A New Take On Why He Won’t Call You His Girlfriend post image

A New Take On Why He Won’t Call You His Girlfriend


A popular question we get for our famous ‘Ask a Guy’ section is: “Why won’t he call me his girlfriend?” I am not surprised at all, this situation is the worst! I’ve been there, my friends have been there, and it’s so frustrating and makes zero sense. I mean, you’re with this guy, you’re spending a lot of time together, you are in a relationship in every single way except for the fact that you’re not technically in a relationship.

Eric does a great job explaining what might be going on in your guy’s mind but I have some insights that, although from a female perspective, will be of great value as well. A few years ago I had my heart absolutely broken. The experience caused me to completely shut down emotionally. I was aloof, I was hard to read, I didn’t get too close, I was present but never available, essentially, I was a guy (in the psychological sense anyway!).

My ‘guy’ behavior caused the actual guys was seeing to take on the ‘girl role’ and they were always way more into it than I was (this was also due to my aforementioned heartbreak which rendered me numb). My relationships at that point would go something like this: we would meet, there would be a spark, we’d hang out a few times, after a few weeks I would freak out and feel trapped and suffocated, I would then lose all interest in the relationship and would do whatever I could to sabotage it. I felt guilty but also kind of alarmed at my inability to feel anything. Eventually, I softened and started to warm up to the possibility of being in a relationship. This was when I met D.

He was really cute, really sweet, had a good job, and seemed pretty much perfect for me. I liked him a lot at first, well a lot in relation to how much I was capable of liking anyone at that point which wasn’t really that much. I knew he liked me a whole lot more than I liked him, but feeling terrified by the possibility that my heart had turned to stone and that I may never be able to love again, I stayed with it, hoping that the deep feelings he felt for me would eventually be reciprocated on my end.

We had been seeing each other for a little over a month when I sensed that my grace period was over. It was time to have ‘the talk.’ He brought up the subject casually at first, wondering if he could start introducing me as his girlfriend. I fidgeted and gave him some story about how I didn’t like to use labels and the topic was dropped. However, it didn’t stay dropped for long and soon it was ALL we would talk about. D would pester and push asking, in every way he could, why I so adamantly refused to be his girlfriend. He made some very valid points- we saw each other multiple times a week, we talked every day, we liked each other, we had met each others parents, so what exactly was my problem?

I fed him the usual crap, the sort that had been fed to me by guys so many times before: ‘I like things how they are, why mess with everything?’ ‘It’s too soon,’ ‘I don’t like labels,’ ‘I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship,’ blah blah blah. At the time, I truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly believed the things I was saying and, to some extent, they were true. I did like him and I did want to keep seeing him but the prospect of making it official just didn’t feel right at that point in the relationship and I desperately wished he would just drop the issue and let things happen rather than forcing them to.

The more he pestered me, the more turned off I got and the more I resisted allowing him to brand me with a dreaded label. I wasn’t so much flattered by his eagerness as I was concerned by his desperation. I mean, why did this guy want a girlfriend so badly? Was he bad with women? Is he so insecure that he needs a label?

I did like D from the beginning, and I may have grown to really like him if he had given me the chance rather than trying to force me into feeling how he wanted me to feel when he wanted me to feel it. Him giving me all the power in the relationship was also very unsettling. I mean yeah it was nice, but where is the fun and excitement in having someone at your mercy? I knew that I controlled everything and it was really hard to be attracted to a guy that would let that happen. I’m not saying I wanted him to play mind games, but a little restraint and confidence would have gone a long way.

While all this was happening, I couldn’t help but think back to previous relationships where I acted exactly like D. It made me cringe thinking back to how confused and desparate I felt and how I would badger the guy in hopes of getting what I wanted.

So what is it about the title? Well for me, being an official couple meant that someday we’d have to have an official breakup and I just didn’t want to open the door for anything heavy or emotional to enter my life when I was still in a pretty fragile state. I guess by not being his girlfriend, I was pre-emptively avoiding all the messiness a breakup involves. Also, not being an official couple just made me feel safe, like there was still a distance between us that would prevent him from getting too close. I was terrified to let my guard down, who knew what kind of feelings and emotions would take hold if I did? What if he made me really like him and then broke my heart (which actually happened to me in high-school and definitely had an impact). The horror!

I eventually relented and became his girlfriend. Not surprisingly, the relationship soon fell apart. It just wasn’t the right time and rather than letting things happen organically, D was hell bent on forcing them along on his designated path. I felt very uncomfortable and resentful, not to mention furious with myself for caving in which I couldn’t undo, and it just got very ugly from there.

The reason I felt compelled to share this experience is I think it may help to see things from the other side. When a guy won’t call you his girlfriend it doesn’t always mean he doesn’t like you or that he never will. Oftentimes, it may mean that he isn’t ready to commit in that way at that moment. One thing I’ve noticed is that guys don’t bounce back from breakups as easily as us gals do. They can’t just dive right into the next relationship which is why, I’m sure you’ll notice, the guys that won’t call you their girlfriends are usually still licking their wounds from a previous breakup. It is a really frustrating situation to be in but remember, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or that you’re not good enough in some way. In most cases, it really isn’t you at all. If someone doesn’t want to commit, they’re obviously the one with the issues (I know I certainly was). In this situation, it is more than okay to adopt this adage: “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Are you with a guy who won’t call you his girlfriend? Have you been the ‘guy’ in a relationship? Do you have any additional thoughts to add? Well please share in the comments section!

- SABRINA ALEXIS

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CL April 2, 2014, 9:08 pm

Assuming you destroyed a chance with a guy after being so needy. Would you be able to start anew again? What’s your tip on this? I really wish to have him back but now that I have learnt so much from here, I wanna be myself and not revolve my life around him. At the same time, wish that he will come back.

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Rileyy April 2, 2014, 12:27 pm

Okay, but what if you’ve known the guy for years and have both dated on and off, he tells you he loves you, and that he wants to be with you yet he still can’t be your boyfriend or even spend time with you its the beginning of April and I haven’t seen him since January. I invited him to a formal event in about a week or two and when I ask him what’s his answer he just says “idk” and it is so frustrating because I don’t see the issue, if anyone has been hurt the whole time it would be me, he told me one of the reasons he wanted me is because he knew I wouldn’t lie to him and I absolutely loathe cheating so he knows I won’t hurt him. In all of the conversations we have had all of his sentences are about one to two words tops. I told him I would give him another chance when we started talking again. But the whole reason we stopped was because he got mad at me for hanging out with a guy friend at the bowling alley (both me and the guy I’m talking to, let’s call him A, are on the team, my friend just randomly showed up) and decided to immediately start dating my Best Friend’s cousin, and he openly admitted he knew it would hurt me. When I agreed tostart “Talking” to him again, he swore he would try harder not to hurt me and try harder to spend time with me and make me happy. Yet here he is now, turningme down every time I offer to let him stay over (which is often, I have a high sex drive and he knows I’m not offering just to make him stay with me, I get annoyed when I don’t “get any”) we haven’t had sex since January, all we do is text, when I ask to talk on the phone he says he’s too tired, you would think he would be more than ready to come see me considering he leaves for basic training in September. Were both young, but I’ve already graduated, he’s older than me, but he decided to not get out of school earlier than scheduled. I just don’t understand what’s going on here. When he’s working I don’t bother him, he doesn’t like it. He usually doesn’t care if I text him during school hours but as soon as I ask about seeing him he stops messaging me as if he’s busy when I know he isn’t. The only reason he stayed at the school is because he wanted to help out with the ROTC program. The whole time we were on the bowling team I was always buying the food and drinks for both of us. So will someone explain this please? Because I haven’t got a clue on God’s green earth what is going through A’s head.

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John April 2, 2014, 4:26 pm

. . . And you WON’T have a clue what’s going on in his head – nor should you. Don’t you think it’s hard enough trying to figure out what’s going on in your own head without having to figure out some else’s? Rileyy, it is a futile effort to read the thoughts of a person in order to help that person help you be happy. Further, it’s not your job to fix him. Your job is to make yourself happy. Notice what I said: It is YOUR job to make YOURSELF happy. It is not someone else’s job, nor is it the job of a relationship to make you happy. Nevertheless, it seems this (so-called) relationship is making you UNhappy. So why are you still in it?
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There are over 3 billion men on this planet, several thousand of which are eligible, willing, relationship-minded men who live within driving distance of your home. Don’t be afraid to “lose” this guy; I am pretty sure he is not afraid to lose you, and is secretly hoping he will lose you. Why? Because I think the guy is a chicken-sh*t and can’t handle telling you what you may already suspect: He is screwing around. But he wants to have you as well. If he were a truly brave man he’d tell you one of two things: 1) I am your man, you are my woman, and we are in a relationship. And he would do EVERYTHING in his power to be with you – EVERYTHING! 2) I DON’T want to be in a relationship with you. And you’ll never see him again.

It’s obviously more complicated than that, but those really are the only two options – as far as YOU are concerned.
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I think you are holding on to something that does not exist. This relationship may serve him, but does nothing for you. I think you are afraid that ending this relationship may feel like a failure, and no one wants to feel like that. I think if you DON’T end this relationship then you will feel like a fool – which is even worse than feeling like a failure.
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Too often people associate failure with a catastrophic end; There is something wrong with you if you fail. Well, that’s just not true. Also, take a close look at “failure” in this case. What does it mean? It means you have ended a relationship that never really existed in the first place, and ending it will free you up to make a relationship with one of the other thousands of men out there that could help lead to your happiness. For some reason that doesn’t seem like failure to me. That sounds like good strategic thinking, self preservation, and carving path to your happiness in a relationship. And it sounds like a job you are capable of doing.
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Just remember that I am not a behavioral specialist. I have no credentials that qualify me to give advice on this subject. If you feel you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed professional qualified in giving advice on this subject. No matter what choices you make in life, always take care of the self.

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Rileyy April 3, 2014, 2:49 am

Thank you for the advice, before I take any actions I am going to think things through and think about everything you have said. I would like to think things through before I take any actions. Honestly since I have known him everyone has tried to tell me he is no good and I should drop him, but you’re also correct as to it being more complicated than just dropping him. It’s difficult to drop someone who has been in your life almost every day for the past four years. But anyways, thank you for the advice.

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rj March 2, 2014, 2:02 pm

Hello Jason,
I hope you are doing well. I need some advice here. What’s funny is I kinda know what I have to do, I’m just not sure.
So here’s some background, I was with a Pakistani for 6 years. VERY unhealthy relationship on and off again, always drama. Mentally abusive horrible. 2 months before our wedding he spread a rumor that I cheated on him to his family, didn’t talk to me about it just everything was over. I knew when I called his number and the number was changed. 3 months later he was engaged to a Pakistani girl and 3 more months later he was married. The whole time “still working on things” with me. I only found out because she e-mailed me pics of the wedding at work. Anyway, obviously I was so freaking destroyed when everything happened with the wedding and then 6 months later again when I found out the truth.
So I went to therapy worked through it built myself up strong. Then I decided only sexual relationships is what I would have. Two guys later I realized umm….this is not for me…I keep wanting more and the rejection killed.
During this time though as a side note, there was this guy. I know him because our families have always been close although him and I never spoke a word to each other even if in the same room. All of a sudden he made an effort. We started talking and seeing each other for 4 months. Always with our families never really alone. So right during the time I decided I wasn’t doing “those” relationships anymore, I decided I wanted to go there with him. I wouldn’t accept that kind of relationship, but I had to at least once. Lol. :) Anyway, to my surprise he was really great and didn’t treat it cheaply. We started hanging out more, seeing each other more, and sometimes he didn’t even want to have sex. He called me everyday and asked how my day was and we spent time with our families still and didn’t hide we were seeing each other. Anyway, I started feeling insecure because I couldn’t define what we were and that’s the problem I always had with my ex, so I needed to know and I asked only to find out that, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”. Okay, I smiled and told him it was fun while it lasted but I didn’t want to invest time and emotion where a relationship was an option.
Now I know his break up was HORRIBLE, gosh I know. I heard from his family and mine him and I have never talked about our previous relationships with each other. We both met the people, we both know how bad the breakups were and we don’t bring it up.
Alright, great okay, but we still talk and we still see each other. We keep it very light and not nearly as often. No sex, I won’t let that happen. I really like him though and he has told me he really likes me. I keep him as a friend I know only because I hope he will change his mind. Although, i don’t chase him or look for him or revolve my world around him. I just don’t know if I should stop being “friends” with him because I know I still like him and when he’s around we both flirt and get all high-school like, which DOES NOT help me get over him at all. Please give me some advice.

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shenna Lula January 16, 2014, 11:27 pm

I have been with a man for 7 years now. 4 straight years then I did my own thing because he said he didn’t love me and didn’t ws nt a commitment. So I was seeing other people. He found out and said I cheated on him. Well after 2 years of him doing what he wanted with other women but he was alwAys with me too. So now we have been living together for a year and tonight he told me he’s on the fence still. He doesn’t want me. He dont love me. Wait what?? I dont get it. If you didn’t want me why did he move in with me.

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Ace December 16, 2013, 8:02 am

I’ve been dating this guy for a little over three months. Everything is great, I enjoy his company and if everything is good. We just started Having sex and I just met some of his friends and sisters and he’s making an effort. I’m not just some random guy anymore. We’ve talked about our relationship about a month and a half back and we are commited and monogamous, we are not dating anyone else and we are completely devoted to each other. But even till this day, he hasn’t giving me the title yet. He says he wants to take things slow and doesn’t want to rush into anything. He said this about two months back. He says that gay relationships tends to move fast and the couples claim it’s love and then they move in and then within a year it’s over. I understand this concept and I agree that there are many couples out there in our community that do move fast but I feel it’s already been three months. Since the day we started talking, we haven’t stopped. We go on dates and see each other about two to three times per week. We even have a set date for date night each week. I feel as though the boyfriend title legitimizes the relationship. He said to me that isn’t it more important for other people(meaning important people in our lives) to understand what we mean to each other. I’m like yes but I’m not a friend to you, or a fling. And I don’t want him to have his cake and eat it too. He tells me that I’m not. He asks me if I’m happy and I told him yes and then he’s like why change things if we both happy. We already planning New Years and he even wants to take a trip together somewhere in Europe in a couple of months. Many things can happen within a couple of months, but I’m looking at this relationship as more as long term. He hasn’t given me any reason to believe he’s with someone or cheating or anything extreme. And he knows I want the title. He is 27 and I’m 23. What do I do? I want the title but how long should I wait? Is the title important? Are labels good? Am I over analyzing this or am I moving to fast? I’m insecure about the situation even though he hasn’t giving me any reason too at this point. I don’t want to pressure him which I haven’t mentioned this to him for a while. I really like him and want to keep this good relationship going. My friend tells me to just go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

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Samantha November 13, 2013, 10:28 am

I completely agree with this post! I have experienced both sides. I don’t tend to fall for someone easily but a few years ago i wasted over a year with someone who messed me around and it left me mentally exhausted. Looking back at it, i was so needy and i just cringe thinking about it. But it really left me heartbroken and since then i haven’t allowed myself to open up to anyone. Now when i meet someone, he ends up liking me much more and i turn out to be the “guy” in the situation. I went out with a guy on ONE date and he harassed me for a total of 6 months as i told him i didn’t want to date him.
As cliche as it sounds, it really is true when you say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. The reason i came across this article is because i just saw my “ex” on facebook and he now has a girlfriend. It still hurts but i guess everything happens for a reason…

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confused lady August 5, 2013, 2:25 pm

John and everyone…need advice

I met this guy off a dating site about 2 months ago. Right off the bat, he said he didn’t want anything serious because he travels a lot for work and never knows how long he will be in one place. However, his company is based out of where I live so if and when work slows down or he finishes a job, he always comes back here…thus he has an apartment by me. He said that I could stay there since he is hardly there.
Anywho, after hanging out with him 2 days, I asked him to go to Atlanta with me for a job interview. He said yes. We had sex for the 1st time the second day there…5 days after we initially met.
About him: he is 25 (im 29). His parents got divorced and he barely ever talks to his mom. He says he only had 2 girlfriends (slept with about 25ppl). At first when I asked how many of those 25 he dated he said only the 2 girlfriends and said 1 other one was close to dating. He then said maybe a few he dated. He says he always leaves them. He says he HATES labels and doesn’t see the point in calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s just a reason to change a facebook status. He also doesnt want to get married or have kids. However, he has slept with women who had kids and the one girlfriend had a kid from someone else and gave birth while they were together. He says pregnant women are not pretty. He says he’s always been a loner and gets along with people older than him. The women he sleeps with have been older than him. Two were former strippers. A few were in troubled relationships or marriages. He also calls all his guy friends buddy instead of by thier names cuz he says since i dont know the people. He takes his phone EVERYWHERE..bathroom, shower, etc and is always on it. He daily communicates with his 1 ex girlfriend and sex partners. he says he remains friends with all of them so why not talk to them. I asked if he misses them and his reply was, “Don’t you miss your friends?” I said I do NOT miss the ones I’ve slept with cuz we are no longer friends and I don’t talk to old sex partners. He is aware that I am jealous of that and not happy he still talks to them. I feel that is why he now sometimes tries to hide it when he gets a message/text/email and replies by either going to the bathroom or waits til i leave the room. However, he still does it in front of me too. He is still on the dating site and talks to chicks but I dont know about what. he says he is not sleeping with anyone else, seeing anyone else or plans to sleep with anyone else. I asked if we are just friends and he replies, “Is that what you think we are?” I say no. So I ask are we dating…and he replies by shrugging his shoulders or not answering. He was at a job for 4 weeks and asked me to visit him 2 times which I did. He is currently at another job site and is there for about 2 1/2 months. He said, “You are invited to come visit me if you want to.” I replied, “Do you want me to come out there? do you want to see me?” He replies, “I’m not going to tell you what to do. You can come out if you want to.” I told him I want to hear him ask me to visit him cuz he wants me there, but he wouldn’t. I still went out there. He says I can stay as long as I want. He does treat. I asked if he asked other girls to travel with him and he said no. I asked if he asked them to move with him up here from maine and florida and he said no cuz they wouldn’t or couldn’t.
We had dinner with his coworkers and boss. He kidded around saying I was a hooker. Awhile later and after a few drinks, he threw bean bags at my head. I started to cry. It got his coworkers mad and the one almost fought him. He told his coworker that is how we play around. 3 days later he told me that was his way of letting me know that he is acknowleding my presence and paying attention to me. I told him that was a crappy way. When we play wrestle he always tosses me to the floor or pushes me off the bed onto the floor. when I arrived at the hotel he also said, “you are like a lost puppy…following me all over the states.” I said that was crappy to say too. I said I asked if you wanted me out here but you said if i wanted to come out i could so he shouldn’t say that.
He still has naked and graphic pictures and videos of past sex partners. I ask why he still has them and he says he doesnt delete anything and “why not?” I know he has sent a few shirtless pictures (hopefully only shirtless) to past sex partners and at least 1 girl he is currently talking to from that dating site. He smacks my butt a lot and whips me with a towel. i tell him he leaves marks and that it hurts sometimes.
He never compliments me or says sweet, nice, cute things to me. He says he doesnt like PDA too. He usually alwasys has me decide what we are going to do that day. He doesn’t think about the future…only the moment. He will text me morning everyday, but he also texts other ppl morning too everyday. He has said that we get along good though.

So what should I do? What advice can anyone give me? How do you perceive him and whatever kind of relationship him and I have?

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God August 18, 2013, 9:26 pm

Get yourself together and leave him. Don’t be weak. You will soon meet someone better.

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John August 19, 2013, 12:47 am

(Pre-note: I am pretty sure I would never take advice from someone who uses a sign-on name as “God”. But that’s just me. Anyway. . . . )
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“‘You are like a lost puppy. Following me around everywhere.’” I told him that was a crappy thing to say.” Yes. It is a crappy thing to say. It’s also the truth. Confused, what you need to do is go back and read your post and pretend it is someone else who has written it. If you are smart lady – and I think you are – you’ll derive very quickly the right advice for this person, a.k.a. your self.
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I think you were smitten by this – ahem! – “man”, you let your baser instincts take over, let him have his way with you, and now your are trying to justify your spontaneous actions by imposing or masking a relationship over this “mess” as a way to cover up the fact that it is indeed a mess! You are an object to him – simple as that. He cares nothing for your feelings – AT ALL! You may as well be a rag doll to him for the way he treats you.
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This is what you do: First you forgive yourself. It’s all right that you (and he!) made this mess. It happens, and it’s not the end of the world. Second, dump this guy, and don’t look back. Trust me – the only feelings that will be hurt are yours, and that’s only because you will come to realize that you have been used in much the same way this guy would use a towel – with little regard and much indifference.
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Third – and most important – you need to understand why you would allow yourself to be treated this way. It seems to me you have a (very) low self esteem problem. There is a root to this somewhere in your past that you need to face a reconcile. And you are not going to accomplish this on-line. You, my dear, are going to need professional help on this. You need to be particularly selfish about this, Confused. So I am going to emphasize the word “you” as I complete this post. So allow me to repeat:
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YOU, Confused, will need professional help for this. YOU are having some low self esteem problems that YOU need to address. There is a problem in YOUR past that YOU need to address for YOURSELF – NOT for him, NOT for this relationship (because it isn’t a relationship you want to keep anyway) NOT for YOUR parents, NOT for society – but for Y.O.U.
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Fourth – once YOU have determined the source of YOUR low self-esteem, YOU can begin building it up. As YOU build it, YOU need to ask YOURSELF what YOU really want in a relationship, what YOU really deserve out of a relationship, what kind of men YOU have allowed to treat YOU this way, and work toward attracting men (plural) that will NOT treat YOU this way, and will instead treat YOU with the respect, love, and admiration YOU deserve.
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In short, Confused, YOU have a lot of YOU-work to do. And it starts by dumping this asshole and not looking back .
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Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, a life coach, a relationship expert, or any kind of behavior specialist. I have no credentials that allow or support me to provide advice of the type I just gave. I am just a guy on a computer keyboard, telling it like I see it. If you (YOU) think you (YOU) need professional help (and I think YOU do.) then seek it from a licensed qualified individual who has specialized in the type of help you need. Best of luck to you . . . (YOU) and remember to take care of the self.

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John August 19, 2013, 1:04 am

Hey! I just realized . . . “God” pretty much gave you the same advice: Leave him. HAHA!

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confused lady August 19, 2013, 1:41 am

Thank you very, very much! I greatly appreciate your input. I ended up coming back home and writing him a 10 page letter telling him how I felt and how he makes me feel. I told him that I don’t think he cares for me one bit and is just using me. His reply was for me to come back out there because I should be there with him. He gave no answers or responses to my letter.

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sophie October 13, 2013, 6:46 pm

Babe no offence but are you insane?????? You deserve waaaaaaayyyyy better and you know that bc of you feel bad with him. Love e yourself enough to not falling for some immature assholes ever again. I’ve been there and I’ll tell you what don’t wait for him to commit to you!!!!! You don’t want him!!!!!!! You want someone who will love you and respect you tread you as best friend would tread you with appreciation and love. Don’t let.him brake your boundaries when someone make you feel like shit walk away!!!!!!! When someone doesn’t care about you walk away. You know him for.2 months and he act like that it will get worse don’t stick around. You are 28 honestly learn how to love yourself enough that was my first step to walk away from guy similar to yours one i have waisted 1.5 year. believe me the is someone waaaaaaayyyyy much better then this guy you date now. And the worst thing you can do is to continue that thing.

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ElleJai June 19, 2013, 11:58 am

I’ve got a nearly 1 year old with my not boyfriend, who I started seeing as “friends with benefits” while saving him from suicide and depression a mere 6 weeks post final separation with his now ex wife. I’m the one who puts up with his baggage, supports him and got him back on his feet and started reeducating him on what being a man means. He’s generous, loves me and our son (conceived by accident 3 months in) and we plan to grow our family. We neither have, nor need a title.

I made it clear that I need to be asked to get married within ten years so there’s 8 to go for him to sort out his fear and decide if he can handle the label. In the meantime a label offers me nothing we don’t already have! It took me a couple of months and a therapist to handle the uncertainty but if all the ingredients are present then why fight over his head space? He knows I’m really his girlfriend, he just panics at the label. So we don’t. And we’re better than fine, we’re family.

Check the relationship, not the title. If everything is there, don’t worry about it. Marriage is an experience that I’d like someday but he knows I wouldn’t agree to it yet because we want to be in the best place before taking that step. He also knows that I can see this lasting long term and I’m prepared to work at it with him so it does. I don’t rush him, we respect each others needs and that’s all that counts. Labels are overrated. Listen to your heart, your gut, not your smug/angry friends and generic dating advice.

In the other hand, if you’re that unhappy, just leave. Ultimatums don’t work and either the relationship survives on its own merits or you’re better off with someone on the same page. Just don’t make everyone else miserable figuring out which it is.

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AT721 April 24, 2013, 4:48 am

That makes so much sense. The last guy I was with for several months refused to call me his girl friend. I really didn’t put the pressure of it in him, either. I knew from day one that he was scared of having a relationship after his last one fell apart. Everyone else called him my boyfriend and called me his girlfriend (my friends called him my not-boyfriend and me his not-girlfriend). I was okay with waiting things out and being patient because I thought this one was worth it. In the end, I feel like I wasted my time. We let things happen organically, and as things kept unfolding our relationship began to feel less casual and was becoming a little more serious. I was shocked that he told me he was in love with me. I told him the feelings were mutual, and then several weeks later it was over, by his doing. I still feel like the last argument we got into was almost sabotage from him. I made the mistake of calling him out on it, and after ignoring me for a week he dumped me via text- when a week before we were happy and in love. I just recently started talking to him again, and asked him for an explanation. He made excuses like, “we were arguing all of the time” though one argument does not constitute all of the time. But in between the excuses he did say he was not ready, but he did mean when he said he loved me. I spent a couple of months killing myself over what I did wrong, when it really did boil down to his issues. Even though I played it cool the whole time in the end I lost my head because I was wanting something from this guy that he wasn’t ready for. I learned something really valuable for this, that I refuse to repeat again. I miss him terribly, but almost feel worse for him than I do myself. I too had and have my issues, and I tried really hard to set them aside to really love this person when they clearly were not in a place to do the same. I should have walked out when I realized that waiting around for what I really wanted from this person was a hopeless to be had, no matter how strong my feelings were. I’ll know in the future how to save myself from the heart break that I have slowly been receiving from these last couple of months.

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Princess February 19, 2013, 9:40 pm

I am in a situation right now wherein my ex and I are still together but no commitment involved. We broke up in November 2011 but after a month or two we decided to be in a no-strings-attached set-up. He treats me more special before than we were together. Like I’m the most important person in his life. When we were still in a commited relationship, we used to fight a lot, I was clingy, insecure, demanding… but then when we broke up I became so independent, secured, and I can decide more for myself. That’s when he changed a lot too. I know when we started our relationship he made it clear to me that he wasn’t ready for 1 but since he liked me so much he gave it a try, but didn’t work out. He even said there’s no more chance for us to get back together because of the misery I caused him. But when we decided this set-up however he became more loving, caring, he treats me like his Princess. We had our post Valentine date last Saturday. I asked him why does he treat me so special? Then he said, he feels like I’m “almost his girlfriend”. I just smiled, I didn’t wanna ask any questions anymore. I remember last time when he told me that he loves me more than his family, I took his words and I will leave it that way since I realized that this set up works for us. And if he decided to come back, that maybe a bonus points but for now even without labels for as long as we don’t fight anymore, we don’t feel pressured and we’re very happy, I will just leave it this way. Anyway I’m ready if in case he decided to stop this or if I decided to end this. I already prepared myself.

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Princess February 19, 2013, 9:41 pm

I just want to correct this sentence:

He treats me more special before than we were together.

I mean: He treats me more special now than when we were together (commited) before.

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Princess February 20, 2013, 1:19 am

Oh btw if I may add also, he’d rather be with me than with his friends, before when we were still in a relationship he wanted to be with them rather than with me. He doesn’t even ask permission before, he text me once/twice a day, now he’s the one who initiates first. Every weekend we’re always together. And whenever other people ask him if I’m his girlfriend he says yes.

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Iris February 15, 2013, 5:51 pm

I enjoyed this post so much, I had to comment. I’m glad you gave a woman’s perspective. People forget that women have many of the same issues as men. It isn’t just the women pushing for commitment. Women aren’t the only ones needy. Reading a woman’s point view made it instantly easier to understand what is really going on in my dude’s head. Thanks!

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J January 10, 2013, 11:23 am

Hi guys,

Probably need some input here? I am at a point in my life where I have seen it all I guess. I have been a lurker on this site and read over threads but never posted.
I’m a 30year old guy (I look like 22/23 though), actually I was going to try and waffle on and give people perspective all about the last relationship so that someone can give the best advice….but I don’t think that this will achieve it’s goal? If you want more perspective on that specifically please ask. I will try give some sort of detailed perspective anyway.

I feel like I am going to be “this guy” ^^^in the next relationship? If I ever have another relationship? :-S
Reading this post really hit home to me. I have avoided all contact and possibly situations that could lead to meeting another girl after being with my ex. It’s highly likely that I was subject to a ‘borderline’ narcissist.
I used to be a guy with confidence, I used to be comfortable around women. Believe it or not I used to blog/post online to help guys meet girls. Up until I met my ex I had 3 -4 girls I was seeing, my life was good I was happy. I never have problems meeting or talking to attractive girls. I still know I have that spark there. I still know I have got it ;-)
I am trying to form some comical analogy to lighten the mood of my post? like being a superhero with a special power and then choosing not to use it? :)
Put it this way, if any of the people who used to follow my posts on other forums knew this was me posting the same stuff here I think there’d be mass confusion. Hence I have not gone to any other medium with this lol.
I digress…(I am good at that ;) careful someone keep me on track) I will say one thing though before you label me “ladies man” or worse “X ladies man” (the former label would normally flatter me and the latter I am now feared of became or becoming), I am a very loyal person.
In the past I may have take a while to commit to a girl (not ages but I have needed to know they are the right person to have a relationship with), but once I did she had my full attention.
I would never deviate.
I would never create distrust.
Basically I figured that if I am to go into this relationship I am going to give it 100%. I hate feeling regret. I never wanted to think ‘I wonder if I did….X….would things be different?’ thats not me.
I am a certain type I would give 100% to the end and then when I made a decision to finally end things I never went back. That was until my recent ex. I felt for her. We were in such a strong “sexually” passionate relationship (emphasis on sexually) cause outside of that, it was not a pretty relationship. She started to bring the worst out in me. Anyway, long story short was I ended it after I found out that she was seeing another guy behind our backs. We were on the mend too. I had a strong gut instinct but she was a very very good liar. She was so convincing that most people in her life were fooled by her ‘sweet nature’ as if “butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth” (as the old saying goes). I got my confirmation. Ended it. Somehow? I have no idea how?….a couple of months pass and we got back together. Things were hot and strong. But I started to feel numb. I started to not get excited about life anymore? It was monotone. Shades of grey. Neither good nor bad so to speak? By the time things finally ended I didn’t even feel bad or good. I just ended it and I didn’t get all emo I didn’t get nasty either I just moved on in life…..ALL EXCEPT MY LOVE LIFE? Something has happened to me?
I have become so scared of being the guy in this ^^^^ story (strangely enough depicted by a chick – great story btw ;) Sabrina) that I have stopped myself all possible means of meeting another girl :( It’s lame I know. I mean I still have sexual urges but the thought of being in another relationship is repulsive. The thought of dating seems daunting (man if some guys ever heard me say that I have no idea what the consequences would be?).
I feel torn inside. Part of me knows I have still got a gift and I should go use it. Some other strange part of me refuses to let me put it out there.
I would go as far as to say that I am self sabotaging at inkling of a girl showing interest. I was so good with relationships and relationship advice and helping guys get the girl they want….that I for some stupid f*%#ed up reason * intentionally* (yet not consciously – far out can they even be used together?) say or do things that would repulse a girl only enough for her not to think I am some weirdo, but enough to stop the blips I am seeing on her radar. What’s worse is a sigh of relief comes over me afterwards like ‘shit that was close man, you might have had to take that one on date and show her a good time’ LOL and I am laughing now at my own commentary because it’s true.

What has happened to me? I have tried to research about guys who have fallen “victim” (seems like s woosy word to use but don’t know how else to word it other than what I have read on the net – anything else seems out of context?) to narcissistic/boarderline woman….and all I see is guys who were ‘puppy dogs’ and ‘push overs’ from the beginning. These were the guys I used to pity and feel sorry for and attempt to teach them stuff so that they could feel good about life and go meet some girl instead of being desperate lol. But somehow I am a piece to the wrong jigsaw puzzle? I am meant to relate to (and in my ways I do when i read about their situations and compare what happened to my self) but I can’t? I have never been a puppydog or a woosy guy. But something else is happening to me that I can’t find any info on anywhere cause guys like me usually don’t end up in situations like I did?
What do I do? I have not seen another girl or even kissed another girl in over a year. I am sure my “hitch” like blogs/profiles dotted across the web have tumbleweeds blowing past them and are covered in cyber dust :D lol
The ‘old me’ would do what most women do after a relationship and bounce back. I would be back into things and meeting new girls straight up. Fresh girls too. I would never keep my options open in a relationship. I needed to cause I knew I could meet someone again if I wanted to. Most of the time I have waited for the ex to meet a new guy first before I got into anything serious though.
Now I am 30 something happened? Some strange “family” orientated thing kicked in inside me. I want to have kid(s) and everyone tells me I would make a good dad too :) The thought of kids and the fact that I have not obtained a lot of material wealth in my life so far (a lot of that could be attributed to my interactions with women in some way shape or form – and yes I take full responsibility here that too!) . All this really dawns on me as I don’t want to be a dad without provisions?
That scares me!!! It scares me so much that I am doing anything to get ahead in life to make up for wasted time.
But I have close friends say to me on a weekly basis “So dude what girl are you catching up with this week? :)” and I have managed to avoid it for year now with some along the lines of “I am working on a project at the moment and I can’t afford a distraction”…..which isn’t entirely far from the truth, actually IT IS the truth.
I’ve devoted so much time to this project (and have not got visual results from it) that I am starting to wonder if its a facade? People are going to think I am a failure soon if I don’t hurry it up either….but it takes time and I am well planned.
I am working on it cause I want to have some purpose in life rather than it being “fulfilled” (or lack there of) by chasing girls like I used to? I used to tag a purpose to meeting girls by teaching guys who didn’t know how to. Teaching only re-inforced things too. But now I have a different purpose. The more I see it the less I see it being with anyone else by my side? :( I used to have fantasies of a being with ‘the one’ and sunset walks on the beach *harps play in the background* jokes.

Another thing is, and this sounds so ridiculous (I have attempted to edit this several times)…I feel like all the people that are “my age” seem to look like they are getting old fast. I look really young (ok people say the word youthful sounds better), so the worst part for me right now is that age gaps are getting bigger.
What i mean is girls ‘my age’ (or those that fit within the “socially acceptable age gap”) don’t look twice at me? And its not because I am unattractive either, I know that. Further to complex things for me is that younger girls seem to be attracted to me? I even try to get them to back off by saying my age like it’s some sort of deterrent and it doesn’t work? It seems to make things worse? Far out! I try to look at things from another persons shoes. Like I would look less out of place with a younger chick cause of how I look, but I am not wanting immature idiot girl whoes only going to waste my time….regardless of how hot she is. I live on the Gold Coast too so that makes things infinitely worse and only supporting my reasons to stay in on weekends and not go out.

Anyone want to tell me what my next move should be? I have come to the point of no moves is the best move, but I am feeling anxiety now. People are starting to talk about me like I am becoming a recluse…maybe I am?

I still feel monotoned towards life. I do hold on to some distant dream that there maybe love again in my life? But I have gotten to the point now that I don’t even care if there isn’t or never will be again…and that’s what worries me. It’s why I am posting here?

I’m done. The end……?

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John January 11, 2013, 1:42 am

J, you have left a vary long post, and frankly I skimmed it – didn’t read all of it, but from the parts I did read, this is what I gather: You need a challenge, my friend. A big one! The best thing that could happen to you right now in your life is to find your self in a life threatning situation that you manage to wrangle yourself out of. Those kinds of situations rarely present themselves, and you’d be foolish to bring it on yourself, so you can only do the next best thing: Create a NON life threatening challenge.
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Take a rock climbing class. Rebuild an engine. Learn how to operate heavy equipment or drive a truck. Build a shed or small house. Chop down a tree and cut it into firewood.
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Problem is, my man, you have lost your sense of masculinity. And the best way to get it back is to put youself in a manly situation. In fact, you are going to need MANY many situation. You need to find a challenge or make a challenge, you need to meet it head-on, and you need to overcome it. The more challenging it is, the more manly you’ll feel. Then you’ll start to find yourself again.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, a life coach, nor a relation guru, nor do I possess any credentials that would qualify me to give such advice. If you feel you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed qualified professional in this field of study. Best of luck to you, and as always, take care of the self.

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J January 12, 2013, 12:29 pm

John, skim you did. Um your recommendations ARE what I am already doing. Should I underline the word “PROJECT” for you?

I rebuild engines quite frequently; I am taking up studies of programming development at the moment; And I am currently putting in extensive amount of time towards a design patent. Funnily enough just prior to Christmas I learnt how to drive a 4.5 tonne front end loader.

I had un-expected life threatening situations last year that saw me in hospital on a drip for over a month. No thanks I will pass on your.
I have however participated in activities such as skydiving , rock climbing and cliff/bridge jumping that felt very “liberating” of fears. I have recently arranged with a mate to teach me how to surf. I have also taken up Arakan martial arts having just done my first lesson a few weeks back and arranged yesterday for more lessons.

You might assistance in possibly recommending something that might be an alternative of ‘me filling the void with new activities’ that I could seem to be doing? :)
In the last few months I have done probably more in my life than any of the years before it. I kind of feel like i am filling the void constructively…at least that is what I keep telling my self?

Thanks for your response. Guess here wasn’t the right place to post what I posted? I think professional help is in order for certain.

Sorry for the length I tried to put it all down.

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J January 12, 2013, 12:33 pm

I see why you have skim read my post lol. Your responding to everyone’s posts.

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Margarita January 13, 2013, 9:56 pm

Hi J,

I am going to put in my 2 cents. I’ve been recieving this thread into my e-mil inbox and finally could not keep quiet anymore. At first I wanted to say “Dude, are you out of your mind???? Where the f…. is your self-esteem and confidence?” But them I remembered how I was in the similar wagon and how I got out of it.

1. Every morning when you wake up, go to the mirror, look at yourself, standing there just awaken, with bed hair and smile. Smile broad! And say out loud “I am the greatest guy in the world. I am funny, handsome, great in bed, strong, attractive and I can do anything I desire” Say it again and again, every morning. Say it at night too before bed time. Always smile when you are saying it. Do that for a week and report back to me and tell me how you feel and I will tell you step #2.

Good luck!

rj March 2, 2014, 1:48 pm

Hi J,

So I know what you mean. I’m 32 I look a lot younger so usually attract younger men, it’s hard to find people my age. I’m not much of a dater, I can be but I lose interest quickly and just don’t keep up the effort. If I catch feelings for someone, I’m 100% focused and like you give myself 100%. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find the “available” men. So they are single but not emotionally available. I was just seeing someone like you and I broke it off two months ago when he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Our families are really good friends and we never really spoke to each other, we know about each others really really bad relationships that ended at the same time two years ago for me and nearly three for him. I got back together and engaged to the ex for 6 months then it was called off. Anyhow, we started seeing each other and then he said that he wasn’t ready and frankly I wasn’t ready to start hearing excuses. We have remained friends, but for me mostly in hopes that he changes his mind. After I read your post it sounds JUST like him. I have been struggling to either cut him off completely (I don’t stay friends with ex’s) or continue to be a friend to show him I’m like his ex. (which I know is not my problem) My question to you is…what the heck could a girl do to get through to you? What do you think I should do?

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Linn November 29, 2012, 12:52 pm

wow John thanks a lot

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John October 7, 2012, 11:17 pm

Hi Ladies – I’ve noticed a recurring theme these posts: “I have been seeing this guy for {X amount of time}. We have a lot of fun together when we see each other. He says {nice, sweet, fun things like “I love you”, “you are special to me” – whatever}. He does {nice, sweet, fun things like take me to dinner, meet his family, opens the door for me – whatever}. We have been intimate. For instance we have {made out, felt each other’s “junk”, seen each other naked, had sex – whatever}. We talk, text, email, communicate all the time. But no matter what happens, he won’t call me his girlfriend, he won’t commit to me, he makes me feel insecure, – whatever. I don’t know what to do, it doesn’t make sense, I can’t figure him out, my world is a mess – whatever. Please help”
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Here is your “help”: You cannot control what another person does and that includes men. There is nothing to figure out, nothing to understand, nothing you can do to make this guy give you the relationship you think you want. This type of “problem” is prolific, across time and across the world. You may be familiar with lore where a woman is so desperate to have a man fall in love with her that she gives up something precious in return. Think “The Little Mermaid”, for instance.
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This is what you DON’T do: Do not hang around waiting, wishing, hoping – basically wasting your time – for this guy to finally figure it out, see the light, and find that you are the only woman in the world for him. Frankly, ladies, it just does not work that way. (I see from a lot of these posts that many women are doing just exactly this. Ladies, STOP IT!!! You are getting nowhere fast.) When a man is “into you”, he will make it perfectly clear – no interpretation will be needed. He will fall over himself to be with you, cancel appointments, give up his friends, risk life and limb, and basically walk through hell to move heaven and earth for you. Ironically, men who do this tend to scare women away. (Why is that?) A ring? Riiiight! If he could, he would cuff and shackle you because you belong to HIM! A ring is just a polite socially acceptable way to shackle you, is all.
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THIS is what you do: Until you get exactly the relationship you want from a man – ANY man, date. Simple as that. Date. Date every man. Make sure you act like a lady; Make sure they treat you like a lady. Have them open doors for you, and pay for your dinner. Go out with friends. Fill your calendar with plenty of fun things to do. Work extra hours. Take an extra class. Do that yoga thing you’ve always wanted to do. The point is to have a life or at least attempt to make one. When the men see you are available and enjoying the heck out of life, one of them will likely step up and make an offer to be your boyfriend; He will offer a commitment. At this point, you get to make a decision. Do you want to be this guy’s girlfriend, or not? Do you even like the guy? Just because he makes you some kind of offer of commitment doesn’t mean you are required to say yes. There is your power! That’s how it works in today’s “equal rights” society.
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Now many of you have been fed a line or have otherwise fallen for some line of crap that says “If you date all the men, then you are slut.” That’s nonsense! “Dating” is NOT sleeping around. It’s getting to know people. In particular, it’s getting to know men. And as you put yourself out there, you learn better and better how to date, what to look for, what questions to ask (i.e. do NOT ask about old girlfriends, relationships, income, medical status. All that heavy stuff will reveal itself later.) Just be your lady-like self, and above all, HAVE FUN! You want to exude a sense of warm, care free, loveliness. You need to actually FEEL that. Because as you feel it, you telegraph it. And men (plural) will instinctively hone in on that and notice you. Conversely, they’ll hone in one your desperation, bitterness, or anger and be repelled by it. Men may be emotionally dense, but their instincts are pretty accurate.
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Now if the guy you are after happens to see this in you, he’ll be the one most likely to “step up”. Not always – but he is most likely. If he does not step up and make an offer, then it’s just not going to happen. This is something you want to know as soon as possible. The sooner you know it, the sooner you can let this guy go and find the relationship you want.
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My disclaimer: I am NOT a life coach, a dating expert, a psychologist, or a behavior specialist of any kind. I have no credentials that would allow mw to give advice of this kind. If you feel you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed, documented professional in this particular field of study. Best of luck and take care of the self.

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Kathleen July 9, 2013, 7:39 am

John, I thought your advice was good, and I have a question for you. I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months now. I brought up originally where he saw this going and if he saw us being “official” he said, yes, but he was not ready yet due to a past relationship and not wanting to rush into things. I was fine with that and to a degree and still fine with that and moving slow bc I don’t want to make a mistake either. About a week ago he brought it up this time. He said he still was not ready, but he wanted me to know it was definitely heading in that direction. I said I just need to know that is where we are heading even if it does not happen right now. The other night we had another discussion about that and some other stuff aka him being gone all the time to hunting and not making me a priority. He said he did not feel like he was good enough for me although he cared for me, and he wanted to be with me but was scared him being gone alot to hunt would ultimately hurt/end the relationship. Which was a big reason he had not committed yet. We decided to keep on seeing each other and reassess the situation once hunting season had come around full force and see if not talking/seeing him was going to be an issue. My question is do you think this is really the case or is he just using hunting as a cop out bc he does not want to be in a relationship with me, but does not want to hurt me. He basically gave me the option to keep going or to be friends, and we both decided we wanted to keep going, but part of me wonders if he did that to yet again not hurt me but in the end he is ultimately going to end things bc he will put hunting above me.

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John July 9, 2013, 11:52 pm

Hi Kathleen
It’s interesting that you mention hunting in your article. Nearly all men at some level are hardwired with hunting skills and instincts. And, incredibly enough, they play an integral part in relationship – IF you, as the woman, know how to tap into them. Now these are instincts that have been brutally honed into the human male gender on the savanna, on the tundra, and in the jungles over countless eons. These skills are what allow a man to compartmentalize his emotions, put himself in dangerous situations, try unbelievably crazy stunts, and limit him to doing only one thing at a time. They also allow men to chase women. And they LOVE the chase!

Let’s explore hunting a little bit. There is The Search. You gotta go out and actually look for some prey. There is The Stalking. Once you have found your prey, you follow it, understand it, act like it, and watch it, but stay out of its perception. Then there is The Attack. You physically approach or engage the prey. This usually requires a planned, coordinated effort. Finally there is The Kill (The Conquer) followed immediately, and for some time, The Celebration.

The search, stalking and even the attack can be generally wrapped up into a term called The Chase. And this is where a woman can have a distinct advantage in a relationship. You see, the modern woman has been fed a long line of crap when it comes to relationship. For some reason, it has been impressed upon women that they are to have ONE man, and anything that even remotely resembles flirting will label her as a slut. Ironically, those sultry, sexy, playful qualities are exactly what attract men to her, and exactly what men want.

Kathleen, you and nearly all women are hardwired to flirt, play, and present yourself in a way that attracts men. Why do you apply make-up, do your hair, shave your legs, moisturize your skin, wear jewelry, and don clothes that reveal your better qualities? You are making yourself attractive. YOU are the prey. And the trick is to become the prey at the time you need to be the prey. So how do you do that?

The reason your man hunts is because he NEEDS a challenge. He needs to connect or reconnect with the qualities that make him a man. If you as a woman become the prey – not for him exclusively, but for anyone, at least in your mind and in his mind – then you trigger those hunter instincts in the man, make him want to chase you, conquer you and revel in celebration over it.

So here are some ideas you should keep in mind. (I wanted to call them rules, but there really are none.) First, stop lamenting over whether or not this relationship is going where you want it to go. Stop having these conversations with your man unless he really really REALLY wants to talk about it. You are attempting to second guess the man’s decisions, foretell an unknown future, or force him to make decisions he may not be ready to make – which you can NOT do because you cannot force a person, especially a man to do anything.

Stop worrying over whether or not you are HIS first priority. Let me tell you, you are NOT his first priority. That line of thinking is backwards. Instead YOU should be your first priority. Yes, “your man” (he’s not really yours – he’s HIS) is NOT your first priority – YOU are. In fact he should be like maybe . . . number 5 or 7, maybe even 11 on your top-ten list. I don’t mean to say he is not worthy of you, I mean to say you have greater priorities than him.

When your man goes hunting – or goes “distant” as they often do – his away-time becomes your “me-time”. This is when you get to act like a girl. Spice things up! Get yourself beautified and sexified. And most importantly, in your mind, make yourself FEEL like you could have any man in the world. Go out with your girlfriends and totally reconnect with your femininity. Show it off, flaunt and flirt. Make them think they have a chance and just totally lose yourself in your woman-ness, being careful, of course, not to go too far. (“Too far” is intimately physical, but you are an adult. Use your best judgment.) This relieves you of the pressure of maintaining a relationship, it puts the pressure on HIM to chase you (which is what BOTH of you want) AND allows you to have fun at the same time.

Men are emotional idiots, frankly. Oh they have emotions; they just don’t use them, and don’t understand them very well. But their instincts are typically very keen. And they use their instincts without even knowing it. If you understand what those instincts are and how to trigger the ones you want triggered, then the relationship serves itself. And again, you are hard wired to both find and trigger those instincts. Stop trying to force a relationship, stop worrying so much about it, and just be the most womanly self you can be. That’s pretty much all your man wants.

See what’s happening here? You are making yourself “prey”. Not exclusively HIS prey – just prey. And when he sees this it will trigger his hunter instincts and he will chase you. And THIS is where you have the advantage. YOU get to choose who you want to be with. It just so happens this is the guy you want to be with. Lucky HIM! It doesn’t matter if you have a relationship or not. If you make yourself the prey, he will chase. And it will keep the relationship, such that it is, fresh.

Finally some more don’ts: DO NOT chase your man. The worst thing a hunter can encounter is prey that has turned on him. If a hunter is chased, he runs. And if he is chased long enough, he runs off – for good!

DO NOT trap or attempt to trap your man. The only thing worse than a chased hunter is a trapped hunter. He will leave the first opportunity he gets – and it will be very painful. He will PURPOSELY inflict pain in order to make sure he gets his message across: “DO NOT TRAP ME – EVER!!!”

Don’t be so emotional about this relationship. It makes him feel chased, helpless, even. He cannot control your emotions, and again, being an emotional dunce, he doesn’t know how to deal with it. And besides, who wants to be in a relationship with an emotionally distraught person – woman OR man??

Now my disclaimer: I am NOT a psychologist, a behavior specialist, a counselor or a life coach, nor do I have any credentials that would qualify me as such. I am simply a guy on the Internet who has a fascination with relationship and has found an outlet to present his views. If you feel you need professional advice, then please seek it from a licensed qualified professional. Best of luck to you, and as always, take care of the self.

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Maggie July 25, 2013, 6:25 pm

John, I don’t know you and I probably never will, but I’m saving what you said and I’m going to read it every day as a reminder to heed your advice. Thank you.

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confused lady August 6, 2013, 11:31 am

John,

I met this guy off a dating site about 2 months ago. Right off the bat, he said he didn’t want anything serious because he travels a lot for work and never knows how long he will be in one place. However, his company is based out of where I live so if and when work slows down or he finishes a job, he always comes back here…thus he has an apartment by me. He said that I could stay there since he is hardly there.
Anywho, after hanging out with him 2 days, I asked him to go to Atlanta with me for a job interview. He said yes. We had sex for the 1st time the second day there…5 days after we initially met.
About him: he is 25 (im 29). His parents got divorced and he barely ever talks to his mom. He says he only had 2 girlfriends (slept with about 25ppl). At first when I asked how many of those 25 he dated he said only the 2 girlfriends and said 1 other one was close to dating. He then said maybe a few he dated. He says he always leaves them. He says he HATES labels and doesn’t see the point in calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s just a reason to change a facebook status. He also doesnt want to get married or have kids. However, he has slept with women who had kids and the one girlfriend had a kid from someone else and gave birth while they were together. He says pregnant women are not pretty. He says he’s always been a loner and gets along with people older than him. The women he sleeps with have been older than him. Two were former strippers. A few were in troubled relationships or marriages. He also calls all his guy friends buddy instead of by thier names cuz he says since i dont know the people. He takes his phone EVERYWHERE..bathroom, shower, etc and is always on it. He daily communicates with his 1 ex girlfriend and sex partners. he says he remains friends with all of them so why not talk to them. I asked if he misses them and his reply was, “Don’t you miss your friends?” I said I do NOT miss the ones I’ve slept with cuz we are no longer friends and I don’t talk to old sex partners. He is aware that I am jealous of that and not happy he still talks to them. I feel that is why he now sometimes tries to hide it when he gets a message/text/email and replies by either going to the bathroom or waits til i leave the room. However, he still does it in front of me too. He is still on the dating site and talks to chicks but I dont know about what. he says he is not sleeping with anyone else, seeing anyone else or plans to sleep with anyone else. I asked if we are just friends and he replies, “Is that what you think we are?” I say no. So I ask are we dating…and he replies by shrugging his shoulders or not answering. He was at a job for 4 weeks and asked me to visit him 2 times which I did. He is currently at another job site and is there for about 2 1/2 months. He said, “You are invited to come visit me if you want to.” I replied, “Do you want me to come out there? do you want to see me?” He replies, “I’m not going to tell you what to do. You can come out if you want to.” I told him I want to hear him ask me to visit him cuz he wants me there, but he wouldn’t. I still went out there. He says I can stay as long as I want. He does treat. I asked if he asked other girls to travel with him and he said no. I asked if he asked them to move with him up here from maine and florida and he said no cuz they wouldn’t or couldn’t.
We had dinner with his coworkers and boss. He kidded around saying I was a hooker. Awhile later and after a few drinks, he threw bean bags at my head. I started to cry. It got his coworkers mad and the one almost fought him. He told his coworker that is how we play around. 3 days later he told me that was his way of letting me know that he is acknowleding my presence and paying attention to me. I told him that was a crappy way. When we play wrestle he always tosses me to the floor or pushes me off the bed onto the floor. He throws pillows at my head a lot and pokes the sides of my stomach all the time. When I arrived at the hotel he also said, “you are like a lost puppy…following me all over the states.” I said that was crappy to say too. I said I asked if you wanted me out here but you said if i wanted to come out i could so he shouldn’t say that.
He still has naked and graphic pictures and videos of past sex partners. I ask why he still has them and he says he doesnt delete anything and “why not?” I know he has sent a few shirtless pictures (hopefully only shirtless) to past sex partners and at least 1 girl he is currently talking to from that dating site. He smacks my butt a lot and whips me with a towel. i tell him he leaves marks and that it hurts sometimes.
He never compliments me or says sweet, nice, cute things to me. I’ve told him he is handsome and sexy and I like that shirt on him or whatnot. A few times he called me babe, but it was when we were having sex. He has complimented on a past sex partners boobs, butt, body, or sex freakness, but never about me or my body to my face. He says he doesnt like PDA nor buys gifts to show affection. He usually always has me decide what we are going to do that day. He says he doesn’t think about the future or where this is heading…only the moment. He will text me morning everyday I am not with him, but he also texts other ppl morning too everyday. He has said that we get along good though but he must with everyone since he keeps in contact with them, right?

So what should I do? What advice can anyone give me? How do you perceive him and whatever kind of relationship him and I have?

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Anais November 12, 2013, 1:02 pm

Hi John,

Although you aren’t a professional you make a lot more sense than some so-called experts out there and people who are in relationships. I appreciate your inspiring and empowering advice to women, I especially agree with this piece:

“THIS is what you do: Until you get exactly the relationship you want from a man – ANY man, date. Simple as that. Date. Date every man. Make sure you act like a lady; Make sure they treat you like a lady. Have them open doors for you, and pay for your dinner. Go out with friends. Fill your calendar with plenty of fun things to do. Work extra hours. Take an extra class. Do that yoga thing you’ve always wanted to do. The point is to have a life or at least attempt to make one. When the men see you are available and enjoying the heck out of life, one of them will likely step up and make an offer to be your boyfriend; He will offer a commitment. At this point, you get to make a decision. Do you want to be this guy’s girlfriend, or not? Do you even like the guy? Just because he makes you some kind of offer of commitment doesn’t mean you are required to say yes. There is your power! That’s how it works in today’s “equal rights” society.”

YES. That is what I believe in too. As I was saying in another post, instead of focusing on how one guy is a “he just isn’t that into you”, keep on living life and mirror his efforts. You can’t really “lose” if you never invest more in a man than he has invested in you. I don’t find the “he just isn’t that into you” mindset all that empowering because it gives women a feeling of powerlessness “Oh no, this guy doesn’t like me”. You can’t change men but you can experience inspiring more devotion from all men around you by channeling your feminine power, including the “he just isn’t into you” guy sometimes. He’ll often feel inspired to step up further when he sees you can live without him, have options and won’t compromise your time when he isn’t giving you the commitment you want. You can also weed out the guys who will want to be the “girl” i.e. feminine energy partner of the relationship this way. I did the same thing you advocate and had a guy who just wanted some sort of friends with benefits thing with me, while i used to pine for more, want to take me on a “real date”. The funny thing is because of our past history and the fact I realized he wouldn’t be good for me, I no longer had an interest in being anything more than a friend. lol

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Kyndall October 3, 2012, 9:25 am

Ive been seeing a guy for 3 months now. Ive been wondering for awhile why he hasnt asked me to be his gf yet..we both tell each other that we really like one another. We text every single day. Try and spend as much time together which is hard since we go to different school, but because of that we make sure to spend time together on the weekends. He has met my mother but im not sure if his parents even know about me..which also concerns me. Its not like people dont know we are together; there are pictures on fb, twitter, etc. And we have gone out to public places many times and have been seen as a couple. Many people assume that we are dating and are suprised when they ask me if we are dating and i respond no. My friends are always on my case saying “if he really liked you, you guys would be official by now.” First off, those are the friends who have never had a good relationship. But still, their opinion sometimes does get stuck in my head.
We can use yesterday (october 2, 2012) as an example. That was our “3 months.” We spent time together that night as a couple would. He even referred to it as an anniversary like a couple would..but yet he wont make it official.
All my friends just think that he is playing me, using me for sex, etc..the usual. I tell them theres more than that, i can feel it. I think im starting to fall on love with this guy! I have brought up the topic before a few times of “making it official.” He seems like he really doesnt want to talk about it..and i dont want to push him away by keep asking. And i want him to WANT to call me his gf, not feel like hes being forced to..

If someone could respond to this it would help me a lot..i need answers!!! Thank you:-)

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M October 3, 2012, 1:15 pm

Hi Kyndall,
Let me assume that you are a very young lady :-) I figured it out by the tone of your post. I am going to give you few pointers here from the perspective of a 37 yo, “men-seasoned” “elder”. I with try to be brief and to the point.
1. 3 months is not a very long time for young man to make up his mind what exactly he wants from a girl he is seeing (except obvious that all men want)
2. Texting every day might be an overload for him and he might feel that once he commits you are going to be in his face, so to speak. Step aside. Stop texting so much and get a life. Go do your own things, alone or with friends. Do not make yourself so readily available to him.
3. STOP! listening to your friends and friends of the friends, and so on. First of all they do not know what is going on between two of you (unless they sleep with you in the same bed, so to speak).
4. The more you bring this up the more he will withdraw and less likely he will call you his “gf”.
5. You have to make him feel what it is being without you. You are always there for him, you reply to his texts, you have your life revolving around him. his chase is done and he feels at ease. Make him chase you but at the same time do not withdraw from him. Let him know with your actions that even though you enjoy spending time with him, you have your own, separate life and you two are not joined at the hip. men do not like being joined at the hip, the feel caged when that happens, and we, women, are the one to blame for that. feminist revolution gave you many freedoms and choices, enjoy them! Go out by yourself or with friends. Join some club for a hobby (yoga, knitting, fitness, cooking, home improvement, whatever your heart desires), have your own life, separate from his. Not only this will make him chase you and want to closer to you and make you very irresistible in his eyes, you will also gain a lot from it by learning a new skill (or skills), finding new friends and having a rich social life that you can share with him if he would be interested, and if he is really into you, he will be. If he is not, them let him go. men are like trains, there is always another one coming :-)

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M September 25, 2012, 6:25 pm

I am in the situation where guy asked me if I would be his gf about 2,5 month after dating. We were seeing each other few times/week, going out, doing things, introducing each other to our close friends and he just asked me one morning. My reaction? I hid my head under a pillow. Then I emerged from under that pillow and said “yes”. he had a worried look on his face when I showed up from under the pillow and asked me what was that all about. I mumbled something… I have conflicting feelings about it. I do want to be his gf and be introduced as one. However I feel that perhaps I agreed a bit too son. My past negative experiences created lots of fear inside me and now I am very much afraid. Afraid to be taken for granted, afraid to be expected to act like an official gf, afraid of many things. I know that to many women, who wish their guy would ask them to be his gf after 2 months, my situation might sound ridiculous, but I am truly in the middle between my different feelings about this and do not know how to handle it. I feel like backtracking would be childish and immature “I know I told you yes, but now I am not sure” but perhaps there is some other way to deal with this and talk to him without making him feel like I am withdrawing. I am not! Just have conflicting feelings

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John September 26, 2012, 10:13 pm

Hi M. You know, if you have any conflicting feelings – any at all – about commitment, then don’t commit. Your feelings are screaming at you “DON’T DO IT!” You should not ignore that.
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So what do you do now? Yeah, you do pretty much what you just said. You need to apprach him like an adult and tell him exactly what you want and why. If he respects you, he’ll do what you ask. If he acts childish about then, your first impressions about having a commtted relationship with this guy were correct.
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Personally I’d say something like this: “When you asked me to be your girlfriend, you may recall I hid under the pillow. You caught me completely off guard, and I really did not know how to answer. I said ‘yes’ in a fit of spontenaety, and now that I have had a chance ot think about it, I feel I may have jumped the gun. I really do not want to be an ‘official girlfriend.’ Instead, I’d like to back up to a just one or two minutes before you asked me to be your girlfriend and take it from there. I enjoy your company and I like being with you, but I think being your offcial girlfriend right now is too much too soon.”
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See where he goes with it from there. Best of luck. Take care of the self.

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M October 3, 2012, 12:50 pm

Thank you for your reply, John. Funny but my now bf’s name is John too :-) I did some more thinking about it after I posted here and now and decided t go with it. I feels good and although I still have fears about it, i think that overcoming those fears is my and my only challenge. I have been hurt many times, and I have to truly move on past all that hurt. i think if I am going to continue dragging it along I will not have a clear shot at a relationship. I think fears need to be abandoned. Now, the reason i was feeling not sure about this whole situation is because he clearly stated that he was planning to leave the area we live in right now. He lived in this area for 3 years and does not feel happy about it. He prefers small towns while I prefer large urban areas. I encouraged him to do what he thinks is right for him and will make him happy. Because no one can make us happy except ourselves. This is my firm believe. I hold on to the saying “if you love someone , let them go. If they come back, they were always yours, if they do not, they never were.” So… I decided to dive into this even though I understand that it might come to an end if he decides to split. But the hopeless romantic inside me have high hopes :-) Thanks for the wishes of luck, John, as I will sure it it!

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ana August 30, 2012, 12:08 pm

Wow i’ve been through that situation. Right at this moment i’m in a relationship but at the same time i’m not, i know it might sound a little confusing but ill explain why, i’ve been in this relationship for nine month now, everything was so perfect till recently that we’ve been having ups and downs, when he first took me to meet his parents we bonded so well that it was hard to believe, everything started though after his mother started telling me how she didn’t trust no man cause of all the things they made her go through ect…one day my boyfriend asked me if it was ok with me if he went out with his friends to have a couple of drinks so i told him ok cause i never want him to think i want to control his life nor i want him to think that i don’t trust him, that same night we had an argument before he left, hours pass and i was worried cause he wasn’t home yet, i tell his mom that his not home yet and i was worried, her answer was “maybe he’s with another woman” i got so upset with the comment and she told me “i’m sorry is that i went through so much in my old relationships that i don’t trust no man at all not even on my own sons”. when she told me that i started feeling devastated, i started crying, i got depress and ever since then thats when the arguments between us started. After that every time he goes out with his friends i always ask him where he’s going out and with who, i can’t believe it has gotten to this. Now yesterday while he was at work we was arguing through text and i told him “you have to start treating me different cause i’m your girlfriend not just any chick you met in the street” and his reply was “technically i never said we was back together but just went with the flow…not saying i don’t wanna be with you…but you be crying over nothing for real”. that really hurt me so much, but yet he gets mad when i go out and he starts with his gealousy and starts calling me none stop. I really don’t know what to do or what to think no more :( .

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John August 30, 2012, 4:49 pm

It’s actually pretty simple Ana. He cannot have it both ways. If he “never technically said” you two were a couple, then technically, you can go out with whomever you damned well please. Period. He doesn’t like you going out with other people? Well that’s just too bad. Do not let his emotions shame you into giving him his cake and allowing him to eat it too. Either you ARE a couple or you are NOT. It only takes one of you declare that you are NOT a couple; It takes BOTH of you to declare a relationship exists between you.
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He gets mad when you go out because that puts him on the spot. He knows that if he does not want you to go out, then he is going to have to work for your love and for your dedication by committing to you. So instead of actually “working” for you and “earning” your good graces – which is hard to do and it should be – he’s trying to shame you into getting his way with you. He may not be ready to commit, and that’s okay. But if he is not ready to commit, then he has no claims on you, and he has no right to get angry for you living the life you want to live.
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What ever you do, don’t you dare tolerate a situation or relationship that you do not like or are otherwise not comfortable with. There are WAAAAY to many men out there who would be happy to call you “girlfriend” and commit to you in the way you want and deserve. The best way to find that man is to date. Date them all, give them all a chance, and make sure they know you are dating. (I said “date”, not “sleep with”. There is a BIG difference.) Eventually, one of them is going to determine that he has what it takes to be your man, and he will step up. At that point, YOU get to decide if you want him or not. See what kind of power you really have? These are not the Dark Ages. You have rights, you are emancipated, and you have say-so in your life, so take advantage of all that.
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This isn’t a chore, Ana. It’s actaully a fun time if you do it right. Let these guys – MAKE them – treat you like a lady, take you to dinner, to movies, miniature golf, whatever. The point is to enjoy yourself, enjoy your life and and all it has to offer.
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Disclaimer: I am not a relationship specialist, psychotherapist, or behavior scientist of any kind. I have no credentials that would qualify me to give advice like this. If you think you need help with your situation, then seek a licensed, qualified professional to give you the help you need. Best of luck, and take care of the self.

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ana August 31, 2012, 7:46 am

Hey John, thank you so much for your advice, and you are right about everything you said and i think that’s what am gonna do. I’ve been trying to put all my effort on this what it seems that everything i do is not enough, is been twice i walked out on him cause of the way he talks to me now and treats me and in fact it also got fisical at one time cause i had a feeling something was going on and i found a txt msg with another female, when i confronted him about it thats when it got fisical, he claimed that its a friend but till this day i don’t believe him, every time i leave he goes and gets me back and i come back like an idiot knowing how lately he’s been treating me. what i don’t understand is why does he have a facebook page and have pictures of us two together and says that we are in a relationship, but yet when we are together he treats me like we are not. I’ve cry myself to sleep for this man and i truly love him but i feel like i’m done with all this, i’ve been to good and i don’t deserve this. Thank u John for your advise :)

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Sue August 27, 2012, 3:09 am

My problem is that I’m to in love with this guy!!! When we texts he calls me his sweetheart his babe his baby his heart everything I’ve wanted this guy to tell me since the beginning he even said he loved me!! We say it to each other like very second! We aren’t official tho! Nd I’m confused because he has had girlfriends none of them lasted long or at least the ones I know about! Yes we’re in high school but he says I’m the love of his life and he wants us to go beyond high school sweethearts and get married and raise a family in the future… He talks about us being a family but he never has officially asked me out! I can’t tell my friends because they think he’s just messing with my head so r we official or what!?

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John August 27, 2012, 10:51 am

Sue, the short answer is, he’s messing with your head. I am going to give you the same advice any other adult would give: Stay in school. Graduate from high school. Go to college. Get a degree in either the legal, medicine, or engineering indusrties. That degree will serve you for the rest of your life because these industries are SCREAMING for young women to fill non-traditional work roles.
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I know it seems like the world to you right now, but you are far too young to be giving up your life to relationship, marriage, boys (or men), having children, starting a family, acquiring debt, and all those other paralyzing activities. Your salvation does not lie with those those things; It lies in education, a solid career, building a retirement, building a reputation among your industrial peers, acquiring asset such as a house, a financial “nest egg”, a modest car, and other property, perhaps some rental property.
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You have the rest of your life to devote to a family, children, a man, if that’s what you want to do. But don’t be to hasty. Experience the world first. You can’t do that when you have another diaper to change, another bill to pay, and teyh house needs to be cleaned again.
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This guy you are talking about? There a thousand more just like him, probably in your home town, if not the next town over. If you don’t believe me, peruse a major on-line dating site. Look for men between the ages of 18 and 29 in a large city, say Denver or Phoenix. You won’t have enough time to look at them all.
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You are young, Sue. Enjoy it while you got it. Best of luck to you, my dear.

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amu July 19, 2012, 5:59 pm

violette – i think it sounds like he likes you but isn’t over the last girl. just give him a chance to warm up to the idea and keep being a friend. good luck :)

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marie June 23, 2012, 6:25 pm

I am glad a found this site, it has given me a better understanding of the reasons not to push someone for a lable of G/F if they do not want to give you that title. I know the important thing to focus on is if and how the relationship you have is meeting or not meeting your needs. I always seem to sobatage my relationships one way or the other, I need to stop and think of what I really want, which honestly at times I am not even sure. I think I have messed things up with the guy I am currently seeing, by pushing for a definition of our relationship even though things were going really well. I gues as women we want that title and reasurance so as not to feel vulnerable or rejected by the person you love and do not want to lose.

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Crystal June 18, 2012, 4:33 pm

There has to be Pros and Cons of being patient on making a commitment. I’d rather not rush into things but as time goes by and there are feelings involved then the two need to start being on the same page. How long is TOO long when dating without a title??? Everyone is different. If someone likes you but wants to take time to make sure your the right one and only one then respect it as long as they respect you. I think you’ll know if it’s just BullS**t and your wasting your time.

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Violette June 15, 2012, 3:26 am

Hi. I only just recently told a guy friend I’ve known for two and a half years that I like him. I’m in highschool btw. We are really close, and he has shown me absolutely every sign that he cares about me, but there’s one problem. He can’t decide his feelings. He has been in a relationship and had his heart broken before, and what makes it worse is the fact that the girl who did said heart breaking was in the exact same grade as me. Recently he told me he still has issues that way, along with some emotion problems relating to diabetes and doesn’t know if he can trust liking someone again. He told me that he wouldn’t tell me what he thought of me, because at the moment he said he has a lot of mental ‘paperwork’. So we decided to stay friends for now. Just yesterday I invited him to my house to watch some dvds with me and a couple of other friends in a few weeks. He literally jumped at the chance. He always stares at me a lot and smiles, we have really long eye contact. Most of the time he offers me his hand to get up at the end of lunch, and he hugs me alot. Is there a chance that he might come around? Could this work out ?? He is really important to me, and I genuinly care for him. Btw I’m 16 and he’s 15. Please reply, anything would be helpful! :)

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Emilie May 1, 2012, 7:53 pm

I met this guy in my class a few years ago and during those years we gotten to know each other a little better. Well, after a few years of holding back feelings, I decided to tell him reasons of why I think he’s amazing and that I like him. He felt the same way and said that I am an important part of his life, but wasn’t ready for a relationship. Said that he had so much to figure out in his life, he didn’t like his job and he was still trying to figure himself out after a bad breakup. I understood and we continued to see each other and the feelings start to progress, I tried to hold back from wanting something more and just enjoying the relationship for what it is, we were doing fine until one night, he asked me if I still talk to my ex and I told him I was because he worked in the same building as me so I do cross him from time to time… that statement I guess didn’t sit well with him and so he began to get a little upset. Of course, that made me upset because he isn’t my boyfriend, so why get mad at what I’m doing? I was only being honest and I reassured him that I like him and want him. So now I don’t know what to make of it or where he stands? I haven’t heard from him in a few days. Just frustrates me that he got upset with what I’m doing, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Please help me understand.

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John August 9, 2012, 6:49 pm

Hi Emilie. As I read your post I couldn’t help but think that your guy is looking for an excuse to fail. And he may have found one in the fact that you still talk to your ex. That’s pretty lame because 1) like you said, the two of you aren’t really in a relationship, and 2) it’s pretty chincy of him to use THAT as an excuse. If this is the case, then this guy is somewhat of a jerk and he doesn’t deserve you, and probably never did. I mean, in what way could a man who WANTS to fail deserve the ultimate treasure that you are? YOU did the right things, my dear, so don’t be hard on yourself. You were honest, you communicated, and you weren’t in a relationship with this guy in the first place. If he is having a problem – whatever it might be – then it’s HIS problem, he’ll deal with it, and don’t even try to help him with it. What do you need to understand? Nothing. Seriously. Let him go have a good pout or whatever. If his fickle self can’t man up and stake a confident claim on you, then he is simply not the man for you. Go out, my dear. Date. Enjoy all that life has to offer. If he ever decides he wants to take you as his girl, then he MAY be allowed to come back to you on your terms, not his.

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YACHEN LI February 1, 2012, 10:29 pm

Hi,everyone. I fell in love with someone twice deeply. I was heartbroken twice, I almost wanted to stop my life ever. So, I really scared consider startting a serious relationship with my present dating guy. I just want to enjoy the process instead of focusing on the future. I am the girl who already planned life out, which never invlove my partner. Why couldn’t we just start a romantic relationship and enjoy the process being each other, and try to offer things you will learn from each other? That is much happier and will protect our girl from hurtting again, right?

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Hannah January 28, 2012, 8:46 pm

A lot of what you were saying here I definitely can identify with. In every encounter I’ve had with a guy within the past 3 years, I have always felt like the ‘guy.’ I’m a pretty friendly person and I believe every person deserves a chance. So a guy gathers the courage to ask me out, I agree. We go on a couple-few dates, they start wanting to see me more and then I get freaked out and pull away. I ignore their texts, won’t make time to see them and they’ll either get the hint and drop it or pull closer, hoping for more.
And even when I did meet a guy that I could see myself being with… I’d get even more freaked out by the feelings I felt. I started seeing this guy who had gone thru a break up very recently. I started falling for him– very fast. All the rules and ‘playing hard to get’ that I normally attested to flew out the window and I found myself feeling very vulnerable. Although I was falling for him, I made absolute sure that he had no idea. I made every effort to see him and make time for him and answered all of his texts– but when we were together I had to try so unbelievably hard to hide my feelings from him because I knew we weren’t officially ‘a couple’, I was probably a rebound, and my feelings probably would have been rejected. One night he was hitting on some chick right in front of me, and I just snapped. Although I still really liked him I decided to cut ties with him completely, realizing the hold he had on me and the power a person can have over you if your feelings for them are strong.
The length I went to to cut ties with him was rather extreme– I wiped his entire external hard drive he had lent me and replaced it with pictures of nude men. Keep in mind, I felt very rejected and used, and at the time I felt he deserved it. But more so I did it because I knew there would be no way of rekindling the relationship because of how angry he would be when he found out. It was a way of defending myself against the possibility of being hurt by him again. He wouldn’t want anything to do with me and because of that I could move on.
Yep, we’ve all got our issues!

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Cindu January 19, 2012, 3:31 am

Wow this is a real eye opener to hear that so many people are in the same boat as me!
ok so ive been “seeing” this guy for 3 months now. we go out on a date once a week and have a great time together but i still feel like his keeping me at arms length here. I really like him and yet he hasnt brang up the “where is this going conversation” . He also never includes me or invites me out with his friends or when he goes clubbing. And he only makes little effort to see me once a week, when i would like to see him more. is he just stringing me along? im thinking to just tell him that im not happy with this situation ? any advice ?? thankss

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MJ May 22, 2012, 10:42 pm

Hey , I’m going through the exact same thing : ( it’s driving me insane, i’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months and we talk every single day , he says he can’t fall asleep without talking to me, and we’ve made out twice, but he said it just happened in the moment. I dunno what to think about the whole situation, he insists on calling me babe and darling but when someone asks if we are going out, he says no. sometimes I just feel used somehow. Dont know what to do about it either :(

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Katarina Phang October 6, 2012, 10:21 pm

No string-along there, gal. Just live your life to the fullest: date other guys till he claims you.

Don’t make it more complicated than it should be. It is your problem to dwell on it and ask for meaning when it is clear what it is: he’s just happy seeing you once a week and that’s it.

You are a free single woman, so act like one.

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Tori January 1, 2012, 9:05 pm

I wanted to get some opinions… I’ve been dating this guy for nearly a year now but we have no title. It is the one topic that will eventually come up at some point (mostly due to me being angry about it) and it causes a huge fight. His reasons are that at the beginning of our relationship I was to gabby with my friends and they knew too much and he wants to keep our relationship between us and not everyone and that he doesn’t like having a title. Also, a girl he dated in high school he called his “girlfriend” and it didn’t turn out well. We aren’t dating other people or anything else. We’re completely committed to each and we’re so in love, but still in the back of my mind I’m insecure because we can’t simply call me his girlfriend. It also doesn’t help that my sisters and friends are constantly on my case about it, which usually causes me to rethink everything and get angry. I really don’t know what to do because what we have it great but it still bothers me :( HELP!

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John October 7, 2012, 11:16 pm

Hi Ladies – I’ve noticed a recurring theme these posts. It goes kinda like this: “I have been seeing this guy for {X amount of time}. We have a lot of fun together when we see each other. He says {nice, sweet, fun things like “I love you”, “you are special to me” – whatever}. He does {nice, sweet, fun things like take me to dinner, meet his family, opens the door for me – whatever}. We have been intimate. For instance we have {made out, felt each other’s “junk”, seen each other naked, had sex – whatever}. We talk, text, email, communicate all the time. But no matter what happens, he won’t call me his girlfriend, he won’t commit to me, he makes me feel insecure, – whatever. I don’t know what to do, it doesn’t make sense, I can’t figure him out, my world is a mess – whatever. Please help”
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Here is your “help”: You cannot control what another person does and that includes men. There is nothing to figure out, nothing to understand, nothing you can do to make this guy give you the relationship you think you want. This type of “problem” is prolific, across time and across the world. You may be familiar with lore where a woman is so desperate to have a man fall in love with her that she gives up something precious in return. Think “The Little Mermaid”, for instance.
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This is what you DON’T do: Do not hang around waiting, wishing, hoping – basically wasting your time – for this guy to finally figure it out, see the light, and find that you are the only woman in the world for him. Frankly, ladies, it just does not work that way. (I see from a lot of these posts that many women are doing just exactly this. Ladies, STOP IT!!! You are getting nowhere fast.) When a man is “into you”, he will make it perfectly clear – no interpretation will be needed. He will fall over himself to be with you, cancel appointments, give up his friends, risk life and limb, and basically walk through hell to move heaven and earth for you. Ironically, men who do this tend to scare women away. (Why is that?) A ring? Riiiight! If he could, he would cuff and shackle you because you belong to HIM! A ring is just a polite socially acceptable way to shackle you, is all.
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THIS is what you do: Until you get exactly the relationship you want from a man – ANY man, date. Simple as that. Date. Date every man. Make sure you act like a lady; Make sure they treat you like a lady. Have them open doors for you, and pay for your dinner. Go out with friends. Fill your calendar with plenty of fun things to do. Work extra hours. Take an extra class. Do that yoga thing you’ve always wanted to do. The point is to have a life or at least attempt to make one. When the men see you are available and enjoying the heck out of life, one of them will likely step up and make an offer to be your boyfriend; He will offer a commitment. At this point, you get to make a decision. Do you want to be this guy’s girlfriend, or not? Do you even like the guy? Just because he makes you some kind of offer of commitment doesn’t mean you are required to say yes. There is your power! That’s how it works in today’s “equal rights” society.
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Now many of you have been fed a line or have otherwise fallen for some line of crap that says “If you date all the men, then you are slut.” That’s nonsense! “Dating” is NOT sleeping around. It’s getting to know people. In particular, it’s getting to know men. And as you put yourself out there, you learn better and better how to date, what to look for, what questions to ask (i.e. do NOT ask about old girlfriends, relationships, income, medical status. All that heavy stuff will reveal itself later.) Just be your lady-like self, and above all, HAVE FUN! You want to exude a sense of warm, care free, loveliness. You need to actually FEEL that. Because as you feel it, you telegraph it. And men (plural) will instinctively hone in on that and notice you. Conversely, they’ll hone in one your desperation, bitterness, or anger and be repelled by it. Men may be emotionally dense, but their instincts are pretty accurate.
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Now if the guy you are after happens to see this in you, he’ll be the one most likely to “step up”. Not always – but he is most likely. If he does not step up and make an offer, then it’s just not going to happen. This is something you want to know as soon as possible. The sooner you know it, the sooner you can let this guy go and find the relationship you want.
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My disclaimer: I am NOT a life coach, a dating expert, a psychologist, or a behavior specialist of any kind. I have no credentials that would allow mw to give advice of this kind. If you feel you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed, documented professional in this particular field of study. Best of luck and take care of the self.

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Celia December 19, 2011, 6:17 pm

I am so glad I came across this article. I have been “seeing” and “talking” to a guy for about a month and a half now. We do all the boyfriend/girlfriend type things. He texts me everyday, calls me numerous times throughout the day even on his way to work in the morning and when he gets off work, and we hang out almost everyday and on the weekends. He has introduced me to his parents and his children. We both agreed we would not be dating or messing around with other people. Even so, he won’t call me his girlfriend but says I’m his “one and only girl”…is that not te same thing as being his girlfriend? I kind of got stuck on the issue for about a week. I’ve been used in the past and am not up for it again. Therefore, his last relationship was a pretty painful one for him and maybe he is just afraid of being hurt again….but aren’t we all afraid of that? Reading this article has made me realize that whatever happens between us will happen. It’s great so far and we both really like being around each other and have fun together. Maybe it will develop into more…guess time will tell. Until then, I’m going to relax and just go with it!

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Marissa November 20, 2011, 1:45 pm

No. Do not waste your time. Men are simple. If they want to talk to you, they’ll talk to you. If they want to hang out with you, they’ll hang out with you. And if they want to date you, they’ll date you. The beauty in men is that you do NOT have to analyze their every word, and making lame excuses about their past is garbage. We all have pasts, we’ve all been hurt, and if they haven’t moved on by now then they are selfish enough to be stringing you along, then they do not care about you like they should. Get out ASAP because it will NOT change. Ladies…He’s Just Not That Into You. I’m sorry.

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Lady Pink September 26, 2011, 1:57 pm

Sabrina, you sound just like me. I recently got out of a relationship that lasted almost a decade. I was only 18 and was 27 when I finally cut it off. Consequently, I am very reluctant to start another relationship or allow myself to “fall” for someone. Nevertheless, I have been “seeing” someone for the last 5 months, and yes, I enjoy him very much. However, I also enjoy the freedom we have to do what we please with no jealousy or resentment attached. We talk just about every day, and we see each other when we can. But, we have an understanding when it comes to our lack of exclusiveness. Frankly, I do not understand why people are quick to rush into relationships. Two or three months in is extremely early to be serious with someone. I mean, you barely know them! It would take me at least a year of “seeing” someone before I could even fathom commitment. Funny thing is that when you go on with your life and you do not put out a vibe of dependency on your partner (especially if it’s a guy), it gives them space to realize how much they enjoy your company. You gotta give the man space women!!

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harneet September 23, 2011, 7:36 am

hi i am going through the same .my so called bf and i have been 2gather for almost a year now .we have known each other for 5years .he says he deeply cares about me but does not want any lables on .he broke up with his gf just before we satarted going out.its been almost a year and its getting frusturating .i have asked him repeatdly why does not he want be in relstionship he says the same stuff again and again and we both end up getting angry by the end of it …he goes into his shell and stops talking.i love him deeply i want to know wat i should do?how should i talk to him ?how long am i suppose to wait for him ?
what if he stays like this always?plzzzz help..:(

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Kate September 8, 2011, 5:40 pm

Hmmm….Well this article definitely puts things in a different perspective. I know i shouldn’t pester but it just hurts. OMG my “friend” said to relax and just let things happen..stop watching the clock…..and things will work out. lol….Here’s what I think: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back its yours. I doesn’t, then it was never meant to be….

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Betty September 3, 2011, 11:48 pm

I’m kind of going through the same thing, but a little different. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years, with “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” labels and commitment and everything. It was a real relationship and everything was amazing. But then 3 months ago, he dropped a bomb on me and says all of a sudden that he doesn’t want a relationship. To this day, I still do not understand exactly why or what happened, considering we were so happy for so long. He had just graduated from college, and I think he is being pressured by his parents to start his career (and feel I may be a distraction or something), which unfortunately he hasn’t much luck with yet. He keeps saying he has “personal” stuff and “family issues” going on, but he won’t be more specific. The past 3 months have been a roller coaster of emotions. We still hang out, and pretty much act like we are a couple in almost every way. We were even being affectionate and stuff up until a few weeks ago. But it was too hard to do everything a couple does and not be in a relationship, so we are trying to hang out as “friends” for right now, with not kissing or anything like that. He says his feelings for me haven’t changed, he still loves and cares for me, and he’s not interested in seeing anyone else. It just sucks because I feel like all I can do is wait for him to come around.

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Trisha September 22, 2013, 5:12 pm

Don’t wait for him. If you do, he’ll think you’ll be around when he wants you back and that might take a long time and you will suffer. As soon as you let HIM go and start dating other men and he thinks he’s gonna lose you, he will either commit or walk. You can only take care of yourself.

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FoxxyLady August 31, 2011, 10:12 am

Its been a year since I posted on this and i can say that patience has got me the results i wanted. As i had mentioned earlier i was seeing this guy and he was not ready to commit but after talking to him and making him understand my intentions, we finally agreed to have a relationship. Do not pressure the guy but make sure he knows what you want and also understand what he wants before going too deep into the relationship.

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Ebony August 30, 2011, 11:17 am

Sorry, but this is all a crock. Take your pick of someone’s reason for not wanting a title. Whether they have baggage from a previous relationship, are still recovering from a broken heart, or are truly just stringing you along to keep their options open, none of the reasons are good, not one. The only option you have is to leave.

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anon September 21, 2011, 10:20 am

Agreed. If the guy truly likes you, he’d want to be in a real relationship with you from the start. Waiting and being patient isn’t going to change anything.

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victoria December 5, 2011, 1:04 pm

that not true though cuz ive had guys call me their girlfriend from the start and we got into things quick and it didnt work out like 2-4 months anyway.. id rather have the guy be honest and tell me he doesnt want that label than label us and break my heart. i wish people would stop thinking there was a certain way to go about things to assure anything. THERE IS NOT

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mar February 2, 2012, 3:50 am

i agree victoria, i been dating this guy for 6 months he calls me his and he tells me his mine but he isnt ready for the relationship label, he got off a 8 years relationship about a year ago and also has a son. i adore him and his son i want to be part of this life but i understand that he has trust issues since his girlfriend at the time cheated on him with 4 diff people. So with that been said i prefer staying with him and showing him im going to be there for him even without the tittle than moving on to someone who will call me his girlfriend and probably either cheat on me or not. Im sorry ladies who will disagree with me but good things are woth their time and the best thing in a relationship is showing someone that you will give them your time, patience and understanding.

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O July 19, 2011, 4:35 pm

I’m glad I found this article. I’ve been “seeing” this guy for 6 months. from the very beginning i knew that we were both attracted to eachother, but then i activley pursued him and then began to ask him to define our growing relationship (3 months into it) and explicitly state where we stand. in the very beginning, he said he wanted to “take things slow” and he would only contact me via text and phone in the evenings…which prompted crazy behavior and insecurity on my end. i was moving at a lightening pace and wanted him to know that i wanted more from him. for the past two months, i’ve made more of an effort to relax and have not brought up “us” too frequently and i’ve noticed that he is the one who now initiates all contact with me and we spend a lot more time together. at least two week days and usually the entire weekend. i’ve been introduced to his family and close friends. when we spend time together he is very intimate (holding my hand, touching my face, leaning for kisses,etc.), he tells me i am “his” and that i know that he is not seeing anyone, and neither am i. yet i have not been introduced as his girlfriend to his family (who has told me that he never brings women to meet them, and infact aside from me he has only met one other “girlfriend.” which brings me some solace. however, there are times when i feel that after 7 months i deserve to know that i am more to him and that he should be saying something about exclusivity and that i am his “girlfriend.” all of the signs point toward a serious relationship, but as most women i need him to tell me to bring me more security. after reading this article, i’m going to try to relax, enjoy our time, keep my options open, and see where things fall.

any feed back is appreciated. i still want to know if this guy is stringing me along. i’m really confused. i like him a lot but i do not want to play myself.

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AD July 11, 2011, 4:22 am

I tried to email but it didn’t work.

In the beginning I started hanging out with a friend as study buddies but feeling developed, I guess he sensed it after a month or 2 and he pulled me aside at a party and told me that he was talking to someone and hopes we can still be friends and hope that nothing would change between us. So we kept on doing our everyday thing we would go to the library after our night classes and study till midnight and get food and he’d walk me back home. After a while instead of going back to my place we would go to his eat and watch tv and I would stay the night. He would sleep on the futon and I would sleep on the bed. A little farther down the road we would hang out during the day, get lunch together, and just watch hulu and what not on our laptops together at his place. Then one day he just hops in bed with me one night after a party at his place we were both kind of drunk. Woke up in the morning and act like it never happened. But after that he always slept in the bed with me and a little farther down the road we would cuddle and hold hands when I would sleep over. One day I went with him to a banquet and that night we ended up hooking up. Whenever anyone asks us if we were going out i would just kinda follow his lead and say no we were not. Later on he would hold hands with me outside but not when our friends are around and also began kissing each other. I ended up losing my apartment, he helped me move out, and let me stayed at his place for a while. He had a few of his friends over one night and they heard me talking and asked if I was his girlfriend and he said no, that was about 5 months ago. Later he helps me move into my new place and he goes with me everywhere but we both live in different city’s, he tries to see me as often as he can but he’s working 40+ hours a week now. But recently when we were hanging out where I grew up he would hold my hand in public, kiss me in public, even just hold me in line in public when my friends would be around but still he doesn’t consider me his girlfriend. He would also occasionally stay at my place and he has met my parents. Last week we went to an amusement park the whole time when we walked around he would hold my hand and he was the one who “initiated” a kiss. I was just glad to be with him and because we barely get to see each other he told me that he just feels better when im around and misses that im gone most of the time now because of the distance and schedules. It’s been been 5 months since he started even showing some intrest in me. Should I wait for him or just move on to someone else? If I should stay should I bring up how I feel? and If I do how what should I say? I really enjoy being around him but I can’t stop thinking about this at night.

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Mb July 1, 2011, 4:37 pm

Karen,

Leave him, and stay gone until he pulls his balls out of his purse and is a man about shit. I dealt with this same situation for FIVE years, and I got screwed in the end. And the ONLY thing I wish had happened is me wishing I had stayed away from him until he was man enough to make up his damned mind. You dont deserve to be strung along. If you want something you want it. Youre not confused, uuu just know. Love yourself to be with someone who KNOWS and can ADMIT that they want YOU.

Best of luck, and love,
Mb

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Karen July 1, 2011, 3:15 pm

I’m actually going through this now. I love him so much. Its been over a year and he’s still confused on what he wants. we stopped talking for about a month… started back and thing are the same. His ex is still in love with him and he says he’s in love with both of us. He doesn’t talk to her as much but still…. Th ething is is that i really think he’s confused. If he wanted to be with me or her he could be. So what do i do? Just try to Move on? Continue to be patient? Make him choose? I’m so confused… I guess either way i’m hurting myself. i just hate that he hads control over my emotions. I am really in love with him. If he asked me to marry him right now, i would say yes. I want us to work out. What do i do?? Please help!

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Little miss M June 27, 2011, 9:53 pm

It’s amazing how many of us go through the same thing, here I was thinking I was the only one in the situation! What you said, and what Eric said, both were great takes. I can honestly say it changed my perspective, and I hope now to be more patient with my guy. Though I have been for a VERY long time, and I have said this to myself before, in fact, it is what I have been doing… But I guess if I have come this far, a little more time won’t hurt? Now I know what I need to do in this “little more time”, thanks to the articles. I need to not mention it, I have before, and I like that Eric said, “Once is more than enough, trust me”. It is so great to have a male, and a females opinion. I am very glad I found this website! Thank you!

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Miss Michelle June 8, 2011, 2:55 am

As much as I would like to agree that “it takes time” and that “people need time” blah blah excuse after excuse, my heart is broken from a previous relationship etc. DONT WASTE YOUR TIME WAITING. I have been there, done it and IT SUCKS because NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. If you are looking for a title and its been four months and he is still reluctant to treat you with the RESPECT and TITLE of a girlfriend then LEAVE. Do not do what I did and waste nearly two years of your life with someone who, to be quite frank, doesn’t appreciate you like you deserve. By allowing him to not give you a title or convey that you are SPECIAL to him when he is with his friends means that he is self absorbed and perhaps even a coward. Any man who truly cares about you wants his friends to know that you are special to him, trust me. Furthermore, it is absolutely selfish of him to CONTINUE to date you when you have expressed that you are looking for a title. Find a guy who LOVES you, and is not willing to string you along because he cares more about how he feels and what he needs to be happy. Find someone who meets your needs and NEVER settle for anything less. A healthy relationship is give and take and if you are giving too much back away. Pleaseplesaeplease, do not stay in a relationship where your needs are being neglected. You will regret it and most of all, miss out on amazing guys who want to treat you right.

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Tregirl November 1, 2011, 6:37 pm

I agree, this is the best response that I’ve read so far. It’s not like we’re children or teenagers anymore. The older you get, the quicker you know what you DO and DO NOT want from a relationship. I truly believe that if you’re dating someone for 3 months or more and they’re ‘not sure’ if they want exclusivity with you then it just becomes a huge waste of time and a long list of excuses. Seriously. Men (and some women) will say whatever they need to keep the relationship going without giving you what you really want. So you may get a phone call here, a text there and go out every now and then….and that may be just enough to give you hope of the relationship becoming exclusive. I say, once you hit 3 or 4 months and you’re not getting what you want, just walk away….unless of course you have nothing else better to do and waste your time. I’ve been there before and I understand that some people need time but it is so swrong to string people along for selfish reasons. Seriously.

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Becca May 29, 2011, 1:37 pm

The way I see it, is that if a guy can’t commit to calling you his girlfriend then it probably means he doesn’t care about you enough to keep you around. If he did, then why would he risk losing you to someone else by not giving it a title? If you’ve been acting like you’re together for two months and you haven’t gotten the girlfriend title yet, get out! It will hurt to end things but not as bad if you try holding on longer in hopes that things will change. Trust me they wont change. And don’t try giving an ultimatum either. Don’t be like ” If you cant call me your girlfriend then I’m going to leave” Because if that by chance works on him, the relationship will just be doomed anyway because you pressured him into it.

Just make a clean break and move on. Maybe someday down the line he will be ready, but he definitely isn’t right now. And seriously, do you really even want to be in a relationship with a guy that doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend? That is the worst kind of heartache to want to be with someone that doesn’t want you back. Go out there and find a guy that loves you for you and will call you his girlfriend when the feeling is right.

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Emi May 3, 2011, 1:47 pm

Wow. Amazing advice. But now what!? I have been dating my guy for 9 months.. and your RIGHT i have got to stop badgering him. But I am in pain. I cry all the time, I mean this really hurts me. Him not acknowledging us as boyfriend and girlfriend when I feel SOOOOOOO strongly towards him is Killing me. So I shut up and deal with it and wait it out but how? I feel SO much anger building up towards him and its starting to push me away, this situation just freaking sucks!

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Lo April 19, 2011, 9:32 pm

I am in a situation where the guy won’t call me his girlfriend…and I even think I was afraid to call him my boyfriend much for the same reason as you mentioned (which I didn’t realize until reading this). So one day when we were casually talking about relationships after a few weeks of dating, I said the same BS about how I don’t think its necessary to put a label on a relationship. For a couple months of dating we did things that bf/gf do and his friends actually thought we were bf/gf when I met them. He also mentioned that he had feelings for me and did want me to be his GF but he was “weary”. I reciprocated the feelings and although I was thinking I want him to be my BF, I didn’t say it for fear of pushing him away since he didn’t directly ask me to be his gf. I decided to bring it up again a couple weeks later by saying that I had something on my mind. Before I could begin he said he that he had somethings on his mind too and spilled it all out. Happened to be the same thing that was on my mind but he took it the other way I was hoping. He said he had just gotten out of a long relationship a few months ago and that it was a lot of work…it takes time to regather himself and he didn’t want to lead me in that direction yet. He said that he liked me, liked hanging with me, thought I was cool, that we get along well and said he definitely wanted to continue seeing me. Although I wish I hadn’t, I agreed for fear of scaring him away saying that maybe we both weren’t ready (I had gotten out of a relationship 3 months prior to meeting him) and that I didn’t want our relationship to change. I also told him that he was more than a friend and that it feels weird when he calls me a friend because to me that is something casual but when I asked him it means I am someone he’s close to. To end it, we agreed that we view each other in a special way. Things continued normally as they had been for a few more weeks, but for about the past couple weeks it seems he is starting to distance himself now. Maybe he really isn’t ready yet. I guess I’m not either if I couldn’t just tell him what I wanted. I definitely let him know how I felt, but I just wish I would have been more honest with myself about what I WANT. Now I just don’t want to push him away further! I want to give him the space he seems to need, but I want him to know I am still interested without being needy!

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marie June 23, 2012, 5:55 pm

I am going through the same thing, right now, with a guy for 3 years but fell in love with him about a year ago. he knows how I feel and I think he feels the same way too. he treats me The problem is I have asked him many times to define our relationship, and what I mean to him, but he either gets silent, or says he not able to commit to me but will not say why. he says things are good with us and that he treats me well and does not understand how a title will change our relationship. I guess I fear if our relationship is not define then all we have means nothing, I get insecure and feel that If our relationship was defined I would feel more secure. I have invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship and feel I have so much to lose if things do not work out. I couple weeks ago the topic came up yet again as to what I meant to him, and why he refuses to put a lable on our relationship, and then broke up with him since I did not like his response. I have since thought about all the wonderful times we have had, how he treats me like a queen when we are toghether and all the effort he puts into our relationship and want things to be the way they were. While we still communicate every day, it is not as often and he does not send me the text messages throughout the day as he used to. After I told him it was over. I did not respond to his calls or text messages for a couple days, but called him a few days later and told him I did not mean what I said about wanting to break up, and that I did not want things to change things between us. I feel somewhat embarrassed and hope he does not see me as weak. I do not want to come across as needy and desperate, but realised I might have made a mistake since everything in the relationship was good and he made me feel special with all the effort he made in the relationship. While we still talk on a daily basis I can feel he has withdraw from me but says nothing has changed. by the way when I met him, he told me he had a girlfriend who lives in another country, but he still pursued me so I kinda put her out of my mind, and have not brought her up. I think I should leave, but find it very difficult to do so. I need some opinions on this

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mell February 5, 2011, 2:27 pm

this has been so helpful. I’m currently going through the same thing with a guy. I just have a couple of other details to add. When we first met he had gotten out of a heart breaking relationship so maybe its somewhat of a factor. However, we’ve been dealing for more then a year! He’s like my best friend. Not a day goes by that we don’t talk. He can’t fall asleep unless i call him. Everything about what we have is perfect. I was fine with us not going out at first, but after we had sex(both our first times) that changed. I feel like i gave him everything and he has this stupid excuse of how he’s not ready…or how he has to focus on school…everything you mentioned..and that its a responsibility. I keep telling him im not asking for anything out of this relationship! It’s like he thinks that all of a sudden he has to be there for me 24/7 and god knows watt else:S. I don’t ask for much. Just that he makes that commitment to ease my heart. Like i think if you took the chance to get serious with me in every way and sleep with me then u can make a commitment.
I am bringing it up more and more and and i will try and be careful with that. But I am not sure if I should stay with him or If I should end things. Part of me wants this relationship because I am also scared of getting hurt and being in a relationship proves to me that he’s willing to risk things for me and proves that he really loves me and its not just a word he’s using.
I just know I need to do something because im feeling hurt that he’s not asking me out and its causing me to not be the girl he loves.

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Amy December 27, 2010, 4:54 pm

Im going through this right now. My boyfriend and I have been 2gether for 2 years and he still says he doesnt want to be in a “relationship” with me or anyone else. He doesnt like to have to call or check in with anyone and said he wants to do whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it. He wont call me for days sometimes and he is a workalholic, he says he just “forgets” to call because he’s so busy with running 2 companies. Although we are exclusive and he does not want us to date anyone else. When we met he was seperated and going through a divorce. He had been married 12 years. I have become needy, insecure and resentful and have pushed him away to the point, he no longer wants to be with me at all. I miss the way were 2gether our first year it was great, but he completely changed, actually we both did and it just ended up unhealthy. Anyway, I wish I had read this article a year ago, because now I see how I pushed him away and now its too late.

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f December 22, 2010, 2:16 am

I cant help but smile at this article.. so true.. i read most of the follow up comments, and preety much got that you should just let it happen naturally… but what is letting it happen naturally? does it mean, one day, he introduces you as his girlfriend? Does anyone know or have experienced this before?

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K October 30, 2010, 2:20 pm

OMG this artical is awesome. I have been pacing for weeks because I feel like a total basketcase when it comes to me and my current guy. We have been dating for almost 7 months and since the beginning it’s been, “Not looking for anything serious right now, I love you but I’m not ready yet.” It’s been so frustrating waiting for him to call me his girlfriend and watching our friends and other couples who have been together the same amount of time or less ‘so in love’ and here I am still waiting. I also go through waves where it’s fine, I can wait and then BAM! It hits me like a ton of bricks and I start pushing him. I kind of let myself go off the last couple weeks and thought I was justified, but reading this reminds me to chill out! He isn’t fake with me and tells me he knows he wants to be with me long term, just isn’t ready to jump in just yet. I can wait. I need to, it doesn’t always mean he is running around, not really interested or playing games. I need to be strong and not make him feel like I am desperate. Because I’m not! Thank you!

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Lauren September 27, 2010, 2:40 am

This definitely put my mind at ease. I’ve been seeing this guy for about two months now. And just like you said, “you are in a relationship in every single way except for the fact that you’re not technically in a relationship.” It’s basically my situation in a nutshell. And he has shared with me about why he “hates the boyfriend/girlfriend labels” because of his last relationship. It’s hard knowing that because I want to let him know that it’s not always the same and this could be a successful relationship. But in order to know if it will be or not, you have to take a chance, right? But then again, it is still pretty early in our relationship. And I’ve mentioned it a few times, but I try not to press the issue for the reasons you’ve stated. It’s a turn off! And I like this guy a lot and I would really hate to see him go at my expense. So I’m going to just let things fall into place as they should and if we end up together, then great. If not, then at least I enjoyed my time with him. But I can understand his hurt. I was in a three year relationship previous to this one and it ended almost a year ago. All of the guys I dated after that relationship ended were just to get over my ex. But this time, it’s different and I really feel for this guy. So that’s why it’s so hard for me to wait. It’s frustrating, but if things do end up the way I want them, then I’d be very glad that I just let everything go with the flow. This has really helped me and I appreciate it!

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Foxxylady August 12, 2010, 5:04 am

I now fully understand why some guys are reluctant to take that next step. I am in the same sort of situation where the guy just broke up with his girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for over 7 months now but he still wont commit. I’ve not pressured him to commit but there seems to be external pressure from close friends who still don’t understand why he won’t commit. He has told me that his previous r/ships all started through pressure from the girl so i try and avoid pressuring him, besides am not one to force someone to be in a r/ship with me, it should just happen naturally i think. Reading this article though has helped me understand the situation much much better. Thank you for the insight

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D May 20, 2010, 10:21 am

ok so…i’ll try to make this brief. i knew this guy previously, and at the time he was in a horrible relationship. we re-connected [admitted we always liked each other] and i would be there for him when he’d tell me how abusive the relationship was. it turned into me being the other woman. eventually things became intimate. after 2 yrs he and his ex broke up. he and i remained “seeing” one another. there were complications in the ending of the relationship with his ex as they still had to live together. she would still post comments online to him saying he was the best bf and how she enjoyed hanging out and what not. i would ask him what was going on. he’d say nothing, i don’t feel for her like that, she just doesn’t want us together, i’ve told her to stop but she obviously isn’t. fast forward a yr of me constantly worrying, this settled down. he and i had great passion together, we hung out on the weekends, we’d text each other, he did all the boyfriend things [buy me things, pay for movies and dinner], i’d spend the weekend at his place, but i only met his friends once. there were times in there where i would leave cause i had enough of his indecision and having his cake and eating it too. he’d always say he wasn’t ready for a relationship, that he’s terrified of the feelings he has for me and isn’t ready to face them, that i should just relax and let things flow. he’s been abused in more then one way all his life and the last ex was obviously abusive, but i wasn’t. i never hit him, threatened him, nor put him down. ever. i was always there for him. and don’t get me wrong, he was there for me too. he did the sweet things, like kiss my shoulder in the morning when he woke, left notes on my car a few times, little things. well… one day we’re out having dinnerand because he had told me he was in bit of a funk (he had text me the week before that “my [his] life wasn’t supposed to be like this, and i’m [he] nothing, i’ve amounted to nothing” expressing the depression he was in. prior to this he had seen his father [whom he doesn't speak to at all] and his gram had died prior. so i understood why he was down) i had simply said to him, “you know if you ever need to talk to someone i’m here for you. i want you to know you’re not alone in life and i’m here if you need someone to talk to.” thats ALL i said. next thing i know he’s telling me how he can’t be in a relationship and he doesn’t know why i bring up the relationship all the time. i said i’m not, i’m simply saying you’re not alone. we left and went back to his place where he proceeded to tell me how it’s too much pressure and if he can’t make himself happy how can he make me happy, if he wasn’t with me he wouldn’t be with anyone. he wanted to remain friends, he said he felt like the relationship was too much sex. i told him i can’t do friends, i can’t watch him be with someone else. he looked at me in shock and said, “is that what you think this is about? if i wasn’t seeing you i wouldn’t be seeing anyone. i don’t want a relationship.” i said i can’t and i walked out [after crying in his arms a whole hell of a lot]. 1 MONTH LATER he’s with some chick who lives an hour away [where he's from] and has a kid! and he’s broadcasting it online how happy he is and how he’s not wasting his weekends away. he’s put up pictures of her and him, and changed his status in response to the new gf updating her relationship status. he spent 2 WEEKS being sad and depressed and then he meets this chick and two weeks later they’re in a relationship! and he’s being public about it online. and he mentions how he won’t “get to see his girl” and all this crap. and he NEVER did that with me. he was never public about his feelings for me. i don’t know if it was because how we started out, or because he was still friends with the manipulative ex, but he never was public about how he felt for me or what i meant to him. but when we were together he would say how important i was to him, how he liked sensing me, and smelling me, and touching me and being near me and it all scared the shit out of him; how he couldn’t wait to see me, how he didn’t want me to leave when the weekend was over.

What Gives????

Thanks for reading.. =/

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Danna May 18, 2010, 11:23 am

Wow, I was in this exact situation with a guy for 2 years.. He just would not be my boyfriend.. We dated 6 months and it ended.. 1 month later we start hanging out again and 2 years later i finally got fed up of him saying oh one day we’ll be together, but never getting around to it.. when i wanted to talk he just got very angry with me.. like it was my fault he didn’t want to date. It was frustrating.. THank you for explainning your story! i have a better understand what happend through out the 2 years :)

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veola April 21, 2010, 1:47 am

Ok…Mz. Sabrina I’m so glad I read your post, because I needed that. But my sistuation is a little more different, but the same, first of all I’m with a guy thats 20years older than I am, and we work at the same place together, we really only see each other at lunch time. One day out the blue he came to me and told me he was interested in me and wanted me to call him, he gave me his home phone number that same day. I waited a few days before I called him, and we’ve been talking every since. But it’s been almost 3 months since we’ve been seeing each other, and no one at work knows about us.
We usually spend our weekends off together going to the movies, out to eat, but he usually perfer to stay in and cook, which is fine he’s 60y/o and I’m 40y/o, and neither one of us really car for the bar/club scene. He says he’s looking for an exclusive relationship with me, but, this past weekend we didn’t spend it together, which really bothered me because I have gotten use to spending my weekends off with him. He told me we don’t have to spend every weekend together, because we may both have something to do or something, fine but he also seems to think we see enough of each other at work, but if he or I decide not to got to the cafeteria for lunch we wouldn’t see each other at all at work. Not to mention thats where, and how he became interested in me, at the lunch table…He has been married once, I’ve never been married. He says he don’t and won’t rule out getting married again, when we are together, his conversations is always (we and us)…I asked him what do you want from me; and he says I just want to get to know you, and maybe ask you for hand in marriage…He always talk about winning the lottery and what he will buy me and give me…So the question is am I being pushy without really saying it. I need and want more reassurance, and conformation about what we are. I know we are dating and getting to know each other, but im also confused about his TRUE feelings, like when do we become offical (a real couple), how long do it take. He’s an only child, both parents are deceased. He has 2 or 3 close friends, and a host of cousins he really dont communicate with and am sure he’s had his share of hurt..All I want is a once in a while reassurance for my own personal reasons…what should I do??? We really don’t spend that much time together…..does being an only child with no parents play its part in why he wont express how he feels, or his age..

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Clueless February 26, 2010, 3:15 am

I ended up dating a guy that lived almost 2 hours away. He was head over heels from first sight. At first I wouldn’t give him the time of day. Then one day I told my friend Jamie to tell her boyfriend that he can give his cousin my number. He begin to call me everyday. We went on dates, hung out at his house. He introduced me to his son and he met my son. Our kids played together. He met my parents by accident because they showed up at my house while he was here. He invited me to his parents house. I met his parents and most of his friends. He met most of my friends. Well he pressured me constantly to be his girlfriend after a couple months. I kept telling him I’m not ready to be your girlfriend. I just got out of a 10 year relationship and the long distance relationship never works. Well for another month or two and I finally gave in. I was glad to have him as my boyfriend because it showed me that I moved on from my 10 year relationship. After five months I treated him and our relationship a little more serious. I told him I love him when we were messing around. After that it was like mission accomplished for him. I really did mean I trully loved him. I cared but not quite that much. He changed after that. He wasn’t sweating me anymore. He stopped calling and texting as much He went out of town a couple of weeks for work and some days he wouldn’t even call he would text good morning and good night. I didn’t catch on right away until it started becoming a habit. Then I finally started asking him whats up and if he found a new woman or another booty call. He would laugh and I would laugh but expect an answer. He said no nothing is going on. He has just been busy working a lot of hours. Well when he returned home I would see him the first day. As time when on the same patterns occurred less calls and texts. I knew something was going on. I had a gut feeling he was messing around on me and giving someone else my attention. I even told my friends and they thought I was crazy. He would tell them how much he cared about me and how I’m marriage material. He practically cried Halloween night at my friend Jamie’s house because I went out with my girls. They said he wouldn’t mess around on me. I started telling him this long distance relationship isn’t working anymore. He would get mad sometimes. One day I was at his house when he returned another time from out of town working and looked him dead in his eye with a big sweet smile saying you know you messed around on me. He looked like he was going to cry I was shocked. I didn’t continue to ask any additional that day. I really did want to know. At the very beginning of our relationship I had a dream that he slept with someone else. I didn’t even care about him then. I cried so hard in my dream. I couldn’t believe a guy that cares about me this much would mess around on me . Well weeks after that I still got the feeling and I told him one day out of the blue I wanted to hookup with him since I’m going back home from my friend that lives up that way. He did not want to hookup. I told him I don’t have much time to stay around though. He agreed when I told him that if he don’t give me what I want I’ll find someone who will. He was like come over I’ll give you what you want. We hooked up and he went limp a few minutes into it. It was freezing cold but this never happens. When I show up he is always always ready. Right when I left he texted me, “you are the last person I was with. I’m not always Johnny on the spot.” I was absolutely devistated. I didn’t even think I would cry so hard over this guy. I sobbed so hard it made me feel even sadder for myself. He didn’t know that I knew it was true he messed around on me. My female interwishing was fully confirmed. We broke up not long after that. He still called and texted like we were still dating. He would forget to text good morning and good night at times. He always told his friends he thinks that I’m still in love with my ex when we were together. He would joke around saying Jody hasn’t been visiting u huh. One day this guy got a hold of my phone and texted him some really bad stuff. He was out with his friends partying and he started blowing my phone up all night leaving me very angry messages to call him, but I guess you can’t call me because you too busy with him and call me tomorrow. He even called my friends phone at 4am. Not long after the guy left him the mean texts my ex left the party Since then he told me he slept with his ex because I told him I would tell him if I hooked up wit someone if he tells me and he told me he did. I asked who it was he said his ex. He now says he is in love with her again and he can’t help it happened. He still calls me everyday and texts me. I am pretty mean to him at times but he says when I get out of my mood he will call me or text him later. I left his house late the night he told me he hooked up with his ex and I did stop talking to him for a week after. Even though he says it was after we broke up. He texted me after I left if I need anything to let him know and text him when I get home. When I decided I was leaving that night he even said you aren’t going to give me a hug bye or a kiss. I did not say a word. I just kept walking to my car. I did not text him back. He texted me a day later saying that snow is coming my way and if I going to bring my son outside to play in the snow. I did not text him back He texted my friend a couple days later trying to pick information out of her but she knew what he was doing. She finally texted him back saying I was with her. I didn’t want her to tell him though. I took her phone and said stop texting my friend bitch. He said she is his friend too but she isn’t. Later on that night I was depressed and texted him and told him exactly what I thought about him and his crap. It felt really good then he had the nerve to say he was tied up at the moment. I said well you need to get untied up right now. Then I got mad and said you tied up now after you been texting me and texting my best friend all day whatever. We made ammends but I been wanting to stop talking to him again to give him something to talk about and make him worry. Since that day I have heard from him everyday like we are dating. I did see him once after we broke up but its not the same. I’m mad at him still and he acts a little weird. I don’t know what I should do. I’m not hurt I’m just disappointed. If he thought or found out I was messing with someone else he would freak out and go balisic. What is his problem? Now I do not tell him any loving things at all. I talk to him just regular no lovey dovey emoional stuff anymore. I’m not really even affectionate towards him anymore. He tried to get me too be affectionate like I use to be when I seen him, but I didn’t want too. Why does he want to breakup but maintain close contact with me? He said he is in love with his ex but wants to hook up with me and talk to me practically everyday. I am getting mad again and think I need to stop talking to him again for a while. I need opinions suggestions and what is wrong with this guy? HELP?

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Alyssa February 15, 2010, 5:55 am

I’m having this problem right now! I’m really falling for this guy that I’ve been “seeing” for a few months, and I like where it’s headed, and neither of us are fooling around with anyone else. I’m just curious to see where it might go, and I’m okay with whatever he wants it to be. Being on the same page is always nice, though. If anyone has any tips on how to broach the subject of “exclusivity” I would gladly appreciate them! (I haven’t even brought it up yet) P.S. There’s a bit of an age difference… I’m 20, he’s 25. Thank you in advance. :)

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Linh February 13, 2010, 12:01 am

I am so glad to have read this post! I’m in the exact situation that you and D have been in. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a year now and he still won’t put a label on it. At the beginning I didn’t care, because I had just gotten out of a 2.5 years relationship, but after we past just the hooking up point and got onto the dating scene my feeling for him grew — which I didn’t want it to. But it feels so good to actually care for someone, however I keep questioning if he cared for me or if I was just someone to fill in his time. I push him a couple of time for a title — it wasn’t necessarily “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, but if we are dating or not. He refuse to give me an answer when I ask him how he feels about me (even though he acts jealous under some circumstances) and just gives me the “I don’t have time for a girlfriend” crap. At some point, I feel like I’m making excuses for him because he works full time and goes to school full time. I had a feeling that there was something deeper than him being “busy” — we hang out at least once a week (more in the summer), we text everyday, and he calls me a couple times a week after work (he always initiate the calls). After reading this post it really enlightens me to just let go, and have fun with the way things are, because I do enjoy spending time with him. Like he says, “it’s not like you’re trying to make this long-term after this semester, you’re probably gonna find a job and move away anyway.” I think I found my clue.

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Elizabeth Cruz January 31, 2010, 3:29 am

But its just hard to believe sometimes when like me, I’ve played the game too and I didn’t want to be in a relationship because I wanted to keep talking to other people. My excuses were “I’m not ready” or “I don’t want to rush”. I have trust issues with guys because I’ve been played and its not the best feeling. But at the same time what you’re saying is so true because I could imagine constantly hearing the same shit all the time could get annoying and just push away the guy you really like. So I’m going to take you’re advice, but at the same time I’m not going to wait that long, because something is really wrong. For now I’m going to show him how much of a great girl I am. I just get confused when he flirts around it makes me think that he wants his cake and eat it too, but he says its nothing and that I need to trust him just like he trusts me because I flirt too, which I do admit. Well thanks Sabrina I really needed this advice!

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Eric Charles January 7, 2010, 8:12 pm

I was going through the older comments and reread this post – this really was a great one. Universally true – neediness is a bad thing.

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Kaytina December 8, 2009, 5:00 pm

all i can say to you is thank you, and from my point of view (the begger).. i kind of pull at the guy i’m seeing when i get curious becuase i do read people so well. i’ve told him it’s his ex and its this and its that. hes just still in denial and says he just doenst want it. i’m done bugging him. i stopped after 4 months of wondering. i just let it be now. but i knew i was right and you just hit the nail on the head for sure.

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Keli December 6, 2009, 11:50 pm

Hmmm… maybe. But I also think it’s a cop out…a guilt free way to have his cake and eat it too.

And I think it depends on the man or the woman, because in my world, men seem to move on more quickly…or maybe that what they would have us to believe.

still licking his wounds…thus why I never want to be the rebound chick.

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Dianna December 4, 2009, 1:39 am

I am soo glad I read this! Thank you soo much! Iv been “talking” to a guy who when i we first met , he was the most sweet, attentive guy ever! We had great chemistry, but he has changed ALOT!!! he dosent call me/text me as much as he used to, we dont hang out anymore, but he is ocassionally sweet. I found myself being a bit pushy and annoying at times, which i guess explains why he pulled back a bit. I was always up for hanging out and spending time together (which when we first met it was the other way around ); he would agree but he would either not show up, text or call me that day to confirm, so obviously i would get upset and start asking and wondering what was going on!. His actions and words confuse me! He has told me that I am marriage material and that he wants to do things right, “he is not going anywhere and neither am i” and that things will get better, But some days I dont hear from him. I have strong feelings for him, and I dont want to loose him or let him go, but im beggining to worry! I think my hopes of becomming his girlfriend pushed him away. Any tips on how to regain his interest??
–thanks!

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Sabrina Alexis December 2, 2009, 3:48 pm

Becca-

I am so glad the post was able to help you. I was totally ‘that girl’ time and time again and it wasn’t until I was on the other end of it that I fully understood that the title had absolutely nothing to do with me. I was never ashamed of D and it wasn’t that I wanted to go around dating other people, I just wasn’t ready to handle the implications of being ‘official.’ If D had just dropped the issue, it would have given me more time to think about what a great guy he was. Instead, all i could think about was how annoying he was for constantly bringing up the issue!

It isn’t always easy, but it’s so important to just let things happen in relationships. Trust me, a guy will be much more inclined to call you his girlfriend if the relationship is easy and fun rather than filled with fights over why you two aren’t ‘official.’ I was with a guy a while ago who wouldn’t call me his girlfriend even though we were in a really serious relationship. About a year after we broke up (even though we were never officially together), I couldn’t help myself from asking him why he had such a hang-up about the title. His response? If I hadn’t been so pushy and annoying about it, it never would have been an issue!

Anyway, I’m so happy to hear this post helped you and I really hope everything works out with Mr. on and off : )

- Sabrina

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Becca December 2, 2009, 2:02 pm

That really was an excellent take… it’s so annoying to keep reading the same shit over and over again. I’ve had a lot of back and forth issues with that with my current boyfriend (we’re the on again off again type) and it just kept getting more and more frustrating. I hate being “that girl”, the one who pushes for a title. I don’t care what Facebook says, I just care what’s in his heart. But then the “that girl” inside says “but what if he doesn’t want people to know we’re together because he’s messing around with someone else?” The fact of the matter is, there has to be trust or there just isn’t. I do trust him, and I know that because we’ve been so on and off, and because I have hurt him in the past, he is still healing from all of that, and may be feeling just the way Sabrina was feeling when she didn’t want D to use the word “girlfriend”. It’s good to step back and realize pushing someone isn’t the answer. Great piece.

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Kristen December 1, 2009, 7:35 pm

Yeah, I have been dating a guy f02 two years off and on. Well we dated for a year, stopped for 6 months while we decided to explore dating others. and then started dating again and still are now. but only recently have we begun fooling around again. at his innitiation. no sex, but we go as far as oral sex.

he says that i want a relationship and he just cant offer me that right now. that he doesnt want a relationship with ANYONE. that he is 26 and far too confused with life right now. he doesnt have a stable job, is considering where geographically he wants to end up, has started a new degree recently, and i think he’s a little bit frustrated with life in general right now.

but he tells me he is not dating others or fooling around with others, i am the only one and he doesn’t even want to see or fool around with others.

Will he ever comitt?

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AK December 20, 2011, 10:02 pm

Im in a similar position as you Kristen.. and i dont know if i should even continue this either. I’d been friends with this guy for over 7months before he suggested going on a date and I said yes. Things were going to quick for me at the start esp when i didnt know what i wanted out of it. Emotions got the worst of me and decided we should not date and just stay friends. I had to go overseas urgently for a month a few days after that talk but had told him i’d like to think about giving it another go again when I was back. I got back to find out he had started dating someone else and just wants us to be friends. It took me a whole month to stop feeling like crap so that I could to eventually fight my urges and feelings and go back to being friends (thank goodness i have good self control) only cos his friendship means a lot. But last weekend, we began fooling around again. He told me after how things went with this last gf, he doesnt want anything serious right now (neither do I) and that I mean a lot and he values me. Im not someone who he wants over just to satisfy his needs. We haven’t slept with each other and I dont plan to either. He is a great guy and I’d like something long term someday with him. But i dont know how to tackle it right now.

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Mike December 1, 2009, 1:07 pm

Nice job Sabrina!! A+. Bravo. Absolutely love this. It’s refreshing to see that you’ve actually been in a guy’s shoes when it comes to this usually relationship making or breaking conversation…. I’ve been that guy… and am that guy right now and you definitely hit some reasons right on the head as to why I am the way I am .

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