Bite Sized Solutions to The Most Common Relationship Problems post image

Bite Sized Solutions to The Most Common Relationship Problems


Whenever I tell people that I write about relationships, the first thing they want to know is the most commonly asked questions we receive. Next, of course, they want to know what my answers are to said questions. When it first started happening, I would get kind of nervous, especially if I was being put on the spot by a bunch of guys who didn’t think I could possibly know anything about the male mind. Let me tell you, proving them wrong is one of the best feelings ever!

In time, however, I got it down and could quickly rattle off brief, yet on-point, answers to even the most seemingly tricky relationship dilemmas.  After getting grilled for what felt like the trillionth time the other week, I decided that I should make an article out of my “bite sized” answers to the most common relationship questions.

On ANM, we got into a lot of depth about relationships, in our articles, our newsletter, and of course, in our book. However, it’s always nice to have a refresher course. Even though you might know something, it’s very easy for that knowledge to get knocked out by your emotions, and nothing gets the emotions going quite like boy drama.

Anyway, here is your handy guide to get your relationship questions answered on-the-go.

Problem:My guy used to text me all the time, now he takes days to respond, what gives?”
What It Means:
There are several common reasons why a guy may go days without texting, but it usually boils down to the fact that he’s busy. Yup, the answer is as simple as that. Men aren’t as good at multi-tasking as women; their minds can usually process one thing at a time. If he’s at work, his head is in work, not in the relationship. Also, if he knows you’ll be there no matter what, he has no incentive to text so he’ll only text when he feels like it.
Solution:
If you back off, adopt a more relaxed attitude and fill your time doing things you enjoy, he’ll make an effort to text more because he’ll start to feel nervous that you’ll forget about him if he doesn’t.

Problem:I’ve been with my guy for a while but he says he can’t be in an official relationship for XYZ reason
What it means:
When a guy says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, believe him! The truth is, he’s saying he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. I know it hurts, but it’s the reality of the situation. When a guy wants to be in a relationship, he’ll make it happen. There are very few exceptions to this.
Solution:
Move on and stop wasting your time. If there’s any hope of this guy committing to you, he’ll only do it when he’s afraid of losing you. If he knows you’ll be there no mater what, he’ll never commit. If he knows you’ll leave unless he gives you what you want, he’ll snap into gear. (More: 3 Things Men Are Looking for in a Relationship)

Problem:I’ve been seeing a guy for a while, everything was going really well and then he started to withdraw. What can I do?
What it means:
When a man is feeling emotionally off-balance or when a relationship deepens, a man may withdraw in an attempt to get a handle on how he feels about things. This often has nothing to do with the girl. The mistake women make is in taking this personally and badgering the guy for answers. When this happens, he feels suffocated and withdraws further. Men deal with issues differently with women. When something’s eating at a guy, he wants to work it out by himself.
Solution:
When a guy withdraws, it’s because he needs space. What should you do? Give it to him! If you can’t give him space to get himself together, he will either end the relationship or will grow to resent you. Instead of banging your head against the table trying to figure out what it means and what you did wrong, go out and live your life. Stay busy with work, friends, hobbies, exercise– anything that makes you happy. When you can do this, your guy will notice and he’ll love you even more for it. (More: Ask a Guy: When a Guy Withdraws)

Problem:How can I get my boyfriend to treat me better? He used to be so romantic and considerate and now I feel like I have to beg him to do the smallest things
What it means:
Men want to feel like winners in the world. They want to feel like they can handle anything and can succeed at anything. When a woman points out what a man is doing wrong, even if her intentions are good and she’s doing it so that he can be better in the relationship, he feels defeated. He feels like he can’t make her happy and it will make him less likely to do what she wants.
Solution:
If you give him what he wants, he’ll give you anything you want. And what do men want most? Appreciation. It’s as easy as that. If you appreciate him for the small things he does, and I mean genuinely appreciate, and show him how happy it made you when he did X and that it made you feel Y, he will want to keep doing things to make you happy. Focus on the small things he does, show genuine appreciation, and it is guaranteed to lead to him doing bigger, nicer things for you.

-SABRINA ALEXIS

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mary annie December 18, 2012, 8:30 pm

I was married tothe greatest, most attentive loving man ever! He was the kind of guy you might describe if you were making up a list of perfect man traits. He defos had it all but he didn’t have a harem, he only wanted me! To the exclusion of all other women–which is how I wrote up my “man order”, because I do that. I write up a list of traits I need to have in a man before I let the universe take over and deliver him to me–just as thoug I was ordering up a cheeseburger! Yummy!

So..poor us! I’m a widow now. He’s gone due to an industrial accident caused by ofice workers who couldn’t be bothered to pay attention, so life goes on. And I’ve been looking out at the single guys my age and I feel sorry for these immature infants. So many are just simply lacking in common sense. They have this narrow view of the world and many are stuck in old patterns of dysfunction that they learned too well as they were “growing up”. The fact is, they never really grew up, and replace normal adult behavior with these avoidence patterns.

Re: texts, as in the first question. Same experience. Guy started out being very text heavy. Now, rarely hear from him. What happened? His pattern: He likes “strange”. He’s into the numbers game. Very insecure. Starts out being super charming. Tries to get the female to “fall in love” with this phony mask. When he bags her (and bangs her), she feels they are an “item”, he does not. He moves on, texting the next victim heavily. What happened to me? He started texting another but got my texts and responding to the other but it was sent to me. He was inviting the hooker over to have sex in my bed while I was at work. He didn’t want me to text him. Because he was hustling the next victim.

I could explain the rest of the behaviors to you. I found out his routine as I waded through his messed up life to discover his dirty little secrets. You can read all about them on cheater ville dot com. The guy is Mike in Honolulu. Pretty sad…

He told me that he used to rea the pick up artist type of material. Men are training themselves to scam women. They are looking for the irresponsible lifestyle that confirms that they are nothing more than animals looking for sex and other resources. Yes, I know, it’s a narrow scope, but to explain these aberrations in what might otherwise be a “normal” looking man, look to your “seduction community” documentation on how they really view women. It’s shocking and has put me off men, as if I needed more reasons to be disinterested in them (besides them wasting my time with their ego trips).

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ams November 17, 2012, 3:41 am

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and we used to have sex quite often, almost every single day. And I understand that as a relationship progresses the frequency may taper off as well. But these past couple of months it has just almost completely stopped. Along the affection…he doesn’t touch me as often, kiss me as often and doesn’t tell me he loves me as often. I don’t have the indication that he’s cheating. The excuse that he has been giving me is that he’s “too tired”. He works nights and goes to school during the day, but has been doing that since the beginning of the year. Could he just be getting burned out? Could it be that his feelings are changing for me? Please help! Thanks!

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Anna November 13, 2012, 8:12 pm

Whenever my guy gets too comfortable or stops going out of his way for me, I automatically (and out of instinct I believe), I back off a bit and focus more on myself. However, instead of making him want me more or chase after me, he instead becomes a “nagging old woman”. He takes it as though I’m withdrawing because I’m not longer interested, it doesn’t spike his hunter instincts, instead he becomes very insecure. (Why haven’t you called? Why are you distant? Is everything ok? You don’t love me anymore… Are you cheating on me? You are abandoning me… I feel like I’m talking to a stranger and not my girlfriend…)
.
Strangely he gets all defensive and instead of thinking ‘Oops, I’m losing her, I better make more effort’, he acts as though he thinks ‘If she’s withdrawing the only explanations is that she isn’t interested anymore, or is cheating on me.’ And if I just go directly and tell him that I want him to be more affectionate and romantic, he also get’s all defensive and tells me not to nag.
.
How can I get him to be romantic and pursue me again?

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Trisha October 17, 2013, 10:47 am

I know this comment is nearly a year old but for everyone else reading this I want to leave a bit of advice: if you are dating or in a relationship with a man like this, RUN FOR THE HILLS.

I married a man who was like this, but I was too young to know anything. I ended up having no life of my own, because I was taught that the man of the house was the priority. Any friends, interests or time spent that didn’t include him made him very insecure and resentful. He also didn’t pursue me harder if I withdrew. He made me feel bad about myself. Took me many years and therapy to finally find myself again but I did. And I left him. And still, I’m the one who is “going to regret throwing away a good marriage to ‘find myself’.”

The guy in the comment above is the beginning of a life of imprisonment if you don’t GTFO!

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Trisha November 17, 2013, 1:51 am

Dear Fairy Godmother lol,

I’m sorry it was musconstrued, I meant by putting it in quotes that he said that to me, not that I was going to regret it. Hardly. I’m having the time of my life. So while I’m not looking for a committed relationship right now I have no opinion regarding your last statement. I may feel differently later but for now, by making sure that sex is a given, it becomes a non-issue and both me and my date relax and have fun and his focus isn’t on “am I gonna get some” and mine isn’t on “but will he call me if I have sex with him”.

Withholding sex seems counterproductive to me. If he’s a guy that’s gonna not call you after you have sex, I’d rather know as soon as possible before I get too attached to him. I am of the opinion that I’m not “giving anything up” but rather weeding out the guys that suck in the bedroom.

I say the feminist thing to do is that women should take back our sexuality and not let men decide if we are worthy of their attention If they consider us “sluts”. But personally I have more to offer a man than sex, and that’s what keeps them coming back. My advice is to not make sex an issue and cultivate yourself, strive to be a better, more interesting person, not for anyone but yourself.

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