The most difficult relationship skill is recognizing when something isn’t working and summoning the strength to walk away. Love isn’t enough to ensure a relationship stands the test of time. Two people can love each other very much and still not be right for one another. We’d all like to believe that all you need is love, but the truth is, it’s a lot more complicated than that.
If a lasting, committed relationship is what you want, you need to be able to recognize the warning signs that indicate a relationship isn’t built to last.
Here are the top five signs that he isn’t the one:
1. You Don’t Trust Him
Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.
If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout, that’s just exhausting.
Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated, maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.
If he cheated or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself in deciding if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a situation where you will always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.
If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut. Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of cheating/lying ex boyfriends past.
2. No Depth of Connection
Sexual chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle and yet for a lot of couples, it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so, so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly showed he wasn’t the one.
For a relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know your partner intimately and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need to know who he is, what he wants out of life, what his hopes, dreams, and fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.
Each person is comprised of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the core. Your life partner should be in the last group.
Knowing the basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things about your guy as most of the other people in his life then you don’t have much depth of connection.
This issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like you guys are connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in your or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.
Attraction and sexual chemistry are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all you have it’s fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about finding the one.
3. He Brings Out Your Worst
As I said earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best. The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to relationships that bring out their worst.
Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy, that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.
Throughout the course of our one year relationship, I was unrecognizable from my previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked, anxious, and perpetually on edge. I couldn’t let go though because of my strong feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip and it was only when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic the situation truly was.
It wasn’t that he was a bad guy, he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner.
The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, it shouldn’t drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work. However, no amount of work can salvage a toxic relationship.
4. No Common Values
In order to successfully share your life with someone, your fundamental values must be in alignment. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead.
Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.
If his values oppose your own, then this relationship is either going to be fraught with turmoil or you’ll have to make some serious compromises.
5. Lack of Respect
Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.
Respect is huge for guys. In fact, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their relationship (for women it’s love). A man needs to feel like the man, he needs to feel respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will resent you and will not want to be with you long term.
At the same time, you need to be with a partner who will respect you. This means he respects you as a person, respects your beliefs, respects you aspiration, and especially, your boundaries.
Eye rolling has actually been shown to be a big predictor of divorce and it’s no surprise…it’s a clear sign that a partner doesn’t respect his spouse!