Ask a Guy: Boyfriend Caught Me Snooping, Can I Regain His Trust? post image

Ask a Guy: Boyfriend Caught Me Snooping, Can I Regain His Trust?


I developed an habit of snooping around in my relationship of almost two years and I finally got caught snooping through his phone the the other night (up until this point he didn’t know how I knew things that I called him out on).

Is there anything I can do for damage control? Do men get over such behavior? Help!

Let me tell you a story. I once knew this guy who had a habit of sneaking around and cheating on his girlfriend. He told her that they were exclusive and that she was the only girl for him but he would continue to sleep with multiple girls he met.

He says to me, “How do I get my girlfriend to trust me? I get this feeling that she doesn’t trust me and I need her to…”

Now, while you are reading this and smacking your forehead in amazement at his audacity, it really speaks to the same thing here…

That guy wanted trust and yet he wasn’t trustworthy – there was no reason that he should deserve anything other than the suspicion he “earned.”

My point here is that it’s important to remember that no matter what happens, you did in fact violate his trust and privacy on a pretty deep level. If it were me, I would dump you without a second thought. You can’t have a meaningful relationship when it’s not built on a solid foundation of trust.

But I want to help you here, so this is what you’ll need to do if you want a chance of repairing your relationship:

1) Explain your actions.

Now that you’ve been caught, he’s probably thinking about all the times that you “just knew” something and he probably feels like a fool. And in addition to thinking of all the times that you probably violated his trust and privacy in the past, he is probably pretty certain you’ll do it again in the future, especially if times get tough and you start to worry.

If he’s even going to consider continuing to date you, he’ll need to be certain that you’ll NEVER snoop again. Ever again.

In order to believe that, he’ll need to:

  • Understand why you snooped.
  • Understand what you were feeling to make you feel like you had no choice.
  • Understand that you’re sorry and that you know it was wrong.
  • Understand what you’ll do from now on so that you’ll never do it again.

2) Face the music.

Once you’ve said your piece, you need to let him say whatever he has to say. Don’t argue with him, don’t fight him and don’t try to justify your actions or defend yourself. There’s no spinning this, you’re in the wrong here and if he feels you’re trying to squirm your way out, he’ll just dump you straight up.

3) Tell him you love him and that you only snooped because you were afraid you’d lose him.

OK, now that you’ve listened to him (REALLY listened and let it seek in), now it’s time to let him know how much you value him. You love him and you were afraid you’d lose him – and that’s why you felt compelled to snoop and risk violating everything with him. You felt overwhelmed by your fears of losing him because you love him so much.

4) Apologize and NEVER, EVER, EVER snoop again.

Once you’ve shared how much you love him and talked it through, it’s time to sincerely apologize.

When it comes to trust, there’s only one way to get it: be trustable. Trust is earned and frankly, if you’re not trustworthy, you don’t deserve it.

You can’t fake being trustworthy – humans have incredible instincts to pick up on liars and cheaters.

Guys pick up on when you “know something” and now that you already have a strike against you, he’ll be especially sensitive if he gets the sense that you know something you shouldn’t have known. If he decides to stay with you, he might even set a “trap” to test to see if you’ll snoop again.

So I would urge you to go legit from now on.

Again, I can’t guarantee he’ll stay or even give you a chance to defend yourself. But following those steps will give you the best possible chance of redeeming yourself and repairing the damage to your relationship.

Hopefully this will be the wake up call you needed to stop snooping going forward – it’s not worth it. Better that you learn to communicate with your partner versus violate their privacy.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

{ 16 comments… add one }

Leave Your Comment Now…

Ali

Ok, I didn’t get caught snooping but I admitted to it. I found some texts that were completely unappropriate. So, I broke up with him but I had plans to do so before this incident. That was the first time I ever crossed that line with him and when I admitted to it, he said he was testing me. That he had tried to set me up a few times and finally I fell for the bait and it was disappointing. WTF? Doesn’t this mean he didn’t trust me if he felt the need to set me up? And is now blaming EVERYTHING possible on me. I was breaking up with him b/c the man I once was with was gone. He was distant, stopped having sex, didn’t see each other as much so I had made up my mind to move on. It just so happens that the night I went there to break up he left his phone out apparently on purpose. So I guess I don’t get how its ok for him to set me up, but im an awful person for snooping.

Reply April 28, 2014, 10:48 pm

ana

My boyfriend completely cut me off , its been a week today he blocked my number , my whatsapp everything…this was after I brought up the only mutual friend we have on fb and he claims that it wasn’t that it was because I looked at his wallet early in the relationship when he left it on the bedside table , I didn’t even open the contents I texted him immediately to tell him he left it , and I brought up his ID which was the first thing I saw when I opened the wallet . I didn’t even know it was his …when I continued to make jokes about his dob for months thinking it was cute , he told my cousin that if I did it already I would do it again. I found his reaction harsh seeing as I know nothing about him not even where he lives. Guess he wasn’t my boyfriend right …so much for the I love you’d .

Reply November 22, 2013, 1:25 pm

Emma

Very good advice. Snooping really won’t make any relationship better – because it in fact is a desperate attempt to prove your significant other’s wrongdoings…by betraying their trust yourself! Two wrongs just don’t make a right.

I’ve been there and thankfully was forgiven, since my boyfriend was having trouble severing his last emotional ties to a girl he didn’t even date in high school, but was infatuated with, as well. The situation scared him off from going any further with his aimless reminiscing e-mails and I came to terms with the fact snooping through his personal belonging was just plain wrong. So long there’s dialogue, you can save your relationship, but always have in mind – don’t do to your partner what you wouldn’t want done to you. Trust should come from both sides, and if it’s strong, all hurtful things will be dealt with as a pair.

Reply July 16, 2013, 10:07 pm

Dianne

Eric, You are right, the days of controlling a man by withholding sex days are long gone, no matter how hot the sex was. But, if a man I have sex with doesn’t call me within a day or two and make plans for us to see each other again soon, then, right then, he is no longer in the ” get to have sex with me” category, no matter what. He has proved I will never be in the girlfriend category, and I had rather be just be friends from then on and not limit myself by hooking up with a man that has already proved that he isn’t ever going to be more than a friend. It isn’t withholding sex. It’s deciding that’s not what I want before the bonding chemicals get revved up. Friends with benefits can mean ending up sleeping alone a lot. Men always come back with the expectation of sex, even if it is a month later. If he’s worth hanging out with, and it will be fun and interesting, and like him I have nothing else planned, I’ll go out with him. I have no problem being just friends, flirty fun friends, but for me there’s nothing in it for me to be sexual friends. Like you said, he can get sex anywhere, anytime, but not with me. He has proven himself unworthy. Either we’ll both value our friendship only, or not. So much easier after just one time, and besides it is going to end the same way no matter what a woman does, right?? Isn’t that the reality?

Reply February 25, 2013, 7:30 pm

Natalie M

I met this guy online a dating site and after chatting and texting for weeks we decided to exchange yahoo messenger I’d. Long and short he kept saying that he was so into me and that he likes me after 5 weeks of chatting phone calls and texting we decided to meet the following weekend. He also indicated that he wanted us to date exclusively and I agreed but deep inside I wondered how serious he was and I created a fake profile putting up a picture of a beautiful model, added him and started chatting him. I was stunned when he answered calling her by all the names he called me and telling my fake person that he was single and asking her to spend time with him. I became upset. He then asked if she had blackberry messenger and so I sent him my BB pin. Mind you he never disclosed to me he had a blackberry neither did I. Anyways I sent him my BB pin and when he added me and saw my real pic he freaked out and called me immediately. I did not answer so he sent me a whole bunch of yahoo messages throughout the day begging me to forgive and that he doesn’t want to loose me. That night he called me and said he knew the profile was a fake because the pic was not a real person and that he just entertained the convo. Anyways he said he has decided what he wanted and its me. I forgave him and we continued and went on our date. It was nice and he kept telling me how much he loced me over and over. Anyways I forgot my jacket that night in his car. And the next week we continued only that he started indicating he wanted to make love to me. I wasn’t ready as I thought it to soon as I only know about him as much as he only told me. Anyways the next Saturday he did not text or contact me at all and I found this to be strange. I called him but no answer. That night I again created another fake profile this time using a pic of one of my friends to make it more real. I added him and started chatting him and he replied just like he did me and the previous fake profile. While chatting him I BB messenger him and he responded saying he was sick and in bed. Long story short he gave my new fake profile his number and invited “me” the fake me to a cooler party the next day and even agreed to kiss “me”. I got so upset and told him I knew he was dating a friend of mine and how can he do this to “her” the real me and that he should tell “the real me”. He said he would but was asking “the fake me” who was her friend. I asked him how many of us there is.. Anyways I told him and he deleted his profile and won’t talk to me again. Was I wrong for doing what I did. Please tell me because I feel horrible and I miss him. Is he a player. I tried contacting him to get my jacket but he won’t respond. I see him on whatsapp everyday texting the whole day everyday and I assume it another woman or women. Did I drive him away. Please tell me what to do. Plus the jacket means so much to me as my son bought it for me as a birthday gift.

Reply October 7, 2012, 4:58 pm

Rose

Why did you make so many different fake profiles? To catch him out, sure but it sounds like he was just looking to date not a relationship. Dating is not the same as being in a relationship. Dating doesn’t mean you guys are exclusive but more of a chance to see if you would be someone he wants to be exclusive with in time. You heard Eric say plenty of times on other posts, especially in the “get out of the friend zone” article, that to make sure you rack up other options and not put “all your eggs in one basket”. Dating is supposed to be fun (especially if it was during your first couple of dates) and carefree with the opportunity to go further (into a relationship). You sounded like you went too fast and intense and although lying, flirting with other chicks and saying he is single is a crappy thing to do, technically you guys aren’t in a relationship and he didn’t do anything wrong. He is still single since you guys only talked over the phone and met up once. That doesn’t constitute a relationship. You should explore other options too and until you feel like you really connected with someone and you’re one hundred percent sure they feel the same towards you, don’t make him into someone he’s not, mainly someone looking for a relationship when they’re not. And I don’t think you’re going to have a big chance in getting that jacket back.

Reply May 14, 2013, 12:49 am

MickWasWrong

Eric the King! This information has helped me a lot with my girlfriend.

So the story is, I had some suspicions, so I snooped on her and she caught me out. She was really put off by it and we broke up. I finally came out with the truth and used the information above to explain myself, realized my trust issues, promised never to do it again and apologized. She came back and forgave me! I will now try to make things better and never snoop again.

Reply August 16, 2012, 11:16 pm

hottiestalker16

I like this guy we flirt a TON back and forth I catch him staring I stare back the whole nine yards. But he hasn’t asked me out yet I really really like him. How do I get him to ask me out

Reply April 29, 2012, 11:21 pm

You're crazy

Give him a bj :-)

Reply June 10, 2012, 9:44 am

angela

i am a little confused my story i guess is a bit confusing and all and well i really dont know what to do any more i am almost at my wits end in it all so i will start at the beginning and well i just need answers i dont know why he does half the things he does i met him when i was 21 we dated for 4 months and he broke up with me saying and lieing to me telling me he didnt love me when he actually did but because i believed him i moved on i got married had three kids and moved on with life i loved him so much it hurt that i couldnt believe he would say that to me i really didnt ever get over him then its been 15 yrs now and three years ago he came back in to my life told me he lied and said he always loved me and never stopped the thing was he told me all this when i was in a very bad place in my marrieage my husband basically emotionally abandoned me and i felt very alone needless to say i had a affair and slept with this ex things were good in the begining while we were having the affair lol we had some issues such as lieing to each other and doing really mean things to each other he even wanted to see once if i was cheating on him so he made this huge plan to create a fake profile on face book and made this guy look like some guy i hung out with when i was 21 any ways i chatted for a bit with this fake guy and maybe flirted and well when i found out it was him i was furious any ways that is the kind of man he is cause he likes to always be right no matter how much it may hurt me or any one else. any ways last aug my divorce was finalized and i have been dealing with the emotion of grieving a 13 yr marriage as i have known my ex for 24 yrs and have been best friends and well the guy i had the affair with thinkgs in 8 months i should be over him but I am not i wish he could understnad he wants so badly to be in a relationship but i am not ready at least for a serious relationship and really i dont think i can trust him he always plays games with me and can get very emotionally abusive with his words. he wants me to commit to him now and i cant cause of all his games then last week his ex contacted him and wanted to talk in private and he told me if i was around he didnt want me any where around him and her and i started wondering what he was hiding he also has many friends that are women whom he likes to help when they are in a crisis he says i will come first but i dont believe him he also is a extremist when i say i just need a friend he cuts off all emotion and even removes me from his face book but then in the next sentance says if you need me i am here he wants me to feel secure with him but i cant when he is like this Please help me any advice would be greatly appreciated also because of his behaviour my ex who listens to every thing i say and is very compassionate to me and very loving and i find my self thinking maybe i can work it out with him but i also can not trust him completely as well lol i am a total mess here and really dont know where to turn and if i work it out with my ex i know i have to let this other man go i guess where it gets a bit hard you see him and i see each other as twin souls we both feel this amazing conection spirituall and he knows when i am hurting and vice versa i just dont know what to do i feel like I am going insane cause i feel so stunted and stalled PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME ANY ADVICE PLEASE

Reply April 16, 2012, 9:38 pm

Rose

It’s hard to understand exactly what the problem is if you don’t use the right punctuation at the end of a sentence

Reply May 14, 2013, 12:31 am

G

You just met this guy so why all the energy and effort worrying? Neither of you have any investment in each other. Maybe he was short because he was running errands or just out and about. I’ve had people ask me the same thing but when they texted I was occupied with chores, getting ready, house cleaning, etc. You’re not doing anything wrong except giving this way too much thought. Just relax….seriously. People sense anxiety and panic over waiting to hear back from them. If he never responds oh well. You have nothing to lose but only to gain by being relaxed, calm, poised and totally confident in yourself :-) Keep your options open, have fun and enjoy your life.

Reply April 1, 2012, 6:24 pm

Ginger

Hello,

I have a question with follow-up contact after meeting a guy. I met a guy at a party and he waited 3 days to text me saying hello. That day, we exchanged close to 30 messages back and forth all day (in hind sight, I think this was a mistake). The next day we texted but you could tell that he was keeping his messages brief. He didn’t contact me the following day, which happened to be close to the weekend and hasn’t contacted me all weekend. I thought that he would have called /texted to ask me out this weekend, but not at all. So anyway, I cracked this morning and texted him asking him how he is and he hasn’t replied yet. What am I doing wrong? If he is not replying is it a polite way of saying he’ s not interested, or is he playing games or trying to take it slow… really confused.

Reply March 17, 2012, 3:39 pm

MickWasWrong

Giner, from personal experience, if I’m interested in a girl I will text her and ask her out that same weekend. I don’t play waiting games, imo I think its a load of crap. But in saying that, some guys do like to take it slower then others, so they will play a waiting game. My advice, if he’s playing a waiting game, then you play along, and hold out on not texting him until he texts you and eventually asks you out. If he is interested he will, if he is not, he will stop texting you.

Reply August 16, 2012, 11:20 pm

Anna

So I accidentally snooped. I say accidental because it was perfectly innocent. I have NEVER snooped before, in any of my previous relationships or this one. We’ve been together for just under two years and currently live together. Earlier in the week his phone had died (just wouldn’t turn on) So this week has been fun trying to get a hold of each other. We have basically been face book messaging when he was home on his computer. I came home from work and he was not home (he usually is) I wanted to check my facebook and my computer is REALLY slow, hes got a newer MAC. He doesn’t like me using his lap top because I have made fun of him in the past because when I opened the internet and the 6 recent pages came up there was like 3 porn sites. I didn’t get mad, just joked around and I think he got embarrassed. He is also a only child so he isn’t the best at sharing. So since then I usually just stay away from his computer. However when I got home I wanted to check FB quickly and his computer was on the couch already on. So I decided what the heck I was just for a quick second. When I opened the computer his FB was already loaded and there was a message conversation at the bottom with one of his long time female friends mary from earlier in the day. I decided to read it because I wanted to know where he was and if he was mary mostly to know if I should be cooking for both of us or just me. That was my only reason for “snooping” but when I was reading I noticed my name being mentioned so that caused me to full blown snoop on this conversation. Long story short he said to his friend that she would be proud because he and I had been getting along very good lately. Then his friend proceeded to ask if he still thinks about Sara (his ex and mary’s friend) He then said something along the lines of “ yes I still think about sara it sucks because we were always on the rocks and I really thought we would get our stuff together and she would be the one I would settle down with” So mary goes “ well if you and wanna break up im sure you and sara will be hooking up again” he goes “ yeah I don’t think so sara hasn’t spoken to me in like a year, besides I think im with anna for the long haul, shes not the greatest but shes better than half the loosers I have been with” I pretty much stopped reading after that. I felt bad for snooping but It started out perfectly innocent, ive never been suspicious and im most certainly not the jealous type. This really made me feel undervalued and bummed. When he came home a short time later he was SO NICE to me telling me he loves me and im the love of his life, and wanted to take me to dinner and hes sorry that he can be such a DB sometimes (he had went for a few drinks with a bud of his so he was slightly buzzed so the cheese was in full effect). I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t say anything. I know he will be mad I snooped but now I cant get out of my mind that I am his back up plan. OH and a few months back we went out for drinks and Mary and Sara along with a bunch of his other friends were there. Also a few of mine. I knew sara was his ex (but again not the jealous type) and she was chatting me up so I chatted bck. She was a pretty funny girl and I was having a good time. He got all bent out of shape and when we went outside to smoke a cigarettes he told me she was only being nice to me to piss him off. Never thought much of it, but now idk was that a sign. I don’t know what to do. I want to bring it up, but he hasn’t cheated and I don’t want him to focus on me snooping, I just don’t want to feel like im in 2nd place. Any advice??

Reply July 11, 2013, 2:06 pm

anna

So I accidentally snooped. I say accidental because it was perfectly innocent. I have NEVER snooped before, in any of my previous relationships or this one. We’ve been together for just under two years and currently live together. Earlier in the week his phone had died (just wouldn’t turn on) So this week has been fun trying to get a hold of each other. We have basically been face book messaging when he was home on his computer. I came home from work and he was not home (he usually is) I wanted to check my facebook and my computer is REALLY slow, hes got a newer MAC. He doesn’t like me using his lap top because I have made fun of him in the past because when I opened the internet and the 6 recent pages came up there was like 3 porn sites. I didn’t get mad, just joked around and I think he got embarrassed. He is also a only child so he isn’t the best at sharing. So since then I usually just stay away from his computer. However when I got home I wanted to check FB quickly and his computer was on the couch already on. So I decided what the heck I was just for a quick second. When I opened the computer his FB was already loaded and there was a message conversation at the bottom with one of his long time female friends mary from earlier in the day. I decided to read it because I wanted to know where he was and if he was mary mostly to know if I should be cooking for both of us or just me. That was my only reason for “snooping” but when I was reading I noticed my name being mentioned so that caused me to full blown snoop on this conversation. Long story short he said to his friend that she would be proud because he and I had been getting along very good lately. Then his friend proceeded to ask if he still thinks about Sara (his ex and mary’s friend) He then said something along the lines of “ yes I still think about sara it sucks because we were always on the rocks and I really thought we would get our stuff together and she would be the one I would settle down with” So mary goes “ well if you and wanna break up im sure you and sara will be hooking up again” he goes “ yeah I don’t think so sara hasn’t spoken to me in like a year, besides I think im with anna for the long haul, shes not the greatest but shes better than half the loosers I have been with” I pretty much stopped reading after that. I felt bad for snooping but It started out perfectly innocent, ive never been suspicious and im most certainly not the jealous type. This really made me feel undervalued and bummed. When he came home a short time later he was SO NICE to me telling me he loves me and im the love of his life, and wanted to take me to dinner and hes sorry that he can be such a DB sometimes (he had went for a few drinks with a bud of his so he was slightly buzzed so the cheese was in full effect). I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t say anything. I know he will be mad I snooped but now I cant get out of my mind that I am his back up plan. OH and a few months back we went out for drinks and Mary and Sara along with a bunch of his other friends were there. Also a few of mine. I knew sara was his ex (but again not the jealous type) and she was chatting me up so I chatted bck. She was a pretty funny girl and I was having a good time. He got all bent out of shape and when we went outside to smoke a cigarettes he told me she was only being nice to me to piss him off. Never thought much of it, but now idk was that a sign. I don’t know what to do. I want to bring it up, but he hasn’t cheated and I don’t want him to focus on me snooping, I just don’t want to feel like im in 2nd place. Any advice??

Reply July 11, 2013, 2:19 pm

Leave a Comment