What does it take to get a man to truly commit and want only you? It’s a question I’ve been asked more times than I could ever quantify.
What men desire most is a woman who inspires them to be their best self. Being that woman is a much different mindset than what most women typically do these days.
So what’s the major error that trips women up? It’s their focus. Instead of focusing on the feelings and experience they create for the man, the woman fixates on her own wants, her own worries, her own fears. And amidst this completely self-absorbed mindset consumed by what she wants, it’s no wonder that she’s unable to hook a man’s interest in a significant way, one that goes beyond just hooking up.
Sure, that woman might cook him dinners, perform in bed, and tell him how much she likes him, but none of that stuff penetrates a man’s psychology on a deep and meaningful level. Forget about just getting commitment. When you really understand and master the art of tapping into the deep parts of a man’s psyche, he will want to move mountains to possess you.
Men don’t start out there when they first meet a woman, though. She needs to reach him at that level by recognizing his ambitions, his fears, his motivations, his “mission” in life and where he ultimately wants to “win.”
Here are four ways to reach a man deeply and make him want to commit and devote himself fully to you.
1. Understand: Choice is Everything
I have a confession to make, when I was revising this article to get it ready for publishing, it was three ways to make him commit… not four.
The original article came off cold, harsh, and even depressing because I had left out the most important element of all. So in this revised version, I made sure to convey the most important piece of the puzzle right at the beginning.
Who you choose is by far the most important factor in all relationships. So one of the most important ways to make a guy commit is to get really good at understanding the reality of relationships, love, and your specific guy.
In my personal life, I meet all sorts of people. Some people are easy and fun to be around… I can spend hours with them, talking about things, laughing about things, and just genuinely enjoying their company. Being around them doesn’t require effort and I don’t want anything from them. I would have just as much fun driving in the car with them and chatting as I would doing something “exciting.”
On the other hand, there are people who I meet that immediately make me feel uncomfortable and defensive. I feel like I have to constantly be on my toes, choose my words carefully, and being around them is far from pleasurable.
Between those two extremes, there are all sorts of people who fall somewhere in the middle.
As a writer who talks about dating and relationships, what has always amazed me when it comes to relationships is how people completely disregard compatibility. They describe what it’s like to be with their guy and it almost sounds like they’re talking about their arch-enemy… there is no comfort, no trust, no compatibility.
Sometimes the relationship started out well and then over time disintegrated into something that resembles resentment and abuse rather than love or respect. Sometimes the relationship was never good to begin with, but the woman wants me to show her “relationship magic” to “make it work.” This is what I equate to trying to shove a square peg into a round hole.
Personally, I needed to date around and experience several relationships before I had a good understanding of what I really wanted, valued, and what resonated with me in a relationship. In my late teens and early twenties, for example, I knew that I wanted a girl that had a hot, fit body and a beautiful face.
Now, in my thirties, I realize how much I value having a woman who really “gets” me… a woman that I can talk to for hours every day and never feel bored… a woman who I can laugh with for hours and hours on end… a woman that I know how to be there for and who knows how to be there for me.
It took me a while to figure that out. When I realized it, I mentally revisited my past relationships and realized something very important that I want to pass along to you…
When I think of relationships that didn’t work out for me in the past (ones where I wanted things to work out and I got dumped), I realize that the woman I was with at the time was never going to be that woman with me. Even if she wanted it to work.
I can clearly see now, years later after all the emotion and attachment is completely gone, we never would have reached that level of intimacy that is ultimately valuable to me in a relationship.
I couldn’t see past my attachment to those relationships, though, or past my blind desire to make things work because I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want to be rejected, and I didn’t want to lose someone.
All those emotions have nothing to do with love or compatibility. They’re just fear, ego, and a false sense of identifying with relationship success.
Real relationship success is not about making a relationship with someone work when, at your core, you and he are ultimately incompatible. It can be hard to see if you’re blinded by fears of loss, self-doubt and relationship fantasies that you want to come true…
The thing to realize is that people with great relationships don’t have the great relationships because they know great relationship secrets or psychological loopholes of the male mind. Fundamentally, people in the best relationships all have one thing in common: they don’t have relationships with people who are not a good match for them. They don’t let them into their life.
And what’s the easiest way to know if they’re a good match or not? Plain and simple – how do you feel about yourself when you’re with that person? Do you feel better about yourself? About life? About the things that upset you?
Or… do you feel insecure? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Do you feel like you’re suffocating… holding your breath in anticipation of a relationship that you desperately want to come into existence but always seems just out of reach? Helpless, powerless, and afraid they’ll do something to hurt you?
How you feel with the person you’re with is the best indication of whether you’re with someone who’s compatible or not. How much you want it to work is the worst indicator of a good relationship (in fact, usually the people who tell me how desperately they want something to work are highlighting how incompatible they really are from their partner).