3 Reasons You’re Still Single post image

3 Reasons You’re Still Single


Every single girl will at some point find herself asking this question: is there no one out there for me or am I the problem?

Being single is not a curse (in fact, there are some very lovely perks to living the single life), but it isn’t exactly something people aspire to. There are times when we need to be single–and it’s very admirable when you can acknowledge that and ignore the pressure to settle down–and then there are times when you realize that you are ready to meet that special someone and settle down…you just don’t know how to make it happen. Maybe the guys you date are duds. Maybe guys pull the disappearing act on you over and over. Maybe your relationships always implode.

To solve a problem, you need to correctly identify it. Here are the top three (most likely) reasons you are still single:

Reason #1: You’re Too Needy.
There’s no faster way to repel a man than to need him. Wanting a man is not the same as needing one.

Neediness is a state of mind where you feel incomplete, or have an emotional void, and try to fill this empty space with a relationship or male validation. A lot of women mistake the male aversion to neediness as men being commitment-phobes. This isn’t true. A man will happily enter into a relationship with a woman who sees and appreciates him for exactly who he is.  Conversely, a man will run far away from a woman who sees him as an opportunity to feel good about herself or fill some void.

A guy wants to feel chosen by a woman he had to earn. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s just filling a slot that could have easily gone to any other male with a pulse.

Solution: Neediness usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or sense of worth. You feel like something is missing within yourself or in your life and erroneously believe a relationship will be the cure. If you were unhappy before the relationship, you’ll be unhappy in it. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself about being single, work on your relationship with yourself. Work on feeling your best and looking your best. When you are the best you that you can be, you won’t be able to keep the men away!

Reason #2: You’re Too Picky
Most women are usually at one extreme or the other: desperate and willing to put up with anything, or too picky and unwilling to “settle” for anything less than her dream man.

In this day and age, we’re saturated with unrealistic love sagas and have developed an idea of what love should be and not of what love is. We’re told love conquers all but in truth, love alone does not make for a good, and healthy relationship (I mean, just about every divorced couple loved each other at some point). We want to be swept off our feet and taken over by this all-consuming feeling of euphoria and harmony. If we’re not feeling the intensity on the first date, we’ll write the guy off and say there was no “spark.”

Another problem is that most women have adopted this idea that it’s “better to be alone than settle.” As a result, they close themselves off to guys with amazing potential just because of some superficial flaw that rules him out as her dream guy. The longer you’re single, the worse this can get because you might start telling yourself, “Well I’ve waited this long to find the one, I am not compromising on anything and should get exactly what I want!”

Personally, I used to be completely hung up on height. If a guy was under 5’10, I didn’t wanna hear a thing about him. I was positive that I could never ever ever ever be attracted to a short guy. Ever!

Then, I met a guy who was–gasp–an inch shorter than me and was shocked to find myself extremely attracted to him. We started dating and after a while I didn’t even notice his height anymore! The relationship didn’t work out, but the reasons had nothing to do with his height. Sometimes what we consider to be our biggest “deal breakers” are actually no big deal.

It’s okay to have standards and to have an idea of the kind of guy you want to be with,  but it’s also important to be a little flexible and realize that you might not get every single thing you want and that doesn’t mean you’re settling.

Maybe you don’t like his job, maybe you don’t like the way he dresses, maybe you think his hobbies are lame. This all might be true, but it’s important to realize that these things don’t tell you who he is, and who he is might be a really wonderful, kind, caring person.

Solution: Make a list of non-negotiable qualities a husband should have. This does not include things like how far back his hairline is or how much money he makes. Money won’t make for a happy marriage, neither will a full head of hair, a chiseled jaw, or six pack abs. Obviously you want to be attracted to your husband, but try not to get so caught up on the physical details.

Next, when you go out with a guy and don’t feel that all-consuming spark, don’t write him off. Unless there was something that absolutely repulsed you about him, give him another shot. A lot of women are way too quick to dismiss a guy before really giving him a fair shot. I know more stories than I can even count of women who went on a few meh dates with the man they eventually married. Who knows where they would have ended up had they not given the guys another shot.

MORE: The Most Important Relationship Advice You Will Ever Receive

Reason 3: You Have  Faulty Filter System
A bad filter system sets you up for failure before your relationship has a chance to get off the ground, if you even get that far.

Everyone has a certain ingrained filter system. This system is partially due to genetic wiring, but it is largely shaped by our experiences. This filter system is often based on our interests, desires, and our fears. For instance, if you are afraid of rejection, all you’ll pick up on is being rejected. A hundred people can tell you how great and wonderful you are, but it won’t sink in. All that will stand out to you is the one person who didn’t seem to be interested in you.

Your reality is created in large part by your filter system. If you believe that the guys you want will never want you, you will find a justification for this fear even if it’s far from the case. Once you come to expect the behavior, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Whether consciously or not, you will start to behave in a way that turns men off (this can be very subtle and might not come across in anything you say or do), thus feeding into your original fear. If you are afraid your boyfriend will never commit in the way you want him to, you will ignore all signs of his commitment and will only focus on the signs that he doesn’t want to commit. Your fear will manifest as you clinging more tightly to the relationship or being on guard for its inevitable end, which will, in turn, cause the relationship to start collapsing. (I’m not talking about situations where a guy clearly won’t commit, like a guy not calling you his girlfriend after an extended period of time. I’m talking about more subtle signs).

MORE: Ask a Guy- How Do I Get Him to Commit?

We have an innate need to justify our thought patterns, even if these patterns don’t serve us in a positive way.

Want proof? Close your eyes and pick a color. Visualize the color in your mind, picture items that are that color, see yourself dressed in that color, think about the emotions that color evokes. Spend about 30 seconds to a minute doing this and then open your eyes, what’s the first thing you saw? I guarantee it will be that color unless you did this in an all white room. If we dwell on something, even for under a minute, our mind becomes programmed to pick it up.

We’re all wired to look at the world in subjective ways. Reality is not objective; it is shaped by both what happens to us and how we interpret the things that happen to us.

Solution: In order to have more success in love and relationships, you need to adjust your filter system so that you see the good all around you. You need to be able to appreciate and acknowledge the goodness that is in you and in your relationship. If you let your fears run the show, you will set yourself up for sabotage.

First, you need to weed out faulty thoughts patterns. Anytime a negative thought pops into your mind (I’ll never find a boyfriend..I’m gonna end up alone…Men always leave me), pluck it out and tell yourself the opposite. I am a big fan of keeping a gratitude journal. Every day jot down 1-2 things you’re grateful for (and pick different things every day). This will re-train your brain to focus on the good.

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Do any of these ring true for you? Tell us in comments!

– SABRINA ALEXIS

 

 

 

18 comments… add one

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T

Deep I have done this too.But I have took a lot time to heal and grow. So now I’m doing fine

Reply October 26, 2016, 9:41 pm

Stephanie

Hey well I had this bf and he was acting and being treated like a 16 year old kid. He is 26 years old. We dated for a year and 2 months. I did everything for him I gave him money. I did so much for him. His family was treating him like that controlling him. He couldnt see me at all. He was always complaing about the drive it was an hour and 15 mins. I tried to make it work and I did everything I could to make him happy. That night When he said he wants time to himself and complaining about the drive again and about how his family was going to kick him out. I had it I dumped him. I still love him and care for him even though I dumped him. Its been almost 2 months and I still do.. I been trying to get over him but its so hard. All I wanted was to see my bf. He wouldnt give me the time to see me. I wanted his time thats all I wanted and he wouldnt give it to me…

Reply March 11, 2016, 1:43 am

Milka

Hi, sabrina…I’ve been talking to this guy on the phone for 4 month…he told me that he likes me,that I’m amazing..etc…but,couple of times when he has invite me out…he had left me stranded.and call me couple of days later..to apologize..he won’t tell me where he lives,he pretends to be very interested in me..bUT the only thing he does is talk to me on the phone…ever since I started talking to him..haven’t go out with him not once..and never mentioned to me..that he will like to see me..can u please help me..Sabrina..I need your advice..what should I do in this case??? He won’t stop calling me…help me out..don’t know wat to do…

Reply February 16, 2016, 9:22 pm

TheTruth

It really sucks to be, especially for us men.

Reply December 17, 2015, 4:44 pm

RealHonestAnswer

Well the real reason why a good man like me is still single is that with much more women today that are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy, really speaks for itself which i really Can’t blame myself at all.

Reply October 18, 2015, 8:03 pm

Nikki

I agree with #1 and #3 but I disagree with #2. A lot of men and women have issues and drama and if you don’t, you have a right to be picky and get exactly what you are looking for. Don’t ever settle for anything less that makes you happy.

Reply September 13, 2015, 8:17 am

Mary

I meant a nice man online we had a very nice time together on our first date we text almost every day but lately he disappear . For Valentine’s he told me that he was mine. But he has vanished. .

Reply February 18, 2015, 3:08 am

Precious

Oh, these are ALL so True! Man, now I’m starting to realize what I’ve been doing wrong or holding onto myself that is stopping me from being the woman I am! I continually hear amazing comments about myself from others, accept them and then forget about them. But, once I face a situation where those negative comments come in my head, I never seem to remember those once Positive comments I should be telling myself! I’ll put those positive remarks inside and to me From NOW On!

Reply September 23, 2014, 6:27 pm

H

Ugh, god these are so true.
Unfortunately even though I’m a very outgoing person when I REALLY like a guy I get so scared of losing him and act all shy and quiet. Then inevitably, he thinks ‘hold on, where’s the girl I liked gone?’ and they lose interest. Bang, I’m single again. The saying ‘always be yourself’ is probably the best advice you’ll ever receive.
I do also have impossibly high standards, which I am aware of and almost disgusted with my own shallowness. A strong physical connection is important to me which is why I tend to focus on physical attributes a lot, it’s something I definitely need to work on.

Reply October 15, 2013, 7:18 pm

Tara

Reason number 2 is definitely the reason I’ve been single for so long. I’ve always been really picky and so focused on physical apperance but could never admit that to myself. Everytime I started to date a guy, I would find flaws and those were the only things I would see. Eventually I would convince myself that I could get a better guy. I finally stopped doing that and the guy I’m with now is wonderful! Honestly I didn’t feel the spark on the first date but I gave him another chance and realized I liked him alot as I got to know him more! Oh and I always follow your advice on not making the man in my life my top priority. Not only does it give me a chance to
focus on my life still but it also makes him like me more! Thank you!!

Reply October 1, 2013, 1:49 am

Jacque

I met a man, I fell in love, he said he loved me too, then 1 year later, he said he loved a wealthy woman too and wished he could marry us both because we were each completely different people. Then he said he loved me and wanted to take me on a trip and wanted me to put together a bucket list of things for us to do together then a month later he told me to move on that he was really serious about the “other girlfriend”. He kept telling me I was one of his best friends but he never told me that was all he wanted to be with me. I told him I could not be his friend and told him he made his choice and I walked out of his life. It has taken me a year to get over this because he refused to give me a definitive ending and closure. I found out he is engaged… probably married by now. Not getting closure and being led on by a man is the worst, most hurtful and painful thing a man can do to a woman. He was a chicken and had no balls. Good luck future wife!!!!!

Reply September 25, 2013, 9:22 pm

Meghan

I loved this article. Reason number 3 is me all the way. I was with this guy for about 6 months and he finally said he thinks we should just be friends. Instead of opening my eyes to this amazing other guy in my life I spent all of my time obsessing over why he rejected me. I was so blind to the good man that was right there because I was too narrow minded to see the good things that were right there. I was focusing solely on the rejection I had just experienced and how to win that guy back. This filtered reality I was living kept me from moving on with my life.

Thank you for this eye openig article!!

Reply September 25, 2013, 8:37 pm

fiona

I really like this guy. And i’m not sure hes feelings towards me because i feel like i’m in the middle of nowhere with him. And im almost 22 and i’m still single so I want be in a healthy relationship.
Thanks I really need help!

Reply September 25, 2013, 7:19 pm

Yushing Foo

Hi, I absolutely agree with Eric.. being single is a choice. I am currently single, and I choose to be single. Do I want a mate, absolutely, and I also want a mate that I will enjoy and want to be with. We all have choices.. It’s like shopping, we choose what we want as long as we are realistic and remember, as much as we choose someone, someone else also gets to choose you.

Reply September 25, 2013, 10:29 am

leslie

whether you decide to get married, or not to marry – no matter what the outcome is – you will regret it in the end anyway ha…..

Reply September 25, 2013, 12:28 am

Eric Charles

When a woman asks me why she’s single, I always say, “You *choose* to be single… you know there are guys who would be her boyfriend. She wouldn’t choose them though and I don’t blame her for not choosing something she didn’t want.”

Being single isn’t something that happens to people. It’s simply a choice – you choose the life you lead, you choose what you do and you choose who you spend time around. The most obvious choice is who you choose as a potential relationship partner, of course… but it’s always a choice. Always.

Reply September 24, 2013, 4:14 pm

D

I have been on several dating sites had a couple girst dates and been stiod up 3 times. Recently, I agreed to a date with a man that was coming in from Texas which is a great deal away from where I live. After a lot of communication it just stopped and then I didn’t have a date anymore why is this? I didn’t choose to not have a date.

Reply April 5, 2016, 11:30 am

Diane shirley

At 56, I’ve been married, had a child, have a grandchild and the men my age are looking for a woman to take care of them and their increasing health problems. It’s so much more pleasant to just enjoy family and friends. Men are just too much trouble. Been there, done that.

Reply September 24, 2013, 4:12 pm

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