Ask A Guy: When He’s Still In Touch With His Ex post image

Ask A Guy: When He’s Still In Touch With His Ex


My boyfriend is still in close contact with his most recent ex in a way which is troubling me. I know he has remained close to a few of his ex’s which doesn’t concern me at all (he has the right to be friends with anyone) but the most recent ex is still extremely needy. She sends him nasty texts saying he is forgetting his friends if he hasn’t seen her for a while, posts catty comments on his Facebook page, yet he still won’t cut her off.

He says it is easier to remain friends with her than not to, but I personally won’t surround myself with people who are so toxic. He lent her a sum of money in the past which I think she still hasn’t paid back which could be a factor.

I feel that by keeping her in his life, he is being slightly disrespectful to me, as she clearly still has some kind of hold over him for him to put up with this. His other friends and parents agree with me, but I can’t get him see it from any other point of view.

Please help before I drive myself mad!!!!!

At the heart of the issue, this sort of thing stems from your own fears. Now I only have limited information, but in past situations like this women have told me it stems from the fear that he might have feelings for her or that he’s not totally over her. Fear that she might do something to screw up your relationship with him. Fear that she might take advantage of him (and you want to protect him from that.)

While these are all legitimate fears, remember that they are your fears and therefore your responsibility in terms of handling them.

The fact is that just about any high-quality guy out there is going to have ex-girlfriends. He may or not be friends with them.

You may not mind some of his ex’s and other ex’s you may absolutely hate. And there’s no “relationship law” that says you should like them.

Generally speaking, though, when you have a relationship with someone, you consider it your relationship with that other person. Now, have you ever had someone you had a relationship with that other people didn’t approve of… maybe a friend, an ex, a current boyfriend, etc.

People would say they didn’t like the person and they would give a reason. The first time you would take their opinion into consideration (because after all, the person who said it to you is probably someone that you know cares for you.) But regardless of their opinion, it didn’t change yours.

Why? Because it was your relationship. It was yours – they didn’t know the person in the way you knew them. They didn’t understand… and frankly, you didn’t want to explain it to them because really it’s none of their business (and they probably wouldn’t see your point of view anyway). Still, you appreciated their sentiment since you knew it was said out of their love and concern for you.

But then maybe that person said it a second time. Now you’re getting annoyed – they don’t know that person how you know them! After you heard their opinion once, that was enough. Now you’re starting to resent them saying anything to you… now you’re starting to block their opinion out because it’s none of their business.

Now, I’m assuming you’ve had this experience at least once in your life. I definitely have… And the truth is some of the time the people warning me about a relationship were right… but other times they were absolutely, positively wrong. But I can tell you, every time that someone has pressured me by telling me their opinion of someone more than once, I started to resent them for making the complaint.

Why? Because when they tell me more than once that they don’t agree with my relationship with a person, they’re disrespecting me. They’re disrespecting my ability to make a decision based on my evidence and what I see in front of me.

So my opinion is to not respond to whatever his situation is with his ex… I’m not saying flat out ignore it (though that’s not entirely a bad idea). But getting worked up about it will most likely lead you to a bad place

Yeah, it’s not easy. Oh, believe me, it’s not easy.

I can tell you that when I was on the receiving end of this sort of thing, I was not graceful about it. Years ago, I would be dating a girl and she would be carrying on conversations with an ex because he was a friend. At first, I would try to be cool about it… let it go. But then it would eat away at me because, in my mind, there is nothing worse than being played for a fool.

It was my fear, but I would run it around in my head, again and again until it became this “monster” of a thought. Then the poor girl would get a text or something from her ex-boyfriend/friend and I would explode into an angry tirade about it. I regret it – it was destructive and never ever helped my relationship. I learned my lesson though. I handled my problem (because it was my problem, not hers.)

The truth is that when I was in that situation, I didn’t manage my fears. I’m trying to remember how I felt exactly… It was like, I was so afraid of the idea that she could have been doing something and playing me for a fool that I felt compelled to snuff out any relationship she had that made me uncomfortable. It was insecurity at its finest, and it’s not a male thing- it’s a human thing.

There were lessons I needed to learn. I needed to learn to trust my own instincts – to trust that I would know something was wrong if my relationship was bad, not because I felt jealous or uncomfortable about a relationship she had. Frankly, people are going to do whatever they want to do anyway. Playing detective or trying to control the other person to prevent them from being able to contact someone is just going to fill that person with resentment and will drain you of energy you could put towards better things… like making your relationship good.

Seriously meditate on this thought: People are going to do whatever they want to do. No amount of trying to control them, or to “guilt” them, or to reason with them, or to commit to them, etc. is going to change that. Of course your actions matter, but what I’m saying here is that in the end, you can’t control the other person and even if you were able to, it’s much better to know that the other person is going to be the way you want them to be without you having to expend energy on “controlling” them. My feeling these days is that if your relationship is good in the moments that you’re with the person, it’s good. Worrying about what they could do just throws away any chance for enjoying your own life.

For me, realizing this… really really realizing it… made me free. I stopped trying to be perfect and control everything so I could feel OK. And most importantly, I stopped interpreting someone else’s actions as a reflection of me.

Anyway, I’m just sharing how I felt when I was in this sort of situation. You’re going to handle it however you’re going to handle it – all I’m doing is sharing my experience with you. But I can tell you from my experience (both on the giving and receiving end of things), outside opinions are not appreciated. If I were in your situation, I would do whatever I could to avoid the subject of this ex-girlfriend altogether.

I hope this article helped give you some clarity on how to handle things if he’s still in touch with his ex. But there is more you need to know. There is one defining moment in every relationship that determines if it will last, or if you will be left heartbroken…

At some point, he will ask himself: Is this the woman I want to commit myself to? The answer will determine whether the relationship deepens or ends. Do you know how a man decides a woman is girlfriend or wife material? Do you know what inspires a man to want to commit? If not, you need to read this article next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman

Another major problem is if you think he might be losing interest or pulling away. Do you know what to do when this happens? If not, you run the risk of making the most common relationship-ruining mistakes. Read this now and learn exactly how to handle it: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...

Hope it helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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holly

i was with a man that was so attached with his ex wife to me was not normal his kids are 18 and 20 he use to take her on vacation she lives out of state so i think thats why we stayed together that long she would text him every other day some about kid some not call a couple times a week he was only married 4 years and she wanted a divorce now fifteen years later he still treat her like his wife and he would tell me im just being friendly to her he would never tell me if he was friends with her i would not care if he was truthful so one day i found out he gave her 15000 for a nother house she was in a house wanted to get a new one why not when you have a ex husband to give u money with me he was a big talker we going to go all these places he never took me or did much and he has no money problems and when i would say something about the ex i was never nasty about her only in my mind he would tell me i have to get away from her also when he would visit his kids he would stay at her house i also think they would have sex ill never understand why a man was so attentive to his ex she was the one that ended it anyway deep inside i never felt his connection to me i knew he had never got over his marriage but he would treat me like garbage when i left he had no idea why i did but he would never think all his lying would catch up really he must of thought i was pretty stupid to believe him not see through now i know why he had no relationship since they divorced 12 years cause he is content with ex wife and she had a boyfriend i always felt like i was in a triangle it was very hard im still mad at myself for ever believing all his bs

Reply June 5, 2020, 2:56 pm

Pam

I respectfully disagree. When you enter a love-interest relationship, you should focus on that person. Relationships take work/time. People busy lives. If you having conversations with your exes you may not be communicating those feelings with your new love interest. These communications build your relationship. I had a guy tell me he is still friends with many of his exes. I terminated that relationship. That guy can’t go the distance. He is not someone who commits. He’s someone who has a romp-in-the-hay then moves on to the next girl. His move on plans includes: Let’s still be friends. This article supports immature behavior that does not help a person move on and go the distance with another.

Reply July 12, 2019, 11:13 am

Eric Charles

To be honest, in this day and age, yes I think relationships need to be very solidly and clearly defined with clear guidelines that both people are happy to abide by.
So I think, to drive at the heart of the issue, if my girlfriend was in touch with her ex I would say that it’s something that needs to end in respect to our relationship.
One of the great traps of our time is how wishy-washy relationships have become. It used to be so clear, and while the last decades the culture has been rebelling against structure and clear roles, the world it has created is just a mushy, confusing mess that leads nowhere. It hasn’t led to stronger, more fulfilling relationships… it’s led to weaker relationships with a soaring divorce rate.
The challenge of our time is, in an age where there’s no vision, no structure, no archetype for a great relationship and lifestyle, we must be ruthlessly good at organizing our life in a way that will produce what we want. My organizing principle would be whether or not any particular thing is good for the strength of our relationship… and unfortunately, any kind of ongoing relationship with another guy would sow seeds for weakening the relationship and must not be there in the relationship, just as it would be equally bad if the guy has ongoing relationships with other women in some capacity.
Granted, we need to be realistic about certain things. For example, I have female employees and I have a rapport with them in order to work well together. That’s a female relationship that must be maintained, though it does make things complicated since it’s an exception to what I would consider an effective relationship standard to have in place on both sides.
I imagine we are in agreement with all this…

Reply July 14, 2019, 12:17 pm

Denise Mackie

thank you !!

Reply October 29, 2019, 12:54 pm

Enough Already

I’m so tired of this. I hear what you’re saying, and I’ve tried to do this for over a year. My boyfriend has an ex that he dated and lived with for 4 years. Prior to that they were friends in High School. I understand they have a past, and I have been tolerant of their relationship together, for the most part, for the past year.

What complicates all of this is:
1. A 3 of us used to work together
2. She always needed to sit next to him at lunches, touching him with her body
3. She refuses to meet me with him outside of work, or at lunch away from the office
4. He hangs out with her privately once a week and does a private lunch with her once a week (even though she no longer works with the same company. He drives to pick her up, take her to lunch, and take her home because she doesn’t drive.)
5. She texts him every waking moment.

I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve talked to him about it several times and he said he would help me. To be clear, each time I told him I wasn’t trying to break their relationship, because I know they’re best friends, but that I was uncomfortable and needed his help to get past it. Each time he’s agreed. This last time he told her I was uncomfortable because I think she still has feelings for him and she just shrugged. I asked if he pushed the subject. H

Reply October 11, 2017, 7:02 pm

Enough Already

Sorry, something messed up..

He said he didn’t, because if he did he would lose a friend.

Me: And isn’t that a problem that she doesn’t care about you and how this is affecting you?
Him: She’s just weird like this. I know how this is going to end.
Me: With us breaking up?
Him: No, with her and I not speaking.
Me: I am not asking for that, I’m just asking to be included in your relationship and maybe for her to back off a bit, especially when we’re together.
Him: I know. She’s being stupid.
Me: I’ve been really understanding about this…
Him: I know you have. This isn’t your fault.

And we ended the conversation. But today, instead of running a 5k with me, he’s hanging out with her.

We’re going to have to talk this week, because I can’t keep doing this.

Reply October 11, 2017, 7:03 pm

Nykiah Walker

Sorry if this is a couple of months late but I hope that you’ve found a solution. Most people would say to leave but I say to make him play cat and mouse, Make him chase after you. You leave temporarily, maybe even see other guys because in actuality he’s seeing another female. It may not be sexually but he’s giving his energy to another female that is not you.Also, try to be his best friend. If he doesn’t let you in…then I would go. I cannot tolerate another woman wining and dining with my man. I would make some drastic adjustments before you self destruct because I know how it feels. Good luck!

Reply December 23, 2017, 6:21 pm

Haley

I caught my boyfriend of 2 yrs secretly talking to his ex. I thought it was only for 2 weeks or so but I just figured out that it’s actually been going on for several months. I have seen messages where either he or she has been like “I miss your handwriting” or “I miss you” and he also sent her the kiss emoji and other flirty messages.I’ve already asked him the first time I caught him why he was talking to her and he said I don’t know I just do and found it hilarious how I was upset about it but said he would stop. And after i found the messages the first time and after he already said he stopped talking to her i found messages saying things like where are you i want to hang out with you…and then he admitted he met up with her for smoothies, and didnt tell me until i found tbe messages 4 days later. I just today found more messages from over 2 months ago and his responce was i was in a different place then but i know i love you now and want to be with you and that he’d be lost if I leave. I’m confused and I’m not sure what to do next.

Reply June 11, 2017, 10:23 pm

Michelle Fuscone

what you do is DUMP HIM. He’s being shady AF and disrespectful to you. He does these things because he knows you let him do it, just leave him. There are plenty of men who will treat you right.

Reply June 22, 2017, 4:03 pm

Black Cat

Superb stuff, a very realistic and mature point of view, reading your comment really made me think and has put things into perspective. Thank you!

Reply May 22, 2017, 5:55 pm

Felicia

Great write

Reply February 21, 2017, 8:41 am

Bee

Wow. This is the best advice on this topic! Definitely well said. Thank you very much!

Reply February 7, 2017, 4:02 am

anonymous

Hi eric.
I am dating a guy since almost an year.everything is just going too good between us. he has suddenly started talking to his ex girlfriend who he said,he loved the most but now over her before we started dating. now that they have started talking, they have become good friends now. They talk whole day and night. he keeps reminding me that I am unreplaceable and I’m his first priority but when I read their chats he seems to be more interested in talking to her as compared to when he talks to me. I have told him this many times that I don’t like them talking, but he starts to talk to her again. they are planning to meet too, and I’m Hating this. I don’t know if I’m jealous but this is killing me inside and I don’t know how to handle this situation. please help!

Reply January 11, 2017, 11:35 am

Maria

You need to leave this guy. He is clearly having a relationship with her. Actions speak louder than words. A guy who really wants to be with you will not have any other women before you. He is playing you right in front of your face and lying to you about it. Go with your instincts and don’t just be on a shelf for him. He is most likely cheating on you physically, he is definitely cheating emotionally on you. Run.

Reply September 30, 2017, 5:24 pm

Lisa

Dump him, unceremoniously and preferably for another guy. Or at least start dating other guys and don’t try to hide it. He’s completely lacking in even the minutest concern for your feelings. He’s despicable. A life with him would be a living hell.

Reply April 15, 2022, 11:47 pm

Laura Bell

Wow this is really helpful.

Reply November 6, 2016, 6:28 pm

Gabe

I have been seeing this guys and first two dates were amazing, there was instant connection and it felt like i could trust him. In the beginning he opened up right away saying that he was dating this girl back in the summer but they decided to split ways because it was long distance. Last night we talked on the phone and he told me that he is stuck in a limbo because he really likes me but the emotional attachment is still there with the other girl even tho he knows it may not workout. He would talk to her every so often and i asked hes thinking of seeing her in the states in 2 weeks. I asked him, if you know its not gonna work out why would you put yourself in a position where you can come back with a bigger scar. He said he doesnt know what to expect but he feels like it needs to be done whether its closure or they want to try to make it work. And i asked him “if you guys were still talking why did you go out with me?” He said because he doesnt see the point of waiting for somebody for the rest of his life. Now i dont know what to do. He said he see something with me but hes not ready and i dont want to wait around and just be the other girl. I dont know if hes just saying this to cut me off too in a suddle way but if he is being real a part of me wants to wait until he comes back and makes the decision. Any input?

Reply September 23, 2016, 11:53 am

Lisa

Don’t wait! Never wait for a man to make up his mind. He either wants you or he doesn’t and waiting around will only make his lose respect and want you less. Date other guys and don’t worry if he finds out about it. The fear of losing you will help him to make up his mind.

Reply April 15, 2022, 11:52 pm

Jay

Hi there. I was wondering if anyone could help me out. I had been seeing this guy who had just recently broken up with his ex of over a year. He told me the relationship should’ve ended months before but he couldn’t end it cause she had really bad anxiety and depression and he was worried shed do something so he finally got her to get help them ended it. He started talking to me the following week. We got along really well and I really luejd him and he told me all the sane stuff. That he really liked me and didn’t wanna lose me on multiple occasions I heard this. Well I had gotten upset with him because he had canceled plans on me and it’s one of my biggest pet peeves. He said he didn’t think we ahouldbsee each other anymore because he had a lot if stuff going on in his life and that he just didn’t want a relationship and wasn’t gonna be ready anytime soon for one. He said he had wanted to stay friends. Well he went to a concert in the town she lives in and ended up staying at her place. I know this because I saw pictures of them cuddling. They are not back in a relationship together. In heartbroken. No we hadn’t been together for long but he made me feel like I was special. He said her father was crazy and it was all just toxic. I feel like such an idiot. I really liked him. I don’t know what to do. What’s worse is that he works right next door and I have to see him almost everyday

Reply July 29, 2016, 9:50 am

Lisa

He basically broke up with you when he said he didn’t want a relationship. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings about the other girl. Don’t give him a second thought, he’s worthless.

Reply April 15, 2022, 11:54 pm

Liz

Great article. What this article has taught me is that you can’t control someone, or in other words stop them, from doing things that will hurt you. Therefore – don’t waste your time on people who will do things that only hurt you and make you insecure/doubt yourself. Instead, find someone who you don’t feel a need to ‘control’ – because that person won’t be doing these hurtful things. I believe that in most cases when your s/o has this ‘great’ relationship with an ex, they are still holding a torch for them and it is a power play over you to control you and have you as their placeholder for now. We need to find people who won’t ‘monkeybranch’ us and will help us become better people :)

Reply March 28, 2016, 6:56 pm

Tammy

HI I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with my fiance. When we first started going out in had told him one of my boundaries was no talking to exes no exceptions. About a few weeks into our relationship he calls his ex Cathy that he was on and off with for 10 years. He swears there is just friendship between them and they have no desire of getting back together. He called her in front of me and told her he was happy and found his angel. He called her a few times after that and always talked highly of me and how happy he is. Then it would be text messages and more phone calls, she always wanted to talk to him about her kids. Then shortly after that he wanted to talk to his other expenses Michelle, again to tell him how happy he is and to see what was going on in her life. One day he was letting me read some text messages and I had found a response to his ex Michelle that he would call her later and they would have a long talk. He did not tell me about this so I confronted him with it and told him if he continues to talk to his exes I’m leaving. I told him to call Cathy immediately in front of me and tell her he’s in a relationship and does not want to speak with her again because it is disrespectful to me and our relationship. So he calls her and says Tammy feels it is disrespectful and Tammy feels we shouldn’t talk anymore so I can’t talk to you anymore. I felt a knife go through my heart. Then about a year ago he said he still wants to talk to them. So today he claims he doesn’t want to talk to them ever again and that he stopped talking to them almost 2 years ago. They are officially his phone so I hope so. He has apologized and swears he loves me and wants to marry me. He shows in many ways I’m his angel. He treats me like a queen. I’m still struggling over this and don’t know if I can get passed it and fully trust him. Please help!

Reply March 16, 2016, 6:37 pm

GL

I recently ended a “thing” because he wouldn’t tell me about his relationship with his ex. It looked like they were on and off, and I don’t really want to be 2nd choice to anyone. I basically wanted to know if it was truly over. He deflected me every time. Told me I was jealous and all this bs. Because he can’t give me a straight answer, I can’t trust him. If the tables were turned I would say: ‘we have dated off and on but it’s over now,’ or something to indicate I don’t have anything holding me back from being someone else. He took my questions as some kind of control thing. And his shadiness about it indicates there’s something up there that I should take note of. He would also pull the hot and cold thing. Screw it. And I became the bad guy for asking questions, even after I explained that I wasn’t interested in being 2nd choice. He took that too, as me thinking we’re in a relationship. Ok well why do you come to me all romantically, ask me to watch your dog and evaluate something for your business, and take me on an amazing date? It all makes so much sense I just had to break it off because of all the love.

Reply February 23, 2016, 1:02 am

Jezebel

What do you do when even you bringing her name up to discuss the issue makes him defensive? What if he trash talks and complains about you to her? When they flirt and she talks about being naked to him, he asks her about her ‘panties’, she calls him ‘my man’? This is crossing boundaries. He is now hiding their continuing communication on purpose because I told him it makes me uncomfortable and asked him to stop it. We had an argument about it. I feel like the trash talking and the flirting is the biggest betrayal of all. He is not respecting my feelings, and letting her pollute our relationship. So hurt and mad…

Reply January 23, 2016, 7:34 pm

GL

He’s not over it. I once dated this guy who would bring up his ex-wife “Julia.” Julia this, Julia that, Julia Julia. I wish I dumped him after the third lament. You can’t tell someone what they can or can’t say. I’d tell him that you don’t think he’s over it and it doesn’t make you feel good at all. If he can’t leave her in the past, leave him in the past.

Reply February 23, 2016, 1:07 am

Annaliz

Dear Eric,
I feel like an idiot. I am in a relationship with a guy for over 14 months. He is nice, kind and caring and loving, but I have one difficult issue with us. When we started, he told me there is a woman in his life, he considers one of his closest friends, with whom he had a short relationship before me and it did not work out but she still has feelings for him. I got rather insecure so I wanted to know about their friendship. He kept it away from me, and he also told me that he cannot introduce me to her because he has to protect her feelings. In the meantime we threw a birthday party together to which she came (he wanted to invite her and I had no strength to say that I do not want it, even though I would have preferred to have met her before). During the birthday party we did not speak and when she was leaving she and him passed me by at the door, completely ignoring me. I was totally taken aback and quite angry. Later he still did not want to introduce me, and he was hiding from me his contact with her. I got completely frustrated and insecure and in the end, in the weakest moment of the year, when dealing with death of someone dear to me, I checked his email and I found out that he told her that I am insecure about her. In response she gave him advice on how to be nice to me and she asked him about advice on a guy she met. In response to that he told her that she is a wonderful, sexy fantastic woman, worth of a great relationship. That happened all in email. I asked him whether he ever told her that I am insecure about her, and he lied and said “No” three times. Then I told him that I checked his email and I know he lied. He was very angry about it, which I understand, but we sort of patched things up and I finally met her. However, here is the big issue. I do not understand their friendship, and I know I do not need to, as it is not my business, but I feel so incredibly insecure about this relationship of his and that drives me to obsession and close to madness. To clarify, he is also friends with two other exes (first girlfriend and also with ex wife), with whom I have no problem whatsoever and do not feel the jealousy or insecurity about them. He was open about them to me from the start and I have a good relationship with his ex wife and I know his first girlfriend. I do not want to control his relationship with the woman I am jealous about but I do not know how to handle this anymore. Please help me.

Reply January 5, 2016, 3:49 am

Angie

Hi Eric,

Thanks for the great article. What if that “ex” is a girl he cheated on you with (and when I say “cheated” I mean full on relationship but she didn’t know he was already dating someone)? The guy I’m considering giving a second chance says he’s changed, has dealt with the baggage that led him to cheat, and has no more romantic feelings for the girl, BUT in spite of the awful mess of him cheating, he and the girl have developed a friendship that he doesn’t want to let go of. Should I still take the approach you gave in the article and just accept the friendship and deal with my concerns on my own or is this a deal breaker? I have a hard time not seeing the relationship as another tie to the infidelity which makes it hard for me to leave it in the past. Pleas help? Thanks so much. :)

Reply December 26, 2015, 1:58 am

Ann

Hi Eric, thank you for this article, food for thought. I found it by searching for information about why my partner would still be contacting his ex. I’ve just read this and feel like crying. I’m suffering with anxiety attacks at the moment because my partner of a little over a year (who is the most loving, thoughtful man I’ve ever met) has started texting a woman he had a brief fling with before we got together. He kept this fling from me, despite us talking about other relationships/dates since leaving our respective marriages. I discovered it by accident and know that he still had feelings for her. But through all this, he has still been the most loving, attentive and thoughtful partner towards me and we have a great relationship. However, I am really anxious about why they are in contact again, especially as things have slowly progressed in our relationship. It is a slightly long distance relationship; we live an hours drive from each other but ensure we see each other one night a week, spend most weekends together, text occasionally through the day and speak every evening we don’t see each other . I’m not sure I trust him entirely because he kept this fling from me and couldn’t tell me why he did. We have recently spoken again about my feelings regarding this situation and he totally empathises with how I feel. He reassured me that it’s all dead and buried, but since then I know there has been some text messaging going on between them this week. It might be purely innocent; she lives in the village where he used to live, they were neighbours and he still does work around the village so is bound to bump into her. I just wish I could believe what he says and stop fretting whether or not he still has feelings for her :(

Reply December 10, 2015, 11:06 am

Confused One

Hi Eric,

I found this article on line as I searched for help with dealing with my boyfriend’s ex. I am hoping you can also give me clarity in my situation. If you want to respond to me directly to my email address, that is fine since this is a long message. My boyfriend (exclusive) and his ex-have been friends since childhood. They were in a 5 year relationship that ended before he met me. They didn’t talk for 2 years but about a year ago they resumed the friendship. He explained to her that they could only be friends and nothing more. I entered the picture shortly after. He told me they were still friends and still kept in touch. I didn’t realize that it was on a regular basis. He assured me that it was just friendship and nothing more. Admittedly he was the first guy that I had been involved with that still was still friends with his ex, so it’s taking a bit of an adjustment on my part. He has told her he is involved with someone else. At the time she was hoping to rekindle the relationship (he told me this), but he told her he was not interested. Even though I was uncomfortable with their continued friendship, I admit it made me uncomfortable. As my feelings for him grew deeper, it seemed to bother me even more. His friendships are important to him and she is one of his few lifelong friends. So I tried to get a handle on my problem with it. As you said, it is my problem not his. Well I did the unthinkable. About 5 months ago I saw his text messages from/to her, not intentionally. No, I did not seek it out to search for anything. It was perfectly innocent. I saw the number of texts they had exchanged and it shocked me. After seeing that, yes I read through them and yes I am ashamed. I have never done that before in any relationship, even in one when I had every reason to believe the guy was being unfaithful. But that’s in the past. Anyway, I saw the frequency of the texts and it hurt me. But then what hurt me even more than anything was I saw a few sexual texts. If they were only friends, then why are the texts of a sexual nature? It was a few sentences, but there it was. I was devastated. I called him on it, however I did not tell him I read the messages. He did say that she made a comment about being horny but he just told her she needed to do something about that and laughed it off. He didn’t realize that I read the texts with him playing along with her. I told him that it was disrespectful to me and the relationship. He said it didn’t mean anything to him, but still didn’t admit to sexting with her. The fact that he did exchange sexual texts with her (even if it meant nothing to him) AND lied to my face about doing it multiple times, hurt me deeply and still does hurt to this day. He said he wouldn’t do it again out of respect for me and apologized. He also said that he told her they wouldn’t do it again, but it did damage my trust in him. I gave him an out. I told him if he still wanted to be with her he should go be with her. I will not stand in his way nor will I be the other woman. He said he didn’t want her. I heard him, but because he continued to lie to me, I found it hard to believe him. Did I want to end this relationship that was otherwise wonderful because of this? I had to make that decision. Because of this, I wanted to see if he was still lying to me. I checked his messages again. This time it was intentional. I looked and there again a little more than a month later they were sexting again. Still a sentence or two, but it was still sexting. The first time it was at the end of July, the second time it was at the end of September.
I felt like she did it deliberately to see if he cared about me as much as he said he did. If he loved me he wouldn’t engage in any sexting with her, but yet again he did. Eric, I was crushed. What does this mean? He knows how I feel about it and he still did it again. He has said that in past relationships when things have gone bad that if he has cheated he will lie about it unless he is caught red handed. Things aren’t bad between us at all. He tells me this is a great relationship and he is very happy. So if he is happy, and it means nothing to him, why do it? I was trying very hard to accept that they are still friends, but knowing that every so often their conversations turn to a sexual nature how I am supposed to deal with that? Eric, I really need to understand the reason behind this behavior. We have talked about marriage but I need to resolve this before that can ever happen. No, I still have not told him I saw those text messages. I know you said in your article that people will do what they want to do. I feel as you did, like a fool. What are your thoughts?

Thank you very much for your time.

Reply December 8, 2015, 11:42 am

Ann

Hey Confused One, I can so relate to this and the feelings that you’re experiencing as I am going through a similar situation (see my post above yours) and have snooped at text messages and read things I wish I hadn’t. I’ve never done that before and I don’t like myself for doing it :(

Reply December 10, 2015, 11:15 am

Confused One

Thank you Ann. It’s not something I am proud of nor will I do it again. He doesn’t have romantic feelings for her, thankfully. But I am interested in what is driving this behavior since he tells me he is very happy in our relationship. I’m hoping that Eric sees these posts at some point. I would really like his input on both of our situations.

Reply December 11, 2015, 11:52 am

Cheyenne

Hello.
I’m glad I found this page.. because you seem to know a lot about relationships and obviously how men think… my situation is a little messed up and i would love to know your opinion on my situation, because every single day it eats at me and maybe you could be some help to me ..
my boyfriend also my daughters father, is still in contact with his ex girlfriends parents and family… his ex and I absolutely hate each other, long story short …we use to be friends, she turned into a shady bitch and we stopped talking, afterwards we reconnected again and she told me she was
pregnant, She now was with another man and moved on happy … so after my sons father and I broke up, I moved back to the city where I use to live … saw her and her ex boyfriend (they were still friends then) Anyways him and I ended up hanging out because he was good friends with my sister and the one night we hung out , we just clicked … I already had an attraction for him, but I never had any intentions with him…
anyways we ended up hanging out , slept together that same night (sh** happens) and every since then we have been together … 3 years ago now
I fell in love with him and have never felt this way about anyone before .. I feel secure and safe and just happy we’re together .. it’s hard to explain, but I’m happy with him.
… anyways again long story short
She ended up having her baby, he looks nothing like the father and apparently he looks like my boyfriend, my boyfriend asked for DNA test and she declined and told him no that he just wishes the baby was his.
about a year later her and “daddy” break up.
and she starts calling and text my boyfriend at whenever she felt like it , he would ignore it ..
anyways he still is in contact with her family and goes over there from time to time to see them and it bothers me so much, because I find it disrespectful to me … like I wish he was in my shoes dealing with all of this bs.
She wrote me on Valentine’s Day and told me that it’s very rare she doesn’t see him every weekend and now counting his week day drop ins , that it’s always been her and him and nobody can take that away from them…
that he has been hooking up with her for a year and a bunch of other things.
he Denys it of course and since then I haven’t heard from her.
although 3 months ago he left his phone out in the living room, obviously I went through his phone and her convo was still there from February.
about 2 weeks ago now I went and re checked and the convo was completely gone?
does that sound sketchy or what? Why would he delete the convo now? after all this time?
Something had to make him discover the convo.
and I even asked him if he’s had any contact with her …He said “no”.
also he called my son a meat head the other day, and that was her nick name to him… I caught it right away .. sorry about the long novel lol but what are your thoughts?
also just to throw this out there …. we have been together for 3 years and have an 11 months old and he still hasn’t said he loves me .. nor I to him.
is that crazy or what?
and he always says ” I don’t like words, actions matter”.

thanks for listening and maybe with your answer you will help me figure things out and understand where he’s coming from.

Reply October 16, 2015, 3:14 am

Mayra

my boyfriend’s ex told me that they had been texting. He would tell her that he wanted to see her one more time, that he wanted to kiss her. He would say that he wanted to leave me yet he never did. She would tell him hat she still felt something for him and he would say that he still wanted her to be a part of his life. That really hurt me , I just can’t get over it. He said he’s sorry and that the really loves me. I don’t know what to do. She got married already but I think she cheated on her now husband because that same month that she got married she was still talking to my boyfriend. This is so hard because I love him and has showed me that he feels the same towards me. But it hurts because he would tell her that she’s beautiful and he would even ask her for selfies. He never does that to me. He stopped talking to her. He said to leave all of that in the past.

Reply September 30, 2015, 4:19 pm

beentheredonethat

This last response by Tommy made more sense than the Original writer Eric himself. Tommy is kind and compassionate and he is not even saying it is another persons issues,not his. I think if he wrote this article, that would be more wholesome and well rounded. Though eric made some good points like- a person will do whatever they want to do anyway, so no reason trying to control them. But at the same time Eric comes from that clan of men who are also in need of some kind of validation from women who were in his past. If he wanted one solid relationship with one fine woman, that’s what his intentions and actions would show. Because I do know many men who do not want to keep in touch with their exes because they are in a serious, committed relationship and though they would never wish anything bad on their exes, they find it unnecessary distraction to have any other friends of the opposite sex in their life. They will still be civil to one another, but no reason to keep them as friends if they were sexually/romantically involved in the past.
But men like Eric do exist, and very commonly. They make you feel like you are wrong to want that special attention only to you, and when they are at the receiving end of such relationship, they solve the problem by ending it. What does that say about them? Like someone commented, ”some men love having a ‘female harem’ flocks of ex’s circling which truly prevents him from committing to that one special lady.
What can I say?

Reply September 13, 2015, 8:45 pm

Eric Charles

You’re making a lot of assumptions about me and you really don’t know what you’re talking about…

One of my “exes” is my business partner and we run a very successful business together.

One of my exes works for me and she’s a brilliant, gifted, awesome manager.

So for me, a girlfriend kind of has to accept that my “exes” will be a part of my life. That’s just a surface level fact, though… in terms of reality, nobody would ever know that I dated these women now that many years have passed.

There’s no lingering feelings on either side. No ambiguous communication. No deriving of validation (on my side or theirs).

You imply all sorts of motivations about why I say what I said instead of reading what I wrote. As I said before, you really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Reply September 13, 2015, 8:58 pm

Mary

What if there’s kids involved and their ex is alluding to our kids in the texts? That’s sick in my opinion and that needs to be dealt with.

Reply September 26, 2015, 12:50 pm

Eric Charles

I need a bit more info — are you talking about kids your guy had with an ex and she’s bringing up the kids they had together… or are you talking about kids you have with your guy and some ex of his is bringing them up in conversation?

Reply September 27, 2015, 2:09 pm

Anonymous

I disagree completely. And not from a point of insecurity, but a point of confidence. Being on good terms with an ex is one thing, keeping them in your life tangential to a budding relationship is another. I kind of go by the “love-sober” clause. After a breakup, 90 days of no contact. That is healthy;you may be depressed from the loss, but needing to end the relationship may be perfectly healthy. People who break up often confuse ending a bad relationship with neediness for the actual ex. Moreover, every person in a new relationship deserves to feel like they are the only ones…that is a healthy boundary, imo. I think it is a good thing for exes to wish each other well, keep in touch over major life events, but I have to be honest, a self-respecting woman wants only that. No, I hang out with her outside of you, we talk all the time…that is b.s. and not about being insecure. When you are truly over someone, you can care about them as a person, and yet not make them a part of your regular routine. I am so sick of people saying that asking for no or minimal contact with an ex is insecurity. It is actually about self-respect. I would never pursue a man whose ex was in the picture somehow, not because of low self esteem, but just knowing I could do way better. When you are in a relationship, you deserve to be the only one of the opposite sex that is needed, confided in, unless it is a friend only and never an ex.

Reply August 8, 2015, 1:53 am

Eric Charles

You start out saying that you disagree completely, but I don’t know who or what you’re disagreeing with… I never said anything to the contrary in my article or, well, ever…

I agree that (for the most part), going 90 days without talking to an ex after a break up is a good idea for most people. That doesn’t mean it needs to be done in a cold way or anything — one person could tell the other, “Look, I don’t hate you, I wish you the best, but I want you to know that after this breakup, I need to cut off contact… it’s not meant to hurt you, it’s something I need to get myself back on my feet.” (I mention that in case it’s helpful to people reading this who are dealing with breaking up with someone at the moment or might be sometime in the future.)

So yeah, I have no problem with breaking off contact for 90 days to get back on your feet… and I wouldn’t tell the ex 90 days either… I’d keep it as an internal thing.

At this point in my life, I wouldn’t need something like that, but I’m also pretty good about letting go of a relationship (no matter how great it was) when it’s time to let go… but years ago I definitely would have needed the 90 days and it would have done me good and kept me from going back to a poisoned well… Live and learn, though…

Now, that said, I read your comment and I pretty much agree with all of it… and I’ve never said anything otherwise… so maybe you meant to write, “I agree completely”… because you do (or you misread the article, which is possible).

There are times where people break up and then become great friends afterwards. I have that in my life, so do plenty of others. And being that they’re great friends of mine, I would expect that a woman I’m with would love them as friends just like I do. At the same time, though, I understand the awkward position it would be for a woman I’m dating if there was some kind of unresolved tension with me and my exes — so I equally hold myself to a high standard that my friendships with my exes don’t even remotely have any air of unresolved business.

Reply September 27, 2015, 2:22 pm

Margaret

I would have to agree with Anonymous;
I have been in a relationship with someone who’s ex constantly texts, messages, and has called him. Now she is sending parcels with her son’s pictures to my boyfriend (no, its not his son). It has put a wedge in our relationship. He refuses to cut ties but expects me to “suck it up” and to “move on” when he can’t. I feel that what she is doing is disrespectful and feel resentment towards him for not having the courage to tell her to back off.

Reply February 5, 2016, 4:42 pm

Hazel

Well my fella who has been divorced over 12 months now, says he wants to remain friends with his ex-wife. They both have been married before and they have no children. I wouldn’t mind so much if she had moved on but all she wants to do is contact him and is waiting for us to fail. My problem is he still listens to her but doesn’t want her. To me thats not helping her to move on and I think its cruel. Its not helping me either as he is always bringing up her name.

Reply June 24, 2015, 8:44 am

Hazel

Up date…Well I have had a terrible 2 months. My fella decided he wanted 6 months break to see if he has any feelings for me…he for some reason says he doesn’t feel he wants to chase me. So I was so angry and told him what I thought because he has known me for a long time. A few days later I was apologizing but he was been very hard on me and this went on for a few weeks. Any how we decided to meet up and see where we are. he told me he wants to be with me etc. but his emails were so up and down I didn’t know where I was going. So we decided to have 2 weeks break to see if it makes us want to be closer. The 2 weeks passed and we had coffee and he told me he has been with his ex but said he didn’t sleep with her. Met him again a week later but received an email saying he hasn’t been 100% honest with me or my feelings.
Met him and he said what he has to say I may walk out…yeah he has moved back with his ex, sleeping and having sex I was told and months before all this he has been in touch with her. I just sat and looked at him. Because I didn’t react we had the coffee and he is now telling me he had no where to live and she has all the comforts. But then was saying he wants to be with me and he would be happy to move in with me..(I live with my elderly mother) and she doesn’t like him. Oh feel all mixed up, hurt and there is nothing I can do. I do have a choices dump him or try and see if I can get him to come. But why go back to her and should I forgive him?

Reply July 30, 2015, 5:27 am

Hazel

Another up date….Well he moved in with me. The first month was ok difficult fitting in with my mother mainly on his part. second month he kept out of my mothers way..worked and went out a lot at night. I was then having a gut feeling he was up to something…found out he had been seeing his ex wife and she kept saying come back, its better here than there. Well he went..was going to walk with out saying a word I just was around when it happened. Never told me why except he didn’t want to lie to me any more. I honestly didn’t know how to act or what to say. he lied to me straight to my face. He told me he wont be going to his ex..going to his mates..then to sisters…he told me later he went straight to his ex wife..he is still there..she thinks they are a couple ..now he is contacting me..saying he will be coming back to me.
Today he phoned me and honestly I never felt comfortable just by some of the things he said to me..first was he saying just ringing to get this call done for the week so he doesn’t have to think of me…second after talking about his son and me just making conversation he says I am lecturing him which I wasn’t. Third he telling me how his ex criticises his driving like she was nagging the last one was about facebook. His sister put her self on facebook invited me and later invited his ex. the ex accepted but then saw me took her self off completely. He was telling me how and what he was telling her..I had enough..I told him I was not interested in what he and she say to each other..also said I dont know if you do this to upset me or to get to me …he hung up on me. I never contacted him or called him back.

Reply January 10, 2016, 10:30 pm

Crystal

This article helped me to stop and think of what i was actually putting myself into; i was creating madness. I could have done something horrible and make my significant other feel indifferent because of my jealousy. Even when i have no worries, because he has told me many times that he chose ME. We are almost a year and he has never hurt me or give me reason to distrust him. So while creating this madness, i could have wrecked everything we built. This piece was something i needed to read. Thank you.

Reply April 22, 2015, 8:31 pm

superstar

Y aint i gettin any answers bk i need to no wot would other people do

Reply April 15, 2015, 8:46 pm

s

I have a boyfriend since 10months now…but still he talks to his ex girlfriend regularly… when I came to know about it…I tried to break up with him…but he is not ready to leave me…nor he is ready to leave her…he gets insecure for me…he is concerned about me but he doesn’t leave her….even his ex gf knows about us but still she doesn’t move on…she keeps on poking him…nd he also starts talking to him…I don’t know what to do…please help

Reply April 9, 2015, 8:49 pm

s

I have a boyfriend since 10months now…but still he talks to his ex girlfriend regularly… when I came to know about it…I tried to break up with him…but he is not ready to leave me…nor he is ready to leave her…he gets insecure for me…he is concerned about me but he doesn’t leave her….even his ex gf knows about us but still she doesn’t move on…she keeps on poking him…nd he also starts talking to him

Reply April 9, 2015, 8:33 pm

miss s

Hi can I ask a question please and someone please do read it and give me a answer back I really need to know!! Basically I met this guy who said he wasn’t in his relationship anymore and hasn’t seen or spoken to his last girl before me for months’ why being together into begining of the relationship I seen the girl who had said I wouldn’t trust him he will cheat on you well because of the way he spoke to me I believed him so I said no he won’t he loves me well anyway she was trying to tell me him and her had slept back since he been with me but didn’t want to say it straight out well I asked what was she getting at untill in the end she confessed about him and her’ I then rang his phone and went crazy as I was so into him but he denyed it and told me its just people don’t want to see us together and happy so I believed well one day he made love to me and after he told me he did I forgave him but couldn’t find my self to trust him I wasalways consious about them well he told me he had stopped speaking as didn’t want to hurt me well anyway he actually didn’t she sent text saying does he want to make love again and things ect.. Well I knew what was going on but asked as if I didn’t he yet again denyed it now its been 2years and he still been seeing her he has her in his phone photo and plenty of her too well I went in his phone without him knowing and made out she seen me on the street and told me he loves her he has her in his phone he don’t care about you that’s why he hasn’t got no pic of you well he kinda believed he was trying all things to get out of it tho I asked does he he said no even tho I seen myself but didn’t want to say he gets mad when ever you talk about her and ect yet he denys her to me all the time why is that can someone please help me I’m confused!! Miss s

Reply April 2, 2015, 8:01 pm

Anonymous

Hello, I’m 25 and Ill try make this as short as possibel or I’ll write a book here. Please don’t judge me … Basically I met my best friend and love 3 years ago we literally crashed into each other/ car accident. I was starting a 3 year uni course and we spent an amazing summer together spoke all night he was all I ever wanted and needed in a person except I did have Babbage from my past but he made me see what caring for somone really is and how it should be, he made me a better person. He told me about his past which was painful for him and thus he has some insecurities and trust issues also he’s gorgeous and different but actually has some confidence issues but in his own way confident …. This is where my issues starts, he told me about his ex that after two years cheated on him whilst drunk and got a kid with another man. Two years later she comes back they have sex and then he tells her to go away because he thought she was a bitch basically. Consider all this stuff apparently happened 8 years ago from when I met him so he said. So we lived together 3 years he said he wanted to build something with me that’s why he invested all the time and everything into our relationship he was willing to have a long distance relationship with me, he said all this as we were coming to an end. Heres the mix up he told me he couldn’t have kids he even diagnosed his problem. I trusted him with my life,I got into a situation where I was put in a very bad situation for my fault but innocently and basically I felt like I had to sacrifice myself to save my relationship it’s complicated to get into that now, I was put in a situation where I felt forced to have sex with this phyco except we didn’t have sex because I pushed him off crying and he had a condom on. After one month I found out I was pregnant and told him what happened except he was sure it wasn’t his and I couldn’t understand how it possibel, so I immediately got paranoid and had all tests done up and thank to God I was ok. i believed my boyfriend at the time he couldn’t have kids and did for for 1.5 years. so I aborted thinking it was what happened to me somhow. I refused sexual contact until he went to the docter because after that I wasn’t comfortable having gone through that trauma to be free with him and of course he didn’t ask me with protection and I wasn’t on any contraceptive. he said I was paranoid its in my head for like 3 months till one late night he convinced me to have sex and I gave in told him not to finish inside me he was so upset saying I changed after what had happened to me. I immediately started crying after that I was pregnant and he calmed me down and said not to worry i was so angry he managed to convince me after what I had been through, I literally wanted to kill myself I felt like killing myself out of anger, I was so traumatised. So in a span of 5 months from the first one I eneded up again pregnant, the 2nd confirming it was infact his shocked in disbelieve I could get into this situation when I was fighting with him and refusing him till he went to the doctors. This time I wanted to keep my baby . It killed me to know so was the first and I should have done a DNa instead of defending him and letting him talk about the coincidence which got me thinking it couldn’t have been his he can’t. So I excepted that it was a crazy mistake and what happened to me was somthing bad, we worked through. So I let the first go but what about the second I wanted our baby. I had a year left of uni and didn’t feel supported by my dad even though he has all possibilities and then there was him telling me it’s not fair to bring a child into this world you can’t take care of etc and basically made me feel unsupported by him. I was scared and wish I had more faith in myself. He didn’t want the child but I know in my heart he would support us. After that like 8 months past I couldn’t be touched ..no physical contact on my part and on top of that he was supportive very he did everything. It makes me cry how much he tried. I was just stressed out with a medical issue. In the end I don’t know why partially anger but I got given back some form of passion and maybe it was an illusion of support I didn’t get from him unconsciously.. I cheated on him and told him…he still stayed, I kicked him out after 3 months, we got back shortly and then he left saying he didn’t want to be refused anymore by me. one month later I find out he’s with his ex of 8 years ago and plays play station with her child and they are moving in together. I can not rap my mind around this also he cut me out of his life completely and thinks of me as shit. I felt like I lost everything and have been mourning him it’s been 9 months. He started with her a few weeks after he left. I’m confused … What did I just go through ???..who was he.??… Was there a dark secrete all along?… What’s the truth ? … Help please !!! short as possibel or I’ll write a book here. Basically I met my best friend and love 3 years ago we literally crashed into each other/ car accident. I was starting a 3 year uni course and we spent an amazing summer together spoke all night he was all I ever wanted and needed in a person except I did have Babbage from my past but he made me see what caring for somone really is and how it should be, he made me a better person. He told me about his past which was painful for him and thus he has some insecurities and trust issues also he’s gorgeous and different but actually has some confidence issues but in his own way confident …. This is where my issues starts, he told me about his ex that after two years cheated on him whilst drunk and got a kid with another man. Two years later she comes back they have sex and then he tells her to go away because he thought she was a bitch basically. Consider all this stuff apparently happened 8 years ago from when I met him so he said. So we lived together 3 years he said he wanted to build something with me that’s why he invested all the time and everything into our relationship he was willing to have a long distance relationship with me, he said all this as we were coming to an end. Heres the mix up he told me he couldn’t have kids he even diagnosed his problem. I trusted him with my life,I got into a situation where I was put in a very bad situation for my fault but innocently and basically I felt like I had to sacrifice myself to save my relationship it’s complicated to get into that now, I was put in a situation where I felt forced to have sex with this phyco except we didn’t have sex because I pushed him off crying and he had a condom on. After one month I found out I was pregnant and told him what happened except he was sure it wasn’t his and I couldn’t understand how it possibel, so I immediately got paranoid and had all tests done up and thank to God I was ok. i believed my boyfriend at the time he couldn’t have kids and did for for 1.5 years. so I aborted thinking it was what happened to me somhow. I refused sexual contact until he went to the docter because after that I wasn’t comfortable having gone through that trauma to be free with him and of course he didn’t ask me with protection and I wasn’t on any contraceptive. he said I was paranoid its in my head for like 3 months till one late night he convinced me to have sex and I gave in told him not to finish inside me he was so upset saying I changed after what had happened to me. I immediately started crying after that I was pregnant and he calmed me down and said not to worry i was so angry he managed to convince me after what I had been through, I literally wanted to kill myself I felt like killing myself out of anger, I was so traumatised. So in a span of 5 months from the first one I eneded up again pregnant, the 2nd confirming it was infact his shocked in disbelieve I could get into this situation when I was fighting with him and refusing him till he went to the doctors. This time I wanted to keep my baby . It killed me to know so was the first and I should have done a DNa instead of defending him and letting him talk about the coincidence which got me thinking it couldn’t have been his he can’t. So I excepted that it was a crazy mistake and what happened to me was somthing bad, we worked through. So I let the first go but what about the second I wanted our baby. I had a year left of uni and didn’t feel supported by my dad even though he has all possibilities and then there was him telling me it’s not fair to bring a child into this world you can’t take care of etc and basically made me feel unsupported by him. I was scared and wish I had more faith in myself. He didn’t want the child but I know in my heart he would support us. After that like 8 months past I couldn’t be touched ..no physical contact on my part and on top of that he was supportive very he did everything. It makes me cry how much he tried. I was just stressed out with a medical issue. In the end I don’t know why partially anger but I got given back some form of passion and maybe it was an illusion of support I didn’t get from him unconsciously.. I cheated on him and told him…he still stayed, I kicked him out after 3 months, we got back shortly and then he left saying he didn’t want to be refused anymore by me. one month later I find out he’s with his ex of 8 years ago and plays play station with her child and they are moving in together. I can not rap my mind around this also he cut me out of his life completely and thinks of me as shit. I felt like I lost everything and have been mourning him it’s been 9 months. He started with her a few weeks after he left. I’m confused … What did I just go through ???..who was he.??… Was there a dark secrete all along?… What’s the truth ? … Help please !!!

Reply February 12, 2015, 2:25 pm

Tabak N

My bf wanted an open relationship and recently told me he was going to resume having a romantic relationship with his ex wife. Since, she is practically his anyways. He says he still wants to build with me and will just split his time between the two of us. I can date, but I have to ask permission to be intimate with someone else. This is so beyond me, I don’t even want to think about it. I can’t wrap my head around it. I’m in awe.

Reply February 4, 2015, 1:21 pm

J

I have a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. He and his ex have been separated for 3 years (they were never married). Yet her car is still in his name and she still uses his bank account. They still own property together, which I understand having to deal with each other over until it is sold, however, the bank account and the car I do not understand. He tells me he does not understand why it bothers me. Perhaps my fears are similar to the ones stated above by the author that are common among women. But whatever the reason, I think the appropriate thing would be to disconnect their lives as much as possible and move on. Thoughts??

Reply January 3, 2015, 9:19 pm

Sommer

So who thinks all bets are off when they secretly talk to their ex… Repeatedly? I just broke up with a guy I had been dating for 4+ years. We had several problems but they were stemmed from his relentless need to have her in his life… How much is too much??

Reply December 16, 2014, 7:34 am

Cassy

I just went threw the same thing I met a guy a year ago it was off and on … Yes we had other ppl in our life’s when meeting. When things I guess started to seem they were going somewhere he was still talking to his ex all the time! Even when we met he was even still seeing her! and not just friends it was love you’s miss you’s pictures exchanged etc, that caused a fight a huge fight. But stupid me I took him back he told me he would change his number and that would be it . Well! Just found out that he ended up giving her his number and was still talking to her behind my back! And blame me of crouse that it was my fault that he contacted her ugh guys are pricks it was really a nightmare with this guy the whole time I had been off and on . He talks to all is ex girlfriends all the time . I think that if your in a relationship and that guy is saying your in a relationship with him it’s a total deal breaker once you find out that he’s still involved physically or not with a women that he once also had a relationship with before you as far as im concerns that’s low thing to be doing and cheating in my books.

Reply February 6, 2015, 4:19 pm

Megan

I just went threw the same thing I met a guy a year ago it was off and on … Yes we had other ppl in our life’s when meeting. When things I guess started to seem they were going somewhere he was still talking to his ex all the time! Even when we met he was even still seeing her! and not just friends it was love you’s miss you’s pictures exchanged etc, that caused a fight a huge fight. But stupid me I took him back he told me he would change his number and that would be it . Well! Just found out that he ended up giving her his number and was still talking to her behind my back! And blame me of crouse that it was my fault that he contacted her ugh guys are pricks it was really a nightmare with this guy the whole time I had been off and on . He talks to all is ex girlfriends all the time . I think that if your in a relationship and that guy is saying your in a relationship with him it’s a total deal breaker once you find out that he’s still involved physically or not with a women that he once also had a relationship with before you as far as im concerns that’s low thing to be doing and cheating in my books.

Reply February 6, 2015, 4:23 pm

Ben

Hmm, not to be crass, but if he doesn’t have children with his ex, he needs to grow balls, cut ties, move on and make you the center of now. If he doesn’t, dump him. Nice guys ruin relationships. Good men (gentlemen) build foundations.

Reply December 3, 2014, 6:47 pm

Kim

If your a guy Ben that has been the best thing I have ever heard. Makes so much sense.

Reply May 24, 2015, 10:16 am

Joann

I have a bit of a similar type of situation. The person I am with has kids with his ex. They have been divorced for about 2 yrs and separated for about 4 all together. We’ve been together for 3 yrs. They have had times where they hate each other then times they get along. The other day he was on the phone with her, and at the end of there conversation I heard him say “love you too”. He knew I was sitting right there. I just kinda looked at him and shooked my head and told him not to say it again. I felt so disrespected. He says it’s not “that kind of love” that he has love for her but not in love with her. Ok, I understand that, he has children with this person. But I got upset. Is it ok to just say it? Or am I overreacting? I don’t know! He says I’m the only one now. He’s “in love” with me. But hearing him say that to her, I felt so disrespected. Am I wrong?

Reply December 3, 2014, 2:37 am

Joann

*their

Reply December 3, 2014, 2:40 am

Ben

Joann, yes, it’s disrespectful. You’re right to feel this way. Your boyfriend is torn being pleasing the mother of his children (he probably has little choice) and his love for you. Think of who initiated the “i love you” comment? If it was him, he wouldn’t have ended with “too.” My guess is that the ex-girlfriend knew you would hear his response, and it’s probably part of the reason she’s an ex. Men are mold-able, so you should talk to him in a way that builds him up. If he doesn’t change by New Years, then you don’t deserve to sit in the back seat.

Reply December 3, 2014, 7:13 pm

Nicole

This is an old article but I wanted to hedge my bets on receiving a response. This article focuses on legitimate relationships as in girlfriend/boyfriend, “in love”, or a great deal of care. What do I do if my boyfriend keeps in contact with a good friend of several years but they would sleep together and do very dirty things quite often (sending nude photos, messaging about sex, etc.)? He told me quite bluntly that he doesn’t care about her at all which makes me confused as to why they still talk. She doesn’t have a boyfriend now and refers to herself as a “sex kitten” to many others. She only reaches out to him when she feels lonely. He says he only talks to her about her job and doesn’t provide and personal, intimate details about his life to her. They are Facebook friends and that is the only reason she knows of our relationship as he never brings us up in conversation. He’s told me before he doesn’t want to just insert stories about us in their conversations because they don’t revolve around his personal life at all. We have been dating for two years now and before she jumped back into his life he would tell me he can’t wait to marry me and now it is he can’t wait to live with me or when I ask him about our future he says, “it’s strong” but doesn’t bring up marriage. I’ve talked with him a few times about his relationship with her and he, as described in the article, became very argumentative because he thinks I am accusing him of cheating or doing something wrong when he hasn’t. Their relationship is purely text messaging maybe every other week or once a month but when she sends him message he is extremely quick to reply (unlike his other friends who are girls who might not reply to for a few days or weeks). We spend a lot of time together and of she weren’t in the picture we would have a very healthy relationship and I wouldn’t question his intentions at all. How do you approach this situation if she isn’t an “ex” but just a former lover?

Reply November 26, 2014, 6:39 pm

Nicole

This is an old article but I wanted to hedge my bets on receiving a response. This article focuses on legitimate relationships as in girlfriend/boyfriend, “in love”, or a great deal of care. What do I do if my boyfriend keeps in contact with a good friend of several years but they would sleep together and do very dirty things quite often (sending nude photos, messaging about sex, etc.)? He told me quite bluntly that he doesn’t care about her at all which makes me confused as to why they still talk. She doesn’t have a boyfriend now and refers to herself as a “sex kitten” to many others. She only reaches out to him when she feels lonely. He says he only talks to her about her job and doesn’t provide and personal, intimate details about his life to her. They are Facebook friends and that is the only reason she knows of our relationship as he never brings us up in conversation. He’s told me before he doesn’t want to just insert stories about us in their conversations because they don’t revolve around his personal life at all. We have been dating for two years now and before she jumped back into his life he would tell me he can’t wait to marry me and now it is he can’t wait to live with me or when I ask him about our future he says, “it’s strong” but doesn’t bring up marriage. I’ve talked with him a few times about his relationship with her and he, as described in the article, became very argumentative because he thinks I am accusing him of cheating or doing something wrong when he hasn’t. Their relationship is purely text messaging maybe every other week or once a month but when she sends him message he is extremely quick to reply (unlike his other friends who are girls who might not reply to for a few days or weeks). We spend a lot of time together and of she weren’t in the picture we would have a very healthy relationship and I wouldn’t question his intentions at all. How do you approach this situation if she isn’t an “ex” but just a former lover?

Reply November 26, 2014, 6:38 pm

smiles

I’d love your opinion on this. My Ex and I broke up 2 years ago (he broke up with me) and have remained good friends for the past year. (It took about a year to get through the breakup). We have recently been hanging out a bit more than usual….(at least once or twice a month). Last week he took me to lunch for my birthday and to catch up. I asked what was happening in his life over the past month and all he mentioned was that he was working a lot. Yesterday we were suppose to have coffee and he called me in the morning saying he was seeing someone and that she wasn’t cool with him hanging out with me and that he wanted to respect her feelings because he would be jealous if she were hanging out with a guy she dated. I accepted, didn’t argue and asked if this meant we couldn’t be friends anymore (remaining friends was something he always wanted after we broke up). He said, “Not at all. Let me get back to you after the dust has settled.” He wants me and his gf to meet if she’s ok with it.

My question for you is, why didn’t he tell me about her when we were having lunch last week? If this is soo serious why wouldn’t he be happy to tell me he was in a good relationship? I’m confused because when we had lunch last week he gave me NO sign he was dating anyone and gave me longer than usual good bye hugs…lol…I know it sounds crazy but I noticed he didn’t want to leave so quickly. Now that I think about it, had plenty of opportunities to tell me he was dating someone.

Anyway, I would love to get back with him and have been playing it cool this past year as he dated other women. Is there anything different I can do? or is this a lost cause and i should move on?

Thanks for reading and Happy Thanksgiving:)

p.s. I wanted to add that he is one of my best friends. even though we see each other only a few times a month. When we were together we were best friends and lovers. The reason for the break up was he wanted passion and a best friend. That’s always been a hard pill for me to swallow but he always reassured me after the breakup that he was satisfied and I made him happy. sometimes I feel like i’m waisting my time because he really only see’s me as a friend.

Honestly, I’ll take any advice you give me. This is getting tiresome and I feel like i’m constantly hiding how I really feel about him and I haven’t been able to move on.

thank you:) you help a lot of people:)

Reply

Reply November 26, 2014, 5:53 pm

Gollymolly

First, I do believe you brought up an interesting point about getting insecurities handled on your own. However, culturally exes may or may not be tolerated. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, and we come from different cultural backgrounds. In my culture, exes aren’t allowed in the picture. He has an ex who is his friend, and I know she cares about him, yet she ended their short relationship. He feels obligated to support her. I won’t pretend that I’m not phased by this situation. I love him, and I respect him. I want him to have friends, lol. I just don’t want the time that he and I spend to be shortened because he feels obligated to see her.

I’m happy that he’s honest with me and tells me when he’s going to visit her and when he’ll be back. I just feel like she’s trying to remain in his heart, and I don’t like her claws. I’ve talked to him once about this months ago. He said he didn’t love her. I just don’t understand why he feels so obligated to be near her. I know that there’s a reason for it. We’ve never argued, but we may argue about this. I don’t understand his feelings for her. He treats his friends differently than he treats her. Is that still my problem?

Reply November 16, 2014, 1:46 pm

Hiya

Thanks for this article. Really helpful :)

Reply November 1, 2014, 6:03 pm

lisa

hiya ive been with my bf 5 years now he was married 30 years he left his 2 years ago for me but he phones and texts her everyday and calls round to see her and now he as been meeting up with her on Mondays for a drink but he tells me not to worry he does not look at her in that way he looks at her as family and that she 2 old he loves her but not in that way so why is he doing this when it is hurting me and im a secret he say he cant tell her coz of money and does not want to hurt her how will I know if his bk with her is he playing me thanks

Reply October 27, 2014, 3:33 pm

yen

Yes, this is similar to my situation. especially, he was close enough to her to loan her money. he said that they are close enough to share everything and crying on her shoulder and she also do the same with him. they are just connect on email yahoo phone and facebook and something else i’m not sure…but they are not meet in person anymore. I am in Long distance relationship with a guy who is lives in USA and me in ASIA and that women is in Peru. and that’s hurt me too much ……i love him so much but i really don’t know what to do…..i just can stay and happy with him if he cut all connect with her………i hope he can understand my feeling….sometime i wonder who i am in his life ? if he still care and wanna in touch with her so why he in relationship with me and hurt my feeling like this……….i really love him and don’t wanna our relationship in the dark like this…….just praying God understand and give me the right way to work out this problem :( :(

Reply October 24, 2014, 8:07 am

mp

This article is a piece of crap. You dealt with your feelings of insecurity by breaking up with the girl. Ultimately, she didn’t give two sh*ts about what you were feeling and that is why you broke up.

If you changed the bad behavior from “being in touch with their ex” to they were “drinking too much” or they were “lying all the time” or “they never gave me hugs and kisses” that wouldn’t be the girlfriend’s problem – the root of the problem is that the person staying in contact with their ex (guy or girl) would be continuing to be inconsiderate and not giving the new relationship a chance to work, as well as telling the person who is bothered by the behavior, “I don’t respect your opinion enough to change.”

It’s different when it’s coming from your friends or family that they don’t like somebody – you’re not going to marry them, live with them, or have kids with them, or share your bank account with them. But if you want the bf or gf to have a chance to work out, you should listen to what they say rather than saying it’s straight up their problem.

It’s sh*tty article like this why marriages fall apart. Thanks for contributing nothing to the internet.

Reply September 13, 2014, 11:12 am

Eric Charles

Being in touch with your ex is not interchangeable with “drinking too much”, “lying all the time” or “they never gave me hugs and kisses”. That’s just not a valid point.

As for the rest of your comment… that’s fine if that’s your opinion. I hope you find another article on the internet that meets your standards. Good luck!

Reply September 13, 2014, 1:37 pm

Jess

Thank you!

Reply October 2, 2014, 9:21 pm

Rebecca

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this article (and all of your articles), and speaking from experience, Eric is absolutely right. Reacting from a place of insecurity and mistrust only pushes the other person farther away. MP, put the shoe on the other foot: isn’t controlling who your boyfriend interacts with the pinnacle of inconsiderate and disrespectful? The implication is that you don’t trust him and you don’t trust his judgment, neither of which are going to inspire warm fuzzy feelings that will give you what you want. It will, however, make him doubt you and question why he’s with you. People want to be with people who make them feel good.

I’m not saying that the original poster doesn’t have a valid concern, but worrying and acting from a place of insecurity is going to achieve the opposite of what she wants. It’s human nature to rebel when you’re pushed against a wall — demanding or pushing him to stop talking to his ex is controlling and borderline co-dependent behavior. There’s a reason that he’s with you and not her, but if you don’t feel that you can trust him, why are you with him?

Alternatively, confidence is sexy. If he sees that you don’t give a damn about his ex because you know that you’re boss ass babe, THAT will inspire him to give you his attention rather than giving it to his ex. Make him feel like he’s winning. I know from my own experience that the more you worry about things that you have no control over, the more you begin to act in ways that actually push him away. It’s the definition of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Be the kind of person YOU would want to be with. Make him feel better when he’s with you than he does with anyone else, and he’ll naturally respond the way you want without you even having to say a word.

Reply October 13, 2014, 7:36 pm

blab

This is right on! The test of you are dreaming. … when sunshine stays in touch with their ex it does not give the new relationship a chance to work. It is s constant distraction and a huge red flag of disregard for your heart.

Reply March 21, 2015, 10:28 pm

brittny

I agree with you on this being an article that contributes to people doing the wrong thing just because they feel its not their issue. Thanks for speaking OUR TRuth so others Know they aren’t in the wrong for feeling the way they do

Reply May 21, 2015, 4:36 pm

Hanna Sijabat

Hii there, I have similar problem in my relationship. I am in Long distance relationship with a guy who is lives in USA and me in ASIA. He never wants his friends or familiy members knowing about our relationship, even he hides me from his ex-gf. Yesterday, he told me that he will go to another country in USA to help her ex moving things. She will drive and she needs someone to accompany her since she will drive at night and he said that the road where they will pass by is dangerous (Florida Highway). This hurts me coz he will be together with her for days and he did not tell me before getting the ticket. I feel like he disrespects me as his gf. Now, I decide to break-up. Am I wrong?
I need ur opinions guys, thanks so much

Reply September 10, 2014, 11:41 pm

faith

yes please help here..what if u guys lived in a different country..and ur husband dealing with ex.the past that hurt him before .but for some reason keep on visiting her and talking to her while saying he loves you so much and shes just a friend ..and hes not gonna cheat on you. im going crazy trying to give all my trust but knowing guys with previous relationship keeps talking.thye might feels intimacy like before.hes not cheating on me now..but what this action they’re doing lead them into something much more intimate..do i need to wait what will happen next?trust and see what will happen?while im dying inside everyday having fear in my heart. :( :( :(

Reply September 29, 2014, 9:56 pm

Torben

Thanks for that article. It’s true, it is really tough to stop being jealous, but if the relationship is worth it, so is the pain and the problems that come with it.

Reply July 18, 2014, 9:03 am

Torben

Learn how to write properly! vowels are important!

Reply July 18, 2014, 8:55 am

Lily

Never EVER date a guy or a girl who is in touch with his/her ex. Their is no such thing as friendship after breakup.Sometimes men date other women to make ex jealous and win her back or vise versa.I knew lot of female friends who had boyfriends yet got jealous when their ex dated another girl..lot of these women tend to keep options.

Reply June 11, 2014, 10:24 pm

Rachel

Would anyone feel differently if the ex was a friend with benefits.. Let’s say even a neighbor.. Let’s say said neighbor is a sex worker.. Like sells their self for money.. Do you endorse the boyfriend to keep in touch with this ex too? Where do we draw the lines here?

Reply June 11, 2014, 1:52 am

Torben

That is a very good question. In the end that is up to decide to every couple. Communication is the key here. There is not ONE right way to have a relationship. It doesn’t need to be monogamous if everybody involved is fine with it. Wouldn’t be my thing, but hey, whatever floats your boat.
It depends on your own values. I don’t want to control who my partner is friends with, but I’d like to enjoy certain pleasures with my partner only.

Reply July 18, 2014, 9:00 am

Me

Hi everyone! I also really dislike when my partner communicates with an ex. It is disrespectful of the new relationship. I usually turn away quickly from anyone with sic baggage. Now I’m not saying this applies to single parents where there is good reason to keep in contact and be friend but for anyone else, there just is not. Perhaps in high school or college but by the time you reach age 30 & you are more marriage minded commitment means more, as does sexual relationships. Of course there is always an exception to the rule but in general notch good will come from a relationship with an ex when you are wholeheartedly trying to make a new relationship succeed. A new partner should not be forced to deal with your baggage … Take it out to the curb where it belongs. Past is the past & your ex is a part of the past for a reason, because that is where they belong. The future is yours & your new partners & they deserve a path upon which to walk hand in hand with you free of encumbrances.

Reply June 11, 2014, 1:48 am

Black

Soooooo true ! If you are 100% all in , why am I wasting my time and energy on you.

Reply August 11, 2014, 10:32 pm

Samantha

Hi Eric,

I unwittingly came in-between two people who were almost about to get back together. They have 5 years of history, on-off. I left him when I he told me about his ex on the horizon. I knew he immediately regretted it and over the course of 2 and a half months won me over again because he showed me he really liked me. The guy said he broke up with her, but they remain good friends. Whenever people bring her up, he will avoid talking about her. Anyway, we have a lot of sexual chemistry and it’s only recently we began to slowly have emotional chemistry… we are still lacking connection. Almost one month ago he told me he wouldn’t be able to see me for several days because of work commitments, although he kept updating me with his life via text but we have inevitably drifted further. Yesterday night, he went out with his ex, who obviously likes him a lot. If it wasn’t so long since I last saw him, I wouldn’t worry so much. Can a guy actually take such a long break from seeing a girl he says makes him go crazy? What do you think of my situation?

Reply January 3, 2014, 9:09 am

Gigi

Who ever your are, Thank you so much for this post. I was going crazy.

Reply July 4, 2013, 5:32 pm

chioma jumbo

Something tells me that he is in love with her, shes got 2 kids. Now because the husband isnt around she makes my boyfriend run errands for her, sometimes she would complain of not having the strenght to cook, then my bf would order me to take food to her, i got mad and we fought over it bt he never apologized, what do i do?

Reply May 27, 2013, 9:47 am

chioma jumbo

to cut the long story short, my boyfriend does everything in his power to please a particular woman who happens to be his neighbour, she’s married but her husband lives in a different country. am very upset over the situation. He displeases me to please her.

Reply May 27, 2013, 9:36 am

Ali

It seems the boyfriend is training his ex that her behaviors are acceptable to him. If he wants to be a friend with his ex, he’s better be a good friend of her! Not allowing her to behave like that. Also he should know that if it makes his girlfriend feel upset, it just poisons the relationship.

His friend should be his girlfriend’s friend too, thought not close at the same level. If it’s impossible, there’s something wrong to be fixed.

Reply October 30, 2012, 5:58 am

Arial

If your boyfriend is still talking to his recent ex on a regular basis, especially if he was close enough to her to loan her money, then your gut instincts could very well be correct. Our gut instincts are there to protect us. How many times have you thought about something and didn’t listen to your guy instinct and wish later that you had? Let’s say you never say a word about the ex and your boyfriend ends up spending more and more time talking to her? Then you become the girl who put up with it. I’ve been there myself , never said a word about the ex, trusted him fully, and he ended up lying about small things which turned into bigger lies. He will do what he wants to do regardless, if I were you, i would leave that relationship before too much more time is invested. You need someone with a cleaner slate

Reply August 31, 2012, 2:46 am

Marguerite

I was seeking self healing on the internet about how to deal with my new love and his insecure and manipulative ex-girlfriend who still contacts him and I happened to stumble upon this article. There is so much wisdom and truth here and validated what I was already feeling and thinking. After reading several other articles online (and most of the responses by jealous and controlling women) this opened my eyes and gave me validation to what I already knew. You are so right, my relationship is a good one at that and the last thing I want to do is become the girl he was with last. “People are going to do whatever they want to do.” and that is something I have no control over, instead of worrying about what doesn’t exist I’m turning that energy into acceptance of the situation. My boyfriend is with me and loves me, not her. I will definitely be passing this on to those in need, I just wanted to say thank you so much for writing this. :~)

Reply August 29, 2012, 5:01 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks, I appreciate that.

Reply August 29, 2012, 6:48 pm

Jacquie

I agree with Marguerite. I am in the same boat, had the same feelings, and greatly appreciate some wisdom that I knew was there.. It just sometimes takes another outside source to help you see things a little more clearly. Someone who isn’t directly involved. Thank you.

Reply May 14, 2013, 9:51 am

Amanda

Now what if said ex was an ex-fiance that still texts all the time and calls him pet names like babe. Also texts get deleted regularly… red flag then?

Reply July 14, 2014, 4:25 pm

Kate

I second Marguerite as well, over two years on. I was seeking self-healing today too with a similar situation, and your article/opinion really helped me. I find it so helpful to get a man’s perspective on relationships sometimes, so thank you very much for sharing yours on this particular issue and in general. Things are good, I have no control over anyone’s behaviour but my own, and I want to be happy – I choose to be happy, Thank you again for writing.

Reply December 12, 2014, 5:13 pm

Jessica

I agree with this too. I think my stumbling upon this article was fate, because it’s a lesson I really needed to hear at this exact moment, as I’m going through something similar. I had already deduced that my only problem with their friendship was my own insecurities, but this confirms it. Thanks

Reply June 3, 2013, 3:08 pm

Anon

I’ve read a lot of this article and I believe in what you say and it’s very good advice. But, I really am struggling and hurting over a recent text that I saw for my boyfriend to his ex of 8years. He said that he feels closer to her than anyone. We’ve been seeing each other for 1.5years and, since his text to her, has talked about children with me. They went through a lot together, his parent died, and her family problems, but it’s so painful to hear him say that to her. He never talks about her unless I ask but I know they talk and text regularly, though don’t see each other more than twice a year. He also said recently that he wants to see her more, start fresh. I don’t understand why they why he is still friends and neee some advice, please.
Thanks

Reply July 29, 2012, 6:52 pm

Elizabeth

Thank you for this, I needed it today! I am in this situation and it’s been so hard since I was married and divorced from a guy for cheating on me!
It just makes you so jaded and hard to look at anyone the same way after that.
As of today I am going to try my hardest to let it go and then in the end of something happens its his loss.

Reply July 20, 2012, 8:04 pm

KeepItReal

In a nutshell, if your boyfriend or vice verse gets caught cheating online and swears he won’t do it again or denies it and you suspect it, I say install a key logger on his computer as another method that will enable you to know for sure he is being 100% honest and consistent with you.. Life is way too Short to play games and live it blindsided choosing to know what you want to know instead of reality. It worked for me since there’s always that chance and you can stop the continual betrayal at its tracks which saves you a lot of wasted time and grieving down the road! If you know his password to his emails or if he leaves it open, lets you see his phone history calls or text just to prove to you he cut off communication wonderful, keeper for a lifetime!.. But what if you or he is on away for a trip and or he’s home alone? He or She can always delete the history and get his emails forward to alias’s.. He or She betrayed you once, who’s to say he won’t laps and slip again when he gets tempted? There’s nothing to hide in committed, serious, relationship and being open and honest about everything should be a give in especially if you’re planning to take your relationship to the next level of commitment, marriage one day.. I’m glad I did it because it saved me a lot of wasted time, head aches, and heart aches which enabled me to cut my losses before it got deeper. I was able to find someone who was open, honest, and trustworthy! We are definitely on the same page. The earlier you cut your loses the better chance you find the one who will respect and honor your love, trust, devotion and commitment and means what he says not what you want to hear and repeat offend you! My Ex was continually lying and the computer history was proof thanks to the key logger, which if you google it, you’ll find one you’ll like that fits your needs! While my Ex was saying he was studying or playing his video games on his personal time, he was actually playing with cyber sexing, online hook-up sites, and communicating ex gf’s, and so forth planning to take it to the next step by planning to hook up and that definitely crossed the line. When i confronted him with it and his profiles across the board online, he made excuses saying that they were there before me and forgot about them, or the girls he’s talking to are just gaming friends or old friends etc… Gotta love technology! How wonderful that you can find cheater high speed with just a click so cheating online is just as easy as finding cheaters cheatin! At the end of the day, you make the final choice but at least you can decide using other options and what to do with it.. So you know your in a solid, secure, & stable relationship feeling complete trust without any doubts, or question if whether he is truly 100%.. Trust is important in a relationship, but blind trust is foolish! Of course, we can’t change a person just ourselves and if he doesn’t want to change his ways then change you’re boyfriend! Change has to come within not forced..I’m sure a cheater is redeemable with some counseling intervention if you feel a cheater is worth forgiving, only you know your cheater more than anyone else..Life has no guarantees! Proceed with caution. Good Luck with your choices and decision you make just right for you!

Reply June 22, 2012, 1:30 pm

Peneolpe

Can somebody just settle my mind
I live with a male friend who I beleieved wanted to be with me but has just upped rooted his whole life to move away frm his as he keeps telling me girl friend of 10 years.
We keep arguing over the amount of time they both still spend together
I have told him I’m not comfortable with her at our shared house but she still keeps turning up
Am I going mad
Plz help
My family and friends keep telling me he’s never broke up with her

Reply May 21, 2012, 6:29 pm

Kathy

Im in a similar position right now. Been going out with this guy for a couple of months right now. He broke up with his gf 4mos. or so before we started going out. But, recently I learned that he is still texting with his ex, I think one time he helped her out proof read her research. His ex in an email also I love you. just don’t know if he responded. (I saw it in an email, trust me i wasn’t trying to snoop on his inbox haha) Now I’m getting worried and all, don’t know if I should trust him completely. I want this relationship to progress. What should I do? Or How do should I react? help guys!

Reply April 19, 2012, 11:24 pm

Pip

Yes, well, it sounds very ideal but when the man I’m seeing lets me leave the bedroom when the supposed ex phones on a sunday morning and can’t say to her ‘can I call you back later’ or ‘I’ve got someone here’ or ‘hey, I need to tell you that I’m seeing someone new’ then I have to walk and get my self respect back. Apparently I’m not allowed to ask about the ex, even though I only asked once, but good advice for some I’m sure.

Reply April 16, 2012, 12:16 am

confused

yeah, try to forget about it right? Then how about when the love of his life that he was going to marry, walks out in the middle of the night, leaving his young son unattended, never answers his plea’s to find out what happened, marries a guy she was seeing the same time she was seeing him two months later. Then over the last 6 years sends random emails saying “happy holidays” and “I was watching our shows thinking of you” and he replies how he wishes she never left.

Then after being two years with me, she emails she is coming into town on business (lives out of state this was a LDR for them) and he doesn’t tell you, meets her for “closure”. I bust him red-handed. He doesn’t deny it. Says they didn’t have sex, but made out. She tells him she made a mistake, wants him back, will leave her husband for him. He say’s to me, I wouldn’t take her back, I love you, but I just want to have playdate’s with her. And now they contact each other constantly via phone and email. He believes in being in-love with one person but playing with others.

He also has a girl in another state that was just a FWB for two years before I was in the picture. They sext, and play on Xbox live. But, she is just a game to him.

But I don’t want it to be her, the ex. How do you ignore all that. How do you say yes, I believe you just love me, but want to be with your ex on that level.

The killer thing, I am bi, and am open to a swinging life style together, he is ok with that as well, but still wants his ex and this girl. What is it with guys that want their past girls still in their lives and say how much they love the girl they are with. How I am his girl, the one he wants to be with every day, to spend his money on. He wants us to live together. That he is control of this, and they have no power over him. Come on guys please answer this for me. I know I am crazy aren’t I.

Reply March 8, 2012, 1:50 pm

Heartbroke

I just found a message that my boyfriend of 4 years sent to his ex-wife. All it said is “miss u”. I found a similar message last year saying ” you’re who I need”. I forgave him last year. I love him but I consider this cheating. I noticed that she had no response to this. He says he loves me and doesn’t know why he does that. I don’t know what to do. I feel truly betrayed. He said he misses the “family” he had. They have a 10 year old daughter. He’s been divorced for 6 years. I demanded that he cut all ties with her with the exception of daughter info. I feel like I shouldn’t have to do that. And then I think I’ve wasted 4 years of my life…do I waste another day?

Reply February 2, 2012, 3:21 pm

Wa

If she decides wants him back, he’ll most likely leave you or start cheating. Sorry.
Don’t waste any more years on the wrong man.

I hope you have the strength to do it.

Good luck

Reply June 11, 2012, 3:48 pm

Fatima Hussain

Hey here is this guy who just asked me out on 14th saying it as a friends date even said to think about a place where we two of us can go. Then just the next day when i asked him “whoz gonna b ur valentine ” he said “no1” i was shocked but den i replied “awww…no problems”…n then he asked me “what about you??” and in a flirtatious tone i replied “you, who else :p” then he said “i m not going to meet anyone on valentines day” i said ” so friends date cancel??” n he replied “yeah may be with a wink face” then i replied “tell me exactly so that i can make other palns”…n he replied “okay go for it..!! ”
Eric please help me…i m really confused about this guy…what does he really wants…n m sure that he likes me..!!

Reply January 28, 2012, 11:58 am

pixir

Just finished reading I Hate His Ex by Alex Cooper. Brilliant read for anyone having relationship troubles to do with past relationships :) xxxx

Reply January 6, 2012, 5:37 am

jo

Thank You you really opened my eye’s. I loved what you said. I think you just help saved my relationship. Thank You very much!

Reply January 4, 2012, 6:09 pm

pixir

Try reading ‘I Hate His Ex’ by Alex Moore. I’ve just read it and it has really help me sort out loads of problems within my relationship. It is definitely worth a try!

Reply January 4, 2012, 10:54 am

Katie

Its nice to see other women going through the same headache with ex girlfriends/friends.
My ex’s friend/ex sent me mad and i have been questioning ever since whether I was wrong to have a problem with her and how needy she was of him and how close they were…
I kept questioning whether I was wrong and was too paranoid and maybe if I should have just ignored her. But there is only so much ignoring you can do. us girls know when a girl is playing a manipulative game to keep a man close to her… and I waited 8 months for her to get the picture that he was with me and wouldn’t be as close to her now and she had to deal with it. She never did get the picture. And he never told her. There is only so much waiting for him to set the boundaries you can do. Girls can manipulate guys and their relationships to intrude enough to cause problems but not do enough for the guy to actually react and set the boundaries. Its shit for us girlfriends. the bottom line is, the guy has to grow up and realise what is most important. It might be disrespectful to the guy by highlighting something in their life is inapproprite to us, him and your relationship, but surely if he loves you enough and is sure enough in who he is and what he wants he will recognise that boundaries need to be set and he has to be the one to do it… these things don’t just go away on their own.
I hope one day I do meet a guy who is grown up enough and sure enough in himself to do that if ever I end up in that situation again.
I feel better seeing all this because I now know I wasn’t mad for having a problem with his friend/ex from 5 yrs ago going round his parents house uninvited, asking him to drive her places, calling him in the eve after work to see what he was up to (if she took him and I seriously surely she would leave us to it), making catty and taking- the- piss comments on facebook about not seeing him, being upset with him for not seeing her, and always acting like things were the same as they were before me.
I hope we all meet someone who is grown up enough to set the boundaries :)

Reply December 21, 2011, 10:56 am

airakate

I’m a little bet relief in reading this!!!!
coz i also have problems in my relationship

Reply October 30, 2011, 12:19 pm

Sara

“I stopped interpreting someone else’s actions as a reflection of me.”
Just what I needed to hear today! Fantastic article.

Reply October 17, 2011, 5:40 pm

Eric Charles

Cool – glad to hear it. :)
.
And thanks.

Reply October 17, 2011, 6:50 pm

Flower White

Jayus Bubbles you have no idea how much of a victim/codependant you sound like.”he said to accept him he way he is.” He has put you into a catagory of side piece!

Young ladies with healthy self esteem would leave. He must be quite rich for you to subjugate common sense. You are making excuses for him.

You won’t be getting the truth from him. But you don’t care.

“Fun and memorable times” that means he’s not taking you seriously they call that a jump-off, side piece, booty call.

You don’t want to see the truth in front of your face yet you are going to take him at his word? I am betting he will bang you and sweet talk you and all will be well but underneath, the unease for the rest of your relationship.

Really dear Bubbles I will truly leave you now. You aren’t listening to the advice because you have a fantasy in your head. Goodbye and best of luck.

Reply September 15, 2011, 2:36 am

Bubbles

How would I go about asking him then? He was staying in Denmark, and went twice to Norway for several days. He said that his “friends” were taking him around Norway…but didn’t expand on who. So that’s why I got suspicious all of a sudden. All the while his communication to me via email and text was a lot of “miss you, love you”.
He was over there to donate sperm for the “friends” as they couldn’t have kids, but I reckon it was only the female (and I suspect she doesn’t have a partner). He showed me the clinic tests, the emails, but those days when he went to Norway I can’t help but think they must have been close at one stage. And I just don’t want to be taken for a fool, that is why I want to ask him calmly, and with a level head. As the times we do share are fun and memorable times.
I also sent you this as an email earlier today, so bit of a double up there.
Cheers!

Reply September 15, 2011, 12:12 am

Eric Charles

He said he went over there to “donate sperm”.
.
That’s quite a euphemism for it..
.
I think what this really comes down to what you really want.
.
I think some of the commenters are being a little harsh towards you in places, but I also think that they’re fundamentally right: It does sound like the guy has you locked and he’s probably “donating sperm” to women the old-fashioned way.
.
If you were immediately suspicious, it sounds like your instincts picked up on it. Trust your instincts.
.
As for how you’re talking to him about it, step one is to get clear on what you really want in a relationship and what you won’t put up with. Guys know if you’re bluffing, and if you aren’t going to leave even if he is hooking up with other women… well… he’s going to keep on doing what he’s doing.
.
If you can’t be in a relationship with a man who sleeps with other women, then you need to be OK with calmly talking about it, saying your piece (without collapsing into emotions) and then be OK if he can’t agree to your terms (as in, you break up).
.
If you can’t be OK with losing him, then he’ll continue to do as he pleases because he knows you’ll put up with it. If you really draw the line and will walk away, he’ll either: commit to you exclusively or you’ll break up.
.
Talking about it isn’t the hard part. It’s calming yourself down enough to look at what you really want and whether or not you’re truly willing to let go if the relationship isn’t acceptable to you.
.
Hope that helps.

Reply September 15, 2011, 5:35 pm

Flower White

Unless you’re broke & homeless there is no need to stay with such a man.
Dear, he’s 42! He’s been with women longer than you have lived.

You were with him for a year?? Now is the time to be serious monogamous and committed. I think he’s using you for a booty call and arm candy!

“It doesn’t matter what a man says. It matters what a man DOES.”

He went on a month long trip with another woman -then told you afterwards?

That proves deception & deceit.

If believe him and stay you only have yourself to hold accountable for the anguish and heartache sure to follow.

Much older men love young girls such as you because they can lie and manipulate them. Your story is textbook.

Please dump him. But you won’t – young girls think they an change a man. Thin they are the exception and not the rule. Honey you are going to learn the hard way. Just bookmark this page for reference and check it in six months.

Reply September 14, 2011, 10:18 pm

Bubbles

I do not have a desire to change him, he said accept him for who he is.
As for the trip, I knew he was going overseas for a month, but didn’t know that he met up several times with this friend to travel to Norway. Only found out by snooping on Facebook.

Reply September 14, 2011, 10:59 pm

Eric Charles

Hehe… yeah… that’s one reason why I have my Facebook on lockdown. Keep the snoopers from snooping (not that I’m up to anything shady, but still…)
.
You know Bubbles, I hate to tell you that the girls leaving you comments are right but… it does seem likely. I’m not about to straight-up condemn the dude, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he had some stuff going on with the other women from time to time.
.
Don’t know… worth figuring out with him though.

Reply September 14, 2011, 11:55 pm

Flower White

He is playing you he traveled with a female for a month and did not tell you? I’m around his age and I know this: You are too young to get mixed up in such drama.

You are just his arm candy and play toy. Move on!

Reply September 14, 2011, 6:04 pm

Bubbles

Thank you for this reply. I did in fact ask him, and he said yes, he did travel with her, but he didn’t hold hands, kiss or have sex with her.

So the question is if I believe him.

Reply September 14, 2011, 6:12 pm

Bubbles

Yes, this is similar to my situation. I have been seeing this person for a year, he has many female friends and some of them are his exs. He says that he finds making friends with female s easier than making friends with men, as he doesn’t share the same likes as majority of them i.e. doesn’t drink, doesn’t watch sport. I know he contacts his female friends on a regular basis, and he says that some are very close friends. But I feel I am left out in the dark wondering what he talks about to them.
He went to Denmark/Norway for a month to help some friends on a project, and also went travelling a bit, but he didn’t mention to me that he travelled with a female friend who I’ve sent pictures of (on this holiday through her Facebook profile) and he’s talked about her before. So I wonder why he didn’t mention this to me, and if I did mention this to him, what sort of response would I get?
He says he respects me, but my insecurities and questioning could led him to do something that he’d regret by destroying the relationship. He’s 42 and 23, definitely an age gap and lack of experience, but he’s been patient and understanding with me. But it is hard to let such fear go, and unable to control his emotions and make him feel for me like I feel for him.
Thank you

Reply September 12, 2011, 6:38 pm

FLower White

Balance is good truth is better :)

Reply August 13, 2011, 10:01 am

FLower White

Some men have unresolved mommy issues.

Some men want a female harem.

Personally I have never had a successful loving long term loving relationship with a man who plays therapist for his ex (and yes I’ve been married and in two long monogamous relationships).

Face it men, some of you love the ego-stroke and you love rescuing damsels in distress and dare I say it… some men love having a ‘female harem’ flocks of ex’s circling which truly prevents him from committing to that one special lady.

What do you say, men?

Reply August 11, 2011, 10:10 pm

Eric Charles

Sure, I agree with that.
.
Each gender has a sub-section that’s caught up in some image based thing. Some men want a harem (for any variety of women). Some women want to dig for gold in a man’s pocket (for any variety of reasons).
.
At the end of the day, that’s not most men or women though. Most men and women actually want to find a great partner and have a great relationship.
.
I don’t disagree with your point, it is true. But I like to keep the views balanced here that there’s no angel-gender and devil-gender… and most of the issues are just issues that people have, whether they’re a guy or girl. They just show up in different ways depending on whether it’s a guy or girl – but the central drive for the behavior is the same.

Reply August 12, 2011, 3:11 am

kelly

I just want to say that if an ex is really over that person they will move on especially if it was a bad relationship and trust has to be the number one issue .I live with my bf and actually his ex of 8 yrs is living at his parents home too .he seems to say he is over her but,yet he goes upstairs alot and will not say anything bad to her ..hopelessly dumb

Reply April 29, 2011, 4:16 am

Ashleigh

I found this website randomly but wanted to share some thoughts after reading. Obviously, I have been having a situation that is very similar to this womans worries about her currents relationship. I am 22 years old and have spent the last seven months with a man whom I now consider to be my partner. He is 30, so a bit older. Most outlookers would say we are joined at the hip. He is a welcoming, peace-making sort of person, not one who can easily speak rudely or bluntly to people. people feel very comfortable bringing their problems to him, seemingly on a regular basis. One of these people is his ex girlfriend. They were togethere for a year but have been friends for 12 years, with a regular phone relationship, where “she complains about her boyfriends” to him. I have gotten the impression she is exceptionally needy and emotionally unstable in the sense that she takes her problems and hangs them out on the lawn laundry line for every one to see and observe. Since it has entered my mind that I am very much committed to this man, the facts started showering down on my head: she calls him every few days, texts him evbery few days, and they update regularly… many of their conversations consist of her sharing her insecurities and emotions with her own current boyfriend. This did not bother me at first until i started realizing how regularly she is communicating with my boyfriend on such an intimate and regular basis….I feel she should be taking these issues to her own boyfriend. I also am very troubled every time I see him on the phone and computer, and i resent myself for feeling suspicious at all, but I always wonder if it is she that he is speaking to. I do not commit easily, and in this case, we just feel into it naturally, and to be honest, my first real” partnership. I do not feel comfortable with this as much as I would like to ignore it entirely, like I used to. I do not believe she cares one hoot about the fact that he is special to me and i find it very rude and inconsiderate for her to be regularly contacting my boyfriend as if it is still her relationship to be intimate with. Is it over analyzing to believe such things? I also have small spouts of resentment for my boyfriend for being so receptive to this constant contact, as thought it is also something he is still emotionally attached to… always giving her the shoulder to cry on, regardless of the time or frequency of her calls and the sverity of her insecurity. Not to mention she lives 2000 miles away. Should it be the case that I should ignore and assume there is no emotinal attachment but just a “friendship” I do not have any intention on controlling ties on a friendship of 12 years but I do know that it makes me feel very uncomfortable, the continuous and diligent communication that goes on between them. It’s almost like they are still in a relationship without the sex…maybe thats going too far…. because he reassures me very sincerely about how proud he is to be with me every day and how much he respects me, etc. But I just can’t help having these thpoughts…. any insight i would appreciate very much. Thank you, Ashleigh

Reply December 28, 2010, 2:30 pm

Robin

I just wanted to thank all of you for your honesty about this. You definately make sense about just avoiding the ex-girlfriend relationship subject. I am having a hard time about the relationship I am in because it started so suddenly and he hasn’t talked about his ex. She moved away a few months before I met him, now she is back and he mentions her as just a friend. I didn’t even know they were an item until someone that knows both of them told me. It does eat at me from time to time but we do have a great relationship since June 09. It was instant attraction between us and he is a true gentleman. We both were previously married for 20 years and we have been divorced for 8 years. Love the insight! Thanks again.

Reply March 10, 2010, 10:38 am

Chris

While I think what you guys said in comments is great, I think what you are saying applies when two people break up, healing happens, and later they chose to be friends because they valued each other as a person. In this case, I think what was missed is the part where the ex is acting inapropriately. If they were truly platonic friends, she would not be texting him that he is neglecting friends (but really her). She would let him go about his life and be happy to see him when the situation arose. Sending manipulative messages possibly intended to guilt someone is not being a friend. In fact, she may full well know the two of them may be together when she texts or just figures “hey, its a saturday night, they must be…”

I don’t get the impression the boyfriend is going to dump the poster for the ex, but I do get the feeling that the ex could potentially intrude emotionally on the relationship if the guy doesn’t set up clear boundaries with her, or the boyfriend tires of the friction and go off on his own as its just easier.

Yes, it is up to us females not to wig out when a boyfriend has had other relationships before and runs into his ex or keeps in touch, but it is also up to the guy to set clear boundaries with his exes as well.

Reply July 15, 2009, 10:45 am

Eric Charles

Hey Chris,

I agree with you that the ex-girlfriend’s “guilting” text messages are inappropriate and less-than-friendly. I would also agree that it is totally the guy’s responsibility to set boundaries as to what is acceptable within their friendship.

But even with that being the case, the bigger picture is that this guy used to date this woman and when they were together, he probably cared for her very much. She probably cared for him very much too.

In a perfect world, everything would be clean-cut and logical and we would have complete control of our emotions at all times. But that’s not reality… relationships and emotions are not so absolute as logic and “right-and-wrong”.

I have always found it a weird idea that someone could be a person that you absolutely adore and then, after a breakup, have absolutely no relation to them whatsoever. I think that if you appreciate someone enough to be with them in the first place, you would still appreciate them afterwards for those same qualities even if you’re not together.

But to transition into a full-fledged friendship takes time and the adjustment sometimes involves saying some pretty difficult things (and yes, like you’d said, setting boundaries).

All I was saying in my response is that the guy is probably very well aware of all of this and he’s handling it the best he can… And if the current girlfriend gets involved, it will probably make for an ugly scene. My opinion is that the best solution, is to have faith in the guy and his ability to work it out and take appropriate action.

Not easy and definitely doesn’t mean the ex-girlfriend is doing the right thing, but I believe staying out of it is the best way. You don’t have to accept it or like it, but at least give the guy a chance to address it and set things right before getting involved.

Reply July 16, 2009, 3:04 pm

Eric Charles

Tommy,

Awesome, awesome comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this out for the ANewMode.com audience.

And what Tommy’s writing about here is something that the majority of guys have experienced. We react in different ways, sometimes we’re the givers, sometimes we’re the receivers, but what I’m getting at is these relationship dynamics/issues are universal! Men and women think about these things and experience these things and comments like this help show us this.

Again, I’m really happy you wrote this because it’s another male voice showing that men are not cold, heartless monsters when we decide to do things a certain way. Most of the time, we are making the best decisions we can based on our experiences, but don’t have the personal insight or the words to communicate it.

Fortunately, we DO have this blog and within this context we have the time and space to really articulate where we’re coming from.

Thanks for this.

Reply June 9, 2009, 11:57 pm

Tommy

I want to say that I love ANewMode and the various topics your web-site offers.

This article has caught my eye because in most relationships we have experienced this issue at least once in its term. I will start off by saying that I have been in this situation conincidentally and I can relate. I have had about 3 serious ‘intimate’ relationships in my life. When I say ‘intimate’ I mean exclusivity between two people and no one else. You are a couple.

I have remained friends with two of them. The first one is a subject that is sore to me and I had a few regrets with how it was left. It taught me a valuable lesson and that is to always try to remain civil with those you once cherished. They were once your world and you have shared some of your most fond memories with this person. They somehow shaped you to what you are today. I look at all people in this view and most find me to be a big ‘softie,’ which I have no problem admitting to. So when I am sharing myself with them in both the emotional and physical sense it is very hard to just drop them out of my life for good. It makes me go against my beliefs and integrity. I just got done telling this person for 2+ years that they were my love and I would die for them to just abandoning them? I just always found that strange. However, if they have crossed me in such a malicious manner that the value of trust was in question then I would have to remain away from them for a time being until I felt I could accept their character. This goes for any relationship I encounter as well. I have no time for mistrust.

So within this relationship I learned how people can become ‘obsessed’ with the thought that the other is always up to no good. I could be just cleaning my room or walking the dog and I would have 15 calls when I returned. I would call back and get the usual drill and attitude .. where were you/who were you with/etc. At first I believed that it was a sign of caring but I slowly began to realize it was just a big sign of insecurity. However, I loved so I was blind. Many breakups occurred in this relationship. The constant arguing and making up occured and eventually it began to take its toll on both our mental and physical health. A lot of hurtful things were said that I unfortunately can not apologize for now. I left this relationship on a bad note and it took years before I would even consider getting into another one.

I would like to say that this relationship was started immediately as well. No foundation was built. Insta-relationship

Now when I enter a relationship I make it a point that we know each other very well. It creates harmony and peace if you know each other very well. You can see how their daily lives are structured and who their character is. If they are trust-worthy to others than what makes you think they are not going to be trust-worthy with you. Especially you. This creates a bond that diminishes the idea of having to check on their every move. Sometimes doing so (especially before you have even commited to each other realistically) causes unecessary issues and anxiety. You are now harboring assumptions without validation. Yes you may have been pyscho and ran their credit and background as a pre-requisite BUT you may have it way off!! As much as you want to believe otherwise and others want to feed into you it is just way off. So now you are just stressing yourself while your SO sits in astonishment and amusement. You have these feelings without ever being able to express them and get a detailed and honest story behind it because you snooped.

Your infected now so all goes out the door when this person speaks. And then all the mishaps that I had in relationship one occurs. Never Again will I do that to myself and I recommend ANewMode viewers to also remain weary of this relationship. Control should not be the foundation of any relationship. It just does too much damage. You should be able to be you and not be judged until a fair trial is made. Both parties should be able to clearly clarify and express their emotion. When it is one-sided it is never whole.

A healthy relationship is one that the other person isn’t always trying to win at or control. It is about enjoying the time spent together and not worrying about the mistakes they have made in the past. If they are the ‘quality’ type they would have most likely have learned from them as well. If they are now with you and the foundation is there all that should not be your relationship issue. If it is then I advise saving yourself the aggrevation and moving on.

Communication is always key and when that is broken or hung up somewhere then peace and harmony will never be there.

Reply June 9, 2009, 11:07 pm

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