Ask a Guy: He Cheated but Says He Still Loves Me, Should I Believe Him? post image

Ask a Guy: He Cheated but Says He Still Loves Me, Should I Believe Him?


I was in what I thought was a serious relationship for a year and half with my best friend. He developed a crush on me and after me rejecting him for 6 months we finally started dating. I fell in love fast and hard and he seemed to feel the same way.

However, he cheated on me recently and I’m confused as to why. He apologized and said he loves me no matter what but I’m not sure if I should take him back or if he really means it. He has stopped calling But we have gone on breaks before.

Do u think he really loves me? If so what do u think I should do?

Here’s the thing about relationships: Sometimes we assume that the other person has it all figured out, when they don’t

When someone chooses us… or even pursues us hard… and we fall deeply in love and everything is all flowers and sunshine, it can be easy to assume that they’ve made their choice and they’ve chosen us. Case closed. Done deal.

And to some extent, maybe they did. Maybe they all sure on every level of their being that being with you is the best choice for them and that you’re “the one”.

Or… maybe they’re pretty sure. Or maybe they “thought they were sure, but now… they’re not sure or even doubting their thoughts about you”.

The thing is, you really don’t know.

Moreover, the majority of people (primarily 30 years old or younger) are still figuring themselves and their life out. And as they figure themselves out, they may be having internal conflicts that end up causing problems in your relationship.

And beyond that, it takes two people to be in a relationship. As is the case for him, so might be the case for you. There’s more to you than just the “you” who’s in the relationship. I’m sure you have your own share of internal issues that you deal with that have nothing to do with him, but still affected your relationship.

My point in pointing all of this out is that his reasons for cheating might have had nothing to do with you or your relationship and might have had everything to do with him and something he’s struggling with about himself.

The biggest enemy in relationship is the tendency to take things personally.

He said that he loves you and he probably meant it.

Problem is, if you make him cheating “about you”, then you’ll never really be able to understand why he really cheated (and you’ll never be able to forgive him or move past it). What he felt he needed from it? It would take a lot of strength on his part to be able to truly express what compelled him to cheat and it would take tremendous strength on your part to be able to hear it without taking it personally, blaming or judging him.

Still, if you could manage to talk to each other about it on that level, it’s quite possible that it would take your level to a better and deeper place. Or, you might find that both of you are no longer right for each other, but you would at least be able to dissolve the relationship from a place of understanding and openness (versus most breakups which are characterized by anger, blame, paranoia, etc.)

What I’m talking about here is to talk about it and really, truly give him space to tell you all about it. Giving him that space needs to be absolute though – you have to be willing to hear anything and everything from him and not interrupt, attack or take it personally. He would need to be able to speak his whole experience and feel “heard” by you.

If you can manage to have a talk like that with him, I think you’ll find it to be profoundly relieving for both of you and ultimately will lead to the best outcome possible (which may be breakup or it may be a deepening of the relationship).

If the relationship does go on, then you will need to find how to forgive him for it completely.  It can’t be something that you harbor silent resentment about or use as a “card” to throw during a heated argument.  When you accept and forgive, it needs to be all the way.  You can’t half-forgive someone.

This is a tough situation, but you’ll be OK.  Good luck.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

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jessica

hello , I just found out my bf (ex) been lying and cheating on me ever since the beginning of out relationship.. At first everthing was great , we got along great spent time together , communication was good well I thought it was .. I never seen this coming . At first he was a little jealous, n demanding , but we work it out . I started to notice a change in him when he lost his job, and had to move in back to his parents home. That’s when he got really distant , less Textes , no more calls , always making excuses to spent time with me , even sex was down to 1a week, that’s when my mind started going crazy with thoughts. I knew he really loved this ex gf of 3yrs , but is not like he always talk about her , I only remember like twice he said she cheated on him,and that’s why it’s hard for him to trust again. So i wonder is he with her or trying to get back with her … I would confront him but we just end up arguing. He continue to be distant from me , it got to the point where he just disappear 2weeks , didn’t hear from him to reply back nothing . So i just stop texting him n continue with my life, even tho I was hurting n lost..But I had a gut feeling he had someone else ..
He came back about 2weeks later , I acted like nothing at first , ignoring him n his Textes n calls, but I gave in of course I love him.. He told me I miss u and I’m sorry , Never gave me a answer to why he disappear .. stupid of me kept taking him back , he was good for a while same as how we where at first.. Just now he would only try to see me 1a week , not the weekends, like before .. And I notice he always need a favor from me . which I did for him .. was he just using me ” is what I thought .. was he telling me he loved me n didn’t wanna loss me just to keeps Round ?.. well I found massages on (twitter) of him and his ex ,saying love u , and him saying my girl this and my girl that. He never put me out there like that . it hurt so much 2yrs with him I did for him what I have never done for anyone.. Now that everything came out I confronted him I still didn’t get a answer from him , we just arguing we both said pretty hurtful things .. I’m still hurting and I do still love him , after all I found out he did with her that he never did with me .. ever since the fight haven’t heard from him . and I don’t plan on contacting him .. I feel so lost and hurt .. Is it me ? what am I doing wrong ? second relationship and they both cheated ..

Reply July 6, 2014, 10:07 pm

Bethany

Hi. I recently just found out my boyfriend of five years has cheated on me. Not only did that totally crush me, but this girl he cheated on me
With, they’ve have relations before. I think it hurts most because I feel like they must have some sort of connection and it makes me feel so insecure. Leading up to the cheating was the worse experience I’ve had. We moved out on our own six months ago. He lost his job shortly after and I had to pick up a second job to just stay afloat and pay for both of our bills. He lost both of his parents , his father not even two years ago so he has major depression issues and I now feel like and realize how I was pushing him away at a time when he needed me most becauE I was just resenting him sitting at home all day while I busted my ass. It started off lying to me, and then I found him with pills. He started hanging out with the wrong people and
Doing the wrong things and I feel to blame because all he wanted was
Love from me and I wasn’t giving it to him. I love this man so
Much it hurts my whole body. I just found out two days ago he had sex and was hanging out with another girl. He says he was trying to fill a void but now he’s telling me he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants. I want nothing more then to be with him because even though he cheated, I feel like I’m some what to blame. It has really opened my eyes up to how much I love him and that I’m willing to give my all. But in his mind he feels like it will all go back to how it was and he’s also scared to move on with me and work things out. I need advice. I have been laying in my bed for two days crying and praying my heart out that something will give and he’ll want to be with me again. Do I sound crazy?

Reply May 29, 2014, 10:15 am

Bridget

Ok, so i have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years now andhe has cheated on me4 times and he lied every time he did until i got him to confess. For about 3 months he hasnt cheated on me and is sort of jumpy about everything he does and always asks me if its alright for him to do something as simple as take a nap. I have mixed feelings about how he feels about me though… hes begged and cryed so hard after i threatened to break up with him because i felt so hurt and i was getting depressed and everything, and im not really sure how he feels about me.. i say that its ok that he cheated, its in the past, but even though its not ok i say it is because i hate to hear him cry recently ifound a naked pic of a girl on his phone of her completely ‘bare’ and i havent mentioned it to him yet that i know about it ..could someone give me advise..? Im deeply troubled and depressed abouy this…

Reply January 4, 2014, 2:10 am

kim

Two words. Leave him.

Leave his lying, dirty, shallow, stupid ass. He cheated on you 4 times… that is outrageously unacceptable. You deserve so much more. This guy is just ridiculous. Even if you’re scared to leave him, find the courage to. He’s just draining the life out of you and that’s not what a relationship should be. Also if you’re not sure about how he feels about you. That clearly says something. When you’re in a true loving relationship you should know how your partner feels for you. You’ll feel that he loves and cares for you. If you’re confused and you don’t know he feels for you. Then that shows he doesn’t…
My advice. Leave him. I know It might be hard, but you gotta do whats best for yourself, not him…
and trust me. you’ll definitely find a better guy out there. this guy is not worth your tears, your time, your life.

Reply April 1, 2014, 3:40 am

cj

Seems as though the author of this article, Eric Charles is a cheat himself.

Reply December 16, 2013, 7:26 am

Eric Charles

Where do you get that impression?

Reply December 16, 2013, 7:03 pm

Kate

I think all us ladies should cheat back on our men, see how they like it!!! Already told my boyfriend that because he cheated seven times in our past that I’m allowed to go off and have seven one night stands if I want to and he has to completely accept it. Men need putting in their place. Dirty animals.

Reply December 17, 2013, 4:51 am

Eric Charles

My goodness… someone sounds angry. ;)

Reply December 17, 2013, 12:07 pm

Kate Kaute

Haha…I was having a woman’s “moment”. No man should underestimate the power of a woman. Especially after they’ve hurt her ;)

Reply December 18, 2013, 5:16 am

Raylee

The other day I found out my boyfriend of 6 months had texted and sent pictures to a girl. The next day I found out that he had sex with one of his ex’s. When he told me he was crying harder than I had ever seen anyone cry in my life. He told me he would do anything to make this better. He brought up counseling. I told him I hate him multiple times but he was on his knees in the freezing cold begging me to stay. He told me it wasn’t my fault and he fucked up and promised it would never happen again. I am more broken than ever but I decided not to leave him because I love him with everything I am. I truly believe he is sincere because before he even told me he went to his friends just as upset as he was when he told me crying to his friend who had done the same to his girlfriend a few years ago. His friend told him that he was crying because he loves me. I feel compelled to help him become a better person because I know in my heart that he does love me though there’s no excuse for cheating. The way I see it he wouldn’t have clenched onto me and begged for me to stay if he didn’t care.

Reply November 23, 2013, 6:40 pm

Kate

I’m sorry but I have to say that is really bad advice. Why should the person who is cheated on do all the work to make things better? It’s bull. I’ve been cheated on multiple times and why the hell should I do all the work to make things better? The one who did it should if they so desperately want you back.

Reply August 28, 2013, 8:40 am

Kate

It’s been two months since I wrote that and I must say, it’s getting worse and worse each day. I’m very depressed and want out of my damaged five year relationship. My boyfriend hasn’t cheated in over a year and a half but I still can’t forgive, I feel deep hate for him. I’ve told him this and said i was not responsible for his actions, he lost me each time he did it and that was the decision he made..final. He chose those women over me. If it were the once I could possibly move on and forgive but not this. He WON’T let me go. I’m trapped, he tries to be affectionate and it makes me sick. I’ve told him I don’t want him anymore but he won’t leave me alone. Unfortunately I can’t physically move away from this man as he is the father of my son. Argh…I hate men…Best thing to get over a cheater is to HATE them. Remind yourself constantly of what they did, to every detail and trust me you won’t want them anymore.

Reply December 17, 2013, 4:45 am

Eric Charles

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~ Buddha #quotes

Reply December 17, 2013, 12:08 pm

Kate Kaute

Very true, thank you

Reply December 18, 2013, 5:17 am

Emma

I’ve been with my fiance 6 years and 15 weeks ago I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl. Our relationship was what I can only describe as perfect. We were happy and so in love although that’s what I thought. 2 weeks ago I found out he had joined a swinging site and started chatting to 2 women one of which lives down the road from us, he went to her house twice, once 7 weeks ago for sex and then again 3 weeks ago for a wank. All while he should of been at work.
After finding out I confronted him, he said there was no one else and I was imagining it, he even Swore on our daughters life that he had never heard of this woman although I had seen their texts earlier that night. He continued to lie all the way through so o text them both pretending to be him on his work number, that’s when she dropped him in it about having sex, in the end he came clean and continues to say he don’t no why he cheated and why he went back the second time as I am everything he’s always wanted and he loves me more than ever.
What I find so hard is I really thought we were happy plus he has his new baby that he sees every day and it didn’t stop him from risking everything for sex. He had been texting and ringing this women since I was 8 months pregnant, he’d come home and hold my tummy to feel our daughter kick but the whole time he was texting, ringing and then meeting this woman. He says I’ve done nothing to cause him to cheat bit I just don’t no what to believe.
Does he love me and will he do it again? Plus how can I ever trust and believe him again…….
Any advice will be greatly received.
Thank you

Reply August 20, 2013, 3:10 pm

pink24

Oh my gosh you poor thing. I can’t believe this happened to you. I do hope the writers of the site give you some much needed advice. Although I’ve had my own share of relationship issues, none of them even come close to what you must be feeling–a child, newborn at that, is definitely a game-changer. Having said that, one thing I do know to be true in my thirty-five years of living is that trust is a very difficult thing to regain once it’s broken. I do believe people make mistakes, and they should be given second chances, if they deserve them. Deserve is the key word. From what you’ve written though, it doesn’t sound like he made one mistake. He made a thousand mistakes that turned into a behavior with a little bit of almost cruelty. It’s sad. And I’m so sorry for you.

I do want you to know that not all guys are like that. Sounds cliche, but it’s true. There are many good people out there looking for someone to be good to.

Good luck to you and I hope you make the right decision for you and your baby. I can tell you that my parents have been married for over forty years, and it’s because of watching their honest relationship all these years that I have my wits about me in this crazy world. Give the same to your child! And most importantly to yourself!

Take care

Reply August 20, 2013, 3:55 pm

Damaris

My story may surprise a lot of you. I am 20 years old and I got married at 18. Right away from that I’m sure many will say it was a mistake and if I woulda known all this was going to happened I would of definitely waited. I been with my husband for about 3 years now and I recently found out he cheated on me with multiple women at the beginning of our marriage. Judging from the advice I just read I am sure he didn’t really know what he wanted and just wanted to make sure he had a “for sure” thing. Many may call me stupid for remaining to be in my marriage and continue to work it out. But as stupid as it may sound I truly believe he is not that type of person to do that. I am still destroyed about everything that has happened and I can’t lie I do think about what they did even when I know he’s trying to make things better. He confessed everything he did to me and has so far done everything in his power to give me that sense of security back into our relationship. I allowed him to vent to me and tell me everything with me remaining to be in a somewhat calm matter, I could have easily walked away and left everything I have ever well what we have ever worked for in this marriage. It’s still early in our marriage for me to say that he will continue to do what he did. But my insight now is to swallow my pride and see where my heart takes me. I can’t tell you I am completely happy because I am still progressing and my wounds are still fresh. But I have faith that this marriage will work as long as he continues to be the way he is now. I will say that as soon as I don’t feel that comfort and security that is when I will walk away. I have no problem being alone nor have any self of steem issues. My only problem right now is that I’m broken and slowly healing. People need to remember that good people make mistakes no matter how bad they are. My husband had a problem of what he really wanted and me being his wife/best friend helped him realize what is worth fighting or throwing away. We love each other and in the end that’s all you really need to move forward. I will do everything in my power to make this marriage work as long as he puts in the same effort. I may be still very young but as impossible as it sounds I know what I want and I know what I deserve.

Reply July 17, 2013, 5:24 pm

Kirsten

Hi,

I have just found out that my long-term boyfriend has cheated on me. We are both twenty-one and in college (same one). He first did it this past January and three times this summer when I was across the state. He had sex twice in these four instances.

He finally confessed. I am in the initial shock phase. I want to say I hate him. And I do partially, for what he did to me. I am deeply hurt, but I still love and care for him. He was (is?) my best friend. I am asking for space. I am unsure how to continue, but reading your comment and this article has helped. Like you, I will be okay if I am on my own. I just have so many conflicting emotions, I am unsure how to carry on. And there is a fear of being judged for staying with him because I know the backlash that that specific decision would receive.

I am hoping space and time will give me enough self-control to talk to him to find out why this happened and then what to do.

Reply August 17, 2013, 12:57 pm

mary

i been married for 5 years,recently i found out that my husband been cheating on me,he still denies it and tells me that he loves and have a future with me,im just do not understand why he lies to me and wants to stay with me,please help thanks…

Reply October 25, 2012, 1:32 pm

Jessica

This is the exact same thing I am going through and we have been together for 5 years also. I know deep down that he recently cheated on me but I try not to freak out about it although it hurts so much just to think about it. He tells me that he loves me and that I am the woman he wants to be with for the rest of his life but I feel really hurt just thinking about this other girl. I know this other girl was just a fling for the moment but I still can’t believe he would do this to me. I don’t want us to break up but I feel like he isn’t sure what he wants anymore. Please help!! I’m going insane!

Reply November 6, 2012, 3:30 pm

pink24

Hi Jessica, I’ve been there. All I have to say is–there are guys out there who don’t cheat. I swear, there are. But they have other issues–like mild ocd, people pleasing, choosing his friends over you all the time–just to name a few. If you can deal with any of those, then I say get rid of his ass. It’s not worth thinking about how he feels, or why he lied to you, or whatever. You’ll never really know. The only thing you do know, the one thing you will ever know for sure, is how YOU feel. It’s all about you. What can you deal with? A guy who makes out with other girls? Or a guy who may be a little ocd? Make a choice. Trust your gut. Because if you feel he’s unsure about you, chances are, he is. And who wants that? Five years is tough to walk away from, but it’s way better than ten. Good luck :)

Reply November 6, 2012, 6:48 pm

Kim

Great advice, I like that!

Reply November 10, 2013, 10:50 am

Ahl

i been dating this guy for a year and a half now..i love him!but it seems,throughout our relationship,there’s always been another girl!and i alwys broke up with him when i found out..and he’d let me,then continue with the other girl,and make her the girlfriend..but after a month or mayb weeks,he starts texting me,telling me how much he loves me!and we end up getin back togetha,until he cheats again!now we’ve broken up,and he’s started texting again!i love him and he says he loves me,but i dont want to go back and be cheated again!!does this guy even love me..could it ever work between us or we always going to keep going back and forth…and we have talked about it,he tried to change,but it did not last..he ended up cheating again!is this even a relationship or he’s just playing with my feelings?

Reply October 2, 2012, 4:20 pm

marry

same thing is with my life but my husband, told me this before marriage and i said ok.
now he meats new girls but he still keeps every girls as his girl friend. he has only lost those girls who are moved to different city.
every week he goes to any of his girlfriend, and also tells me that today he went to his first girlfriend to give her sexual pleasure.
but he still loves me from his heart, and so do i .

Reply November 2, 2012, 6:04 pm

Wonkawonkawoe

I’m sorry, but this is not helpful. I’m going through a period of intense drama with a long-term boyfriend I just realized was cheating on me and it’s very zen to be able to draw back from the situation and “not take it personally” but are you serious? How do you NOT take it personally when some asshat cheated on you and then lied to you about it for months to keep you in his life? How do you make peace with that kind of disrespect??

Reply September 19, 2012, 4:15 am

Eric Charles

First, sorry to hear that happened to you. That really sucks.
.
Here’s the thing… I completely understand how angry and hurt you probably feel right now. There’s nothing worst than being betrayed by someone like that.
.
So if that just happened, I expect you and 99.999% of people on Earth would be extremely angry and upset for a while.
.
Fair enough. But how long is long enough to be pissed off? A week? A month? A year? A decade? The rest of your life?
.
It’s understandable to feel what you’re feeling right now. In the long run, there comes a point where you have to ask yourself if you want to keep feeding on the pain or do you want to let it go.
.
Doesn’t mean that you condone his actions. Doesn’t mean you think he’s a good person.
.
When do you want to let go of the pain for yourself and take your life and happiness back? When do you want to stop letting his actions be the architect of your life, your mood and your view of relationships? When are you going to be willing to spit out the poison?
.
If this is fresh and still intense, then just move through the emotions. And when you’re ready to let it go, know that it’s as simple as stopping yourself from feeding into it.
.
That means you: Stop dramatizing the memory. Stop talking about it. Stop thinking about it. Stop revisiting it in your head.
.
Emotions have a momentum and magnetism to them. And if you feed into negative feelings for long enough, the negativity becomes a habit, which becomes a worldview, which drags your mood and attractiveness *down*…
.
Do you really want to let this “asshat” be the architect of making your life bitter, angry and repelling to others? I doubt it.
.
Give yourself some time and then come back to what I said here. For now, if you were my friend in real life I would take you out, get you a drink and let you vent as much as you needed. It’s fresh and it’s OK to feel what you’re feeling as long as it’s in the interest of moving you through the emotions and getting you past it… not coloring your worldview forever.
.
Good luck.

Reply September 19, 2012, 3:28 pm

Kristine

Thank you. That was the best advice I have heard so far.

Reply March 1, 2013, 8:47 am

Terri

I found out my man of 3 years was cheating by the Find your Phone app. He was out and I was at home bored and we both have the same phones and I thought for giggles I would find him on the Find your Phone app and send him a message that says “I found you” Well I got more than I bargained with when I saw that he was driving in a place where he shouldn’t have been and I watched him and I saw he was in a place for a while that I didn’t know. But I knew there was a hotel in that area, so I looked up the number for the hotel and called it. I asked for him and they put me through to his room. I just said hi, then, I can’t friggin believe you. He came home and told me nothing had happend “yet” which I believe because I called not long after he got there. He came home, very mad at me for “checking up on him” and I knew who he was with. We had a big fight and the next day, I could not go to work and slept all day in my work clothes in my bed, just curled up. He came home that night and said that he was very sorry and that it was all his fault and he owns it. I sent him a letter the next day telling him how much he hurt me and that I couldn’t believe he would do this to me, but because I was so much in love with him, I needed to forgive him and just get over this. For the next week, he told me how sorry he was. I needed to get passed this and I needed it to go away. It has now been 4 months and we are in a very good place. He knows what he did, he knows he hurt me and I know it won’t happen again. We don’t speak of it and I don’t bring it up. If you are going to forgive, you need to let it go and just move on. If he did it again, I would be gone. If you can’t forgive or let it go then you need to move on because it will just eat away at you.

Reply June 3, 2013, 11:25 am

kia

Thanks.. this was awesome advice. I choose to move forward let go of the pain.

Reply July 17, 2013, 12:11 pm

Terri

I am glad to hear you choose to move forward and let go of the pain. It is an awful thing to hold on to. My man and I are still together and in a very good place right now in our relationship. I will never hold it over his head or bring it up if we are fighting. The best thing to do if you truly love someone is forgiveness. Now I am not saying that you should always forgive, absolutely not. If he keeps doing thing then you have to decide that this is probably not the best scenario and it would be time to say goodbye. But for the first indescretion, if you are truly in love with this man then forgiveness should come easily. Let it go and move forward. I wish you all the best and hope that you can let it go and it works out for you.

Reply July 17, 2013, 1:17 pm

Thao

Great advice
Just what I needed to hear !
It helps to hear from a males perspective

Reply June 1, 2014, 8:05 pm

Lona

My boyfriend is cheating on me theres some1 I think its a girl cuz I saw msg from the same num on his phone she said” baby where r u baby can I call u now ” after that I told my boyfriend he told not for me I love u so much Nd I won’t leave u for another girl after that I told him give ur phone he became nervous Nd angry he didn’t let me see his phone after a week he saved the number he put his friend name ‘guy’ Nd I know the that this guy not her he moved to another city Nd he never answer in front of me I asked him why he told me cuz I Dnt want to see him Nd he hate him !!!!! when I ask him he become angry ‘ why u don’t want to trust me I love u I’ll never love some1 Ill never talk to another girl I can’t live with out u !!! I don’t know Wt can I doo plZ help me I love him a adore him Nd I can’t b without him Noo way I want a solution plZ helpppp asap

Reply September 12, 2012, 4:23 pm

sam

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years we have a 3 month old baby .. when i was pregnant he cheated n i took him back n after my daughter was born he startd seeing someone new n i found out cause she text him… hes extremly jelious im only alowwed to go out when hes with me and hes always asking if i cheated on him when he knows i dont. i have seen many messages he sent to other woman but he just gets mad n leaves if i bring it up…what do i do?

Reply August 14, 2012, 1:06 pm

charlotte

right when me and my boyfriend of 9 months started seeing eachother i was seeing another guy at the same time before hand and still carried on texting him after my current boyfriend asked me out. however i stopped everything with this other guy and my boyfriend knows about it and we were fine for a few months untill i had some girl tell me she was carrying his baby i confronted him an he said it was all lies but since then iv found multiple flirty texts on his phone asking to meet with different girls and all that rubbish and this really hurts to see this and every time i find something he says hell stop because he just wants me and loves me. but i lost my dad recently too and he was really supportive throughout the times when i couldnt stop crying and when i needed him he didnt leave my side. however i know he was still flirting and possibly meeting up with other girls when i was going through this hard time. im still with him but will he ever change? its been 9 months yhh i know its not long but its the longest ivever been with a guy and im still finding messages.i really want this to work with him and all i ever think about is my future with him i just dont know how much more i can take. i dont know if he really loves me? i dont know if he really wants to be with me?? lately i just feel like someone whos there for when these other girls arent texting him… help me please!!

Reply July 19, 2012, 4:57 am

lase

hey ya all

Reply July 4, 2012, 9:03 pm

asha

heya i have two children to my ex we split 7 months ago as he cheated on me with a random when our second child was 2weeks i stayed for ten months and i resented him the hole time. i have been doing it olone for 7 months now but considering taking him back by seeing a councilor, then see what happends but i am very nervous. we had been together for five years. i am very unsure about what to do he also cheated with two pros before the second baby was born . not all the way but still… im wondering if i will ever b happy or wondering if i should take him back as he says he has made a huge mistake and every week he isnt giving up on asking for e back. im very uncertain i dont want to screw my kids or hurt again.

Reply July 1, 2012, 5:48 am

Kylie

Hi I’m also not sure what to do I have been with my husband for 17 years I recently found out by a friend that he cheated on me 14 years ago with a random girl he met in a club he and every one around him is telling me it was the only time but it was on the same day I gave birth to our daughter he went out to celebrate haha what a fuk joke. I think if it was happened on a different day I could forgive him I can’t seem to get past the fact that we cried together in the afternoon then the same night he slept with someone else I have kicked him out but miss him and am hurting so bad he has been a good husband never drinks dont never goes out prefers to be home but at the same time I hate him sooo much
What to do

Reply September 17, 2013, 11:33 am

Ailaten

I made the hard decision of ending a relationship with someone I had been with for nearly ten years. Fact of the matter, he neglected me, spent more time with his friends, was very standoffish emotionally, did not include me in his life, and to ice the cake …..cheated on me with random females and even an ex. AND YES I was with him for nearly a decade. To his credit, he helped me in raising my two children and loved them as his own. He did support my career-goals and education. Although, even in his position as father-figure still didn’t put forth much effort aside from financial, and just being “around”. They love him as a father and he loves them, nonetheless. I was unhappy for the majority of relationship. I voiced my concerns to no avail, I yelled them, I cried them, I wrote them, I shouted them, I threatened to leave because of them, and I even took a holistic approach and tried to live with them (and see if they would work themselves out). I was waiting on a marriage proposal I thought I deserved and was entitled to. I got it on the back end of paternity test. I knew that was the last straw for me. That level of disrespect was too much for my integrity to bear. I was offered a promotion with my job out of state and I took it. And although the relationship was not fulfilling, disappointing, and lonely….I still doubted my decision. I cried for weeks, months, and thought I would never understand what I DID WRONG. I blamed myself, I blamed him….I hated him for taking nearly ten good, faithful years from me. I became needy in my desperation and used every opportunity to call and lash out at him. Every conversation ended in my tears, his guilt, his frustration, and his lackluster apologies. He was exhausted with me and so was I. Then, I stopped crying and started living. It has been a slow process but I discovered that I was still that vibrant person that led me to him. That there were some funny wonderful times with him but not enough to warrant my tears. I was still beautiful, desirable, and there was a whole world out there that I had not been living because I was too busy trying to live through him. I slowly gained my worth back and there is no turning back for me. I didn’t deserve the hurt he put me through and he knows that. The life that he wants and the one I want are different. It doesn’t make him bad – it just means he is bad for me. We are friends for our children and we remain cordial. But I do not sit around and wait for his texts or calls. I don’t look into why he didn’t call for three days (because I didn’t call him either). I admit that it does pull at my heart to think that he could be seeing someone or lots of someone elses ….so can I. Eventually, I will find a love worthy of return. I am not hell-bent on looking for one. I am living again and it feels so good. Of course I miss him and love him but that is where it ends. I do not want to go back to that life but I am not excluding ever knowing him on that level again – just not anytime soon. I am working on forgiveness and it is a battle. For once, in ten years I have made my life about me. Discovering again what makes me happy and living a life where I make all of the rules. I am human and there are times in a lonely moment I want to hear his voice…..then I remember, “its just because you’re bored”. That is no reason to go down that road. I am looking forward to this new journey and happy positibilities. That was the end of that relationship but not the end of me.

Reply June 28, 2012, 3:53 pm

asha

i think u might have helped me man men can be scummy at what they do to hurt others. its very lonly i have two little ones.. this is what im thinking am i better off with the decision that i made. well done to you tho u sound like u r doing the best thing for u its a very uncertain time to many ups and downs

Reply July 1, 2012, 5:52 am

mia

alright, well i have this ex of mine, when we dated for 5 months i was absolutely in love with him, one night my friend was sleeping over and he went to the liveing room for a “glass of water” she was sleeping on the couch in the liveing room. after a couple minits he walked into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. my ex friend came in and told me they made out. me and him fought and later that day i found out about them takeing pictures….and 20 other girls. we broke up even though i was willing to give him another chance, he kept comming back to me even though he had girlfriends, at the time i didnt know he had girlfriends.
anyways, its been 2 years and we just started talking the starting of 2012. recently he told me he loved me, i told him i couldnt date him because i was afraid he would hurt me again.
he ignored me, then when i tried to talk to him today about fixing our friendship we got in a fight , i tried to find out why he wanted to throw our friendship away, then he told me that i should go kill myself and my ex commited sucide because he couldnt stand me…i dont know if he was lieing about loveing me, or if i hurt him by rejecting him. our friendship is over but i just want to know what went wrong.

Reply April 26, 2012, 9:57 pm

MONICA

My boyfriend cheated on me , I took him back and he did it again. I am pregnant with our second child now but I slept with someone else while I am pregnant. Was I wrong even though we were not together and he was with someone else and still trying to sleep with me at the same time? I am really beating myself up about it. He said I broke his heart.

Reply March 23, 2012, 8:34 pm

Eric Charles

He cheated on you. You cheated on him.
.
Sounds even to me… if you want to beat yourself up for it, go for it. But there’s nothing unfair about what you did… you’re both equally unfaithful to the promises you’ve made to one another. If it’s equal, no reason to feel bad about it.
.
But… if you want the relationship to continue, you’re going to need to have a *realistic* talk about what you can expect from one another instead of making promises to one another that end up being broken.
.
I don’t judge either of you for it or think you’re bad people or anything. This kind of thing happens. But it’s a clear sign you both need to do some self-assessment and soul-searching so you can break out of the cycle of hurting one another.

Reply March 23, 2012, 8:46 pm

MONICA

Thank u for u comments. I know that I have to find myself because I am so lost right now.

Reply March 23, 2012, 8:54 pm

Courtney

Theres this boy who I used to be friends with in elementry school and we never talked through middle school and now were in high school and he and I have 4 classes together and we talk to each other sometimes at school but we ride the bus together and we talk and yesterday we were talking and he came and sat by me and was kinda quiet for a little bit then he asked me for my number. I’ve liked him for a while but I didn’t think he noticed me? We talk all the time and he asked for a picture of me and likes to use smiley faces. Today I didn’t ride the bus and he texted me wondering where I was. We joke around all the time. But he sometimes he takes a long time to text back then acts like he doesn’t really want to be talking to me and acting like he wished he hadn’t given me his number but he always texts me first. Does he like me?

Reply October 26, 2011, 4:07 pm

Ceris

I think the question here is not whether he loves you, but whether or not you believe or can believe he does.

Many people have been in a relationship or marriage where their partner has cheated and have been able to move on and forgive. My dad cheated on my mum when I was very young but they have now been married nearly 30 years and are very happy. In the same instance my best friends boyfriend cheated and they tried to move on but it made her crazy and she ended up driving him insane to the point he couldn’t take it any longer.

You have to decide if you are strong enough to get through this and, as Eric points out, this means nit bringing it up during every fight. You also have to consider if you can handle being in a relationship that has been ‘tainted’ with bad feeling, hurt and possibly regret. Once a relationship has been through something like this it can be very hard for it to continue happily and successfully.

If you will always feel insecure when he is out with friends or away with work then you have to consider if this is worth continuing. You don’t want to be the crazy girlfriend who is always on the phone because you don’t know what he is up to.

Eric is right, you do need to talk this through but you also have a lot of thinking to do. The question should be ‘are you strong enough’ to forgive and forget completely.

I really feel for you and I hope it all goes well!

Reply October 15, 2011, 6:24 am

Lawrence

i’v nt been in a relationship b4 cos i’m afraid of hearthbreak,bt recently i found myself inluv wit a guy.almost my age,bt it pains me much cos he never cals me,bt i dn’t tink i can leave him,cos i always tink of him,we jst met in a play ground jst like dat, i jst luvd him, d way he talks, moves, he’s actions.infact every tin about him is okey g me bt i dn’t tink he even like me, pls jst help me out

Reply October 5, 2011, 10:05 am

tattor

So me and my boyfrined have been going out for almost 2 years now i just found out that he cheated on me like 3 weeks ago and he told me that after he cheated on me that he knows im the one and he loves me. I never once thought he would cheat on me he has never cheated on anyone besides me thats how he was brought up. But i do love him with all my heart and want to be with him for the rest of my life but every day thats all i think about and it kills me inside i don’t even want to have sex with him right now cause it hurts to much. Please help i really do need it thanks

Reply September 28, 2011, 8:33 pm

Shysister

Very interesting perspective Eric. Thanks for sharing. I never thought it like that. I’ve always believe that either you love me or you didn’t.

Reply September 24, 2011, 12:45 am

Elizabeth

okay, dont even know where to start…i was seeing this married man who was about 10 yrs older for 6yrs and i will be honest as bad as that sounds, but we bothe know we are absolutely perfect for each other….anyway i got tired of waiting for him to, as he called it leave his wife and be with me so i i broke it off. Few months later i met this younger guy and after he bickered and persuaded me to date him cos he like me so much, i yielded…and now we’re dating. Initialy it was exciting and all cos ie nt dated someone around my age in almost like never….anyway now i onder if all the “I love yous” and i will love u forevers are real, i dont trust him enough yet to believe that he can be there for me the way the other was. Dont get me wrong this guy is fantastic but i just fe he doesnt get and he has probably been used to dating not so smart and plain girls so he does certain things thatare cose to unbelievable sometimes, other thing is that ive never had to eal with a guy that is boarderline slub , ive always beeen used to men that cherish cleanliness and uphold that. Well i guess after talking to him a few times about it he seems to be changing a little bit. Thing now is that i tend to want to avoid him sometimes cos we might just have an arguement as usual but he still always wants to be with me and spend time. and worse still is that i still have strong feelings for the other guy( the married one). what i feel for him seems like it can never ed but another part of me says i have to let go and move on with my life. te new younger guy really seems to like me but i just dont trust his love. PLEASE I NEED ADVISE cos right now i cant even think straight.

Reply August 11, 2011, 7:51 am

nikki

I have a similar problem as well! all these comments and the advice given is really helping but at the same time idk if it applies to what im going through exactly. My ex boyfriend and I broke up earlier in the year. We started dating last october and fell for eachother very quickly and became so close but both had insecurity and jealousy problems because we were scared of losing one another. In the beginning we didnt have good communication skills and when we broke up my ex bf just wanted to go on a break at first because he needed some time to think about things. I freaked out and didnt give him his space therefore pushed him furthur away. He never went out on me when we broke up and was with other girls he was just hoping I would change and not bring so much drama to the relationship. He ignored me for 5 weeks and during that time I freaked out and lost all self control. I kissed 2 of his friends and that really pushed him furthur away, over time he forgave me and this whole past month we have been hanging out non-stop and its been so great. I have felt as if our bond was stronger then ever. We were officially dating because he said that he still couldnt trust me and didnt fully believe I was telling him the truth about all I did when we were broken up and he was right. I always denied that I did more but lately being around him its been hurting me because I just want to be honest with him if we are going forward. On monday night he called me and we were talking and he finally asked me to be completely honest with what I did when we broke up and he said he knows I did more. He was pleading me for the truth and because I love him I could no longer hold it in and continue to lie. I told him how I did sleep with 2 guys during the 6 months that we were broken up and at first he said that he is really proud of me that I could admit the truth and he said that he respects me more and that takes a lot of courage for someone to admit something like that. but a few minutes after it began to sink in he seemed to get choked up almost as if he wanted to cry and said he had to go and then slowly got off the phone, I havent heard from him since and he has not responded to my phone calls or texts. Even though I went out and tried experiencing things with different guys in the end I know that no matter who walks into my life I love this guy more then anything in the world. I would do anything for him, and I realzied that he brings me unconditional love and happiness. Ive gotten a lot of opinions on what I should do and everyone keeps telling me to give him space and that he is just hurt. I am scared to lose him but at the same time I feel he would have responded to tell me we are thru if that was the case. Any Suggestions ?!!

Thank You.

Reply August 3, 2011, 11:35 am

lisa

ok i am having a little problem that is seriously bringing me down, and i have no idea what to do… I have been talking to a guy for the past 3 or 4 month. I am ready to take it to the next step and make it official. I stayed at his house a few times, he met my parents, I met his daughter. The thing is he told me that he could see me moving in, and that he needs somebody in his life to get things straight. But in the last few days he hasnt really talked to me because he is busy, well he told me he was going to be off for the next 3 days. He tells me he misses me and wants to see me, but i always have to come to his house. He wants to go on vacation with me, but he we never even went out to eat or something. I asked him what we are, if we are just friends with benefits or something like that. He said “babe i hope we are more than that”, but i feel like im doing all the work in this relationship and i dont even know what we are. I am scared that i will fall for him and he just drops me. I have been single for the past 4 years, always get dropped by guys. But then when im at work people are like how are you still single. I dont know what I am doing wrong. There is so much doing through my mind.. I don’t know what to think anymore, and its really depressing because i am ready for a relationship. I have been single for to long. please somebody help me

Reply July 29, 2011, 12:52 pm

Nedda

Hi Lisa,

I just came across your post and I wanted to reply. I don’t know what your situation is now, if you’re still seeing the guy that you mentioned above, but I wanted to let you know that I’ve been in your situation, in the sense that I’ve put the burden of defining relationship on the guy, instead of myself. I think if you feel as though you’ve been dropped by guys, any relationship is going to be difficult, and you’ll probably run into the problem you’ve described over and over again. What has worked for me, which I think may work for you, is if you KNOW WHAT YOU WANT from the get go, WHAT YOU WILL STAND FOR AND WHAT YOU WON’t and COMMUNICATE that to the guy. Whoever he is. I think that often times we allow men to determine our value and self worth, when we should be doing that ourselves. No one, no matter how great he is, will value you until you value yourself. That’s been a difficult lesson for me to learn, but one of the most valuable. Good luck and I hope everything works out!!

Reply August 25, 2011, 10:40 am

lauren

me and my boyfriend have been in a bad relstionship in the past because he cheated on me 3 times and every time he would ast me if i want to go out with him he would say i know that i have cheated on you in the past but lets put that behind us what should i do!

Reply July 25, 2011, 11:18 pm

sparky

I was married 28 yrs and allowed my husband to have sex with another girl and i have never forgotten it. It hurts everytime i think of it but I do know she meant nothing to him. I don’t throw it in his face but i do think of it. still married 10 yrs after it happened but, he does love me and would never do it again he says and i do believe him!!

Reply July 22, 2011, 8:41 pm

Jennifer

Excellent points made. Too often I find myself approaching relationships as either/or: either he totally is in love with me or he hates me. Either he was 100% faithful or he was a total jerk. The reality is that nothing is black and white, especially relationships.

I really enjoy reading each Ask a Guy post on this blog. Thanks for sharing your advice!

Reply July 21, 2011, 12:20 am

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