A popular question we get for our famous ‘Ask a Guy’ section is: “Why won’t he call me his girlfriend?” I am not surprised at all, this situation is the worst! I’ve been there, my friends have been there, and it’s so frustrating and makes zero sense. I mean, you’re with this guy, you’re spending a lot of time together, you are in a relationship in every single way except for the fact that you’re not technically in a relationship.
Eric does a great job explaining what might be going on in your guy’s mind but I have some insights that, although from a female perspective, will be of great value as well. A few years ago I had my heart absolutely broken. The experience caused me to completely shut down emotionally. I was aloof, I was hard to read, I didn’t get too close, I was present but never available, essentially, I was a guy (in the psychological sense anyway!).
My ‘guy’ behavior caused the actual guys was seeing to take on the ‘girl role’ and they were always way more into it than I was (this was also due to my aforementioned heartbreak which rendered me numb). My relationships at that point would go something like this: we would meet, there would be a spark, we’d hang out a few times, after a few weeks I would freak out and feel trapped and suffocated, I would then lose all interest in the relationship and would do whatever I could to sabotage it. I felt guilty but also kind of alarmed at my inability to feel anything. Eventually, I softened and started to warm up to the possibility of being in a relationship. This was when I met D.
He was really cute, really sweet, had a good job, and seemed pretty much perfect for me. I liked him a lot at first, well a lot in relation to how much I was capable of liking anyone at that point which wasn’t really that much. I knew he liked me a whole lot more than I liked him, but feeling terrified by the possibility that my heart had turned to stone and that I may never be able to love again, I stayed with it, hoping that the deep feelings he felt for me would eventually be reciprocated on my end.
We had been seeing each other for a little over a month when I sensed that my grace period was over. It was time to have ‘the talk.’ He brought up the subject casually at first, wondering if he could start introducing me as his girlfriend. I fidgeted and gave him some story about how I didn’t like to use labels and the topic was dropped. However, it didn’t stay dropped for long and soon it was ALL we would talk about. D would pester and push asking, in every way he could, why I so adamantly refused to be his girlfriend. He made some very valid points- we saw each other multiple times a week, we talked every day, we liked each other, we had met each others parents, so what exactly was my problem?
I fed him the usual crap, the sort that had been fed to me by guys so many times before: ‘I like things how they are, why mess with everything?’ ‘It’s too soon,’ ‘I don’t like labels,’ ‘I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship,’ blah blah blah. At the time, I truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly believed the things I was saying and, to some extent, they were true. I did like him and I did want to keep seeing him but the prospect of making it official just didn’t feel right at that point in the relationship and I desperately wished he would just drop the issue and let things happen rather than forcing them to.
The more he pestered me, the more turned off I got and the more I resisted allowing him to brand me with a dreaded label. I wasn’t so much flattered by his eagerness as I was concerned by his desperation. I mean, why did this guy want a girlfriend so badly? Was he bad with women? Is he so insecure that he needs a label?
I did like D from the beginning, and I may have grown to really like him if he had given me the chance rather than trying to force me into feeling how he wanted me to feel when he wanted me to feel it. Him giving me all the power in the relationship was also very unsettling. I mean yeah it was nice, but where is the fun and excitement in having someone at your mercy? I knew that I controlled everything and it was really hard to be attracted to a guy that would let that happen. I’m not saying I wanted him to play mind games, but a little restraint and confidence would have gone a long way.
While all this was happening, I couldn’t help but think back to previous relationships where I acted exactly like D. It made me cringe thinking back to how confused and desparate I felt and how I would badger the guy in hopes of getting what I wanted.
So what is it about the title? Well for me, being an official couple meant that someday we’d have to have an official breakup and I just didn’t want to open the door for anything heavy or emotional to enter my life when I was still in a pretty fragile state. I guess by not being his girlfriend, I was pre-emptively avoiding all the messiness a breakup involves. Also, not being an official couple just made me feel safe, like there was still a distance between us that would prevent him from getting too close. I was terrified to let my guard down, who knew what kind of feelings and emotions would take hold if I did? What if he made me really like him and then broke my heart (which actually happened to me in high-school and definitely had an impact). The horror!
I eventually relented and became his girlfriend. Not surprisingly, the relationship soon fell apart. It just wasn’t the right time and rather than letting things happen organically, D was hell bent on forcing them along on his designated path. I felt very uncomfortable and resentful, not to mention furious with myself for caving in which I couldn’t undo, and it just got very ugly from there.
The reason I felt compelled to share this experience is I think it may help to see things from the other side. When a guy won’t call you his girlfriend it doesn’t always mean he doesn’t like you or that he never will. Oftentimes, it may mean that he isn’t ready to commit in that way at that moment. One thing I’ve noticed is that guys don’t bounce back from breakups as easily as us gals do. They can’t just dive right into the next relationship which is why, I’m sure you’ll notice, the guys that won’t call you their girlfriends are usually still licking their wounds from a previous breakup. It is a really frustrating situation to be in but remember, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or that you’re not good enough in some way. In most cases, it really isn’t you at all. If someone doesn’t want to commit, they’re obviously the one with the issues (I know I certainly was). In this situation, it is more than okay to adopt this adage: “It’s not me, it’s you.”
Are you with a guy who won’t call you his girlfriend? Have you been the ‘guy’ in a relationship? Do you have any additional thoughts to add? Well please share in the comments section!
- SABRINA ALEXIS
Related posts:Ask a Guy: When a Guy Won’t Call You His Girlfriend
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Ask A Guy: Is He ‘Just Not That Into Me?’
Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws…
Ask a Guy: When a Guy Won’t Commit on Facebook
Ask A Guy: When He Suddenly Gets ‘Turned Off’
Ask a Guy: Why Men Say They Will Call… and Don’t
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Nice job Sabrina!! A+. Bravo. Absolutely love this. It’s refreshing to see that you’ve actually been in a guy’s shoes when it comes to this usually relationship making or breaking conversation…. I’ve been that guy… and am that guy right now and you definitely hit some reasons right on the head as to why I am the way I am .
Yeah, I have been dating a guy f02 two years off and on. Well we dated for a year, stopped for 6 months while we decided to explore dating others. and then started dating again and still are now. but only recently have we begun fooling around again. at his innitiation. no sex, but we go as far as oral sex.
he says that i want a relationship and he just cant offer me that right now. that he doesnt want a relationship with ANYONE. that he is 26 and far too confused with life right now. he doesnt have a stable job, is considering where geographically he wants to end up, has started a new degree recently, and i think he’s a little bit frustrated with life in general right now.
but he tells me he is not dating others or fooling around with others, i am the only one and he doesn’t even want to see or fool around with others.
Will he ever comitt?
That really was an excellent take… it’s so annoying to keep reading the same shit over and over again. I’ve had a lot of back and forth issues with that with my current boyfriend (we’re the on again off again type) and it just kept getting more and more frustrating. I hate being “that girl”, the one who pushes for a title. I don’t care what Facebook says, I just care what’s in his heart. But then the “that girl” inside says “but what if he doesn’t want people to know we’re together because he’s messing around with someone else?” The fact of the matter is, there has to be trust or there just isn’t. I do trust him, and I know that because we’ve been so on and off, and because I have hurt him in the past, he is still healing from all of that, and may be feeling just the way Sabrina was feeling when she didn’t want D to use the word “girlfriend”. It’s good to step back and realize pushing someone isn’t the answer. Great piece.
Becca-
I am so glad the post was able to help you. I was totally ‘that girl’ time and time again and it wasn’t until I was on the other end of it that I fully understood that the title had absolutely nothing to do with me. I was never ashamed of D and it wasn’t that I wanted to go around dating other people, I just wasn’t ready to handle the implications of being ‘official.’ If D had just dropped the issue, it would have given me more time to think about what a great guy he was. Instead, all i could think about was how annoying he was for constantly bringing up the issue!
It isn’t always easy, but it’s so important to just let things happen in relationships. Trust me, a guy will be much more inclined to call you his girlfriend if the relationship is easy and fun rather than filled with fights over why you two aren’t ‘official.’ I was with a guy a while ago who wouldn’t call me his girlfriend even though we were in a really serious relationship. About a year after we broke up (even though we were never officially together), I couldn’t help myself from asking him why he had such a hang-up about the title. His response? If I hadn’t been so pushy and annoying about it, it never would have been an issue!
Anyway, I’m so happy to hear this post helped you and I really hope everything works out with Mr. on and off : )
- Sabrina
I am soo glad I read this! Thank you soo much! Iv been “talking” to a guy who when i we first met , he was the most sweet, attentive guy ever! We had great chemistry, but he has changed ALOT!!! he dosent call me/text me as much as he used to, we dont hang out anymore, but he is ocassionally sweet. I found myself being a bit pushy and annoying at times, which i guess explains why he pulled back a bit. I was always up for hanging out and spending time together (which when we first met it was the other way around ); he would agree but he would either not show up, text or call me that day to confirm, so obviously i would get upset and start asking and wondering what was going on!. His actions and words confuse me! He has told me that I am marriage material and that he wants to do things right, “he is not going anywhere and neither am i” and that things will get better, But some days I dont hear from him. I have strong feelings for him, and I dont want to loose him or let him go, but im beggining to worry! I think my hopes of becomming his girlfriend pushed him away. Any tips on how to regain his interest??
–thanks!
Hmmm… maybe. But I also think it’s a cop out…a guilt free way to have his cake and eat it too.
And I think it depends on the man or the woman, because in my world, men seem to move on more quickly…or maybe that what they would have us to believe.
still licking his wounds…thus why I never want to be the rebound chick.
all i can say to you is thank you, and from my point of view (the begger).. i kind of pull at the guy i’m seeing when i get curious becuase i do read people so well. i’ve told him it’s his ex and its this and its that. hes just still in denial and says he just doenst want it. i’m done bugging him. i stopped after 4 months of wondering. i just let it be now. but i knew i was right and you just hit the nail on the head for sure.
I was going through the older comments and reread this post – this really was a great one. Universally true – neediness is a bad thing.
But its just hard to believe sometimes when like me, I’ve played the game too and I didn’t want to be in a relationship because I wanted to keep talking to other people. My excuses were “I’m not ready” or “I don’t want to rush”. I have trust issues with guys because I’ve been played and its not the best feeling. But at the same time what you’re saying is so true because I could imagine constantly hearing the same shit all the time could get annoying and just push away the guy you really like. So I’m going to take you’re advice, but at the same time I’m not going to wait that long, because something is really wrong. For now I’m going to show him how much of a great girl I am. I just get confused when he flirts around it makes me think that he wants his cake and eat it too, but he says its nothing and that I need to trust him just like he trusts me because I flirt too, which I do admit. Well thanks Sabrina I really needed this advice!
I am so glad to have read this post! I’m in the exact situation that you and D have been in. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a year now and he still won’t put a label on it. At the beginning I didn’t care, because I had just gotten out of a 2.5 years relationship, but after we past just the hooking up point and got onto the dating scene my feeling for him grew — which I didn’t want it to. But it feels so good to actually care for someone, however I keep questioning if he cared for me or if I was just someone to fill in his time. I push him a couple of time for a title — it wasn’t necessarily “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, but if we are dating or not. He refuse to give me an answer when I ask him how he feels about me (even though he acts jealous under some circumstances) and just gives me the “I don’t have time for a girlfriend” crap. At some point, I feel like I’m making excuses for him because he works full time and goes to school full time. I had a feeling that there was something deeper than him being “busy” — we hang out at least once a week (more in the summer), we text everyday, and he calls me a couple times a week after work (he always initiate the calls). After reading this post it really enlightens me to just let go, and have fun with the way things are, because I do enjoy spending time with him. Like he says, “it’s not like you’re trying to make this long-term after this semester, you’re probably gonna find a job and move away anyway.” I think I found my clue.
I’m having this problem right now! I’m really falling for this guy that I’ve been “seeing” for a few months, and I like where it’s headed, and neither of us are fooling around with anyone else. I’m just curious to see where it might go, and I’m okay with whatever he wants it to be. Being on the same page is always nice, though. If anyone has any tips on how to broach the subject of “exclusivity” I would gladly appreciate them! (I haven’t even brought it up yet) P.S. There’s a bit of an age difference… I’m 20, he’s 25. Thank you in advance.
I ended up dating a guy that lived almost 2 hours away. He was head over heels from first sight. At first I wouldn’t give him the time of day. Then one day I told my friend Jamie to tell her boyfriend that he can give his cousin my number. He begin to call me everyday. We went on dates, hung out at his house. He introduced me to his son and he met my son. Our kids played together. He met my parents by accident because they showed up at my house while he was here. He invited me to his parents house. I met his parents and most of his friends. He met most of my friends. Well he pressured me constantly to be his girlfriend after a couple months. I kept telling him I’m not ready to be your girlfriend. I just got out of a 10 year relationship and the long distance relationship never works. Well for another month or two and I finally gave in. I was glad to have him as my boyfriend because it showed me that I moved on from my 10 year relationship. After five months I treated him and our relationship a little more serious. I told him I love him when we were messing around. After that it was like mission accomplished for him. I really did mean I trully loved him. I cared but not quite that much. He changed after that. He wasn’t sweating me anymore. He stopped calling and texting as much He went out of town a couple of weeks for work and some days he wouldn’t even call he would text good morning and good night. I didn’t catch on right away until it started becoming a habit. Then I finally started asking him whats up and if he found a new woman or another booty call. He would laugh and I would laugh but expect an answer. He said no nothing is going on. He has just been busy working a lot of hours. Well when he returned home I would see him the first day. As time when on the same patterns occurred less calls and texts. I knew something was going on. I had a gut feeling he was messing around on me and giving someone else my attention. I even told my friends and they thought I was crazy. He would tell them how much he cared about me and how I’m marriage material. He practically cried Halloween night at my friend Jamie’s house because I went out with my girls. They said he wouldn’t mess around on me. I started telling him this long distance relationship isn’t working anymore. He would get mad sometimes. One day I was at his house when he returned another time from out of town working and looked him dead in his eye with a big sweet smile saying you know you messed around on me. He looked like he was going to cry I was shocked. I didn’t continue to ask any additional that day. I really did want to know. At the very beginning of our relationship I had a dream that he slept with someone else. I didn’t even care about him then. I cried so hard in my dream. I couldn’t believe a guy that cares about me this much would mess around on me . Well weeks after that I still got the feeling and I told him one day out of the blue I wanted to hookup with him since I’m going back home from my friend that lives up that way. He did not want to hookup. I told him I don’t have much time to stay around though. He agreed when I told him that if he don’t give me what I want I’ll find someone who will. He was like come over I’ll give you what you want. We hooked up and he went limp a few minutes into it. It was freezing cold but this never happens. When I show up he is always always ready. Right when I left he texted me, “you are the last person I was with. I’m not always Johnny on the spot.” I was absolutely devistated. I didn’t even think I would cry so hard over this guy. I sobbed so hard it made me feel even sadder for myself. He didn’t know that I knew it was true he messed around on me. My female interwishing was fully confirmed. We broke up not long after that. He still called and texted like we were still dating. He would forget to text good morning and good night at times. He always told his friends he thinks that I’m still in love with my ex when we were together. He would joke around saying Jody hasn’t been visiting u huh. One day this guy got a hold of my phone and texted him some really bad stuff. He was out with his friends partying and he started blowing my phone up all night leaving me very angry messages to call him, but I guess you can’t call me because you too busy with him and call me tomorrow. He even called my friends phone at 4am. Not long after the guy left him the mean texts my ex left the party Since then he told me he slept with his ex because I told him I would tell him if I hooked up wit someone if he tells me and he told me he did. I asked who it was he said his ex. He now says he is in love with her again and he can’t help it happened. He still calls me everyday and texts me. I am pretty mean to him at times but he says when I get out of my mood he will call me or text him later. I left his house late the night he told me he hooked up with his ex and I did stop talking to him for a week after. Even though he says it was after we broke up. He texted me after I left if I need anything to let him know and text him when I get home. When I decided I was leaving that night he even said you aren’t going to give me a hug bye or a kiss. I did not say a word. I just kept walking to my car. I did not text him back. He texted me a day later saying that snow is coming my way and if I going to bring my son outside to play in the snow. I did not text him back He texted my friend a couple days later trying to pick information out of her but she knew what he was doing. She finally texted him back saying I was with her. I didn’t want her to tell him though. I took her phone and said stop texting my friend bitch. He said she is his friend too but she isn’t. Later on that night I was depressed and texted him and told him exactly what I thought about him and his crap. It felt really good then he had the nerve to say he was tied up at the moment. I said well you need to get untied up right now. Then I got mad and said you tied up now after you been texting me and texting my best friend all day whatever. We made ammends but I been wanting to stop talking to him again to give him something to talk about and make him worry. Since that day I have heard from him everyday like we are dating. I did see him once after we broke up but its not the same. I’m mad at him still and he acts a little weird. I don’t know what I should do. I’m not hurt I’m just disappointed. If he thought or found out I was messing with someone else he would freak out and go balisic. What is his problem? Now I do not tell him any loving things at all. I talk to him just regular no lovey dovey emoional stuff anymore. I’m not really even affectionate towards him anymore. He tried to get me too be affectionate like I use to be when I seen him, but I didn’t want too. Why does he want to breakup but maintain close contact with me? He said he is in love with his ex but wants to hook up with me and talk to me practically everyday. I am getting mad again and think I need to stop talking to him again for a while. I need opinions suggestions and what is wrong with this guy? HELP?
Ok…Mz. Sabrina I’m so glad I read your post, because I needed that. But my sistuation is a little more different, but the same, first of all I’m with a guy thats 20years older than I am, and we work at the same place together, we really only see each other at lunch time. One day out the blue he came to me and told me he was interested in me and wanted me to call him, he gave me his home phone number that same day. I waited a few days before I called him, and we’ve been talking every since. But it’s been almost 3 months since we’ve been seeing each other, and no one at work knows about us.
We usually spend our weekends off together going to the movies, out to eat, but he usually perfer to stay in and cook, which is fine he’s 60y/o and I’m 40y/o, and neither one of us really car for the bar/club scene. He says he’s looking for an exclusive relationship with me, but, this past weekend we didn’t spend it together, which really bothered me because I have gotten use to spending my weekends off with him. He told me we don’t have to spend every weekend together, because we may both have something to do or something, fine but he also seems to think we see enough of each other at work, but if he or I decide not to got to the cafeteria for lunch we wouldn’t see each other at all at work. Not to mention thats where, and how he became interested in me, at the lunch table…He has been married once, I’ve never been married. He says he don’t and won’t rule out getting married again, when we are together, his conversations is always (we and us)…I asked him what do you want from me; and he says I just want to get to know you, and maybe ask you for hand in marriage…He always talk about winning the lottery and what he will buy me and give me…So the question is am I being pushy without really saying it. I need and want more reassurance, and conformation about what we are. I know we are dating and getting to know each other, but im also confused about his TRUE feelings, like when do we become offical (a real couple), how long do it take. He’s an only child, both parents are deceased. He has 2 or 3 close friends, and a host of cousins he really dont communicate with and am sure he’s had his share of hurt..All I want is a once in a while reassurance for my own personal reasons…what should I do??? We really don’t spend that much time together…..does being an only child with no parents play its part in why he wont express how he feels, or his age..
Wow, I was in this exact situation with a guy for 2 years.. He just would not be my boyfriend.. We dated 6 months and it ended.. 1 month later we start hanging out again and 2 years later i finally got fed up of him saying oh one day we’ll be together, but never getting around to it.. when i wanted to talk he just got very angry with me.. like it was my fault he didn’t want to date. It was frustrating.. THank you for explainning your story! i have a better understand what happend through out the 2 years
ok so…i’ll try to make this brief. i knew this guy previously, and at the time he was in a horrible relationship. we re-connected [admitted we always liked each other] and i would be there for him when he’d tell me how abusive the relationship was. it turned into me being the other woman. eventually things became intimate. after 2 yrs he and his ex broke up. he and i remained “seeing” one another. there were complications in the ending of the relationship with his ex as they still had to live together. she would still post comments online to him saying he was the best bf and how she enjoyed hanging out and what not. i would ask him what was going on. he’d say nothing, i don’t feel for her like that, she just doesn’t want us together, i’ve told her to stop but she obviously isn’t. fast forward a yr of me constantly worrying, this settled down. he and i had great passion together, we hung out on the weekends, we’d text each other, he did all the boyfriend things [buy me things, pay for movies and dinner], i’d spend the weekend at his place, but i only met his friends once. there were times in there where i would leave cause i had enough of his indecision and having his cake and eating it too. he’d always say he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that he’s terrified of the feelings he has for me and isn’t ready to face them, that i should just relax and let things flow. he’s been abused in more then one way all his life and the last ex was obviously abusive, but i wasn’t. i never hit him, threatened him, nor put him down. ever. i was always there for him. and don’t get me wrong, he was there for me too. he did the sweet things, like kiss my shoulder in the morning when he woke, left notes on my car a few times, little things. well… one day we’re out having dinnerand because he had told me he was in bit of a funk (he had text me the week before that “my [his] life wasn’t supposed to be like this, and i’m [he] nothing, i’ve amounted to nothing” expressing the depression he was in. prior to this he had seen his father [whom he doesn't speak to at all] and his gram had died prior. so i understood why he was down) i had simply said to him, “you know if you ever need to talk to someone i’m here for you. i want you to know you’re not alone in life and i’m here if you need someone to talk to.” thats ALL i said. next thing i know he’s telling me how he can’t be in a relationship and he doesn’t know why i bring up the relationship all the time. i said i’m not, i’m simply saying you’re not alone. we left and went back to his place where he proceeded to tell me how it’s too much pressure and if he can’t make himself happy how can he make me happy, if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t be with anyone. he wanted to remain friends, he said he felt like the relationship was too much sex. i told him i can’t do friends, i can’t watch him be with someone else. he looked at me in shock and said, “is that what you think this is about? if i wasn’t seeing you i wouldn’t be seeing anyone. i don’t want a relationship.” i said i can’t and i walked out [after crying in his arms a whole hell of a lot]. 1 MONTH LATER he’s with some chick who lives an hour away [where he's from] and has a kid! and he’s broadcasting it online how happy he is and how he’s not wasting his weekends away. he’s put up pictures of her and him, and changed his status in response to the new gf updating her relationship status. he spent 2 WEEKS being sad and depressed and then he meets this chick and two weeks later they’re in a relationship! and he’s being public about it online. and he mentions how he won’t “get to see his girl” and all this crap. and he NEVER did that with me. he was never public about his feelings for me. i don’t know if it was because how we started out, or because he was still friends with the manipulative ex, but he never was public about how he felt for me or what i meant to him. but when we were together he would say how important i was to him, how he liked sensing me, and smelling me, and touching me and being near me and it all scared the shit out of him; how he couldn’t wait to see me, how he didn’t want me to leave when the weekend was over.
What Gives????
Thanks for reading.. =/
I now fully understand why some guys are reluctant to take that next step. I am in the same sort of situation where the guy just broke up with his girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for over 7 months now but he still wont commit. I’ve not pressured him to commit but there seems to be external pressure from close friends who still don’t understand why he won’t commit. He has told me that his previous r/ships all started through pressure from the girl so i try and avoid pressuring him, besides am not one to force someone to be in a r/ship with me, it should just happen naturally i think. Reading this article though has helped me understand the situation much much better. Thank you for the insight