) not to mention when his friends either suddenly notice I exist, start sparking up conversation and make it seem that he likes me* but I found out he’s moving to another state during the summer. Anyway, I need to get the nerve to ask him for his number. Now, logically this would mean simply asking but I’m afraid to seem weird and feel like I need some verification to ask. (aka, I think I need a reason I guess, other wise I’ll feel weird about it) :/ My idea was to say something like “Hey, so I know you’re moving, and I really wanted to keep contact and hear about *insert state here*(<<Sorry, didn't want to put his info out there, stalker watch) so do you think we could exchange numbers?" But IDEK anymore. Plus I legitimately can not move on. -_- I have tried and this is new for me because I've had 'crushes' before, but I moved on without a second thought. Now I am afraid to lose him to another girl *again, the fangirls, gr* and he's not even mine! I feel like it's borderline obsessive or something *I'm 14, let me have my over dramatics* and to be honest I would be scared probably if I didn't love the feeling I get around him. So basically I want to know if I should attempt to pursue or move the F along. And if you respond with something like 'move your focus to something else you like' I am going to flip because we are so similar. My friends legitimately can't think of one thing bad about him or any guy whom would be as perfect for me as him. ( And neither can I. He's amazingly talented musically, I swear he's a genius education wise, quite athletic and fit, nice, adorable, sweet, kind, cute, funny, caring, etc *insert just about every good character quality you can think of* and just about everything I have interest in reminds me of him) So yeah. I just don't know because I've never been scared of not getting a guy or losing a guy *just occurred to me how awkwardly well this goes with Demi Lovato's song Heartattack*(this isn't pride or cockiness here btw, I'm a forever alone single pringle XP *my friends crazy language for never ever gone out/been asked out/kissed/etc and probs never will in the near or distant future*)

And I've asked my more guy smart friends (supreme flirt masters, queens of hookups, the girl whose best friends with all the guys so knows what they want, etc) and they all think A) he likes me B) I need to get my rear in gear and do something about it C) that I am delusional about this whole ordeal, oblivious, a natural flirt, and that me and him are apparently great at flirting (though I refer to it as awesomely weird locker conversations and cute 'arguments') plus D) that my 'shyness' *the fact that if you aren't a close-er-ish friend I am apparently perceived as shy, smart, and quiet* is going to be the death of me.

So basically, if you can just put my mind at ease a bit on this I would be pretty much forever grateful. 😀 OH! If you have any questions/need some clarifications I'll be happy to oblige. Again, Thank you and sorry about the novel here!

Reply May 9, 2013, 9:58 pm

Rachel

I love your advice on this. I’m actually shocked that this is what I picked up on the guy I like. I picked up that he probably felt misunderstood…weird. Anyways I agree with you a hundred percent. The guy I like I think likes me, but its annoying because I have done stuff that upset him, but he knows I like him and when I ignore him it pisses him off then he will talk to a girl in front of me on purpose. This pisses me off. Anyways I got back on his good side because I give a little (going up to talk to him) and he likes it a lot which confused me because I thought people always chase him I don’t want to chase also. At any rate what I do could hurt him a lot cause he really likes me, I really like him too, but I sometimes back off more so because I’m scared. =/ I don’t want to like anyone.

Reply April 3, 2012, 1:47 am

kh

you are a slut

Reply January 30, 2012, 3:36 pm

Megz

Super true! Bang on! You’re really really good…this explains a lot…and also helps restore my confidence that well, I just may be “good enough” afterall 😛

Now I know why despite me not being conventionally good looking, he seemed attracted to me…cause I am “different” 😀

Reply October 21, 2011, 5:32 am

Michele

My finace has two children 14 and 16 1/2 , who live with their mother. They spend every other weekend with him. I was supposed to move in with him and I decided not to after we got the apartment. He lets them do whatever they want and have no rules. He leaves the door open for them to go in and out and they leave their wash and go out for the day and he cleans up after them. I have an older daughter living in an apartment a distance away in a great job and degree…. Problem is he cannot afford the rent and wants me to move in and work part time and contribute to him and the kids. I would rather contribute to my daughter who has college loans. So I am to blame for everything. He has no car insurance because he cannot afford it the rent is behind and so are the bills. We never go anywhere. I decided to stay where I was so he could spend his time with the children and then see me. Now I get yelled at all the time.

Last night he went bowling and then saw a friend outside a bar and went in for drinks when he was supposed to call me after bowling and never did. He said I would be mad if he called and he was out. I called him a number of times until finally I called him at home and his roomate heard my voice and text him to tell him I called. That is when he finally called because he did not want me to bother his roomate (who he got when I did not move in). Never did he answer my texts or calls…. I even called after he finally called and he said he left the phone in the car overnight.

He said he was sorry and we would talk. I asked him if he wanted to be out of the relationship and he does not know. Does that mean yes? I know he cares but does he want to drink and party and I am in his way. What should I do. It has been 10 yrs.

H

Reply May 10, 2011, 11:37 am

My Bootycall

OK. First off, im married! Me and my husband have been having marital problems for about 2 yrs. and only married close to 3. I think he is addicted to porn, but is in denial. We will go months without sex, and he will never initiate it, when i initiate it he makes excuses that hes tired, and when i ask if there is something wrong with me he instantly gets on the defense and tells me im being selfish, and why does it always have to be about me. I have begged for sex and rejected, i have suggested counseling, he refuses. He is away right now ( deployed) when he left for some some training last August he was gone for 2 weeks. i went out with the girls for some drinks and met someone. We exchanged #rs and that following weekened we text eachother, i drove over to the next town and picked him up after he hung out with his buddies from a bar and brought him back to my house, he knew i was married, i didnt hide anything. He was reluctant but agreed, we didnt waste much time, i told him the sex problem i was having and he was happy to accomodate me, no strings attached. It was great! We planned on seeing eachother again once my husband got deployed and that wouldnt be until November 2010, well when my husband left i text him and he responded he had a girlfriend, so i said oh, sorry, well if things dont work out you know how to find me, he text back “k” and that was it for a few months, He ended up texting me in mid February around 1am(booty call) started off with small talk, he said he still had the same GF but the relationship was not good. I drove out to where he was and we had sex while he was working graveyard, plowin snow! Yes in his wk. truck! Then 2 weeks later again, i text him, he was out with his GF but quickly took her home and made the excuse that he had to plow snow that night! He came to my house and spent the night. another 2 weeks passed and we didnt text, then friday night came along and he text me and asked if i wanted company. I said sure why not, he came over and broke the news to me that he broke up with his girlfriend, that she had been searching through his phone and he was fed up, and how she suspected he had been sleeping with someone else. After he told me that, he asked me if i was going to tell my husband about US! i quickly said “no, that ive been cheating on him” and he kinda looked surprised by my answer but then said ‘oh good, cause some girls are like that”. Also my husband was comming home in a couple of days and i told him that he would be home for 2 weeks, so i woulnt have any contact with him for that time, and he said ok, So this was in the middle of April, just last month. He text me the Sunday before my husband left, around noon time! I was surprised cause it wasnt at 2am. So that following week i text him on friday and he said he had friends in town and was hangin out with them, I text cool, just let me know when u have time, he text”k” a week went by and i text him once again on friday asking him what he was up to? I had a couple of drinks and told him i was feeling good and wanted him! he said he was hangin out with family and also drinking but that he would try and get away later on! he text at 2am and asked if i was still up? He came over but said he coulnt stay long cause he was only on a beer run, so he had to be quick. He stood about an hour, i text him about a half hr. after he left, just making sure he made it back o.k he didnt respond. So Sat. night i text again, i was out with the girls again and told him where i was and asked where he was? No response, so now i was concerned that maybe he never made ot home, My last text to him was ” hey baby, is everything ok?”at 2am. He text me back at 7am replying”ya just tired” so now i felt like he was just blowing me off. I responded later that afternoon saying “Well, nice to know your still breathing”. He replied” haha thanks”. I think im really starting to like him and not sure how to handle this anymore, I dont want to seem pushy or desperate but would like to see him more than once everyother week, i know he works alot and is in the process of getting a place, since his break-up he’s been at his moms. I invited him on tuesday to drive into a town thats about an hr away to a casino, he said dam, that would be fun, but he had to wk. so i suggested that we plan it to go on a weekened and stay the night, he said that would be nice but he doesnt get weekeneds off very often, so i said wow, so how did u even have a girlfriend when u have no time to spend? He replied thats partlyb why i dont have a GF, I said oh ok! Booty call only? He said pretty much, and even that is sometimes hard to find time for. So i just said Thats cool, i enjoy that too. wish i could see you more though, oh well, at least i tried! and that was it, no more texting since then. Did i scare him away or sound to needy? Or is it just too soon to tell? Oh, I also text him on cinco de mayo to say Happy cinco de mayo. But no response. What should i do? I know im married, but really dont see that lasting at all!

Reply May 9, 2011, 8:24 pm

katherine williams

I love this site ! Great advice all the time & accurate.

Reply May 3, 2011, 1:05 am

JN

Thank you for the well-written advice, Eric. You understand the difference in how men and women interpret each others’ actions since each gender, and actually each person, usually imposes their own perspective, unconsciously, upon others. Women see men who have a ton of girls throwing themselves at him and feel we need to be the prettiest, best, etc., and our competitive nature kicks in and we make ourselves miserable instead of acting with self respect and dignity. Women get thrown off because those men approach us differently (make less effort) than other guys who have fewer options.

Reply January 23, 2011, 11:23 am

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